Fellow parent warriors: can we all just agree that we're on the same team and treat each other that way?
Fellow parent warriors: can we all just agree that we're on the same team and treat each other that way?


I've made it nearly 12 years as a mother without encountering the momzilla. Rather, I had made it because now my streak has been broken.

It came out of nowhere. But, first, let me step back a bit and surmise how I'd been lucky enough to have avoided this phenomenon for so long. I'm a conflict avoider and though it's not always a good thing in personal relationships, on a superficially social level, I do my best to be a smiley, friendly, easy-going kind of gal.

I follow a live-and-let-live modus operandi. Your choices are yours, and mine are mine. Your kids are yours, and mine are mine. You parent your way, and I'll parent my way. At the end of the day, we're on the same team, raising humans who need to learn to find their own way in this world.

A couple of months ago, my son turned nine. He invited a few kids from his class and few friends from outside school. He was torn up over not being able to invite his entire class, but understood the budgetary restrictions and spent a very long time deliberating over his final list.

A few days before his party, I received a text from the mother (I'll call her Julia) of a boy in his class with whom he had played in the past. I'll call him Ben. She told me that Ben had overheard kids talking about the party and was so sad about not being invited that he was avoiding other social events too. She said she always asked Ben to be discreet about such things, and that she wished my son and the other boys had not let her son hear them talk about the party.

Related: Why You Should Let Your Child Fail

For me, who is adverse to conflict, my first instinct was to make things better. After getting my son's version of the story, I wrote back to Julie and suggested the four of us - the boys and us mothers - sit down so us adults could facilitate a conversation between the boys, helping them work through the disagreement, which had led to Ben not being invited to the party.

I'll spare you the long version, but what followed was a storm of texts from Julia about how I should have handled the situation. Apparently, we should have invited the entire class or, if we had to 'exclude' her son, I should have contacted all the other parents and told them to make sure their kid not mention the party, and my son should have known better than to let others talk about it. "Anyway, what's done is done! Nothing more to talk about! Smiley face."

I told her that I believed this wasn't about mean-spirited exclusion, but about the boys' underdeveloped communication and conflict resolution skills, and asked if she wanted to use this as an opportunity to teach them accountability for their role, and problem solving. I offered, again, to meet so we could have a productive conversation. Still, "No! Nothing to talk about! It's just so hard to see Ben being excluded this way, but he'll get over it. Have a great summer! Smiley face."

She proceeded to send several novella-length texts, some of them including descriptions of how torn up her son was.

End result: my son felt awful and there was now a cloud over his party. I felt awful, then irritated, and absolutely nothing positive came of it. I no longer wanted anything to do with her.

I know that Julia was doing her very best to be a good mom and to look out for her son, just like all of us. I believe that, ultimately, us parents are all on the same side. Even though we might not all agree on what it takes, we all want our kids to be happy. I'm nowhere close to being a perfect parent. Most days , it feels like a victory just to get my kids fed and watered.

As the only parent in my house, I don't even pretend I can do this job on my own. I am grateful for the help - mental, emotional, and physical - I get from my village. And, I rely on my friends to help me check myself. I am grateful for their honesty when they think I'm offside.

So, in that spirit, I've come up with a little guide on how to know if you're going all Momzilla or Dadzilla on someone.

You're Going Momzilla If:

1. You want to generate bad feelings in someone else.

Do you want your kid's teacher (or another parent) to they feel sad, guilty, inadequate, or ashamed? Do you want them to know that you are very upset, disappointed, and angry?

2. You have taken your negative first reaction to a situation, and have run with it.

You feel the mama/papa bear rising up inside of you and that is the feeling you are running with. You have not tried to step back and be objective. You have not paused to think the situation through or to empathize with the other side. If the other perspective is that of a child, you have forgotten that, and that our job as adults is to help guide them.

3. You have no positive outcome or goal in mind.

It does not matter to you if there are lessons for you or your child to learn and grow from. Your child can do no wrong, and so there is nothing here to learn. The only thing you care about is that the other kid/parent/teacher/coach learns their lesson - and that is not to mess with you or your kid.

4. You don't care if your child learns anything from this experience, as long as they feel okay.

Tyler didn't get invited to a birthday party and he's sad? It's your job as a parent to make sure your kid never has bad feelings. You will protect him. It doesn't matter to you if he learns how to work through his sadness or negative emotions, learns how to cope, become stronger, and resilient. You just want him to feel okay right now, and your job is to make that happen.

Related: How to Build Resilience in your Sensitive, Emotional Child

5. You are viewing someone else as an enemy.

You know for sure that the other parent has the worst of intentions and is a terrible parent who is raising a terrible child, and wants to hurt your child. They are completely aware of your perspective and are acting this way regardless. For this reason, there is no point in treating them with respect or facing this issue together. It's you vs. them.

6. Your behavior will likely mean you will not be able to face this person in the future in a friendly and respectful way.

Because you're going to be talking in an accusing and judgmental way, the other person is probably not going to like it very much, so there will be bad blood between you, making it pretty awkward on the playground and future birthday parties.

Have you answered 'yes' to 2 or more of these? There's a solid chance you're going Momzilla, buddy.

Take a moment and step back. Ask yourself what your goal is, what lessons you can learn and teach your child, and try taking on the issue WITH the other parent, not against, so your kids can learn from watching how you handle it.

Solidarity, fellow parents. We're on this crazy ride together.