how to stucco your legs

stucco is for houses1. Pick a day when there’s a High Wind Warning.*

2. Be sure to put lots of lotion on your legs after your morning shower so that they are protected from drying conditions and sun damage.

3. Wear a skirt and sandals. Note: Select a skirt that is not too flared, so that you’re not forced to walk the two miles to work holding your skirt down with both hands.

4. Walk to work into the wind. Note: While it might be irresistible to scream things at the wind, like “This is RIDICULOUS!” or “I CAN’T STAND THIS!”, try to remember that the wind, contrary to the emotions it might bring forth from within you, is not a living being and will not even notice your pain and frustration.

The process: High winds will pick up dust and debris from the path along the train tracks which lead to your office, hurling the particles at you as you walk, bent almost double, into the wind. Your morning’s dose of lotion will serve as adhesive, ensuring that the coating of dust and grit adheres evenly to your limbs. The initial application will sting like the devil, but only for a moment, after which the pain will subside and you will merely feel filthy.

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*According to today’s weather advisory from Wunderground, this means:

“Winds… southwest winds 40 to 50 mph with gusts of 65 to 75 mph” and “Dangerous cross winds will impact large or tall vehicles. Loose objects may become airborne. Tree limbs may break off with damage possible to buildings… power lines… and large signs.” (The ellipses are theirs. Who knew the weather people were so poetic?)

Photo: Stucco is lovely on houses, providing an aesthetically pleasing textured surface which also serves as a sealant to protect the exterior of the house. (i.e. There was no way I was going to post a photo of my textured, brownish, and not at all aesthetically pleasing legs once I got to the office.)

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