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It’s safe to say that the No. 1 worry for most pregnant women is pain during labor. Secretly, you ask yourself, “Will I be able to handle it?” But it’s hard to know if you’ll be able to handle something you’ve never experienced before, especially when the cultural messages about birth in the US do not inspire confidence.

It’s understandable that you might be afraid of the unknown, but your experience of pain in labor may be more within your control than you realize. The amount of pain you feel during labor is affected by your perceptions of pain in general, and your beliefs about pregnancy and birth in particular. A supportive environment during pregnancy can help you to change these perceptions so that you feel more ready for a natural birth, which is, by definition, drug-free.

But what is labor pain like, anyway? Its nature is so couched in mystery and overdramatized by the media that you’re probably terrified of it. Pain in labor is the result of the dilation of the lower, narrow portion of the uterus, called the cervix, which must open to a diameter of 10 centimeters in order to allow the baby to pass through. In labor, the job of the cervix is to stretch from an opening the size of the tip of your nose to an opening the size of a circle drawn on the palm of your hand. No wonder you feel a stinging sensation as this is happening.

This dilation of the cervix happens gradually and rhythmically. During a natural childbirth, the contractions that stretch the cervix last for only 45 to 90 seconds, and peak in intensity at about 30 seconds. There are breaks between contractions during which there is no pain at all. The reason you can have confidence in your ability to handle these contractions is because of their very rhythmic nature. You have to handle only one at a time!

Pain in labor is not like the pain from an injury—persistent, constant pain that requires attention. Tooth pain, for example, is throbbing and relentless. You have to get to the dentist. Unlike tooth pain, pain in labor lets up. It is not aching but stretching. A toothache hurts; labor stings.

If you’ve ever had a massage, particularly a Rolfing session, you may have experienced what it feels like when a knot in a tight muscle is smoothed out by the strong pressure of someone’s fingers. There is a distinct stinging sensation, depending on the degree of pressure. You squirm from the stinging, but you can handle it. You can handle it because the practitioner tells you to breathe with it, and because it’s over quickly. It’s the same during labor: The pain is manageable because it doesn’t suddenly begin as a gripping pain at full intensity. It generally starts as a mild tightening that slowly builds, in strength and intensity, to a burning sensation. The contractions come in waves.

Although I can give you a general description of labor pains, no two women experience it in exactly the same way. In fact, the perception of pain in labor is uniquely subjective. In one study, a group of pregnant American women were compared with a similar group of women from the Netherlands. Each woman was given the same information beforehand about the risks of pain medication during labor. Only about 33 percent of the Dutch women asked for pain medication during labor, while 83 percent of the US women did. Forty-eight hours after birth, the American women noted that they had generally anticipated a painful birth and the need for drugs, whereas the Dutch women had anticipated less pain, and thus less likelihood 
of the need for drugs.

This study tells us a lot about how our expectations can affect our experience of labor. We are affected not only by our expectations about what birth will be like, but also by the perceptions and beliefs about birth we have inherited from family and culture. You can examine your own perceptions and beliefs about pregnancy and birth by asking yourself the questions in the box on this page.

Perhaps the most important factor in reducing your perception of pain in labor is to reduce your experience of stress. One important way to reduce your stress is to have the companionship of another woman during labor. A number of well-designed studies show that continuous labor support is one of the most effective methods for reducing pain in labor. One study reported a 30 percent reduction in requests for pain medication among women who used a doula for labor support. Clearly, you’ll be less likely to want drugs if you don’t feel alone.

Women who take childbirth-education classes also tend to request less pain medication. Most such classes teach breathing techniques, the purpose of which is to give you something other than the pain to focus on during the contractions and to help you stay in the moment. Practicing meditation is another way to learn to be in the moment, and can help prepare you to take labor contractions one at a time.

During labor, there are many things you can do to soothe the discomfort of the dilation of the cervix. You may enjoy a shower or bath in early labor, or a birthing tub as labor progresses. You can ask your partner to use the tips of the fingers to lightly and rhythmically stroke the bare skin of your abdomen, back, or thighs. This will help you to relax and focus. Massaging the inner thighs, buttocks, or lower back can also help to relieve pressure during labor.

Scent is another natural labor soother. Some essential oils are relaxing, and reduce sensations of pain by increasing the production of endorphins, the body’s natural pain relievers. Examples are lavender, chamomile, sweet geranium, jasmine, neroli, rosewood, lemon balm, mandarin, and cedarwood. Try them during pregnancy and choose ones that appeal to you.

One of the most important ways to relieve discomfort during labor is to change positions. Get off your back. Birthing upright can make labor shorter and less painful. Alternate among sitting, standing, and squatting; squatting can widen the pelvic outlet by 25 percent. Walk around during early labor. Get up on your hands and knees during contractions.

A number of acupressure points can also afford pain relief. In China, acupuncture is used instead of epidural anesthesia in 98 percent of births. The homeopathic remedy arnica, indicated for sore muscles, can be used effectively during labor. The herbs skullcap and catnip relieve pain, and calm and relax the body. Chamomile tea helps to control pain by relieving tension. Nutritional supplements such as calcium, vitamin E, essential fatty acids, and magnesium can ease labor discomfort. Ask your birth attendant for herbal, homeopathic, and nutritional recommendations specifically for you.

