Post-divorce, my approach to a new relationship is far different than it was 20 years ago.


Post-divorce and with two young children, my approach to a new relationship is far different than it was 20 years ago, and communication has become a priority.

Many of the things that were the undoing of my marriage had laid down their roots early on. In fact, I would even say that they started wrapping their tendrils through the relationship right at the very beginning. Despite being aware of them, I chose to ignore them.

Although it wasn't the only thing that brought the relationship down, I think often about our communication patterns and how we stunted our own growth by neglecting that one bud right from the start.

Related: 3 Things I Learned About Dating After Divorce

When I met my ex-partner, I was in my 20s, inexperienced in any sort of relationship beyond the headiness of infatuation and passion. Consequently, I had never experienced any significant relationship failure or the opportunity to learn from it. I did not know what was important for long-term relationship success and, since I'm doing the honesty thing, it didn't even occur to me that either of us had to make any kind of present-day investment to ensure that things would move forward and grow in a healthy way.

I've since learned that there is important work to be done at the beginning of any relationship if it is to last, especially when it comes to honest and real communication. Regardless of whether you believe that good communication is the panacea for all relationship woes (I will boldly assert that it is not), most of us can at least agree that it plays a critical, foundational role.

I brought more than my fair share of atrocious communication habits into my relationship, namely the 'Avoid and Bury Method' (I just made that term up - it's not a real thing). Growing up in a household that was not only scarce on real, emotional conversations and rife with angry yelling, I was greatly averse to talking about difficult things. Talking about uncomfortable feelings or subjects was associated with conflict and rage and never with progress and solutions.

Related: 5 Positive Co-Parenting Tips After Divorce

As a result, if I was upset about anything in my relationship I thought it was simply easier to deal with it on my own and I either buried or avoided my feelings. I didn't know there was such a thing as constructive conflict, or the potential for growth in discomfort. So, I didn't speak up when I felt anything 'bad' until, inevitably, all those buried feelings bubbled over the top in a big messy spill.

I am looking for different things in a partner now, and as a mother, I find that my standards are higher than before because I want to model a strong, healthy relationship for my children to see and learn from so that they, too, have high standards for themselves one day.

So, I approach a new relationship with that oldie but goodie: start as you intend to go on. Communication-wise, here's what I've learned about putting my best self forward:

1. Communicate with yourself first.

Sometimes that means walking away from a situation and spending an evening hashing things out on your own, or with a trusted friend to bounce your thoughts off of. You don't need to solve or even address things right away. The time you spend sorting out your thoughts and feelings is time much better spent than the time spent trying to fix what you say in the heat of an emotional initial reaction.

2. Acknowledge your history and baggage.

Ask yourself how your history and baggage might be informing your reaction to this present situation. What are you okay with? What aren't you okay with but would like to be eventually? Do certain things trigger feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, loneliness, or anger that might be coming from your previous relationship? That's ok - but recognize it for what it is instead of displacing it onto your current partner. And, if it does land on your partner accidentally sometimes, acknowledge it, own it, and work on moving forward.

3. Be so honest and vulnerable about yourself that it almost hurts.

This one was a bit surprising to me. I had always tried to hide my softness. I thought that laying out my tender pink underbelly would make me more vulnerable to pain but, ironically, I found that it gave me a completely unexpected kind of strength and power - not over others, but over myself.

By saying, 'Listen, here's what my wounds and tender spots are, I know they affect how I see things, and I am trusting you with my stuff,' it takes away the possibility of having those wounds discovered accidentally. It also invites your partner to be careful and thoughtful with you. They are now a part of keeping you safe, of being mindful of your tender spots. In turn, that will give you a sense of control over the very things that make you vulnerable.

At first, this feels awful and comes with a lot of awkward conversational starts and pauses but once you get the rhythm of it, you'll find that others are flattered that you're letting them in and will in turn be equally honest with you. Which is flattering, and then you trust them more. You see how this goes? It's a trust circle - hurray!

4. Examine your motives and your desired outcomes.

Before you say anything, good or bad, work on understanding what you want the result of your words to be. Why do you want to say something? Ask yourself what outcome you are hoping will come of it: are you hoping for a particular reaction or action? Are you hoping to cause a particular feeling in your partner? What is your goal?

I was horribly guilty of hoping for a particular reaction but not being honest about it. In my case, I was usually seeking comfort or affection. So, for example, I would say that I was 'fine' but would secretly be hoping for my partner to know that I wasn't fine, really, and try to make me feel better.

Well, that's just garbage and ridiculous. I now understand that if I want someone to trust me, then I actually need to be honest, duh. So, now I don't say I'm 'fine' when I'm not and then feel crummy when my partner doesn't read my mind. I say things because they are true.

5. Lean in to those yucky feelings.

If you've come through a divorce, you are carrying the tainted remnants of that relationship with you as you enter into a new one. Inevitably, you will be tripping over scar tissue and there will be stumbles. You'll fall into old emotional habits without even realizing it and project your feelings onto your partner. For me, this meant falling back into the 'avoid and bury' communication (or non-communication) mode.

This is where I've pushed myself the most, where I've felt the biggest growing pains. After a lifetime of brushing my feelings aside, especially the negative ones that were most likely to make others uncomfortable or cause conflict, I had to learn how to lean into them, to allow myself to feel them all the way and respect that they were real and valid and absolutely okay to feel.

I had to learn how to process them in a healthy way, how to break them down. And, I learned that it should be safe to share these feelings with someone who cares about me - as long as I did it in a kind and fair way.