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The Steps Of NVC

Expression of Feelings and Needs
NVC includes stating our observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Step 1--Observations: Descriptions of what is seen or heard without added interpretations; for example, instead of "She's having a temper tantrum," say "She is lying on the floor crying and kicking."

Step 2--Feelings: Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing; for example, instead of "I feel like you're irresponsible," which includes an interpretation of another's behavior, say "I feel worried." See www.cnvc.org for an inventory of feeling words.

Step 3--Needs: Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. State your need rather than the other person's actions as the cause; for example, "I feel annoyed because I need support" rather than "I feel annoyed because you didn't do the dishes." See www.cnvc.org for an inventory of needs.

Step 4--Requests: Doable, immediate, and stated in positive action language (what you want instead of what you don't want); for example, "Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we've agreed?" rather than "Would you make sure not to be late again?" By definition, when we make requests we are open to hearing a "no," taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue.

Example of NVC statement:
Original statement: "You're irresponsible! You made me so worried when you didn't get home on time! If you come home late again, you'll be grounded."
NVC statement: "When you came home at midnight after agreeing to come home at 10 p.m., I felt so worried because I need peace of mind about your safety. Would you be willing to spend time right now coming up with a plan that will give you the autonomy you want and also help me feel more peaceful?"

Listening with Empathy
The NVC model of empathetic listening looks like this: Are you feeling _____ because you need _____? Empathy is stated in the form of a question because we are guessing what may be going on in another person. Instead of trying to "get it right," we aim to understand. In the example above, the teen's response may be, "No!" The parent can then switch from expression to listening with empathy: Are you feeling annoyed because you need your ability to choose how to spend your time to be trusted? From here, the dialogue can continue with empathy and expression until both people's needs for connection and understanding are met.