Now That I Have Kids, My Sex Drive is Nonexistent: What Should I Do?

Unhappy Couple On Bed

Welcome to our new Q&A series with Dr. Claire Nicogossian. Find more about about this column and how you can submit a question to Dr. Claire at the bottom of this post.

Dear Dr. Claire,

My husband and I have been married for nine years and have two children, a three-year-old and five-year-old. My husband works long hours and travels; I am in charge of the kids from morning until night during the week. When he’s home and on the weekend, my husband wants to have sex, and I have no interest, at all. My husband is getting frustrated with the lack of sex and I’m pretty annoyed with how every time he offers to rub my feet or give me a back rub, it’s how he initiates sex. I could live without sex. I am exhausted and just want to sleep or be by myself. How can I get my husband to understand I’m just not interested in sex right now? I’d prefer to sleep.

-Lost Libido and OK with it.

Dear Lost Libido,

Your days are quite full and demanding. I understand how caring for children and being the sole parent most of the week depletes your energy leaving you exhausted with no energy for anything but sleep.

Libido, or sexual desire, is the willingness and interest to engage in sexual activity. Individuals have different levels of sexual desire based on many things: stress, lifestyle, medications, mental health, hormonal functioning, and individual differences, which is a way of saying “just how you are.” There is a range of what is considered “healthy” for sexual desire. However, when a person has no sexual desire, it usually signals a deeper concern, chronic stress, depression, anxiety or physical health issues.

When couples have different levels of sexual desire, as you describe in your marriage with one person having no sexual desire and the other having moderate sexual desire, the result is tension and sexual intimacy issues.

But you don’t need me to tell you that, you are living it right now. First this is not simply an issue with you. When a couple is having sexual problems, it’s not the “fault” of one person. Instead, it is a couple’s problem.

Based on your description of your life, you have an extraordinary amount of stress and responsibility taking care of your children. I also hear something else though; you and your husband don’t seem to be connecting emotionally.

Are you and your husband emotionally supportive to one another during the week? Do you talk on the phone, skype-how do you both connect during the week? When you do talk with one another, what do you talk about? Is it the children, finances, household tasks, what I call the “reporting” of what happened during the day? It’s important to talk about those details and balance time connecting emotionally with one another. I would encourage you both to set aside time daily where you can talk and share with one another meaningful detail of the day and give/receive support with one another.

I also want you to ask yourself the following question: “What do I need from my husband to reduce the stress of solo parenting during the week?” Find one or two concrete behaviors he can do; for example, maybe he can grocery shop on the weekend and prep a couple of meals for the week when he is away. If this doesn’t sound like something he would be willing to do, then find something he can do or let him decide how he can help alleviate the household demands during the week.

On the weekend, let your husband take over for a couple of hours and take some time for yourself. I’m sure your husband is tired from the week of travel and work, but he’s also has been disconnected physically from the family unit and you have been in charge all week. You need time to replenish and restore your energy. Instead of filling your time with errands or chores, spend the time doing something just for you. I imagine you may choose to sleep in your free time based on how exhausted you have been. But also consider going for a walk or doing an activity you enjoy doing but haven’t had the time to do. Go to a movie, spend time with friends, sit and read in a park, exercise, and come up with other ways restore your energy.

It’s also going to be important to talk with your husband about your lack of sexual desire. You and your husband will have to work together to find solutions to improve sexual intimacy. One “red flag” in your description is that every neck or back rub is the way your husband initiates sex. I see this often in counseling-when physical touch leads to sexual intimacy. What ends up happening is a great deal of frustration because sometimes one partner just wants physical touch without it leading to sex. It’s important for couples to have non-sexual touch. Which means that a neck rub or a hug need to be just that, a physical expression of affection. Let your husband know that you want a neck rub just to be a neck rub. Find other ways to communicate how you both would like to plan and initiate sex.

I want you to work on getting enough sleep. Make sure you are on a sleep routine and getting enough sleep each night. You describe being exhausted at the end of most days. Libido decreases with sleep deprivation, chronic stress, depression, and anxiety. If you address all of the suggestions above and continue to have no sexual desire, I would recommend talking with your primary care physician or seeking the support of a therapist to talk about your low libido and to work on strategies as a couple to improve sexual intimacy.

I hope these suggestions help you.

