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	new baby sleep

A Foot in Your Face, or Ten Other Reasons to Family Bed
By Joylyn Fowler
Issue 98, January/February 2000

My husband and I have slept with our two daughters, four-year-old Lexie and 19-month-old Janene, every night since the day each of them was born. I have found that some of the reasons we continue to family bed are different from the ones most often cited. Let’s start with that stereotype about more sleep, for instance...

It is certainly convenient to help your baby latch on and then go back to sleep while she fills her belly with milk. But sometimes during those early morning nursing sessions, when I feel the tender softness of my baby’s mouth searching, and hear the little mewing sounds that wake me gently, sleeping is the last thing I want to do. Instead, I want to enjoy the euphoria of the letdown—or just simply gaze at Janene’s face, at her small feet, at her curls and sweetly closed eyes. I’m reminded of what I often lose sight of during the frenetic day—I made this child, I grew her inside of me, my milk has made her grow. It is such an empowering feeling. I can’t tell you how many hours I have just lain there looking at one of my daughters. Or both of them, curled together, bonding in sleep in a way that most certainly affects their waking hours together. No, it’s not always more sleep, but it’s definitely better sleep.

Then there’s that other thing a bed is associated with—sex. The first question that family bedding parents get is almost always, "What about sex?" Family bed or no, having sex after kids isn’t really a problem—finding time for sex is. In fact, many cosleeping parents, like us, have found that family bedding just makes your sex life more inventive. If the kids are in the family bed, well, that means they aren’t in the living room, bathroom, kitchen, guest bedroom, hallway, on top of the fridge... you get the idea. When you family bed, you have to use your imagination to sustain your sex life. And this is a bad thing? Years after the wedding and a few kids down the road, most parents could use a bit of inventiveness in their sex life. In the bed, under the sheets, lights off, same position—that can get old and boring.

And boring the family bed is not! I once heard a mother say she loved the idea of waking up to her baby’s sweet breath on her cheek. I like that idea too—but it has never happened to me. I wake up with a foot in my face. A toe in my nose. An elbow in my neck. Oh, but these are the best times, waking up to a smiling baby, even if it’s 3:00 a.m. and you have to get up for work in two hours. When I feel that foot in my face, I know my baby is alive and moving and breathing. How much sleep would I get at night if I were waking every so often to listen, then crawling out of bed and dragging my sleepy self to another room to check on the well-being of my children? Call me lazy, but I’d rather just lift one finger, place it on a daughter’s chest and be reassured by the rise and fall. Most of the time, though, I don’t have to expend even that limited energy because our sleep cycles are in sync. We all usually hit light sleep at the same time, so even if Janene doesn’t wake to nurse, I feel her shift to get more comfortable almost at the same time I’m doing the same. In fact, the whole row of family members is shifting in their sleep: smoothing covers, adjusting pillows, reaching for a sip of water or a bit of milk, or simply reassuring themselves of everyone’s safety.

Another reason I sleep with my children is safety. I live in earthquake-prone California, but natural disasters strike in the middle of the night, with little or no warning, all over the world. If there is a fire or earthquake or other emergency, I want my girls right here. I just can’t see myself, upon the first shakes of the house, finding my shoes, running across the hall, into the baby’s room, finding the crib, finding the child in the crib, running to yet another room, finding the bed, finding the toddler in the bed, and then making my way to the safety of a door frame. And what about the horror of those seconds: the terror of an infant and small child, their first earthquake, alone, with things tumbling off the walls all around them, their entire world trembling. No thanks, I’ll keep my children by my side, in sleep as well as during the waking hours.

My philosophy was unfortunately put to the test last fall when a 7.0-magnitude earthquake rocked our house in the wee hours. Upon awaking, I was immediately able to assess the situation. Although we were far from the epicenter, there was no way I could have walked—let alone run—to another room to check on the safety of my children. I would have been thrown against the wall or other furniture, and then what good would I have been to my children? Because they were sleeping right by my side, I simply had to look at them to confirm that they were still asleep and unaware that the earth was moving beneath us. In fact, their sleeping, peaceful faces helped to calm me down.

Living through our first earthquake as a family confirmed what I had known all along: I’m a mom 24 hours a day. And it sure is easier to be a 24-hour parent if both of my children are next to me during the night. There are many people who keep their most precious belongings—photographs, jewelry, antiques—close to where they sleep, so they can save those things in an emergency. I do the same, but the most precious things in my life are my priceless little girls.

And speaking of price: A friend of mine spent $800 last year on a crib, another couple of hundred dollars on a mattress, and even more on matching sheets, curtains, crib railing, blankets, bassinet, and other paraphernalia. I’d gauge she spent well over $1,500 on places for her child to sleep. With that money, she could have bought a king-size bed—my dream. As it turned out, her baby did end up using the bassinet a bit—during the day. But he has mostly slept in his mother’s arms, in the family bed, and their crib is now a cat bed. Or sometimes my friend drapes drying clothes over it, because air flows so nicely through the bars. She has tried to sell it, but since it is now "used," she won’t get close to what she paid for it. As it is for many cosleeping families, their very pricey crib is mostly used as a repository for toys and other playthings.

