Hi, Mamas. How do you do it? Have small kids and preserve your sex life with your partner? I have to say that sharing custody with my children’s dad has taken that question out of my reality for the last few years. But right now, he’s away for two months, and I’m the full-time parent, 24-7. I remember how hard it was to feel sexy, act on sexy feelings, or even tap into that energy when an interruption was very likely.
I honestly think that a regular sex life erodes the kinds of resentments and moments of fuming that can pile up when all you do is wrangle kids, dishes, laundry, groceries, meals, chores, bills, repeat.
A mama who “gets some” from her partner is way more prone to overlooking the nitpicky things that can otherwise trigger her. It’s such a source of joy and even grace.
So I don’t have all the answers, but I have a few. Getting in the mood if you’re not already there–how do you do it? Alisa Bowman’s book and website, Project Happily Ever After, has some good tips for that.
Being curious about your partner–and having your partner be curious about you–is sexy. Why? Because when you first met, you WERE curious about each other. And you knew so little about that person. Learning more about them gives you new things to appreciate, knocks them out of the familiar box for a few minutes. After years of being together, you might feel like you know all there is to know about that person…but there’s always more to learn. Recently, at dinnertime, my family has been using Family Talk, from www.aroundthetablegames.com, to break out of our conversational ruts.
One question we took turns answering was “If your family members were dogs, what kinds of dogs would they be?” I saw my daughter as a poodle, but she did not resonate with that. She saw herself as a chihuahua-dachsund mix. When it was my partner Laura’s turn to say what kind of dog I was, she said, “I just don’t think of you as a dog. You’re more of a Persian cat.” That made me feel good. When I was in middle school, we had to write essays from the point of view of animals. I wrote from the point of view of a Persian cat, and it was probably my very first piece of writing that I was truly proud of. It was sweet to be mirrored that way. I learned more about everyone at the table that night, which brought us closer together, felt connect-y.
I think I might have gotten off on a bit of a tangent, but my point was…that it’s good to continue to be curious, to ask questions about your partner, and vice versa, because it jolts you out of autopilot and helps you to see that person as an individual, not just a member of your family tribe.
Moving on to the more grownups-only portion of today’s blog…because we mamas need to honor that part of ourselves too.
It might be a cliché, but I really love wearing lingerie. It gets me there! So when you have a sitter, or the kids are at a playdate, consider slipping into something more comfortable.
My favorite brands for mamas are
Cake Lingerie (which does nursing and maternity lingerie that also works postpartum)
HotMilk Lingerie: Her Enchanted Dreams nightie. NOTE: I have this nightie, and I rock it even though it’s “maternity.” It accommodates my poochy mama tummy. And–it looks great on full-figured gals, like myself. I know these photos show skinny chicks, but they’re what I have to work with, especially since I’m not bold enough to post a photo of myself in this number…
Parfait by Affinitas: their new line opens up sizes a bit: they go up to a size 2X and their bra line is 30D-40G.
Sassybax Pretty Thong Bodysuit. Why does is this thing magic? It works around your (nursing) bra. So many body shapers force you into a sausage casing from bust to knees. This one lets you use your own bra, streamlines the torso, and is saucily designed on the bottom.
Last but not least, it’s so good to move your body. Even if you can’t get to the gym, or away for a run, consider having a dance party in your house with your kids. I used to love to dance to Laurie Berkner’s Fruit Salad Salsa song. I just did a search on YouTube for Fruit Salad Salsa, and there are several home videos of wee ones dancing to that song, so I wasn’t the only one!
I’m off to Nia class–definitely a sexy yet gentle way to tap into your sensuality. Lots of hip rotations and even pelvic thrusts going on over there…it’s a great way to sink into enjoying your body without having to navigate anyone else’s needs.
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