Take care,
Dr. Claire

 


18 thoughts on “Now That I Have Kids, My Sex Drive is Nonexistent: What Should I Do?”

  1. I think she asked how she could get her husband to understand that she’s not interested, not how to force herself to have sex again. She said she was OK with having no libido.

    I would be interested in a straight forward answer to that as well… My husband just doesn’t “get it.” I feel like that woman spoke my mind.

  2. I’m kind of tired of hearing people say a low libido is not healthy/normal/a problem. Has anyone considered that moms with small children naturally have low libido to increase spacing between children? When a mom with a 3 and 5 year old has a low libido and is ok with it, maybe we should tell her that is perfectly fine? Just a thought.

    1. Women shouldn’t be pressured to have sex and it’s true that these things could be caused by having two young kids. You shouldn’t ignore the possibility that these symptoms are made worse by an underlying medical condition that a simple blood test can identify in two days. These are the symptoms I had when my thyroid crashed. Getting appropriate treatment helped these and my mood.

      1. But it’s not always a medical issue, and we need to stop acting like there is something wrong. Like low sex drive is a symptom. It’s motherhood. My husband has me going back and getting test after test because “there MUST be something WRONG with ME” because I have no sex drive. Every test has come back fine. I am not sick. I am a human, and we are NOT all the same.

  3. I completely agree with the other commenters. I have a 12 year old, 5 year old, 4 year old (all 3 adopted with various stressing issues), and a 2 year old. I can’t stand when people, this article included, state that no libido is a concern. Um, breastfeeding, cosleeping, meal preparing, playing, errands, breaking up fights, cleaning, etc leave a mom so worn out that how can we want to have sex at the end of the day?! We are lucky to get showers!! Please!

    More moms need to hear this is NORMAL and partly due to hormones also instead of oh no, maybe you are depressed. Um, I don’t think so. Luckily, my husband understands, which actually ups my desire to please him because he never demands or gets upset with me. It’s definitely nice having a man help with things around the house, give me foot rubs just because, and be involved with our kids. If I didn’t have that, I know I would be very grouchy and very unwilling to initiate anything. I’d find myself being resentful for sure! A leader in my local LLL told everyone that she forces herself to have sex every time her husband asks for it (almost nightly!) because he doesn’t demand anything else of her. That’s not okay to me. Just because he “lets” her be a leader and breastfeed into toddlerhood and everything else doesn’t mean she should lay down her body for him. A healthy, loving, intimate relationship means we communicate, compromise, strive to be friends and our best selves, and understand each other. In this phase of my life, that means not a lot of sex, but my husband can enjoy a little tease while I’m finally in the shower! You can get creative, for sure and find ways to have a bit of fun.

  4. Medical issues should be ruled out and it would probably be unethical of the doctor not to point out the possibility that these symptoms could be partially exacerbated by medical problems. She didn’t say it was definitely caused by a medical problem though. Her suggestions do seem to be geared towards trying to make the relationship better, using communication, to boost libido but that’s probably because she assumed that most people reading a post like this want advice along those lines. I think it is the rare relationship that can survive a lack of communication and a lack of sex.

    Low libido and no libido are very different things. If you don’t want to address having no libido and don’t want to have sex anymore even though your husband does you need to be clear about it so you csn both consider whether the relationship is worth that sacrifice or not.  A therapist, as the author suggested, can help with that process.

    1. “If you don’t want to address having no libido and don’t want to have sex anymore even though your husband does you need to be clear about it so you csn both consider whether the relationship is worth that sacrifice or not.”

      Well, I’m certainly glad not to have a naysayer like you in my life! I can’t imagine the kind of relationships you have if you think you should just throw away a marriage if there are a few stressful, child rearing years of infrequent sex. I’m glad my marriage is based on so much more than that! That’s a pretty sad response. And, yes, most women do get thyroids tested just in case. My MALE doctor laughed and told me mine was fine but I’m raising 3 kids under 5 so I SHOULD be exhausted. Guess you just don’t get it!

      1. I wouldn’t have had my thyroid tested if a mom on a chat site hadn’t suggested it so I don’t think it is something most mother’s do.