If it isn’t obvious by now, pain in labor is intensified by fear and tension. Tension can be the result of poor expectations regarding birth, and you can become fearful when you feel disturbed during childbirth. Childbirth is an involuntary process, and no one can help an involuntary process. The point is not to disturb it.

If you feel disturbed during your labor you will produce adrenaline, which slows the production of the hormones of labor: Your body, assuming you are in trouble, prepares to stop labor, and start again at a more opportune time. The uterus is the only muscle in the body that contains two opposing muscle groups: one to contract and open the cervix during labor, and another to close and tighten the cervix to stop labor. If your body produces adrenaline at the same time that your uterus is contracting, you will feel more pain.

If, on the other hand, you are undisturbed during birth, your body will release a cocktail of chemicals that will alleviate pain, give you an ecstatic rush after childbirth, make your baby irresistible to you, and help your breastmilk to let down. This cocktail is one of the many benefits of drug-free birth.

Drugs in labor unequivocally disturb the labor process. The cocktail of local anesthetics used for epidural blocks can cause varying degrees of maternal, fetal, and neonatal toxicity, according to the Physicians’ Desk Reference. While the efficiency of pain-relief methods during labor has been studied more than any other medical aspect of pregnancy, the adverse effects of these drugs on mother and baby have hardly been studied at all. We do know, however, that while the placenta reduces the effects on the baby of drugs given the mother, about 70 percent of any medication given the mother does reach the baby.

Narcotic analgesics such as Demerol, Nubain, and Stadol slow the baby’s heart rate and affect her respiratory system while she’s still in the womb, and, if given too close to birth, can also affect her breathing after birth. Babies of mothers who receive such narcotics show general sluggishness and sometimes have trouble in the early days. Remnants of the narcotics stay in the baby’s bloodstream for weeks. Long-term consequences of narcotics on the baby’s health are unknown, although a well-designed case-control study in Stockholm showed an increased risk of drug addiction among children exposed to pain-relieving drugs during labor.

I know you’re afraid of the pain of childbirth. I was too. We all are. Even after I’d had my first child, I always dreaded it. But the pain was never bad enough to make me want to stop having babies. I handled it.

It’s something you, too, can handle. Don’t let others underestimate you, and don’t underestimate yourself. You can’t expect yourself to know everything, especially if this pregnancy is your first. Find another woman in your area who has experienced drug-free birth and ask her to be your guide. Allow yourself to be supported and nurtured during your pregnancy. Model your pregnancy after the pregnancies of those who have had successful natural births. Find a practitioner who has lots of experience with drug-free birth and who believes in you. Believe in yourself. Your baby does.

Pregnancy and Birth

A look at your own perceptions and beliefs

1. What do you believe about your own birth?
2. What does your mother believe about your birth?
3. How would the women in your family complete this statement: “The women in our family are _______.”?
4. How would the women in your family complete this statement: “Childbirth is _______.”?
5. What do you believe about sex?
6. What do you believe about 
pregnancy?
7. What have friends told you about pregnancy and birth?
8. What three words do you associate with pain?
9. What are your three most secret thoughts about childbirth?
10. What do you fear most?

A Quiet Place Archives

CareerBuilder announces: The number of guys who'd consider becoming stay-at-home dads has dropped from 49 percent in 2005 to 31 percent this year. This is based on a survey of 800 working fathers.

How can we reconcile that number with the staggering number of Father's Day stories about laid-off fathers becoming stay-at-home dads, or the rising visibility of caregiving fathers in our culture?

That's easy: We are now in the midst of an all-hands-on-deck economic emergency. Even employed parents feel under the gun at work, and many are facing furloughs, salary cuts, and benefits reductions. In that kind of situation, every able-bodied adult in every family needs to think about how he or she might contribute to the family's income, not to mention health care coverage.

That includes my family, by the way: I'm being laid off as senior editor of Greater Good magazine and my wife's employment situation has been rocky for awhile now. Am I going to go back to being a stay-at-home dad? I loved taking care of my son and would welcome the opportunity to do so again, but we as a unit can't afford voluntary stay-at-home parenthood. Not right now.

And so, based on that perspective, I have a prediction: Over the course of the next few years, we're going to see more involuntary stay-at-home dads--those created by layoffs--and fewer voluntary stay-at-home dads.

Here's the important thing: During the Great Depression, unemployment would destroy men. They were told that money was all they had to contribute to their families; if employment vanished, they saw themselves as worthless. They couldn't become "stay-at-home dads" because that role did not exist. Few mothers worked and fewer earned enough to support families. Today, most moms work and we can say to unemployed fathers: you still have value to your family, they need for you to see to their well-being.

That's a message that a decade's worth of voluntary stay-at-home dads can send to today's laid-off dads. That's something men need to hear right now, that they can play caregiving as well as breadwinning roles in their families.

While there are very few baby-friendly hospitals compared to the total number in the world, whenever one more hospital gets its baby-friendly status, it's time to celebrate. 

