Having Faith In Our Children

It is hard to really understand fear until you are a parent. Suddenly heart wrenching scenes in movies that once seemed contrived are difficult to watch. The evening news that seemed distant is real and disturbing, especially when it involves children.

Fear surrounding our children doesn't limit itself to natural disasters and the proverbial boogie man, it extends to their behavior, their development, their very being.

It is sometimes difficult to raise children and difficult to be fearless in the face of so much uncertainty about them and our own skills.

Children don't always act like we want them to. They all spend a fair amount of time ignoring their parents, whether because they are two years old and testing boundaries, or because they are going through puberty and trying to figure out their place in the world.

Children can be unkind. The term "sibling rivalry" was invented for a reason. Bullying happens at home and at school, and sometimes our children are the mean girls or boys.

Children can be victims too. Sometimes they don't seem to be able to navigate social situations or choose the right friends. Sometimes they get pushed around or don't stand up for themselves.

Children don't always do well in school. They can struggle with math, with reading, or with everything. This is frustrating and frightening in a world where skills in these areas seem to determine success in the world.

There are a million developmental norms that our children are expected to pass through, a million places where they can seem to come up short. It is next to impossible to never worry about them and the people they will become.

I have four kids between 11 and 4. Sometimes I feel as though I will lose my mind. Some days I do. What helps navigate these very real fears and worries? What helps keep a parent sane amid uncertainty? These three principles help me survive. (As long as I remember them.)

having faith in our children

Everything is a Stage

Almost all the things I have worried about with my children have passed. They didn't last forever. From 8 month teething and sleepless nights, to mouthy 10-year-olds, these phases pass. It is hardest to recognize this with my oldest, but time is a patient teacher. With each additional child I see the patterns and stages repeated. I have noticed that when you feel like something is just too much to bear, it is often close to the end. Just think about transition labor and remember that the hardest times often come before the triumph.

Children go through countless developmental stages. They grow and growth is hard. Then...it passes.

Worry Doesn't Help

Worry doesn't help. It pretty much always just increases stress. Stress is useless, especially when what we worry about is really just a stage that will pass no matter what we do or don't do.

Sometimes troubling things are not stages and are struggles that will continue on for years, maybe forever. Some children have persistent health, behavioral, or learning problems that they will not grow out of.

Even in these situations, worry doesn't help. It just increases stress and helplessness without improving the situation.

having faith in our childrenHave Faith in Your Children

We think of faith as a religious term, but it is more than that. I find that when I am really worried, and really freaking out, it is because I have lost faith in my children. Mostly, I am just afraid that they will not ever be OK.

I am afraid that they will not turn out, that they will never finish their school work, never be kind, never behave properly, never be happy, never, never never...

The world is full of lots of "never" when faith has disappeared. This is a yucky place to be.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
Mother Theresa
I let my fears over their present behavior take my sanity and I lose my faith in them and their ability to overcome.

We can't lose faith in our children. We just can't.

We need this faith in them. It helps lose the fear and the anger and frustration that come with it. Faith in our children benefits us.
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
J. R. R. Tolkien
But mostly, they need us to have faith in them. Sometimes I think that the mood swings and the fit throwing that sometimes happens in children is just a result of their lack of faith in themselves.

They worry too.

They sense our fears and they sink deep into their own psyche. They mirror our emotions, especially our emotions towards them.

Have you ever had someone you love and depend on in your hardest times lose faith in you? It is an excruciating feeling to have lost someone who you need to believe in you.

We can't do that to our children.

Believe in them. That they will be OK. That they will be good. That things will work out.

This doesn't just lift them up, it eases our burdens, lessens our anxiety, and makes the difficult moments bearable.

Everyone needs a little faith. Especially from those that love them the most. Especially when they are at their lowest.
"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
Saint Augustine
Remembering these three principles- that everything is a stage, that worry doesn't help, and that they need my faith in them as much as I need it, helps make being a mother just a little bit easier. And we all need that.

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