17 Modern Myths That Are Making Motherhood Miserable

17 Modern Myths That Are Making Motherhood Miserable

Responsible for the discontent, disillusionment and disconnect plaguing moms of every demographic, these 17 myths can make motherhood miserable.

I was seventeen when my eldest daughter was born. This fact, along with the fact that I am now thirty-eight, combined with the fact that my youngest daughter is now eight, all add up to one fairly unique reality:

I’ve raised young children both with and without the internet.

Which means that my mothering experience has straddled the single greatest expansion in human awareness the world has ever seen.

How crazy is that?

As you might expect, early childhood parenting of my firstborn felt quite different than the experience of raising her sisters. Though my age stands out as the most obvious factor, looking back, it doesn’t feel near as big a determinant as the difference in my access to resources and information.

Back then, I had approximately four places to turn with my parenting questions:

  1. the library
  2. the pediatrician
  3. the copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting I was given by my pediatrician
  4. my parents

Thing is, the pediatrician knew less about mothering than my own (awesome) mom, my dad, as a family counselor, was a wealth of information, and the library was hard to manage with a wiggling baby, so when it came right down to it, What to Expect When You’re Expecting and my folks were pretty much it.

That’s right. I raised my firstborn with essentially two sources of information.

Unbelievable as it may seem to today’s search-happy, post-internet parents, this reality felt surprisingly adequate. Despite my circumstances, I felt confident, well-supported, capable and empowered as a mother right from the start, and it sure wasn’t because I knew what to expect.

My confidence boiled down to this:

  • Loving parents who believed in me.
  • A mother who encouraged me to trust my intuition.
  • The fact that I had virtually no one with whom to compare my mothering experience.

As a single, seventeen-year-old junior in high school, I didn’t question whether or not I was a good mom. I just knew I was.

Fast forward twenty short years (inserting the internet half way through), and few mothers I meet would say the same. Though most are striving, hardly any of us are actually arriving at a level of self-assuredness and satisfaction proportionate to our dedication and investment. In fact, the amount of self-doubt I’ve experienced in my own post-internet parenting has been exponentially more than my pre-internet days, even though I know about a kajillion more things than I did then.

How can this be? How can such a wealth of information be both increasing our understanding AND decreasing our sense of self-worth?

It’s quite simple, really. Our brains aren’t wired for this much intake. We’re suffering from not from actual inadequacy, but from a false sense of ourselves that has reached epidemic proportions.

I call this collective confusion Mythological Motherhood.

Mythological Motherhood is the modern phenomenon responsible for the discontent, disillusionment and disconnect plaguing parents of every demographic. It speaks to the enormous gap between what we believe to be possible (based on stories we’re both being told and sold) and the way our current realities look and feel. The greater this gap, the more of these myths a person has likely subscribed to.

The consequence of this mass mythology (presented to us as TRUTH) is an entire generation of mothers who — though more attentive, compassionate, involved, patient, knowledgeable and educated than any other group of mothers since the beginning of time — suffers from so much self-doubt, inadequacy and overwhelm that we barely even benefit from our position of relative privilege.

It’s tragic, but it’s also a trend we’re capable of reversing.

Doing so starts with recognizing the myths being perpetuated, examining their detriment to our lives and digging deeper for our own personal truths beneath them.

Myths can be retold in any number of ways. I offer the following truer stories of my own as but one example of how it’s done.