        Wanting very little sex and wanting no sex are two very different things. I loved the less frequent sex after giving birth, it was spicier and more exciting. Having no sex at all and finding a solution to make your spouse okay with that is not realistic for many marriages, even less sex can take a toll in some marriages so to assume that going for years with no sex should be fine for most marriages is ridiculous given the realities of the current divorce rates. I would never stay in an unfulfilling relationship, divorce isn’t that bad.

        I also wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I don’t get support with the house and kids, time for myself, and the basic respect of not being pressured into sex whenever I accept a footrub. That sounds like a relationship where communication and respect are lacking and I know I deserve better and am better of divorced than in a bad marriage.

        In the case of the woman who wrote in it sounds like she has no communication with her spouse, no respect for him, and a desire to never have sex again. That is the kind of relationship I can’t imagine being in. I really don’t understand calling that normal and assuming that if the husband stops wanting sex too it will be a good marriage. It sounds like a train wreck.

  5. I was so excited to see this letter, especially the signature (Lost Libido and OK with it). I have a great husband, awesome kids, and a fabulous life … but I also have zero desire for sex. Zero. I am also a Lost Libido and OK with it person. I’m not depressed. I’m not harboring any deep-seeded resentment. We are not on the precipice of divorce. I just do not want to have sex. I see so many articles about how often people are having sex (I’m so abnormal!) and that if are not having sex then your marriage is doomed to fail (I’m dooming my marriage!) … so it’s good to see that I’m not alone to be in a loving relationship where we connect emotionally, intellectually, and physically … even though there is no sex. Wish there was more validation out there for us low-sex-drive women.

  6. Most of the articles today that I read are about how little American parents have sex. In our stress driven culture, it seems that a married couple may have sex about 2-4 times a month. That just blows my mind. I couldn’t function on that puny amount of intimacy.

    First, couples can google the Finding Your Love Language site and take the test when you aren’t tired. It makes a difference. Finding out how you feel loved an knowing how your partner feels loved is importante!

    Second, find a copy of Tantric orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson and both of you read a chapter aloud each night. She really does a great job of showing how a woman can experience intimacy.( Which is good instruction for guys. ) The books covers a lot of subjects including healing from violence/rape to learning how a woman needs foreplay and yes even some strange tantric exercises (which we didn’t do) but they were fun to listen too.

    Third, sex just isn’t for guys. I remember, after having 4 kids, my epiphany. I was laying there doing my duty when I felt indignant. Darn it, I need to be getting something from this and that day I began my journey into finding out how to achieve the intimacy I really needed. It included many talks about what I wanted from my husband, with my husband and even more learning for me how to get turned on by my love. It included showing him what I needed done around the house and for the both of us learning what our love language was and how to show it to the other person. It included both of us putting energy into our relationship as partners and it realyl strengthened Team US.

    Fourth, I see this all the time with my firefighter wives club get togethers. We meet and it becomes a guy bashing, sex bashing bi#@#@#-fest. Including instructions of lists of things they don’t allow their husbands to do to them. I cringe and want to die inside because intimate sex is a beautiful thing and it’s supposed to be for both of you. Yes, ladies take back your body and teach him how to make intimacy come alive for you.

    Fifth, birth control and medications and health conditions do have an effect on libido and I went off birth control because it turned me into dragon mommy. Somebody, I won’t name names here, had to get a vasectomy.

    If being tired is the number one reason why you don’t have sex then get a babysitter one night a week. Switch it up with another family so you can commune with your lover. Remember that time when “he”/”she” was the love of your life? Also express that you are so tired to have sex because you need “him” to pitch in with help around the house. This is where a little compromise comes into action because men are willing to work for sex. It isn’t a barter per se. But more of pitching in so that the household things can get accomplished and so that it lifts a weight off the shoulders of the mom. If you have a man willing to learn how to please you and is willing to help around the house then don’t take him for granted.

    One of my girlfriends said she was told by her husband that when he “punches out” from work he doesn’t need to help around the house. She told him that if he helped her that they would have more time for intimacy and couples time. She said, he stood up and went in the kitchen and washed all the dishes, took out the garbage and swept the floor. She was so turned on by watching him work that they ended up having another child.

    If you think that I am championing sex for guys you are incorrect. Sex needs to be for women and then men. Sometimes you need to start back at square one and figure out how you both can turn your brain on. If that means you man is dressing up like Magic Mike and doing a dance for you to get you in the mood then he needs to bring his half of love to the table.

