Tough Decisions

By Colleen Lowe Smith


My mother has a friend who is psychic.  She called me recently to tell me she had a “reading” and that there was a message for me: there is a little boy wanting to come to me.  “Aw Mom, stop it!”  What I didn’t tell her, as the goosebumps rose, is that I’ve had several dreams of giving birth to a baby boy over the past months.


And I’m so sorry little boy, but I don’t want to be your mom.


ACK! How it kills me to say that! A year ago?  Yes, yes, there could have been room for that, yes, I’d always longed for more than one, a girl, a boy, how perfect!


I just turned 44 last week.  My husband will soon be 49.  I’m just starting to teach a new Montessori pre-school class a couple weeks from now.  Cassidy will be in the same school with me, down the hall in a different classroom, and will turn three in November.  We’re all set.  We’re making it all work financially; our home is just big enough right now.


When I was younger, I always wanted kids.  Plural.  More than one, maybe even more than two.  What I could not have predicted was how long it was going to take to find my husband.  I would have never predicted that I would have my first child at 41.


Infancy?  Toddlerhood?  Again?  I could do it, of course, of course I could.  But, and I never thought I would say this, I don’t want to.


Yesterday I drove by a house where a teen-aged boy dressed in a suit was outside, with, I presume, his mother.  And I definitely was hit with a PANG.  But still, my head involuntarily shakes, “no.”  


I grapple with the sadness of this choice, and I revel in the truth of my own knowing:  I am grateful for all that I have, and that all I have is enough.  Still, I find myself talking to my imaginary little boy:  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”


About Colleen Lowe Smith

Colleen Lowe Smith lived as a wanderer and Montessori pre-school teacher in ten different states and New Zealand before meeting her husband and landing in rural Massachusetts.  Together, they raise their two year old daughter.  She also has a 14 year old stepdaughter and 24 year old stepson.  Obsessed with higher education, Colleen has an BA in Studio Art, a MA in Interdisciplinary Studies (Human Studies), a MFA in Writing, as well as AMI certifications in Montessori education, and Psychosynthesis, a holistic form of psychotherapy.  She currently teaches at an awesome Montessori school where her daughter also attends.


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