17 Modern Myths That Are Making Motherhood Miserable

  1. Empowerment comes through lucrative careers and upward mobility. A truer story: We become empowered when we take full responsibility for our lives, recognize and work through our fears, learn to love ourselves not in spite of but because of our uniqueness and live the lives we know we’re here for. Empowerment and motherhood are only mutually exclusive when we allow others to define success and power for us.
  2. Life as presented in stores and advertising reflects the way life actually is. A truer story: The “reality” presented to us as consumers — that life can or should be perpetually pleasant, tidy, organized, beautiful and blemish-free — is a myth of the most seductive sorts. Because we want our lives to feel less stressful and more abundant, it’s easy to get caught up in retail fairytales, allowing them to increase the size of our gap. We’d be wise, however, to consider the greater implications of allowing any profit-seeker to shape our sense of prioritization, beauty or truth. I find it helpful to keep the word fairytale in mind anytime I enter a shopping center or flip through a magazine.
  3. A desire to stay home with your kids signifies a lack of intelligence, motivation, or competency. A truer story: Freedom of choice is still such a new reality for women in our culture that the choice to stay home has been unjustly associated with the very oppression our foremothers fought so hard to escape. It’s essential — for women, children, the integrity of families and the healing of humanity — that we don’t settle for the opposite extreme (stigmatizing stay-home parents) but encourage and support mothers’ intuition, the flourishing of which is a true indicator of freedom.
  4. A desire to work outside the home signifies a lesser degree of love for or attachment to your kids. A truer story: Some women’s intuition leads them to the realization that they need to continue working in order to best care for their children. Stigmatizing mothers who work away from home is just as destructive and divisive as its opposite. Instead, we might choose to focus our attention (as a society, and as individuals) on supporting the parent/child connection, whatever that means for each family. Social shifts, such as benefits for part-time employees, (way) longer maternity leave and community building initiatives are a much more empowering place to focus our energy than the “mommy wars” currently weakening our ability to determine and create what we really want.
  5. We can avoid “screwing them up” by doing more of the right things. A truer story: Perfect parenting is an illusion. No matter how hard you try, you are going to impact your children in ways you don’t necessarily want or intend to. Though this has never been any different, mythological motherhood has made perfection or near perfection seem possible. Every human on the planet is here to face, overcome and grow beyond their challenges. It’s not your job to be perfect, nor will striving for this goal necessarily benefit your children. It IS your job to be YOU in the most fully-expressed and supported sense possible. This version of you is what your children need from you most.
  6. Balance is what we’re all seeking. A truer story: Balance is overrated and easy to market. Attempting to hold a balance in your life (for more than a few minutes) is like holding a handstand for any real length of time: it’s not only exhausting, but it requires so much focus that you end up missing out on the richness all around you. I much prefer the concept of centeredness. Once we find our center (which can require some digging through layers of cultural confusion), there’s always the option to return to this powerful place within, no matter the perceived imbalance all around us.
  7. We’re shorting them every time we invest in our own needs, desires and interests. A truer story: It is our #1 responsibility to learn and take care of ourselves. Doing so enables us to mother from a more whole, nurtured and authentic place. Ignoring our own needs leads to resentment and compromises connection with everyone in our lives.
  8. Guilt is the price we must pay for the love we experience. A truer story: Guilt is one of the many prices we pay for unchecked thoughts. The deeper our self-awareness, self-love, and self-respect, the less power such draining emotions have over our lives.
  9. We’ll feel joyful about our mothering experience once everything’s lined up and organized. A truer story: We’ll experience more joy in our mothering experience when we let go of the perception that organizing our external environment is the most promising path inner peace. Inner peace requires a deep look into both the light and the shadow aspects of our souls. Healing from a lifetime of pain, limiting beliefs and security-seeking is rarely the easier path, but always the truer path to a joyful existence.
  10. Our children’s questionable choices reflect bad parenting on our part. A truer story: Our children are not really “our children” at all, but people we’re meant to be as affected by as they are affected by us. Their tendencies, personalities, habits, and choices, while impacted by our own, compromise their journey toward self-actualization. Supporting their unfolding means seeing them as separate than us, however connected, and not taking their choices personally. When we recognize a negative impact we’ve had, we always have the choice to stay humble, practice self-love and forgiveness, and stay vulnerable to the fact of our imperfect, evolving nature.
  11. There is a right way to parent. A truer story: Among the most destructive of the modern myths, “right way” parenting not only divides us, but deemphasizes and dulls our intuition. The right way for YOU is as unique as the one-of-a-kind connection you share with your child. Though parenting research has come a long way toward helping us understand the needs of children, the thriving of mothers requires a greater emphasis on and respect for our biological instincts and innate wisdom.
  12. We must equip our children with as many resources as possible. A truer story: While providing resources is part of our job, equally important is equipping them with the confidence and understanding that they can draw on their own inner resources. Because we as mothers have become so dependent on external validation (hello internet) for our sense of security, connectedness, and confidence, it’s easy to impart the message to our children that all the resources they need exist outside of them. Until we learn to hear and honor the wisdom within, we’re vulnerable to a million different messages that simply aren’t meant for us, and so are they.
  13. More is better. A truer story: More, in many cases, is making us miserable. Between activities, possessions and commitments, we’re being suffocated by the very things we hope will enrich us. At the heart of this phenomenon is a false sense of abundance. We’re biologically wired to want abundance in our lives, but until we define abundance for ourselves, we will continue to accumulate indiscriminately. Ask yourself what you really want more of and measure abundance accordingly. More time to dream, more connection with those you love and more awareness of the present moment often require less of what we’ve been culturally conditioned to accumulate.
  14. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. A truer story: Though more virtually connected than ever, mothers have never been so isolated in the rearing of children. We aren’t meant to raise children alone. The notion of “independence” that so many mothers feel they must maintain is yet another product of a society still working out what freedom actually means. Because oppression is so often associated with dependency, we’ve forgotten our basic human need for interdependency and inadvertently glamorized isolation.
  15. You should be enjoying every moment. A truer story: People who say this to you likely either suffer from a great deal of guilt or selective memories regarding their own parenting experiences. Remember in those moments (when you want to strangle some sappy stranger) that they aren’t meaning to guilt you for not feeling joyful every moment, but attempting to connect with you about the inherent sacredness of the mothering experience. What they’re forgetting is that not all sacred moments are pleasant, and that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
  16. Experts trump intuition. A truer story: Experts worth listening to honor a mother’s intuition. Though it doesn’t always result in agreement, the finest educators, helping professionals and seasoned parents recognize that you are the #1 expert on your child, and treat you as such.
  17. Your inadequacies are the reason for the frustrations you feel. A truer story: The confusion inherent to our culture, your level of self-love and awareness, the social structures keeping you connected yet separate, and the degree to which you buy into these (and other) modern myths are the real reasons for the frustrations you feel. Your response to the gap between the life you have and the life you want dictates the quality of your experience.