    If your man isn’t willing to help around the house or do the things you need him to do to help get you in the mood then I totally see marriage counseling and no sex in his future. If you both are fine having the same amount of sex and love whether its everyday, like me, or just once a week because he isn’t around much and you are fine with your normal then that’s great too.

    As a mom of 4 children, I can’t live without the intimacy I receive from my lover and it is the first and last thing I look forward to everyday.

  7. My wife and I are going through the same thing; we have a 6 year old, (almost) 4 year old, and a breast-fed 7 month old. I work long hours, so she’s doing it alone Mon-Fri. It’s insanely difficult and tiring. My sex drive is through the roof, and hers, due to the exhaustion and the hormonal changes caused by breast-feeding, is nil. When I come home at night, I try to initiate and her answer is always “not today”. I used to get frustrated because honestly, men are wired differently – we don’t need emotional connection beforehand, or hugging and snuggling. When we’re excited, we want sex. Period. And physical contact without leading to sex is extremely difficult to take when we’re in that state of mind. After my wife had me read a few articles about other moms and the affects of breast-feeding, I came to understand what she was going through and we’re handling this better. But I will say this: men aren’t wired to go months or even weeks without sex. We go nuts (even if we don’t show it on the surface). Yes, it’s normal to not have a sex drive DURING times such as that described in the article – but it sounds like some of you think that your husband should be okay with the idea of you having no libido, EVER, and I’m not sure how you can think a marriage can last stress-free under those circumstances. I think the article is right – there needs to be efforts made on BOTH sides – if she’s getting all the hugs and snuggles in the world and it’s keeping her happy, she should know that the husband is sacrificing his own happiness during this time, and (rightfully so) there is and should be an expectation that at some point, sexual contact will start again.

  8. Bravo to Dr. Claire for providing some helpful tips and gentle prodding for both the men and women in this equation. I’ll probably be a little more blunt but it’s worth re-stating her advice: “ask yourself the following question: “What do I need from my husband to reduce the stress of solo parenting during the week?”

    First of all – solo parenting should not be happening. If you have a guy who, maybe he does work hard to bring home the bacon, but then fills his other time with going out golfing, bowling, drinking, hanging with the guys etc – and isn’t pulling his weight at home… well I’ve just got no sympathy for a narcissistic guy like that who isn’t an engaged father.

    And even for those fathers who ARE engaged and supportive, we WANT TO KNOW how we can help you deal with the stress of motherhood. Frankly for some women motherhood does NOT come naturally and the last thing you can do in a place like Mothering.com is acknowledge that perhaps you were not cut out to be a wife and mother.

    So in my case it started with the laundry – cloth diapers of course (because my wife needed to do things only the hardest, most “natural” ways – organic home made baby food that she spent hours obsessing over, researching, making… in which she’d spend a month’s grocery budget in one day at a high end natural food store. So then I added food shopping to my list of additional chores I’d take on, eventually forgoing lunch breaks at work so that I could do chores or get home early to help out.

    I was happy to do all these things, in part because I believed by taking the pressure off her – not to mention opening up the time she claimed she didn’t have for me – it would result in my wife having sex with me. Eventually I added on doing the dishes and cleaning the house to that mix.

    Really I just did everything I could think of beyond what she asked, to take away any excuse she was fond of using NOT to have sex with me. Ultimately that just lead to me feeling used for my money and income with barely even a hint of appreciation verbalized, let alone shown physically.

    It’s very humiliating to be a man admitting that his wife will not have sex with him. My younger self would say “why the heck did you get married?” and my older self has to admit it was not to live a celibate wife, working two jobs to allow a wife who cannot or will not (it doesn’t matter which to most husbands) and taking care of kids

    It seems there’s two types of women out there. Those who say they put their children first, and those who say they put their families first.

    Those who put their children first really aren’t doing it for their kids… they’re doing it for themselves – the kids really don’t need you going to a 3 hour baby-wearing workshop instead of being intimate with their children’s father. They don’t need mama going to a La Leche conference for the weekend – and they don’t even need their mama having to make sure every toy is put away before approaching the bedroom that once was a place for love and intimacy – but is now a place where she can assume the mantle of “Uber Mom” who breast feeds each kid for 4 years and always co-sleeps with the kids to ensure a good buffer between she and hubby.

