Miscarriage Grief

At 10 weeks, the day after Christmas, I found out that my baby had died at 8 weeks. I cannot believe how sad I feel. I have withdrawn from all family and friends except for my husband and children. I do not know how to deal with this grief. I don’t know if it is worse because the pregnancy was not planned, and my husband did not want another baby. Despite the surprise he was coming around to accepting the baby. I was really happy to be pregnant and felt this baby would complete our family. Now I feel sad and hopeless because I know my husband won’t try again. In fact he admitted that part of him was sad, but also relieved there won’t be a baby. This just breaks my heart. I just don’t know where to turn and feel there is a chasm between me and my husband because he really doesn’t understand my grief.

The chasm between you and your husband is real. Your grief is intense while he is partly sad but mostly relieved. This chasm will inevitably affect your marriage. I strongly suggest that you both go to marital counseling, so that you can better explain to him how you feel and he can better learn how to support you, even given that his feelings are so different from yours. Men tend to compartmentalize their feelings--their corpus callosum (the bridge between the right and left hemispheres) is much smaller than ours. We can be both completely emotional and rational at the same moment, they can't. And they don't like feeling their emotions, so they tend to avoid dealing with them and again, to compartmentalize. 

So I recommend marital counseling, but even more than that I recommend that you surround yourself with a supportive circle of female friends, or if you don't have that available, then please find a bereaved parents group in your area and attend regularly--your voice needs to be heard in a supportive environment where others can share similar experiences with you.

RE no more babies, you cannot know what the future holds! If there is another baby who really wants to be born through you, he or she will come, no matter who wants what!

With great love and compassion,

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