Though untangling ourselves from these myths takes time (and can be a painful process), the benefits go well beyond increased confidence. Future generations build their stories upon our own, and unchecked myths make for lousy foundations. 

This piece was originally published at Revolution From Home.

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Ready to dig deeper into your own story? Tired of the influence these and other modern myths have on your life? My passion is supporting and empowering mothers toward the creation of lives they love and stories they feel proud to tell. I work on a sliding scale, and would be honored to connect with you!


21 thoughts on “17 Modern Myths That Are Making Motherhood Miserable”

  1. This is, without a doubt, the *best* piece on parenting that I’ve read in a very long time. There is so much that I could say, but this piece really speaks for itself. Thank you profoundly for this.

    1. A friend referred me to this article because she thought I’d find it “interesting.” I found it FASCINATING and began crying the moment I started reading it. I am in the middle of reading All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior, which has very similar content to this article. As a SAM, I am constantly comparing myself to other moms. What activities are their kids in? Why aren’t mine in as many? Will mine not be as good at sports or smart enough if I don’t get them in the “right” things? It’s awful. Awful!

      I have had many visions of packing up my things (with my family of course) and heading to a place that’s not nearly as connected as here in the States. On more than one occasion, I’ve felt the same as described in this article – “Our brains aren’t wired for this much intake.” I’m a Generation Xer who has simply not completely jumped on board with technology. And unfortunately I’m in the minority.