    Some have shot back at the author, who takes a well reasoned position that celibacy is not normal or healthy, that low libido IS normal. There’s a grain of truth there of course – it’s expected that a woman’s sex drive lets up when she’s caring for children. Heck, breast feeding itself is a natural birth control and it’s expected it would also have a role in low libido. So why exactly do you insist on doing it for 5 years? It’d be one thing if you had a healthy intimate relationship with their father but you don’t – yet you insist on doing all the things you KNOW will stand in the way of intimacy – and adopt a view point that intimacy with your husband is the absolute lowest priority, only after chores that easily could wait til the next morning are done (and then you’re too tired)

    So yes – tell us what we can do to help. Now if we do that and nothing changes, don’t expect us to be too happy about it. If we throw in the date nights and drop a few hundred dollars only to have you fall asleep at 9:30 after drinking a glass of wine, don’t fault us for not being happy our attempt to romance you resulted in the same sexless outcome, with just a need to take on a third paying job to afford the effort.

    Those women who put their FAMILIES first are not the narcissists of the women obsessed with themselves (which they transfer to their babies) – they include their husbands in their definition of “family” and they recognize that, yes, men do have needs – and it’s really NOT such an awful thing that they still have a man who desires them.

    But after years of women taking healthy things to unhealthy extremes while the men who suppport and provide for them are made to feel like used sperm donors, you’re going to find that your men develop some coping strategies to deal with their rejected desire.

    They simply stop desiring you. And honestly, it’s not hard to stop desiring a woman like that who simply does not comprehend that her man loves her and has physical needs – because for men, sex = love and if there is no sex there is no love.

    So if you ever do run out of excuses and re-gain that lost libido, if you’re lucky your man will still be around. But he may not be – because life’s too short to spend with a woman unwilling or unable to love – and it’s NOT healthy for the kids to see that type of a relationship. One hopes if there are any vestigages of being a good mother left in one who would ignore her husband’s needs, at the very least she should never want her own son to be married to a woman like her that will not love her – but that’s exactly what she’s setting her son up for by example. And her daughter will see what “normal” mother/father relationships are all about. Namely, no intimacy and a frustrated angry husband/father. That’s the type of relationship SHE will have, learning from you.

    So if the children are TRULY your motivation – and not yourself, and your mama/baby/yoga classes and other things you claim are for the children but are really for you – then you’ll put your FAMILY first

    And for the guys who DO go above and beyond and will take on any and all extra chores so his wife “has the time” for him, I urge you to take your wife in hand – she’s acting irrationally and this WILL end in divorce for you. Talk to her – let her know that you will not continue to tolerate a loveless marriage. Agree to marriage counseling but ONLY if she agrees to counseling on her own – as there are MAJOR issues below the surface for these women that likely have NOTHING to do with you but she needs to address.

    No one can or should force a woman to engage in sexual relations – and we WANT you to actually WANT us (though fake if if you have to and at least act like you like us occasionally) – but if you don’t want to have sex then you don’t want to be married – and you shouldn’t be. Maybe for the kids sake you let him have a mistress – which could be the perfect solution as you then never have to have sex with your husband again.

    But no, it’s not “normal” to have no libido and to have a celibate marriage. A lower libido is exepected – and it’s expected too that you can put down that self help book, choose NOT to go to the 3 hour baby-wearing workshop or all the dozens of hobbies most women who claim to have no time for their husbands seem to find time for. Give a fraction of time to the man you once loved – and you’ll be AMAZED at how much more helpful and supportive he can be.

    If you choose not to do so, well, I can say first hand that being a single parent is hard – but SO worth it compared to being in a loveless, sexless relationship. And that’s what you will most definitely be if you are incapable of loving your husband.

    So for all those guys out there in what was my situation, I recommend you get things in order and prepare for divorce – because the excuses used when kids are infants and toddlers don’t go away. Kids become more demanding and take up more time with less privacy – so it’s getting worse from here – not better. The excuses will never end – I know.

    But give it one more shot – take on some additional chores – and if there’s no reciprocation from the wife, take the steps you need to get out of that toxic relationship and show your kids a healthy loving one with their step-mother.

