As a new mother, I am concerned about toxic chemicals in my home, particularly in household cleaning and body care products. I use an all-natural detergent and diapers but was wondering what other sources of toxins I should replace?
Hi Naomi, My daughter is 2.5 years old. In the early days I use to say no to her for certain things. Most often the no was compassionate. I hardly ever say it now as I know how damaging it must be to hear. My problem is that she now says no a lot. Feels like some days everything is a battle... Getting dressed "no", change nappy "no", brush teeth "no". I wish I could reverse having ever said no in the beginning! Is there anything I can do to stop this pattern? Its making connecting hard! Many thanks
We have decided to home educate our son who is 4.5 years old. He is now very focussed on wanting to go to school, even though I have explained the reasons. We don't particularly socialise with school children, but he is bombarded with exciting images of school as he hears children playing in the school playground and strangers ask him excitedly if he is starting school when they ask how old he is. At 4 years old, I don't think he is capable of making such an important decision, but I am feeling uncomfortable with the idea that I am preventing him from doing something that is seen as so normal in this society. I also worry that his curiosity will never be satisfied until he has experienced it. At what age should I consider letting him make this decision? Thank you Jane (UK)
Hi Naomi, attending church is an important part of my life each week and from day one I have opted to keep my daughter with me in the service rather than checking her into the nursery. The older she gets (she is now 20 months) the more difficult it has become to get through the service, in fact, we almost always leave halfway through. My husband is a pastor at our church and very busy on Sundays so I don't have the option to pass her off or take turns, and my daughter is still very attached to me and does not like to be left with anyone else other than papa. Do you have any suggestions to make it easier for my daughter, or encouragement for me to stick with my convictions? I'm sure you can imagine that I receive a lot of unwelcome advice, everyone seems to think I should let her cry in the nursery or let them 'help' me by passing my daughter off to someone she is not comfortable with. Another thing people say is that by leaving halfway through I am teaching her that if she makes noise or wants to leave her seat to play that's all she has to do in order to go have fun. I don't want her to see that church is not fun, but a meaningful part of our life. I feel that how I handle this is crucial but I just can't figure it out. Thanks for any advice you can offer~
Hello Naomi, We cannot figure out what is going on with our 6 year old daughter. She is happy and playful during the day (homeschooled), but come night-time, when the whole family is getting ready for bed (family bed), she breaks down. Last night, she purposely went into a dark, rarely-used room by herself after I had told her I was going into our bedroom, and after a few minutes started crying and screaming "Mommy you are not in here". She was in such a state we couldn't even talk to her for over 45 min. What should we do?
i'm wondering if you could gives ideas about how to avoid the intensity of the 'mine, mine' phase i seem to see in children around the 2-3 year mark. is it just an inevitable part of the process of becomig a human being or is it just in our society that the obsession with 'me, mine, i' happens? Our son is only 13 months so we aren't there but I see so many toddlers obsessed with the word and action of 'mine' , and would to love try and soften or minimize that phase IF possible. thanks so much for your work...i am very grateful.
I often try not to speak for my children but sometimes, I catch myself doing it. For example, another child is clearly irritating mine and so I will say, "I think Katie is saying she doesn't want you to take her that from her". Should I just be letting it go and let the children work it out? It seems too young to work things out when both are 3-5yrs old. We spend time walking around the neighbourhood and bumping into others along the way so it isn't a lot of exposure but I want to know the best way to handle it.
Naomi, What is your opinion on choosing books with morals? We were given a few (Berestain Bears) and now my daughter acts out the "bad" characters. Is this therapy or should I have prevented it by not reading those books to her?
I sometimes wonder if I am doing too much "warning" to my child. For example, she wants to walk to the park with bare feet. I am okay with her having bare feet at home but walking all the way to the park with no shoes doesn't sit well with me. I am worried she will cut her foot on something. Should I warn her or just let it go? Or just bring the shoes along in case she changes her mind?