      Thank you Beth for your honesty and vulnerability. Many of us needed to hear your words!

  2. This is so excellent. Thank you for your thoughts. I am grateful every single day for my home daycare provider. She works hard taking care of 4 toddlers including her own daughter so that 3 other mothers can work. Working moms cannot exist without stay-at-home parents and I think about that every single day. Young children need someone to care for them in a nurturing environment. Staying home is a choice that at least some mothers must make otherwise the whole thing falls apart. You can never have 100% out-of-home employment. I think that’s another modern myth that gets lost in the shuffle – at some level we must all depend on each other, working and stay-at-home parents. Conflict is illusory.

  3. As a father of five, and a grandfather, I assert that being a mother is the most important job in the world and that Nature/God has given a woman the instinctual and intellectual tools to do what is in the best interests of the child. As with any group of people, there will be those who are ‘outliers,’ but they will be few. You are not one of them if you are reading this.

  4. Absolutely bloody brilliant: as a writer and mother of four (grandmother of one), this is the best piece ever written on motherhood. A million times thank you!

  5. I am 38. I have an 18 1/2 and a 5 1/2. I, too, have parented the first without the Internet and pure intuition and instinct. The second, too, however. I rarely check parenting stuff out online.

  6. I might be playing a little devils advocate here, but I think the problem is not “the internet,” but the way people overuse and abuse it. I have joined a support group on line for mothers that has made me more confident in myself, more forgiving of my mistakes, happier with my children and a bit less angry with my husband. The point is so true that mothers now are more isolated and we have turned away from community. You cannot RePlACe community and socialization with internet. And for sure plenty of what the internet has to say about parenting is more likely to cause self doubt and criticism and better left alone. Most of what this article has to stay is a fabulous reminder of good perspective in parenting and I very much appreciate that. The irony is that its being written/read/shared on the internet- lol!

  7. This was so well done! Excellent. My husband and I have five children ages 25, 20, 13, 8 and we are adopting a two year old this spring. We’ve been married 27 years. Ive been doing this whole mothering thing for a long time —Ive also noticed a difference between mothering pre-internet and post. Its so strange that young moms seem to buy into the fairy tale of motherhood. They don’t understand its about getting dirty. Im going to copy this to send to my adult daughters for when they decide to become mothers.

    The only slight disagreement i have is that parents really are responsible for their children’s poor behavior and choices. Saying otherwise is a cop out. Im very involved with our community and the one thing I have noticed throughout 25 years of parenting watching all of my children’s classmates grow up is that children from unstable angry homes, too permissive of parenting, and/or drug/alcohol/internet addiction 90% of the time result in troubled teens. Children really do “turn out” like their parents in the majority of cases. If you have a stable home, appreciate education, stay away from drugs and alcohol and angry relationships you will have a child that does the same.

    1. Please be careful in using such sweeping statements about good parents and good kids being a direct cause and effect. There are kids with undiagnosed, or difficult to diagnose conditions that can cause what appear to be behavioral issues. For the sake of those parents who are trying to do the best they can, please support them by not judging or blaming. You don’t really know their struggles, but please don’t make it worse for them.

  8. great article

    as a single father for many years, i got to the end and wondered — are mothers the only parents? loved all of it, but…

    i’m here too. i parent. i’ve been treated as illegitimate and less than continuously, but i love, i nurture, i count.

    …and i’ve felt every point you made.

    parenting sites that i have seen seem to be mainly by women for women. if you’d like men to parent, maybe you could act like it? in any case, i wanted to, had to, love to.

    he’s 5 now.

    1. Thank you for this! My husband and some if my closest ‘father’ friends have made similar comments. They want to be involved, and are, but are typically excluded from the conversations (at pre-natal appointments, on the playground, etc). It’s time we start walking the walk and allowing men to be the equal parents we say we want!

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