St. Joseph Hospital in Orange County, California recently received it's baby-friendly distinction from UNICEF and the World Health Organization. I applaud their efforts to provide a healthy start to Orange county moms and their babies. In fact, four other hospitals and birth centers also received their baby-friendly honor recently. You can see a full list of baby-friednly hospitals and birth centers at www.babyfriendlyusa.org/eng/03.html

You would think that all hospitals would be baby-friendly. It's only logical. But there are decades old behaviors that are hard to overcome without a detailed plan, dedicated people and a concerted effort. 

Take, for instance, the picture below from a hospital in 1942.

It is formula for the babies in the nursery at the Cairns General Hospital at the FSA (Farm Security Administration) farm workers' community. Eleven Mile Corner, Arizona.

Also, take into consideration this photo from November 1942.

Nurse training. Just as they take biology and chemistry, students of nursing "take babies" as the young nurses say. Here Susan learns how to give a baby one of his first meals.

While these photos are over fifty years old, they are still quite relevant today. It's hard to stop a horse when it's already out the barn. But there are those out there who are trying to do what's in the best interest of the baby by touting and recommending the many and varied benefits of breastfeeding. 

Let's just hope more hospitals and birth centers seek their baby-friendly distinction as well, no matter how difficult it may be or how impractical it may seem. 

Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, FSA-OWI Collection, [reproduction number, LC-USF34-071909-D DLC] 

Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, FSA-OWI Collection, [reproduction number, LC-USE6-D-006949 DLC] 

Just wanting to give a shout-out to our webmama, Cynthia Mosher, who has done an amazing job of heading up the migration of the old Mothering web site to our new and improved home.

Cynthia, who lives in Saudi Arabia, seemingly never sleeps, is available for us at all hours (of her day and ours, even though she's ten hours ahead of us). She's always there, patient and good-humored. She seems to know how to fix anything that could possibly go wrong online and manages to make me laugh on a regular basis, even when she's under a ridiculous amount of stress—as she often is. We'd be lost without her.

Kudos, Cynthia, for all you do! Thumbs up on a job well done!

Photo: I was out of town when Cynthia came to Santa Fe in 2007 to meet with the MotheringDotCommunity board administrators. Since I couldn't be there to meet her but wanted her to feel welcome, I left a cutout of myself in my chair with a speech bubble that said "Hi, Cynthia!" She shot this photo and left it for me to discover upon my return.

In the early to mid twentieth century there was constant conflicting medical advice about how a mother should feed her baby. At least now every major medical association (to my knowledge) recognizes that breast is best. But back then, the advice was not as cut and dry. Above is a WPA (Work Projects Administration) poster encouraging mothers to breastfeed. It was distributed in New York and created in 1938.

However, as the below poster reveals, other agencies and states had another agenda entirely. This is a poster from the Cleveland Division of Health and FDA promoting milk, showing a large bottle of milk next to couples smiling, playing golf, tennis, and two babies. It was distributed in Ohio and was also a part of the WPA Art Program, 1940. 

"The subhead of 'Mr. Big Gets Downsized' reads: 'What happens when the breadwinner is toast? Chris Noth plays Mr. Mom, while Milla Jovovich leaves him with the crumbs.' And so begins a role-reversal-ish photo shoot, in which the man is left at home to watch the rugrats while the woman is all business. Just like in The Hangover, it's supposedly instant comedy to see a man with a baby, as though men never parent and are as comfortable with kids as they are with, say, fainting goats."

When Opting Out isn't an Option: "Examining the lives of privileged women and their work-life choices is certainly much sexier and more controversial than telling the stories of the majority of working women in this country. After all, most women must balance work with caregiving. They don't have the option of opting out. Where's the debate in that?"

Helping Breadwinners When It Can't Wait: "In a nation where the vast majority of families now have no one at home to provide care, workers need paid time off from work to care for one another. Our current system of family and medical leave is unpaid, and even that is not inclusive and leaves out many of the hard-working families who need these benefits the most... It is patently unfair for some mothers and fathers to have to take unpaid leave or fear for their jobs to care for a newborn or take care of seriously ill children or parents—or even worse be unable to take that leave because their bosses just say no."

Two Senators Try to Give Working Parents Relief on Child Care Costs: "Under current tax law, many parents can get a tax credit for a portion of their child care costs. The problem is the portion is capped at $3,000. As MomsRising points out today, who pays $3,000 a year for good child care?"

Paternity Leave: "I have to admit, I also felt a little bit insecure about the whole idea of paternity leave. I think there's a lot to the notion that, in our culture, men derive a great deal of psychological satisfaction from going to work every day. Being out and about, running errands, with or without my son, in the middle of day made me feel a little bit strange and somewhat marginal... I'm not particularly proud of that, but there it is."

The next four links are related to the release of my book The Daddy Shift:

The Daddy Identity Crisis: "I wish we as a culture were better at rituals; it would be good to have a ritual of some kind that would mark this passage, from reliance on mom’s body to ramping up dad’s care. As things are in most families, I think it really comes down to Mom, at a certain point, being able to give the baby to her partner and then just… walk away."