    Ask yourself – how much time did I just spend reading all of this – how much time on Mothering.com? How much time reading self help books? How much time going to yoga? How much time going to workshops that you claim are “putting the children first” – and now devote just a TINY fraction of that – even just 5 minutes, to making the man who works so hard for you and the kids feel good every so often

    Research and polling shows that in healthy happy relationships couples have sex 2-3 times a week. Anything less, and you’re in trouble (more is fine, but more than once every two days doesn’t show increased happiness), If you are one of those wives or husbands who only sees physical affection once every few weeks, once a month, once a quarter – or maybe less – then you need to get busy being married or get busy getting divorced.

    Anything less than twice a week and that’s unhealthy and abnormal, even if natural biology is one of the reasons. But it’s YOUR choice to breastfeed and co-sleep for 5 years – so don’t blame that on “natural” biology. You as non-sexual wives have created this situation. You can easily alleviate the situation and no longer put your families at risk.

    OR – continue deluding yourself that continuing a relationship heading for divorce is something you can twist into “putting the children first”

    It’s not – and frankly those of you who fail to put your FAMILIES first – which does include your husband – are not good mothers. That’s harsh, but it’s also true. And just as you assert that any man should be able to put his desire for you aside – or perhaps “use his hand” (yeah right – we got married so we have to masturbate?) can also rise above your biological instincts and give your man 10 – no even just 5 minutes of you pretending to like and desire him – so you can TRULY put your children first and protect a marriage which frankly, you never should have gone into if you’re this type of woman… but I digress

    If you’re not taking good care of what is hopefully your good man and good father, you’re not a good wife or a good mom. Accept that and then decide which direction you want to go in.

    And frankly, from a guy’s perspective, I’m much happier being divorced from such a woman. It’s a win win – I don’t waste my time desiring her anymore and she’s finally getting what she wants – not to be desired or “touched” by anyone after she spend another year breast feeding to keep that libido low.

    And as far as that first question – “ask yourself what your man can do to relieve some of the stress from your life” – let your husband tell you his answer to that as well. I’m sure it’s some form of sex, ideally from you if you still happen to be a woman he desires. Someday you might look back on those years that you WERE desired nostalgically – but at the point that hubby STOPS pestering you to have sex with him, it’s pretty much over.

    But no, none of your behavior is normal, and frankly you need to get help – just tell yourself its for the sake of the children and in this case, it really is.

    1. Ladies, Jack’s post was long and a little meandering … but he was writing from the heart and that sometimes can get wordy. (Right, ladies? 🙂 ) As a husband and father, now grandfather (60 is the new 40), I can confirm everything Jack says. My first wife and mother of my children wonderfully reached out to love me sexually even when she was not in the mood. OMG – I cannot imagine what it would have been like if she had not done so. So many of my male friends had Jack’s situation — and those situations ended in affairs or divorce (or both).

      At first, a young father wants to help his wife by not asking for sex, and then is understanding when the few requests are postponed indefinitely. But that frustration builds up, and the unmet needs turn into resentment. (I know this from later personal experience to a degree, but a lot from friends who have confided.) Everybody knows this, really.

      Here’s the simple truth that every woman should know: we men married you for sex. That wasn’t the only thing, certainly not. But sex was always part of the deal. It must be, for us, part of the deal. Ladies, if you don’t want sex, or if you are willing to say “no” after having children, then you should not marry us.

      Imagine if we promised you that we would work hard, make decent money, stay faithful, pay the bills and have a little extra time and money for fun … and then two years after we’re married, we quit our jobs, go on welfare, live in a single wide mobile home, and watch the tube all day? You’d feel ripped off, right? And you would feel that way rightfully so. Or if we’re real nice during courting, but we turn insensitive and mean and maybe abusive after marriage. Ripped off, right? Not what you signed up for?

      Please understand – Jack and I say this lovingly — it is the same thing for us guys, when the women turn off sex.

      I do not believe in extra-marital sex — BUT — if my wife stops having sex, or more precisely, refuses even to allow me pleasure even if she isn’t in the mood forever — then I will likely seek outside fulfillment. She will have violated the deal in a fundamental way.

      Jack makes the point that a wife’s physical pleasure shared with the husband is doing something to support the FAMILY. He is 100% correct there. I can tell you that from personal knowledge as a child of a union where that support didn’t happen … and the damage done by divorce of my parents is huge and lingering to this day in us adult kids, believe it or not.

