Why is Breastfeeding So Very HARD for So Many of Us?

why is breastfeeding so hard?

When I meet with new moms, it’s amazing how often the topic becomes breastfeeding.

The struggles.

The constancy of it all.

The pain.

The infections.

The lack of sleep!

The shock that something so natural would be so dang difficult.

The cracking.

Latch?

Tongues? Who knew that tongues were so important?! (You can read more about tongue-tie and breastfeeding here.)

Many women – maybe even most – struggle with breastfeeding at some point. Why is breastfeeding so hard?!

Why is it that something as biologically normal as breastfeeding can be such a trial?

There are probably many answers to this question. It’s possible that modern birth practices that often include surgical birth, various medications, and separation of mom from her baby can cause problems with breastfeeding.

The impact of cesarean birth on breastfeeding is well documented. (Here are some tips for breastfeeding after cesarean.)

There is also research showing that medications like pitocin can increase jaundice in the newborn which can make baby lethargic and cause breastfeeding troubles as well.

Other studies have found that pain medication given in labor can have a negative impact on breastfeeding.

It’s also possible that separation of the mom from her baby during that “golden hour,” right after birth disrupts the mother/baby dyad when biology needs them to be together. (I certainly felt like the, “We need to weigh and clean your baby,” standard procedure caused problems with initiating breastfeeding with my first baby.)

Maybe modern medical procedures, while they can be lifesaving, can also disrupt breastfeeding.

Maybe breastfeeding is hard because we just forgot how to do it.

Breasts, as well as every other specifically female body part, are constantly questioned in their ability to actually function properly. It’s commonly believed that we women are created with some major flaws that can be improved upon with newfangled things like formula, toughening up, and disinfectant.

In the US, an entire generation of women pretty much avoided breastfeeding for man-made options considered superior. Maybe we have trouble with breastfeeding because there just aren’t enough of us who grew up watching breastfeeding and not enough of us who have older, wiser, women in our lives who can show us how it’s done.

I am sure all of these things contribute, but there is another thought that runs through my mind sometimes.

Maybe breastfeeding is supposed to be a little hard.

Maybe there is meant to be a learning curve.

Maybe there is value in learning the dance between us and our new baby as we navigate new breastfeeding, get to know each other’s cues, and figure out what works.

Is it possible that there is value in the hard days and the harder nights?

why is breastfeeding so hard?

What if the sacrifice and the tears that so often accompany the stages of breastfeeding have a purpose, a point?

I’m not saying breastfeeding should be suffering and that women should suffer at all costs. Believe me, I think that is absolutely false.

I have to admit though that I am grateful for my breastfeeding journeys and I’m OK now, looking back, with the difficulty.

I remember my first baby who was tired and jaundiced. I was recovering from a long labor. I remember sitting on my bed, holding my baby while we both cried and I tried to read in a book how to properly feed him.

I wasn’t suffering. It wasn’t terrible. But it wasn’t easy either and it was months before things were running smoothly and the entire journey involved learning. This was the same with all my four children.

I learned to give up a lot of myself for those babies.

I learned to sacrifice.

I learned to read a baby’s cues.

I learned to trust my instincts.

I learned to sit and be still.

Eventually I learned to trust myself and my body and my ability to do this mothering thing – but it didn’t happen overnight. 

I learned love through service and disappointment.

Now that first baby is quickly turning into a teenager and, let’s just say, it’s a good thing I learned to love him back then!

To all you moms out there struggling through some aspect of your nursing journey, whether it be latch issues, tongue tie, pain, lack of sleep, mastitis, biting, toddler pinching/scratching, nursing strikes, over or under production, or anything else – I am sorry. It genuinely SUCKS when something so “natural” is so, so hard.

It’s humbling.

It’s painful.

It’s crushing.

You are not alone.

Maybe another reason breastfeeding can be so hard is because women need each other but we can have a hard time reaching out. The struggles of early motherhood almost force us to reach out for help.

why is breastfeeding so hard?

When I go to moms’ groups I find women who never thought much of “support groups,” but suddenly realized they needed them when that screaming baby came along.

If you are struggling with breastfeeding, I want to say I’m sorry. I have experienced many of those struggles too, and I guarantee that millions of other women have suffered or struggled with you. You are not in this ship alone. There are many with and many who have gone before and who will come after.

Why is breastfeeding so hard? I can’t say I really know. But it often is and knowing you are not alone is one of the best helps on that crazy journey.