Hands On Dads Handle Stress Better: "Job loss is traumatic. So is financial anxiety. But hands-on fathers who can juggle bath-time, playground jaunts and laundry duty are better equipped to deal with those than earlier generations of men, says the author of a new book on fatherhood."

Of fathers, mothers and parenting, and why I choose not to be completely useless: "Fathers are changing the nature of families. I don’t give fathers any particular credit for this. I just maintain that it is true. Fathers are stepping up, and as they do their partners are stepping aside and letting them in. I have watched these changes in my own life and in my own evolution as a father, and in families around me. The change isn’t universal. It is a work in progress."

No Child Left Behind = All Boys Left Behind: "I have great faith that having more men at home can help bring that critical masculine energy back into the nucleus of the family- there may be more sword fighting, squirt guns, and more hours of farting than flash cards. If boys can be empowered by men at home, ideally their ability to perform in school will increase. If more men are paying attention to how their sons are being taught and the obvious deficits they are facing, motivation will occur to take action and address their specific needs."

I am so excited this morning because I learned something brand new about American history!

As I have been searching through countless photographs on the Library of Congress Web site I keep coming across unfamiliar late nineteenth, early twentieth century photo cards with two of the exact image right beside each other. I knew absolutely nothing about them until today.

They're called stereographs and they were the precursor to the modern day View Master. Here's one called "Baby's Happy Hour" (1) from 1898.

It was photographed and sold by Griffith & Griffith, an early photography company out of Philadelphia. Families would pop their cards into the stereoscope and get a 3-D version of the image. It was great entertainment then, but Constance B. Schultz, a history professor at the University of South Carolina, teaches that these stereographs painted a very narrow view of women. (Quelle surprise!)

"Stereographs were used as a widespread vehicle to transport cultural and domestic ideas. They reflected and reinforced both positive and negative stereotypes about the roles and purposes of women."

Schultz adds the stereographs were intended to either depict women as matronly (above) or comical in nature like this one called "A Chip Off the Old Block" (2) which shows a man and baby drinking from the bottle. It was sold by the Standard Scenic Company in 1906.

1. Copyright: Griffith & Griffith
2. Copyright: Standard Scenic Co.

You know how there's this voice in your head that sometimes says things like "GO back into the house right now and put on a slip!" or "SMILE at the grouchy waiter—he's having a bad day". . .? That voice of instruction/barometer of appropriateness, your own internal dialogue of "thou shalts" . . . your mom's voice?*

Well, I hear the mom voice, too, of course. Who doesn't? But when it comes to design, I hear an altogether different voice: that of Robin Williams. (Yes, THE Robin Williams,** and, no, not the actor!)

I had the good fortune to take a class on typography from Robin in 1997 and have not been the same since. (For lots of reasons, which I'd love to talk about, including the fact that she's now a very dear friend, but because I'm under deadline and not really supposed to be doing anything but layout, I'll have to elaborate later.)

One of Robin's better known maxims regarding design—one that has appeared in her design books—is "Don't be a wimp." I hear that one quite often.

But the phrase I hear at least once a day is something Robin said repeatedly in class: "Trust your eyes . . . . You know what you're doing. Just look!" Many, many times over the past 12 years, that reassuring call to be present and trust myself has helped me over a creative hurdle and on to the next challenge.

OK. As Robin often says, "Anon!" Back to layout!

More about Robin later. . .

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*We included one of Mothering publisher and editor-in-chief Peggy O'Mara's bits of wisdom along these lines in our 2009 calendar: "The way we talk to our children becomes the inner voice they hear." (Kind of makes you think twice, doesn't it?)

**Macintosh computer users around the world practically worship Robin for her witty, easy-to-understand tomes on all things Mac, but she's also written brilliant books on design, typography, font management, podcasting, web design, and . . . and an in-depth look at a surprising candidate for the authorship of the works of William Shakespeare.

Image scanned from one of Robin's 50+ books, Beyond the Mac Is Not a Typewriter (1996). Part of what I love about Robin's books—besides the fun, sassy tone—is the wackiness of the examples she uses. Who knew learning could be such silly fun?

Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. # # # # #

I've found myself complaining a lot this year about how "kids today" don't seem to know how to write email—let alone old-fashioned pen- or typewriter-to paper letters—but seem to communicate using instant messenger-type programs or social networking sites like Facebook or MySpace. With Reeve in Scotland, this has come especially clear to me: he just won't write—email messages or letters. At least not to Tim and me.

But now I may be changing my tune. The last few days, I've had several occasions where I wasn't able to talk to Reeve via Skype or on the phone, but, needing to make sure he was OK, sent him short text messages via Skype's chat function. In each case, he responded immediately, and these "chats" evolved into delightful discussions of a variety of topics, including critiques of YouTube performances we watched "together" (5,000 miles apart) as well as intellectual commentary on other shared informative links (like, well . . . Engrish.com, OK?).

In trying to relay the gist of these "chats" to Tim, I realized that I had the words right in front of me and could share what was said, verbatim. So this new (for me) way of communicating, this amalgam of letter-writing and talking on the phone has the added benefit of coming with a transcript! Something I can print out and sentimentally stash away, along with Reeve's childhood drawings, cards, and notes from camp. . .