Oh, the play that goes on in the family bed! The giggles, the tickles, the games of hide-and-seek and peekaboo.... OK, sure, some of these games take place at 2:00 in the morning, but hey, if you just go with it, it’s not an issue. Sometimes when I get home from work, there is dinner to be cooked, and a toilet that really needs scrubbing, the breakfast dishes are still on the counter, and who forgot to shut the bread box again, the rolls are all dried out. It is sometimes hard to keep in mind that in 20 years your kids will not remember the dirty dishes, nor if dinner’s macaroni and cheese again—but they will recall those sweet games of peekaboo at sunrise or midnight. And after the midnight games, sleep, however brief, will be filled with lovely dreams.

Everyone has dreams, mostly good, but sometimes horrid. Again, I’m lazy. I would not want to run to another room to comfort my child after a nightmare. All I have to do is roll over and pull my four-year-old close to me. Sometimes all Lexie wants is my touch and voice. But if she needs to, she can tell me all about the monster, and then nurse gently back to sleep while I whisper a sweet dream for her to take with her. Because mommy and daddy are right there at night, Lexie’s nightmares are, thankfully, few and far between. Good dreams, though, are plentiful—and how we enjoy them. An avid dreamer myself, I really love sharing this often scarcely remembered part of sleep with my child. Lexie is learning lucid dreaming nowadays: how to dream the good dream again and again, how to fight the monster and win or banish the nightmare. The experience of watching her grow in this way is not one I would want to miss.

How I miss my girls, my husband, when I’m at work! I am away from them eight hours a day, five days a week, and they both spend another ten to 12 hours asleep. This gives me just a few waking hours with them each work day. Why would I want to spend each night apart from them? Childhood days are so short, my girls are so young, and they need me so much. I want to enjoy every minute I can with them, even the sleeping ones. My husband and I will have many years to sleep alone together—right now, it’s time for us to be together as a family, in sickness and in health.

Fortunately, ours is a very healthy family, but when one of us gets sick, cosleeping makes it easier to cope. I personally cannot imagine dealing with a sick child without the family bed. One night recently, both girls had a stomach bug, and all I had to do was throw a bunch of towels on the bed, grab a big bowl, a trash bag, a couple of wet washcloths, and we were set. A child would wake up, I’d grab the bowl, and sometimes I actually got it under her face before she threw up. And if not, I’d simply stuff the soiled towels into the garbage bag, wipe my child’s face with a wet cloth, give her a sip of water, and we’d both try to go to back to sleep. Not once did I have to get out of bed. My children’s needs were met, and I got much more sleep than if I had been shuffling between different rooms all night.

We’ve also family bedded through three surgeries and a five-day hospital stay. When Lexie was hospitalized two years ago, I had to sign a waiver because the hospital would not be responsible for her being in a regular bed instead of a crib. Within a few days, however, many of the staff had changed their minds. They saw how quickly my little girl calmed when my husband or I lay next to her. It was clear that she slept better, and was therefore healing faster. They had expected to hospitalize Lexie for a week to nine days, but she was released after only five. By then, my husband and I had received many compliments from the pediatric staff about both our child and our parenting—and we know many had reassessed their ideas regarding extended breastfeeding and cosleeping. The crisis empowered our parenting choices and brought us even closer together as a family.

And family togetherness is such an important concern in our society these days. While divorce sometimes is the most suitable option for a family—and healthy children can be raised in single-parent households—there is no question that a breakup deeply affects everyone. The "experts" have been saying for years that families who spend time together: eating, playing, reading, even cleaning house together are more likely to stay together. So why wouldn’t a family who sleeps together also be more likely to stay together? The intense bonding that takes place when a family sleeps next to one another can only help to cement family relationships. I see this not only in my relationship with my children, but in their relationship with each other.

One night, for instance, I woke up in a bit of a panic. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew why: My baby was not next to me! Janene had just begun crawling, and I was still getting used to the idea that she could move so quickly. I looked around, and there she was, lying next to her big sister Lexie—on top of her, actually. But what was most amazing was the fact that Lexie was lying perfectly still, looking at me with eyes wide open, and softly patting her sister with her free hand. In a stage whisper she said "Mommy, shhh, she’s asleep." During the day they sometimes fight, and occasionally, purposely torment each other. But there is a gentleness between them, too, and family bedding cultivates this.

During the day we are always so busy. The girls are busy at play, we at our work—all of us occupied with life. We try to make time for the important things like reading stories, playing, or just sitting together and talking, but it doesn’t always happen. Play dates, work, appointments, and other commitments all interfere with family time. But at night, we can make up for it. In one room, across two mattresses on the floor, we are all together. Talking over the heads of the children and playing footsie, my husband and I are sharing the truest intimacy there is. And between us lie the best reasons to keep our family together—our children.

Joylyn Fowler, 34, lives in Huntington Beach, California with her husband, Mark, their two daughters, Lexie (4) and Janene (19 months), and their malamute/German shepherd, Tigger, who also shares the family bed.