One of my son's daycare providers told me today that I am staying too long with my child when I drop him off and pick him up, which is confusing him and making it harder for him. I do not totally disagree with this argument, but it's not like he doesn't cry when I stay only for a short period. Perhaps he does think that I am staying for the day. Many days when I come to pick him up he is having fun and doesn't want to leave, so I stay there and play with him, sometime up to closing time (5pm). Other days he expresses his desire to go home after a short time and so we do. Again, the day care providers think this is inappropriate and confusing for my child. They stressed that it should not be his decision - that it is "the parent who decides." I think that letting a child take the lead (or deciding the course of some events) is OK when it does not harm anyone. Do you think that I am confusing my child by letting him decide when he leaves the day care? Or staying with him for 20-30 minutes in the morning?
Dear Naomi, While it is legal to homeschool in Belgium, unschoolers face a big pressure due to mandatory testing every two years (8,10, 12 year old etc) which make it harder to relax and follow the child's own passion and rythm (the sanction for failing the test being to have to go to school, ah ah). I've decided not to worry too much about it (my children are about 3 and 6) and I know the first tests should be OK at least for my older one, looking at her current interest in reading, but I realize that the older they get, the least likely it is that their interests will be the same as the mandatory curriculum... Any idea on this topic?
Dear Naomi, we've been unschooling our son (5) since birth. Lately I feel to use some homeschooling material/curriculum (Montessori, Waldorf or the like), not to set a rigid structure, but to get inspiration and offer possibilities. What do you think about that approach? Thanks!
Over the last 18 months we've moved back from overseas and moved house twice and had babies - twins no less. My son is very upset as you'd imagine. I have also changed from being an attached relaxed parent to being much more authoritative angry and shouting. I've been doing transactional analysis and that's helped, then I have been following your advice about letting him be his real self. It is getting better but I do slip up. I've found the more I let him express his true feelings, the angrier he is. I know this is good because it is him feeling safe, but he's bot happy showing me on a Teddy or telling me how he wants to hurt his sisters, he keeps trying to squash them, kick them. I cuddle him and take the girls away frOm his to respect his space but he stills seems hurt. Will this ease with time? It is very hard for me as I have to protect them too. He also is upset with his play school or friends as they often fight and I dont know whether to lessen times he sees other children, because it is hard to provide as much time and activity as he wants at home?
My question is, what is normal healthy child anger display like? My 5 year old child wanted to wear something to bed that was wet in the wash, and when I told her, she became angry. She told me I wasn't a good mum, she wanted to be away from me forever, she wanted to break me into pieces. I held her gently in my arms without her resisting as she told me this, used your 'salve' formula and lovingly patiently listened, tried to validate feelings, once did tell her quietly that those were hurtful words, as she repeated them many times. Uncertain how to empower, but she eventually came up with a story of placing all those feelings and words into a rocket and sent them into space, then fell asleep peacefully in my arms. I am hurt, shaken and uncertain. I try to be a kind, loving, attachment parent. If I would have said similar things to my parents as a child, I frankly would have been beaten. So I am uncertain what I am doing is right or that my child is okay, because I have no guide, except for experts such as yourself.
Hi Naomi, My husband and I are Danish and live in Denmark with our nearly 3 years old son and 6 months old daughter. Maternity leave here is 11 months after birth; then all children go to full time daycare and stay there until they proceed to school. We didn't want to do that with our son, and I have skipped my job to stay home with him. But the pressure is increasing from our surrounding environment, many people keep telling me how much fun and how many skills he misses out on by not being in daycare/preschool. I have loads of fun with him every day, and don't want this lifestyle to end, but I am torn inside by the difference between my heart and the cultural norms. Can you offer any guidance about how to stay true to your heart and keep your child home, when surrounded by people and norms that dictates childcare. Thanks.
My daughter got a stomach flu just before her first birthday. She went from trying everything and liking much to eating progressively less until now it's all expensive, organic takes on junky food: pizza, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese. She eats bagels, yogurt, cereal, fruit and chocolate. And that's about it. Frankly, her belly is bloated and I do fear for her health. I'm also running low on budget for the pricey brands she'll eat. And I'm so over making separate meals. She got a little brother at 19 months old and of course that didn't help matters, plus she has an extremely stubborn temperament and heightened sense of self and fear reaction to perceived threats... Such as carrots, no joke! But she's highly intelligent and feisty and I just want to help her little body. Any ideas for a gentle discipline or respectful way to unify our family eating?
