Ten Things You Will Totally Do When You Have Kids

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By Jill Vettel

Get ready to eat some humble pie. I like mine with whipped cream.

1.Talk about your kid incessantly

Yes you will. To family. To friends. On Facebook. Oh-so-much on Facebook. But only because your kid is way more adorable and smarter and more advanced than those other babies whose every babble and meal and toothless grin were documented for the world. Obviously.

2. Catch vomit in your hands

There is no reason for parents to develop this particular instinct. It does not make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse because now there is vomit on your child, their bed, the wall, and probably your hair and you can’t do a thing about because you are holding vomit in your cupped hands like an offering to the stomach virus gods. It does not placate them.

3. Talk about poop

Not only will you talk about it in great detail, but sometimes it makes you really, really happy. Proud, even. Everybody poops? Hell yes.

4. Sound like your mother

Her voice will burst forth from your lips like a demon possessing your soul, close the door! the demons will say, are you trying to heat the whole neighborhood? and then, stop making a mountain out of a molehill! And you will clamp your hands over your mouth and stare with horror but too late, you already know: she was right all along.

5. Regret saying “my child will never_”

In fact, go ahead and write down everything you ever said that began with that phrase. That way you know exactly what kind of cruel karma awaits you.

6. Change your entire life

You will not be the same person. Your life will not be the same. Just trust me on this one. But also? It’s a really, really good thing.

7. Handle it

All those thoughts of I could never deal with tantrums/illness/carpool/labor/poop/vomit/sleeplessness/listening to The Wiggles on constant repeat until I go just a little bit insane? You will. You kind of have to. You’re tougher than you think.

8. Constantly be running late

You will always be late. It will become your new state of being: perpetually running behind, never quite catching up. You will be the athsmatic kid wheezing through the end of the race. Oh you’ll get there. But it won’t be pretty.

9. Be a morning person

I’m kidding, you won’t. But you’ll be up at dawn anyway so may as well pretend. Isn’t the sunrise beautiful? Really, I’d like to know. I’m too busy staring blankly into my coffee cup; I have no idea.

10. Smile smugly and say, “it’s totally worth it.”

It totally is.

 

Jill Vettel is a writer and a stay at home mom of three in Durham, NC. Her favorite kind of pie is not humble, but key lime.

Image: M Glasgow


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14 thoughts on “Ten Things You Will Totally Do When You Have Kids”

  1. Haha. Oh so true so far, and mine is just 6 months old – but I’m fighting the constant talking about her and FB’ing about her.. and doing a pretty good job so far. :)

  2. I’ve got number 1 on the way and know that I’ve violated #5 too many times watching friends and families parent :) We’re in trouble haha

  3. Lol …well too the ones that’s this number and that number hasn’t happened to yet ….I have a 17 year old ,12 year old, most of that that didn’t happen to me …but now I have a 2 year old that all has happen then more ,just wait you’ll have that one kid …

  4. Bagged all 10 here. Number 11 is that I just realized that I am a wizard at my kids eyes…always have answer to their undying/repeating questions

  5. How can I not relate to this post. No. 4 just makes me laugh. I always thought that when getting mad at my kids. I feel like I sounded like my mother. Being a mother is a very stressful job but when we think of those things we’ve been through, we just laugh at it :)

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