You may also enjoy: Many Moms May Have Been Taught to Breastfeed Incorrectly: Surprising New Research

Photo credits: U.S. Fotografie via Foter.com / CC BY-NDmoppet65535 via Foter.com / CC BY-SATareq Salahuddin via Foter.com / CC BY


8 thoughts on “Why is Breastfeeding So Very HARD for So Many of Us?”

  1. As an American lactation educator and breastfeeding support group facilitator for foreign and national families in Cambodia, I appreciated your article. Regularly I interact with women and families who struggle and I like your idea that it might just be a little hard to get the dance going. We always like to say that everyone is coming to the table with two left feet and the breastfeeding dance is about getting down the choreography that is best for now (because it does change as baby gets older – breastfeeding olympics, anyone?) However, this is true for a lot of things in life, but the difference is that breastfeeding is biological and I see women feel personally defeated all the time because they personally feel their biology is broken when it does not all work right away or when they have made decisions without feeling like they were fully informed (different pain meds can have different effects on initial let down). Tears, cups of tea and hugs are almost essential when I do home visits, but I have also been there and once the dance is moving it is pretty amazing to see mums and babes moving to their own beat. Thanks for this.

  2. I think it’s also we are so hard on ourselves. I’ve talked to so many women. Some women are eembarrassed to tell others they are not breastfeeding, others are embarrassed to say they are still breastfeeding at 2 and older. If a mom chooses to give formula they feel selfish. We need to give ourselves a break! Being a mom is tough work, we are amazing people! Go us!!!

  3. Lots of people try and give up too soon. I don’t feel there is enough support to help. Midwifes are so stretched they don’t always have time to help after birth. There needs to be more support before so women can make an informed choice. I have a 2 year old whom I fed for a year. I loved every second, she latched within 5 minutes of being born we never looked back. The smell with my 9 week old. I get so much joy from feeding. Yes it’s very tiring. Yes I miss sleep, but don’t all new mums? It’s easier and cheaper than making up bottles. It may take longer but you get to cuddle your baby for all that time, everything else can wait. Time goes so fast its nice to stop and give my children the time and comfort they need.

  4. Breastfeeding was SO hard for me when I lacked the correct resources to work through the many many issues that my baby and I had. Sometimes a LC just doesn’t cut it. Breastfeeding was a little less hard (but still incredibly so) the second time around when I was now in a world of midwives and alternative medicine with people who help surround me with the help and resources we needed to succeed (cranial sacral therapist, pediatric dentist, massage therapists, chiropractors). Breastfeeding was hard, but manageable and success in weeks (rather then months, or not at all), the third time around when I had the confidence that we could work through all the genetic and physical issues PLUS the fact that I was surrounded by women who had the knowledge to help both the baby and I work through our issues. It was also a game changer that I had become a great wealth of resource and knowledge as a result of the last two painful trials. I think all in all it’s about being equipped and surrounding yourself with women who have the experience and knowledge to help you – – even if that means helping you find MORE people to help work through issues if they are lacking the answers.

  5. I didn’t see the issue of male circumcision affecting breastfeeding. It does disrupt that bond in many cases. It might be a good idea to address that issue as it makes breastfeeding more challenging.

  6. I loved the article. I have tried breastfeeding my premature baby when he was born back in October and he ended up in care for quite a while. we had all sorts of issues 1. I couldn’t have time with him straight after birth, 2. I couldn’t get him to latch properly at first and then we managed to get him to but then next feed he would struggle, 3. yes we had support from midwives and lactation consultants, one I couldn’t fault but the hospital one I got annoyed with, with her constant pestering on my back 24/7 about power pumping as she liked to call it even when i was trying to help my son feed and it stressed me out (and going through special care didn’t help either) ,4. he had four weeks of breast milk and in the end I couldn’t keep up with the hospital demand and plus they were funny with me trying feeding on demand. so I ended up with low supply issues so I felt bad having to go over to formula as i was adamant about not going over to formula but i tried everything i could to keep up. it’s a mixture of things that can’t help and no matter how much support you can get, it can sometimes be too much to the point of stressful. I have also found that most may choose to use formula out of freedom for mums because I have found that breastfeeding has been made into something even harder because of women who would like to go back to work and issues around expressing and breastfeeding in public. boobs came before formula and no matter what you choose or how to feed your baby all that matters is the baby is fed, happy and healthy. so good job to women breastfeeding or formula feeding it still means we can still do a good job no matter what. plus life throws us challenges we have to find way through.