Above: a snippet from a discussion Reeve and I had yesterday regarding a piece of music he's working on.

Mothering staffers gathered yesterday for a baby shower for Simone Snyder (who among other crucial things manages ad traffic for us), due in a couple of weeks.

We'll be posting a slide show of the shower on Mothering.com soon, but in the meantime, that's us in Marketing Director Elizabeth Carovillano's back yard.

Left to right, back row: Jennifer Bartlit, Lally McMahon, Simone Snyder, Peggy O'Mara, Kristina Morris-Heredia. Kneeling: Elizabeth Carovillano, Melyssa Holik, me.

Snapshot. There's a word you don't here much any more. Or at least, not in the one-time sense of "a cheap and quick photo taken with a cheap and quick point-and-shoot camera." Like the sublimely named Kodak INSTAMATIC.

They sure don't name them like they used to. How could you not feel hipster-cool carrying around an INSTAMATIC? (And just look at it!) (Photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

Anyway. Don't get me started on old cameras. My original intent was to upload a snapshot I surreptitiously grabbed earlier today with my cell phone—the Instamatic of our times.

I walked by staff photographer/super designer/web production  expert/Photoshop wiz Melyssa Holik's desk and saw her busy at work, after a trip this morning to the eye doctor's office where they dilated her eyes.

Nothing stops Mel.

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Reeve is going to a birthday party tonight where everyone is supposed to dress as a Disney character.

He Skyped me from his dorm room in Glasgow as he was putting together his outfit for the evening: top hat, vest, jacket w/tails, upturned starched collar, umbrella, white (exfoliating) ("Whoa! These are cool!") gloves, and . . . powder-blue Puma running shoes?

A cricket's gotta be able to jump, I guess.

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Screen shot of Jiminy holding up his foot to try to show me his swift blue shoes.

. . . and mailboxes and computer screens this week: our May-June 2009 issue. Here’s a sneak peek at the cover.

The new issue has all kinds of good stuff, including Peggy O’Mara’s beautifully put-together response (and final word, in my  opinion!) to the recent Atlantic Monthly article by Hanna Rosin, “The Case Against Breastfeeding.” A text-only, online version of Peggy’s editorial is here.

And I’m particularly excited about the stunning photos we’re running in Lauren Lindsey Porter’s article on attachment parenting—”ooh factor” all over the place! More on that later. . .

In my line of work, I see a lot of baby pictures. As you can imagine. (No. Belay that. I'm not sure you can imagine . . . we're talking LOTS of baby pictures. Babies nursing, babies sleeping, crying, crawling. Cover babies, messy babies, funny babies, happy babies. . .)

Occasionally, I come across a photo where there's no denying that the baby in question is related to the mom or dad or sibling in the photo. Maybe it's an obvious physical trait, like coloring or body type, or a distinctive facial feature, like the dark eyebrows my husband and son both have—but often it's more indefinable. A mannerism or idiosyncrasy, angle of posture, gleam in eye or tilt of head . . . caught by the camera. (Photo at right of my son, Reeve, at age three, and my brother, Grant—demonstrating an uncannily similar method of mocking the photographer. Genes?)

I find this very moving. It's as if our genes are doing the familial claiming for us, whether we will it or no, or are aware of it or not. And the camera is usually pretty insistent on pointing out the genetic connection.

Anyway, this came home to me the other day—along with the realization that this "genetic claiming" or resemblance among family members can also be seen in photos of the same individual across time.

I was going through some old photos and happened upon one, taken about 40 years ago, in which my sister, Cathy, and I are dancing. I was immediately struck by how much, in the photo, Cathy at age 6 looks like her son Ian. But I was even more struck by how much, in the photo, I at age 7 look like . . . me. See for yourself. (Top photo was taken in December 2008. Bottom photo, December 1968. That's me on the right in both cases.)

I know, I know. A long, roundabout way of stating the obvious. We look like our families; we look like ourselves. Still, it's kind of fun to see it laid out so plainly via the medium of photography.

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PS And a really weird thing about this is that between the taking of these two photos, I had at least ten years of training in dance. Sure wouldn't know it from these pics. (Don't tell my mom. . .)

1. Violent feelings are natural, and have an evolutionary basis 2. Measured in terms of the number of acts, childhood is the most violent period of human life; as they grow humans learn to avoid violence 3. It’s an empirical fact that the vast majority of mature humans avoid real-world violence at all costs 4. A minority of humans do act violently; thus sooner or later, we are all confronted with violence 5. Imaginary violence is not the same thing as real-world violence, but it is a form of preparation for the real thing

6. All children, boys and girls alike, need physical play 7. For young children, violent play is a form of physical play 8. Violent play exists because it is a way of dramatizing conflict and learning to control violent feelings; this is how we prepare to confront real-world violence 9. Teaching children to repress violent feelings (and violent play) is not the same thing as teaching them to control those feelings 10. Violent and scary play is a way of confronting scary things and learning about conflict in a controlled, fantasy way 11. Adults often seek to repress violent childplay because they cannot control real-life violence; thus, adults teaching children to conceal violent feelings or play is itself a kind of escapist fantasy: If we don't see the expression of violence, we imagine that it does not exist. This is a comfort; it's also delusional.

