How to Breastfeed Appropriately: A Stern Guide

Two days ago thousands of mothers flocked to Targets across the nation like they do every day but this time, with breasts full & nipples poised to launch a milk attack against the retail giant. The demonstration or “nurse-in” was in response to a lactating female being asked to feed her child in a changing room, away from public view, rather than in a corner of the store days earlier. Upon hearing this news, leaking women from all over the United States descended upon their local Tar-zhays with babies and proceeded to feed them from their private parts as a way of saying “We’re here, you can leer, get used to it”

What breastfeeding mothers don’t seem to realize is that it is entirely inappropriate to expose upstanding citizens to teat nourishment in a public setting. We’re thrilled that you’ve chosen to feed your child the way nature intended but do we have to see it? I mean, we don’t pee in public (unless we’re drunk) and would prefer that you would show us the same courtesy.

Here are a few tips that mothers should & need to adopt to help the rest of us feel comfortable.

1) Use a cover. Every time. There are many fancy ones on the market. Damask. Lace-trimmed. Or how about a swaddling cloth (if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you kid)? Statistics show that human beings love being in confined spaces. Babies are on their way to becoming full humans so this applies to them as well. I personally eat many of my meals under a loosely draped fitted sheet in my bedroom and find it quite enjoyable. The importance of air circulation has been exaggerated by democrats and Al Gore; do not be fooled. When your baby’s mouth is fully affixed to your udder leaving only two little nostrils to breathe, why wouldn’t she love breathing in repeat Co2?

During the summer months, place two little straws in your baby’s nose scuba-style so that cool air can be retrieved without making us all barf from the sight of your boob flesh.

2) Use a bathroom. Who doesn’t love a public restroom? The next time your baby starts fussing for a taste of your nectar, find the nearest stall or portable potty and nurse standing upright. I suggest a few arm curls at home to deal with the wriggling and maneuvering. If there’s no hook for your diaper bag, just put it on the floor or toilet. If you’ve used your uterus more than once and have a 2nd, or worse, 3rd child in tow, ask the critters to join you in the stall for their safety. It’s like a party! Don’t worry, if you’ve raised them right they won’t touch anything. Perhaps an iPad will keep them busy.

Good babies nurse for between 10-15 minutes so you’ll be out of there before you know it.

If you’re rude enough to bring a baby to a public eatery, it’s still your responsibility to leave the table for the bathroom to nurse. Your meal will be waiting when you return. If your appetite is affected by the smell of light sewage, consider the fantastic weight-loss ramifications and be grateful.

The message is simple: whatever you are doing in public, drop it to move to a private area. Shopping? Leave the cart. At a remote park? Find an abandoned train car. Be considerate.

3) Stay home. It would be easier for you and all of us if you just spent the day in your casa. There’s lots to do: television, hanging out in the backyard (don’t nurse there unless you have a high enough wall- again, RESPECT), cooking, cleaning, laundry, and of course, Facebook. This way you won’t be tempted to whip out a milk bag while the working world goes about their important business.

4) Use bottles. When you leave the house, switch to bottles. If your baby hasn’t used them before, shame on you for not preparing your infant for the real world. Everyone knows that it is very simple for babies to switch between the breast and bottles and won’t at all impact his or her ability to continue breastfeeding in a socially appropriate setting.

Pumping breastmilk is simple, fast, and easy. Just squirt out a a gallon, save it in the fridge and pour it into one of the thousands of bottles available on the market as you need it. Yes your breasts will become painfully engorged, hard to the touch, and will most likely soak your shirt when you’re out & about, but isn’t knowing you’re saving the rest of us from feeling mildly uncomfortable worth it? Take one for the team.

If your baby refuses the bottle, just keep pressing. You’ll break her spirit eventually. If not, see bullet #3.

5) Try formula. Why are you breastfeeding anyway, selfish woman? Not only are you denying others from bonding with your baby via feeding, you’re ruining a pair of perfectly good boobs. Despite the claims of science, breasts are to be admired, not ravished for the sake of a small child. Formula is very inexpensive and just as good for babies. Science doesn’t support my claims but I have good feelings about them. Your pious act of breastfeeding your child is not only creating unease, but making moms who use formula feel bad. Stop doing it.

6) Get some morals. Do you have sex in public? No. Then why would you engage in what is obviously a sexual act with your child? Just because something is natural, doesn’t mean we all want to see it. This isn’t France- we don’t skip around naked eating baguettes and bad smelling cheese. We’re American. We have ethics, God, and Kraft singles. I lived in Orange County and saw lots of breasts displayed in malls, but they weren’t feeding newborns and their areola areas were (generally) kept under a tank top so these women were celebrated. There are breasts splashed all over magazine racks, on television bouncing up and down to hip hop and popping out of tight plastic NASCAR bodysuits but that’s different. We’re OK with boobs if money has been exchanged. Has your cheap baby paid you? No? Then wrap it up.

In conclusion, breastfeeding is for lazy, exhibitionist, thrill-seeking mothers who have nothing better to do than to make the rest of us shrivel in disgust. Your behavior is ruining our country so if you can’t sufficiently hide it to the point that we have no idea it’s even happening, don’t do it. A grandmother somewhere said that she nursed all eight of her babies without anyone knowing and if someone did something, it means you should to. Because if there’s one thing we all know, people did things better and were far more moral in the past.

Offending people is a crime and very wrong.

This land is your land. This land is my land. From California to the New York island. From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters, this land was made for you and me. And as partial owner, you’re freaking me out.

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Bunmi Laditan

About Bunmi Laditan

Bunmi is a mother, writer, and social media entrepreneur living in Montréal, Canada (by way of California). She has two girls ages 6 and almost 2.