  7. I’m having so much trouble with it and wish I knew why it’s so hard for so many women, it doesn’t seem right that breastfeeding is such a finicky thing! I feel like I’m trying a hundred things, and the contradicting advice from pediatrician and lactation consultants and other moms is maddening. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. Currently with my 5 month old, first child, I am breastfeeding, formula feeding, pumped breastmilk bottle feeding, and solid feeding. He’s underweight, like off the WHO chart zero percentile. He doesn’t really look or act underweight though, he’s very active, alert, happy baby, reaching all his milestones early, but the pediatrician scares the crap out of me with the weight issue, and pushed formula on me very hard, even though I resisted and told her what I’d learned from LLL and kellymom site. I just want him to grow healthy and if Breastfeeding isn’t cutting it then I won’t deny him, there is a line when simply “fed is best”. If he was at least in the 5-10 percentile I probably would still exclusively Breastfeed against pedi advice since he’s doing so well otherwise. I’ve been trying so hard!! First my milk didn’t come in til the 5th day. I started pumping every 2 hours starting 18 hours after he was born, by my insistence, the hospital staff didn’t think I needed to yet. The hospital nurse gave him formula 24 hours after birth, broke my heart, because he was crying and she said he’s starving. I did have the first hour after birth with him but he didn’t latch. Then I mistakenly thought giving him a pacifier would teach him how to latch. It did, but then it was so strong and he’d clamp so hard it turned my nipples white, hurt me so bad I could only bare to have him latch for like a minute before I’d be in tears. If no one had told me the pain would go away in a couple weeks I would have quit. Once my milk came in I faded the formula out quickly and for the first 3 months I had no supply problems and froze extra, and at first baby was gaining so well the pediatrician said he was her Champion of the week and that we could relax on the feeding frequency a bit, but apparently that was a huge mistake because then at his 1 month appt he ended up losing weight, and pedi horrified me, made me cry, said my baby was starving and my milk must not be fatty enough and all this crap that contradicted everything else I learned, they pushed formula so I did it, with a very heavy heart, and I started eating a lot more avocados and walnuts and just packed on calories and went back to feeding him every hour and a half like I was before, which I think was the main problem, not the fat level of my milk. He gained within 2 days so I stopped the formula and kept up the frequency. Then at 6 weeks he got sick with RSV and his reaction was to nurse non-stop which picked up both his weight and my supply and after that things were going really well but still I was feeding him at least every hour and a half during the day and every 3 hours at night, which was what pedi recommended, but I also did on-demand style if he couldn’t wait for scheduled feed I would just feed him. Then my period came and there was some stressful things going on and my supply took a huge hit, which frustrated baby so he went on nursing strike right before his 4 month appt when they said he was off the chart in weight, then pedi scared me into at least topping him off with formula after every-other feeding. I told pedi that formula would just exasperate the nursing strike problem and that he has to nurse to get my supply back, a catch 22, and pedi said there’s a line when they’re too much underweight, that you have to supplement a low supply. So back to formula it was, and as expected I had to keep adding more formula as my supply dropped further. I started with 9oz formula per day (but in a month it’s gotten to 18 now). I got on fenugreek, mother’s milk tea, oatmeal, power pumping, also added more vitamins like calcium, magnesium, vit d, flaxseed oil, all on top of the postnatal multi vitamins, and made sure I was drinking 80-100oz water everyday. After two weeks I realized what could be part of the problem was that frequent daytime feeding meant he wasn’t napping. He’d go 10 hours without sleeping most days. I don’t know why pedi wouldn’t have caught this being that his feeding schedule was her idea. He was burning up all those calories not sleeping like that, especially how active he is. He is always waving his arms and kicking his legs like he’s hopped up on crack or something bahaha. So I started forcing naps, which I think made a huge difference. I started him on solids, baby cereal oatmeal, pureed avocado and squash, but really only to help him sleep, as pedi explained solids actually have less calories than breastmilk or formula, so it’s fed “in addition to”, not “in place of” a meal. I don’t wake him to feed anymore. I’m feeding him about 10 times a day, about 4oz each feed. It’s super hard to tell how much he gets when he nurses, but pumping and formula bottles give me a good guess what he’s eating. He’s starting to pudge up and feels heavier. I’m really hoping his 6 month appt proves he’s at least on the chart. But honestly my heart breaks 10 times a day because I feel like I can’t feed my son, like I’m so inadequate and if it weren’t for formula my baby would die of starvation because I’m not good enough, not woman enough, to feed him naturally. And I’m so tired. So very tired.

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