You write a lot about clarity, guidance and control. I am having a hard time distinguishing between a clear parent who provides clarity and guidance and one who controls. For instance, why is having a bedtime control, but limiting TV programs guidance?
Is maternal anger ever warranted, and what would an authentic expression of it look like?
Hi Naomi, I am a mother of three, and your book has been the single most helpful tool to "freeing" myself of motherly rage, frustration and the attendant sadness and guilt. Long before I discovered attachment parenting, I married a husband who had no familiarity, much less comfort, with things like healthy eating, careful media consumption, etc., but who did appreciate the tenets of attachment parenting and who continues to be an amazingly loving father. I want to respect his autonomy and I want to also be a leader and not demanding. With the children, food and media are the main problem areas and these are the areas where he is not willing to budge. Suggestions?
Hi Naomi, my daughter is 22 months old and has been rubbing her bottom on my knee in a masturbatory way ever since she was 8 months old. Lately she has been doing it more often, using my knee or her dad's, the floor, or a toy or blanket on the floor. When she does it on my husband he calls me saying he is uncomfortable and I immediately bring her to me where she commences the humping motion. Sometimes she asks for privacy. She obviously finds it calming and soothing and will usually fall alseep or enter a deep relaxation state. My husband is worried that she might develop an addiction (as he saw something on TV to that effect). Is there something that we should be doing about her behavior?
choose his own direction. He is CONSTANTLY putting things in his mouth, which I know is totally normal and his way of experiencing and learning about the world. I just notice all of the times I stop him and take the small rock or stick or acorn from his mouth, and I feel bad limiting him in that way over and over. Sometimes he gets frustrated and flaps his arms or bites my finger when I'm getting something out of his mouth. I've baby-proofed the house so he pretty much has free reign inside, but recently he much prefers to be outside in nature! I let him chew on bigger sticks if there are no pieces he could swallow, and I only take something if it's inside his mouth(or almost there), since he often just feels whatever it is and then drops it again. I am just wondering if there is a way I could approach him that would still be a YES even though I am stopping him from doing something unsafe. Thank you!
I am a Stay at home mom to a wonderful 4 year old daughter. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant and I just found out that I am having twins. I am carrying monoamniotic twins, which is rare and very high risk. My perinatologist has warned me that I may be admitted to the hospital in a couple of months to remain on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. I have never been away from my daughter for more than a day and I am so worried about the possibility of being out of our home for weeks or maybe months. We live very close to the hospital and my mother and some dear friends have all offered to help take care of her since my husband will need to continue to work. I know that she will be able to visit me frequently but I am so worried. How do I prepare her for this and how do I help her to cope with her mom being gone?
I know you advocate child lead weaning but sometimes I just feel so "done". The days when my toddler asks for milkie all the time drives me nuts and it hurts. Why do you recommend to continue even when the toddler is so old and doesn't "need" it anymore? My toddler doesn't want to cuddle and wants milkie so she can sleep as well as all day long. If you tell me she needs it, I will believe you.
How is making music with a child different than doing other creative activities with them? What should a parent do if while creating their own work (painting, drawing, sculpting, crocheting, knitting, sewing, etc.) a child wants to help them or just work side by side doing the same thing?
Naomi, I have ready your post on withholding bowels and I am desperately trying to understand the balance of control and freedom for the child to develop self reliance. We now have our 2 year-old on a laxative, which I am not so keen on but felt it was necessary after trying everything else (except dealing with possible control issues). She is still nursing on demand both day as well as through the night. We are trying to encourage more fluids (1 cup of rice milk or water is the most I achieve). My physician suggests weaning so there is a feeling of hunger and then more food and fluid intake.
This is a lot, but my real concern is the possible control issue and the amount of food and liquid intake which is likely linked to control (she eats so little.) I think I am worried about taking charge in fear of creating a problem I don't really know where the devision is for freedom and control. Any advice you have would be great.
© 2012 Mothering Magazine. Powered by Huddler Families
Find us on facebook
Follow us
Subscribe to our RSS feed
Sign up for our newsletters