12. If we behave violently, so will our children; thus we adults should never, ever be violent, except in the most extreme circumstances 13. Imposing rules and limitations on violent play without repressing it helps children learn to control the expression of real-world violence; it also helps demarcate imaginary and real-world violence 14. But the real key to reducing real-world, one-on-one violence is to foster empathy and self-control 15. The best way to foster empathy and self-control is to foster the imagination (i.e., conscience) 16. Fostering imagination allows children and young adults to conceptualize and pursue pathways away from violence 17. This is something they must learn to do on their own; it’s a long-term process accomplished over many years 18. The process consists of questions, conversations, modeling, and also stories… 19. Telling developmentally appropriate stories with violence in them is one way to help this process along. For example, The Iliad is mind numbingly violent and Achilles is the most violent character in The Iliad; and yet when Achilles and Priam weep together, the consequences of violence are revealed to Achilles as well as the reader; Achilles regains his humanity and his sense of restraint. This is what matters in a story with violence in it: it must show the consequences of violence and the humanity of victims. 20. Violent stories without consequences are amoral and help foster real-world violence; this is something we should explicitly explain to children when they are old enough. 21. People need heroism; there are more ways to be heroic than to fight; children, especially boys, also need stories in which heroism is expressed in caring, nonviolent ways 22. Participating in political action (e.g., taking children to anti-war demonstrations) is also a good way to foster nonviolent ethics, by making it public and heroic

1. Am particularly taken with #19 (hadn't thought of Achilles's "redemption" quite like that), #20 (YESYESYES. If only Hollywood could hear you!) and #21 Can't just say no to a naturally occurring, evolutionarily-based inclination, must alchemize/channel it toward positive release.) 2. This makes me think of Rudolph Steiner's ideas about how imagination is crucial to the development of empathy and how fairytales and myths play into that. 3. I was very influenced by reading Who's Calling the Shots when we were grappling with our then-4-year old's interest in having a toy gun. It allowed me to ease up on trying to control N---'s play while still keeping a discussion open about our values. (As an aside, it's influenced how I'm handling Barbie with my daughter, too.) 4. I'm conflicted on this. I don't really think violence is "natural" for little kids. I think some kids are more physical than others, that there's a range, but violence as we understand it includes the intention to do harm, knowing the consequences of our physical acts, and i'm not sure little kids have that. That said, i totally agree with your point about empathy, not necessarily because of violence but because empathy is the foundation for social justice. 5. Part of the problem here is that we all use "violence" freely but rarely talk about what we mean by it. By this definition, no, violence isn't natural. But it's become common to refer to kids' make-believe shoot 'em ups and swordfighting as "violent play" and superhero cartoons as "violent entertainment." The "V word" has become a common way to politicize and dominate discussions. 6. Funny you should bring this up; just today I was watching a group of four-year-old boys engage in a series of imaginary superhero playfights that three times out of five turned into real fights, in the sense that excitement escalated and one of them ended up really hitting and one of them got really upset about it. Was it violence? I say yes, definitely, and I know that most researchers who study violence in children would consider it to be violence as well, albeit of the impulsive childlike variety. Context is everything: I don't think these little kids were being violent in the same sense that, say, a drug dealer is violent, or, for that matter, a policeman making an arrest or a soldier on a battlefield--in fact, each of those contexts--the motivation, the intention, the situation--are different, and produce different types of violence with different levels of potential for harm. 7. This is one reason some over-controlling (frightened) adults want to eliminate kids' rough play. Pretty common for some kid to go too far and some other kid to get hurt or mad. But that's one of the ways we learn boundaries and self-control. You hit your friend for real and the play date ends. It's a great way to learn where fantasy stops and reality starts. Too bad adults sometimes have such a hard time distinguishing between their own fear-based fantasies and their kids' realities...

Mogwai. "Cosmic" post rock, per AllMusic—and I agree. Their sound is big and lush, if not galactic. Kings of the slow build. . .

Would love to wax eloquent about them, but magazine layout awaits, so I'll just say their wall of sound does wonders for my brain.

Meanwhile, here's a 2006 video/interview* filmed in their hometown of Glasgow. Check it out.

Photo of the band courtesy of Mogwai.co.uk

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*"Have you ever felt the time is now for Mogwai?"

"I think I've felt that the time is soon, but I've never felt the time is now. . . Such unabashed optimism would probably render me useless to the world."

Reeve (on the phone, calling from Glasgow): "Hi, Mom. I just need some validation. Do you remember over Christmas holidays when I said I wanted to put a moratorium on buying  new clothes?"

Our May-June cover story, written by Jean Van’t Hul, features five Midas-like mamas who go about their lives transforming the everyday into the breathtaking. To gaze upon their creations is to be first awestruck, then inspired. (And endearing them to me all the more is the fact that these woman are all talented photographers.)

1. Sally Shim. A mom of two who favors handmade goods for their originality, she often makes things herself because she just can’t find what she’s looking for in stores.

