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When a Relationship Ends: Resources for Healthy Divorce
By Joy Johnson
Issue 122 (January/February 2004)

"Divorce takes place between mothers and fathers. You are not to blame if your parents get divorced. Parents divorce when they don't love each other or can't get along together anymore, no matter how hard they try."

Those are the first lines of the first page of Dinosaurs Divorce, the best book written for small children whose parents are separating for good (see sidebar). But just a few years ago, that book would not have been written. I was born in 1938. In my 65 years I've seen a lot of changes, many of them good. One of the good ones is how we deal with divorce in our society today, and how we regard those moms and dads who separate.

My grandmother Nellie wore long skirts and aprons, and her hair in a tight bun at the back of her neck. One of the great surprises in my young life was waking up in one of her big feather beds and looking out the window. I was six years old, my grandmother probably 70. She was standing by the well, where she had just washed her hair. Her bun had come undone, and her hair actually touched her feet. Who would have guessed it? Her bun was so small, so tight. Today, we've let down the tight bun of divorce. We've let the sun shine on individuals who need to make a major change in their lives. We've let the wind blow us new information about how to have a healthy divorce.

It was Grandmother Nellie who, in the early 1940s, called her grandson, my cousin Truman, into her small country kitchen. She sat him down without so much as a cup of coffee and said, "Your mother says you're getting a divorce. You're not. No one in our family is divorced, and you're not going to start it!" Grandma was one tough cookie.

But my cousin did get a divorce. Later, he married a wonderful woman, also divorced, who had two little boys. The boys are now my age. Truman and Flo are in their 80s-married beautifully for more than 50 years.

That doesn't mean divorce is easy. It's a death of a relationship with no corpse to mourn. When someone dies, friends surround you. You are tended and befriended. You can cry as much as you want. People bring you food. Long afterward, you can visit the cemetery or talk to the urn on the mantle.

But when you divorce, you lose some friends, some ignore you, and others criticize you. If you cry as much as you want to, you're accused of self-pity or manipulation. There's no cemetery, no urn, and no one brings food. I always thought it would be a good idea to have a national program: "Bring a Casserole to a Divorce."

Just for You A study by E. Mavis Hetherington in Child Psychology Updated (McGraw Hill, 2002) found that 75 to 80 percent of children of divorced parents are "coping reasonably well and functioning in the normal range." Parents were doing well, too. Children are resilient; they adapt and grow. However, there are some things you can to do aid their growth and development:

• Avoid overindulgence . It's easy to try to make up for absence or to soothe your guilt by giving your child everything he or she wants. A steady flow of expensive and unnecessary gifts pours in, and fun activities take up all your time while discipline fails miserably. Parents try to buy affection by being the "good guys." Remember-love can't be bought.

• Try for a good balance . Just as it's easy to overindulge your child, it's easy to neglect him or her as you become mired in your own legal and emotional work. Make time for constructive activities together. Strike a balance between being too demanding and too permissive. These goals are not easy to reach even in the best of times; they'll require more concentration now.

• Let the child be a child . Sometimes a child tries to become a substitute adult or surrogate partner. But your child is not your lover-companion-confessor-spouse, and cannot and should not replace your absent mate. Your child's job is to be a kid, with the privilege of growing up-and occasionally being naughty and mischievous. It is a tremendous burden for a little boy to think he now has to be "the man of the house" or "the big man," or for a little girl to be "the woman of the house" or "the big woman." No child deserves that.

• Respect each other . While there will be the temptation to get your child on "your side," resist it by all means. When one parent is put down or badmouthed by the other, the child is forced into a painful choice: taking sides. When divorces take a bitter turn, we often hear "Your father never cared for you" or "You mother is selfish and thinks only about herself." One or both parents use the child to get even with the other parent. Your youngster may feel it is hopeless to try to be good, that he is doomed to be uncaring like his father, or selfish like her mother.
  
  But don't go overboard in the opposite direction. You don't have to overstate the other parent's virtues-children can tell if you're being honest or faking. Often, a child sees this aspect easier than the negative one of perpetual putdowns. Either one increases insecurity. Your child will respect you if you, the parents, respect each other.

• Relay messages yourself . As one eight year old said to her mother, "My name is not Betsy Bulletin Board!" Avoid sentences that start with, "Tell your father . . . " or "Tell your mother . . . " Write notes. Talk in person. You are going to be this child's parents as long as all of you live. Communicating is necessary, and avoidance is not an option. Communicate with as much good will and respect as you can muster.

• Explain honestly without great details . "Why?" is still a favorite childhood word, and eventually you'll have to give a reason for the divorce. Be honest without going into great detail. One mother told her little girl, "We just can't agree on money. I want to buy clothes and Daddy won't let me." Financial difficulties were one of the causes of division between husband and wife, but the mother had oversimplified the problem. Her daughter replied, "Keep my allowance. I won't buy any candy; that way we can all stay together." It's better to say, "We're very unhappy together. There are a lot of reasons." The actual words you use are less important than the attitude you convey. The attitude you will need is one of hope for the future and love for your child, no matter what.

• You don't have to do it all alone . If you can find a local support group for divorced people and children, give it a try. If you feel at all uneasy about your child's behavior, see a therapist, counselor, or member of the clergy. This can be helpful for both of you. Now is the time to take care of both yourself and your child. One way or another, your uneasiness will be transmitted to your child, and can lessen your capacity for loving and caring for that child. Let others help.

• "Keep on keepin' on ." These words from an old country-western song say it well. A divorce is never easy: You will have anxieties, stress, and strain, and you will get discouraged. Nor is it easy to raise children. Remember-during difficult periods of transition, everyone gets depressed. Just as you don't demand too much from your child, so you should not create unrealistic requirements for yourself. Accept what you can do at the moment, and strive to accomplish more in the future. If you reject yourself as a failure, you will only create a more difficult environment for both of you. Set out to succeed, but one step and one day at a time.
  
  About the only things that don't require one-day-at-a-time work are the resources listed below under "For More Information." This is only as a startup list; there are resources I haven't listed, and books, of course, go in and out of print. If your children are older, let them research some resources as well. And always remember-your love and care, and your ability to model respect and wisdom, are the best resources you can give a child. In the last 25 years, the storm clouds of ignorance about divorce and children have rolled away and the sun has given us more resources than we can count. The big truth about divorcing today is, you don't have to do it all alone. Good help is out there; get some for you and your children.

For more information about divorce, see the following past issues of Mothering: "Tell Them to Stop Fighting," no. 84; "Telling the Compassionate Truth: When Parents Live Apart," no.72; "The Courage to Divorce," no. 68; "Mediation: Perils, Pitfalls, and Benefits," no. 65; "The Dilemma of the Divorced Father," no.61; and "Emotional Dilemmas of Coparenting After Divorce," no. 42.

Joy Johnson, a frequent contributor to Mothering, is an internationally known speaker and storyteller who has written or edited 150 books on grief, most for children. In 1977, she and her husband, Dr. Marvin Johnson, founded Centering Corporation, North America 's oldest and largest bereavement resource center. While Centering Corporation deals mainly with death and grief, it also carries several books on divorce. Joy lives in Omaha , Nebraska , with Marvin and Bailey, a Bernese Mountain Dog trained as a therapy dog for grieving children. The Johnsons are a blended family of six children, nine grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.