Past Questions

Dear Ellen, My sister in law lives in Michigan with her parents and is the mother of a three year old son. The father of the child and she were never married and he lives in California. He is mostly out of the picture except a couple times a year when he starts a campaign of wanting to see and know his son. It seems that he mainly does this in order to try and maintain a relationship with and control over my sister in law. He sends some money but is very unpredictable with money, communication and visits. I am hoping you can give us some direction on what boundaries we can set. In reccent past we have had her parents meet him with the child when he visits. This makes him very angry and he has threatened to go to court if she herself doesn't maintain a relationship with him and his parents. My dear sister in law is frightened that he may try to gain custody to spite her. He has a history of dishonesty and manipulation. My questions are what rights and obligations do both parties have? How can we establish and maintain order for the wellbeing of the mother and child? Does accepting or not accepting money from him change anything? Do you have any insight on what would happen if the courts were involved? Thank you very much for your time. Best wishes,

Oh, help! My husband and I have been having an ongoing argument about hygiene for nearly 3 years now, and I have reached my limit. The argument started when our son was a few months old. My husband wasn’t washing his hands after changing our son’s diaper, and then somehow I discovered my husband wasn’t washing his hands after his own bowel movements. I was really shocked and I confronted him the moment I became aware of what was happening. He was really defensive, and said that in third-world countries they use their hands, not toilet paper; he said the world does not revolve around me, and people have different ways of doing things. He did not think there was any health risk involved. And as our arguing continued, he complained to his family and friends that I had turned into a control freak, that I was stubbornly trying to manage his every action—without mentioning the specifics of why, of course. I knew if I brought up these particulars he’d be horribly embarrassed, so I never said anything, and in return I gained something of a reputation. Eventually he changed his habit for good when I discreetly (and without giving particulars) asked several of our friends what they thought about such hand-washing; but the argument lasted nearly 2 years until this change! I had hoped the issue was resolved, but something new has happened and I find myself in pretty much the same situation. My husband was relaxing in the bathtub the other night, trying to calm some sore muscles. Our 3-year-old was in the bathroom with him, and they were having a wonderful father-son chit-chat. Suddenly I overheard my son giggle, “Daddy! You just pee’d in the bathtub!” and my husband laughed back, “yes”. I waited to hear him drain the water, but a few minutes later he was still there, bathing in his own pee. I jumped into the bathroom and said, “What are you doing? Please don’t do this in front of our son!” He rolled his eyes—I was “at it again”. And when we fought about it later, again he came out with the “third-world people don’t use toilet paper, the world doesn’t revolve around you” argument. I love my husband, but this argument is making me miserable- and his hygiene is definitely a turn-off. We co-parent well in other areas, but this argument is driving me crazy. What on earth can I do?

My husband and I have had many parenting problems since the birth of our son who is two now. We do not agree on many things and I feel very strongly about certain things that I am unable to compromise. He did not support nursing after a year. He wanted to have him cry to sleep and our son is very strong willed and after two hours of crying at nine months I said enough. He is very strict with him and raises his voice regularly at him. Because he nurses at night still I choose to sleep with my son because my husband sleeps so light he does not want to cosleep. My husband is very angry and acts mean to me because of our different parenting styles. He regularly puts down my point of view. We got pregnant again and he said that if I did not abort he would divorce. I was very stupid and listened to him against my instincts. I would really like to know what you think.

I am writing because I am very saddened that my five year old step-daughter is being relocated to over 600 miles away where she has lived from birth. Her mother is moving there to be with her current boyfriend/fiance. My husband and I have tried to fight it but $10,000.00 later we have exhausted our resources and it just seems that the custody battle has been too hard on both children (we have a two year old daughter together). There is still a lot of anger towards her mother for taking her away from all she has ever known. My question is: I want the girls to have the closest relationship possible (being eight hours away). Please give me advice as to how to maintain their sibling relationship to the fullest extent. I guess it's worth noting that we'll have her for eight weeks every summer, ten days during Christmas, then days in the Spring, and whenever we can drive up to visit on the weekends. I'm afraid the girls (especially the two year old) will be really confused about why they aren't able to see each other all the time like they were before. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

My 3yo (will be 4 in 3 weeks) son began attending preschool every, Tues. and Thurs., a few weeks ago. He has been having difficulty saying goodbye to me in the morning and over the past few days it has escalated to him clinging to me and getting so upset that he almost throws up. I had been hanging in the entrance until he joined the group and got distracted, which seemed to work well. But after a couple weeks of this, he began to refuse to leave my side all together. He would get upset the night before, saying "i don't want to go to school..." and immediately when he would wake up in the morning. I tried to acknowledge and explore his feelings, "school's not fun because mommies aren't there...". The teacher and school are telling me to drop him off and immediately leave...the quicker the better. I'm told that he does calm down quickly after I leave. And I'm VERY confident that this is a safe, warm environment for him. I just don't feel comfortable leaving him while he is in such a panic. He has always been slow to warm up, sensitive, intuitive, and cautious and the "cold turkey" method doesn't seem to fit him. I've never used this method with him in any other area or time in his life thus far. How should I handle this?

The father of my two children and I have yet to live together as a family (our oldest will be four soon, my daughter just turned two.) My children and I have lived with my parents all their lives, with weekend visits with their dad. Financial reasons have kept us apart. He left after Christmas to pursue work with his father in a different state very far away from us. We have seen him three times this year. I told him we would try it out there with him, but am not keen on moving so far away. When I tell my son we will be leaving to live with daddy soon, he gets angry and tells me he wants to live with me, "baby" and Grandma and Grandpa in their house. We visited their father back in April so they know we have to get on a plane to get there.

My son's father and I have recently separated although we were never married. My son is almost two and a half and is seeming to have a difficult time, understandably, with the change. I have never seen him crying so wildly and for so long. He is also being extremely oppositional at this time. For example, if I ask him to put on his coat he will take off his shirt. I understand that this is him wanting to have more control over his life because everything is so confusing for him and I have thus been choosing my battles. But some rules cannot be bent, for his own well-being. I have not had much help from his father since I've moved. Once my son's father gets settles in to his new place and we can start a routine I know things will improve at least a little. What should I do in the meantime to help my son feel more secure? Also, I do not normally yell at my child but I have lost my patience and done so a couple times this week. I have felt so overwhelmed in trying to calm him and keep my new neighbors in the apartment from being continually disturbed and deal with the grieving of my failed five year relationship. Any advice on how to handle the situation where I have yelled or feel like I am going to yell? I am not mad at my son, of course. I am extremely stressed and I want to keep it together because he needs me to help him get through this transition.

I have an interesting situation. I am the nanny for a couple that is getting a divorce, and their son is 23-months-old. I have been working for them for two months, and in the last few weeks, each morning when his mother gets ready to leave for work, Marcus, their son, throws a fit and looks at me as if I am terrible toward him, which is putting questions into his mother's mind. He doesn't act this way when his father is leaving—only his mother. I don't know what to do because nothing bad has ever happened between Marcus and me for him to behave this way. Help!