Check out Sally's slideshow on how to appliqué on Mothering.com.

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2. Amanda Blake Soule is the author of The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections, mother of four, and blogger known to many as SouleMama. Amanda's studio (see photo at right)—let alone the things she creates there—makes me want to go and make stuff.

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3. Eren San Pedro says that rag rugs provide a way for her to stay connected to her grandmother—and to reuse stuff around the house. “I have one I’m working on right now that’s very much a family thing—I’m using my dad’s old blue jeans, my grandfather’s work pants, and some of the kids’ old bedsheets.”

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4. Amy Karol is a mixed-media artist, quilter, mom to three girls, and the author of Bend the Rules Sewing: The Essential Guide to a Whole New Way to Sew. Shown here is a place-setting she made that even I, eschewer of all things dinner party (I refused to register when I got married, throwing all dining-related wedding gifts into the closet in my old room at home so my mom could have backup china, silver, and stemware as needed), could love.

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5. Stephanie Congdon Barnes finds much of her inspiration from nature, replicating out of cloth the things she and her two children find outside their home in Oregon.

Her book of photographs (a collaboration with artist  Maria Alexandra Vettese is A Year of Mornings—3191 Miles Apart: A Photographic Collaboration.

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Photos by Sally Shim, Amanda Soule, Erin San Pedro, Amy Karol, and Stephanie Congdon Barnes.

• Expand the Earned Income Tax Credit: In both the Illinois State Senate and the U.S. Senate, Obama championed efforts to expand the EITC, which is one of the most successful anti-poverty programs to date. President Obama will reward work by increasing the number of working parents eligible for EITC benefits, increasing the benefit available to parents who support their children through child support payments, and reducing the EITC marriage penalty which hurts low-income families. Under the Obama-Biden plan, full-time workers making minimum wage will get an EITC benefit up to $555, more than three times greater than the $175 benefit they get today. If the workers are responsibly supporting their children on child support, the Obama-Biden plan will give those workers a benefit of $1,110.
• Extend Paid Sick Days to All Workers: Half of all private sector workers have no paid sick days and the problem is worse for employees in low-paying jobs, where less than a quarter receive any paid sick days. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will require that employers provide seven paid sick days per year.
• Expand the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA): The FMLA covers only certain people who work for employers with 50 or more employees. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will expand the FMLA to cover businesses with 25 or more employees, and to cover more purposes including allowing: leave for workers who provide elder care; 24 hours of leave each year for parents to participate in their children's academic activities at school; leave for workers who care for individuals who reside in their home for 6 months or more; and leave for employees to address domestic violence and sexual assault.
• Encourage States to Adopt Paid Leave: President Barack Obama will initiate a 50 state strategy to encourage all of the states to adopt paid-leave systems. Obama and Biden will provide a $1.5 billion fund to assist states with start-up costs and to help states offset the costs for employees and employers.
• Expand the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit: The Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit provides too little relief to families that struggle to afford child care expenses. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will reform the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit by making it refundable and allowing low-income families to receive up to a 50 percent credit for their child care expenses.
• Protect Against Caregiver Discrimination: Workers with family obligations often are discriminated against in the workplace. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will commit the government to enforcing recently-enacted Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines on caregiver discrimination.
• Expand Flexible Work Arrangements: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will address this concern by creating a program to inform businesses about the benefits of flexible work schedules for productivity and establishing positive workplaces; helping businesses create flexible work opportunities; and increasing federal incentives for telecommuting. Obama and Biden will also make the federal government a model employer in terms of adopting flexible work schedules and permitting employees to petition to request flexible arrangements.

• Strengthen Fatherhood and Families: Barack Obama has re-introduced the Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Families Act to remove some of the government penalties on married families, crack down on men avoiding child support payments, ensure that support payments go to families instead of state bureaucracies, fund support services for fathers and their families, and support domestic violence prevention efforts. President Obama will sign this bill into law and continue to implement innovative measures to strengthen families.
• Support Parents with Young Children: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will expand programs like the successful Nurse-Family Partnership to all low-income, first-time mothers. The Nurse-Family Partnership provides home visits by trained registered nurses to low-income expectant mothers and their families. Researchers at the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis concluded that these programs produced an average of five dollars in savings for every dollar invested and produced more than $28,000 in net savings for every high-risk family enrolled in the program. The Obama-Biden plan will assist approximately 570,000 first-time mothers each year.

. . . is out and about and on newsstands now!

The baby on the cover, shot by photographer Michelle Dupont of Tasmania, Australia, is Maive McDowell, also of Tasmania. She's wearing a cap that Michelle knitted—very fitting for an issue where we're featuring five fun and funky homecrafting bloggers.

Michelle's a crafty blogging mama (of six!) herself. Check out her blog and more of her stunning photography here.

Oh, and that pattern for Maive’s hat (called the Pilot's Cap)? It's here.

Just got our new eco-friendly banners back from the printer. The banners themselves are biodegradable, but our favorite part is the bamboo stands. The banners retract into beautiful bamboo boxes, made from 90% renewable resources, according to the manufacturer, Megagraphix.

