10 Month Old Pinching

Dear mother of twin toddlers,

Babies and toddlers respond to physical guidance much better than to words. They must feel it with their bodies. At this point, your son is playing an innocent game with you. The “no” and “it hurts” provide a fun power-game for him. Please read the section on power-games in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Your baby is looking for a game that will give him a sense of power; a game that produces a result.

Your responses give him exactly what he needs (and is good for him) but in a way that is painful to you, so it is not a good way. Your “no” works when it protects him from pain. Pinching others, however, does not hurt him. So he relates to your words as a play and loves the impact of his action. In other words, when a child first tries something that hurts another, (and not himself), the “no” makes no sense to him because nothing really happens to him. He has no understanding that another is experiencing pain.

Therefore, you must response to his first experiments physically, and by physically preventing his second attempt very clearly yet kindly. Preventing the second strike usually means no third. Since your child has already established that pinching works just fine, I suggest that you do many power-games with him, games that give him a similar sense of success.

For example, you can make a big sound every time he touches his own nose. This can be a lot of fun and will satisfy the need for power hurting no one. When he pinches next time, stop him but avoid repeating the old instructions. That ‘game’ is over. Just separate his little fingers, turn him around so he cannot reach to do more, and offer him something he can pinch (pillow, doll, etc.)

Pinching, biting, and hitting are all the same issue and can have varied reasons and cures. Please read my full article on biting in the Australian magazine, Natural Parenting.  Enjoy your twin boys.

Naomi Aldort
www.AuthenticParent.com