      Ladies, just some nice oral sex performed once a week, honestly, would be enough to keep most of us guys happy if you don’t want to physically involve yourself anymore than that. We’d be on top of the world and faithful and committed and happy to be with you and the kids forever. (If cleanliness is an issue, make it easy on yourself and request he fully shower first. I don’t know a one husband who would refuse that request.)

      Thank you, Jack, for speaking for so many husbands and fathers. Ladies, we do hear you, we understand what you are saying, and we honor that. But please work with us — it is for the sake of the children, too.

  9. I couldn’t even bring myself to read all of Jack’s reply because he’s taking all the things he should have said to his wife and putting in on some message board to fix all of us.

    No thanks.

    The only message partners should take from Jacks long-winded lecture is to talk to your partner more, because otherwise all their bitterness and resentment may come spewing out in a comment on a mothering site years later.

  10. Just to offer a males perspective (only if you care to hear one), I travel about 80%, 3-5 days almost every week. Work is stressful and I earn lots of $ so my wife has the ability to raise the kids and spend time with them. We survive on 1 income this way. I take the kids Saturday morning to give my wife some time and pay to have them in part time pre school so her life is less hectic. And somehow we still (seemingly) never have sex. Like once every 2-3 weeks now. And we are sub 35 with young kids. It’s super tough for me and I even get tempted to cheat or turn to porn because sexual intimacy is very important to me and most men I know. And as a Christian, this is an even bigger struggle and makes me feel resentful to my wife sometimes. Being told “no” or “not in the mood” or “too tired” all the time makes me question if there is romance left between us. And sudden “oh we better have sex because he flies out tomorrow” last minute when I have to get up at 4am is almost maddening after going several nights together with no interest before.

    Point is – I think this is a much bigger deal than the tired Mom sometimes understands. And men do need to do their part and support – not just dump it in Mom and then be selfish too

  11. I am a 31 year old wife and mother of a 3 year old. I agree with almost everything Jack said AND I am on the other side of the spectrum. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and it is I who can not keep up with his super hyper sex drive. We are children of the Most High God so my husband looks at masturbation as an unholy act and believes my body is just as much his as his body is mine. He is a wonderful and loving man whom I cherish. I desire to fulfill his needs but the past few years, even before our son was thought of, my drive has been almost nonexistant. I believe a healthy sex life is essential in a loving marriage. We don’t believe divorce is ever an option. If it was, we wouldn’t have promised each other and God to work together. I hate that most of these post are glorifying giving up on your marriage. Marriage will always bring complications and sometimes they feel bigger than you but the truth is that if GOD is first then you are putting each other first. There should be a DESIRE to love your husband’s the way they need to be loved. Just as much as He desires to fulfill your everyday needs. Communication is key! Talk about what is going on between the two of you. Make time to remember why you fell for this person in the first place. Get back to that place. It absolutely takes the both of you but if either isn’t willing or able , for that matter, to make compromises to help the other than the only thing left to do is carry more weight than the other through this place of life. Give all things to God and He will be faithful to bring forth fruit that shows a Godly marriage.
    I know that most of you will look at this post as a batty Bible roller but my journey with God has brought me much joy and pleasure in my life. Things I wasn’t comfortable speaking to my husband about has been revealed to him so that it took pressure off of me. Doors opened so that i wouldnt feel awful for telling him “no” about something important to him. NO marriage is perfect but all marriages are worth the effort. We need to learn to be open and honest with one another about needs not being met. Allow it to be a safe environment to release our expectations and fears. If we cannot connect emotionally then it is hard to connect physically.
    I struggle with my husband’s libido but his has never changed, unlike mine. He is a typical guy that thinks of sex seriously 95% of the day. His needs are food, sleep, and sex. Not even in that order. He wants sex twice a night EVERY night except the week of my monthly. It sounds incredibly high to me but that is probably normal. I love the fact he desires me but at the same time it is very easy for me to feel like a piece of meat. I feel like I have to “perform” for him in the bedroom instead of being his wife. It used to not bother me but as the years have gone by I’ve noticed how much it has changed me mentally. Resentment has been building inside me. I’ve voiced my concerns and we are working through it with God’s help but it us a major struggle in our household.

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