Why bamboo? Here's what they say:

"As the fastest growing plant on the planet, this low impact agro-forestry product is finding increasing use as a versatile industrial material. With a maturity cycle of 3-4 years, bamboo can be a viable replacement for wood or metal components and provides a critical component in the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere."

The banners are going with several of our gang to Anaheim for Expo West next month. Stop by and check them out if you go.

Above: Marketing Director Elizabeth Carovillano demonstraes the scale of the banners while modeling one of our new Mothering aprons. (Apologies for the poor-quality cell phone shots. Sometimes you have to take what's available!)

Researchers have documented what they call an Obama effect, showing that a performance gap between African-Americans and whites on a 20-question test administered before Mr. Obama’s nomination all but disappeared when the exam was administered after his acceptance speech and again after the presidential election. The inspiring role model that Mr. Obama projected helped blacks overcome anxieties about racial stereotypes that had been shown, in earlier research, to lower the test-taking proficiency of African-Americans, the researchers conclude in a report summarizing their results. “Obama is obviously inspirational, but we wondered whether he would contribute to an improvement in something as important as black test-taking,” said Ray Friedman, a management professor at Vanderbilt University, one of the study’s three authors. “We were skeptical that we would find any effect, but our results surprised us.” The study has not yet undergone peer review, and two academics who read it on Thursday said they would be interested to see if other researchers would be able to replicate its results.

Reeve's in the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama's production of Sergei Prokofiev's "Love of Three Oranges," which opened last night. He called after the show, giddy with the excitement of community, collaboration, and a show well done. He sent photos, and my heart swelled.

So forgive me for getting a little braggy here about my boy's part in a realm I know little about. It's one of those things we cretin moms do best. . .

Maserati.  

A post-rock instrumental band out of Athens, Georgia, formed in 2000. This, from the Temporary Residence Limited website:

. . .  the band has dragged the glory years of psychedelic arena rock kicking and screaming into the 21st Century, with the pomposity (and vocals) carefully removed. In its place are white hot flashes of light pulsing to an unstoppable rhythm that makes us want to punch air and drive really fast in a car with wings instead of doors.

Or . . . work really fast on layouts that (hopefully) serve as informative vehicles to get people where they need to be!

Oh, and that Jan-Feb cover? Knowing we wanted an image to go with our package of stories on cosleeping, we hired photographers on both coasts to shoot for us: longtime Mothering favorite Doug Piburn in Los Angeles, and Amy Elliott (relatively new to me but who actually shot for Mothering years ago) in New York City.

Both photographers came back with stunning photos,* but the cover we ended up with came from a completely different source (and a completely different coast). Flickr. Spanish photographer Alio Viera Agel lives in Malmo, Sweden, with his wife and daughter, Liva, who was seven months old when the cover photo was taken—during a Saturday morning game of hide-and-seek with Dad.

*Doug's photos we're hanging on to for later use. Amy's we used in Sarah Buckley's article on cosleeping. (Opening spread at right.)

Tim and I just put our boy on a plane back to Scotland, and I am feeling the ache. A huge hole in my gut and in our house. 

As I was walking back to the office, though, I got hit by a big surprising wave of perspective: But, wait. Reeve is independent, on his own now, and . . . potty-trained! And he falls asleep at night by himself! He plays well with others, and when he eats spaghetti, he no longer tosses the noodles onto his head but uses silverware and puts the stuff right into his mouth! He (often) says please and thank you and doesn't complain about homework or throw candy fits in grocery store checkout aisles. He's smart and funny and compassionate and cheery and somehow fully capable of getting himself across the ocean and back, fully equipped to get an education and pursue his passion and grow into a fuller version of the person he's already kinda been all along.

Photo: A favorite family portrait from a visit five years ago to a place we love, the crumbling town of Vaughn, New Mexico. The boy already looking off in a different direction. . .

Mauthority.

My nephew Nick, who is visiting us this week, was sick last night. Sick, as in hurling up his guts every half hour or so. All night long. And I was reminded (it's been years since I've done the all-night sickbed vigil—so quickly we forget!) how, in the middle of the night, the welfare of a loved one in pain and in need occludes everything: deadweight exhaustion, ice-cold bare feet, even the tremendous urgency of the need to pee after those cups of tea intended to address the aforementioned exhaustion.

I also was re-marveling at the old familiar awareness that I know what to do when someone is sick, even while worrying that I don't. And that I have the authority to act on that knowing. I'm not Nick's mom, but in situations like last night, general momness overrides the particulars of bloodline or familial relationship. [I don't mean to be sexist here or to diss dadness—am just drawing from my own experience.]

I remember discovering this "mauthority," this power of momness, years ago when Reeve had friends over. On one occasion, one young friend (normally tough, confident, athletic, 9 or so at the time) spent the night. He and Reeve had watched (I'm embarrassed to say) an alien abduction movie earlier that night, then got scared and couldn't sleep, so they brought sleeping bags in to our room so they could sleep on a pad next to our bed. A few hours later, I was awakened by Reeve's friend crawling in next to me, staying close to the edge of the bed so as not to awaken me. I knew this big, strong 9-year-old would be mortified if I let on that I knew he was there, so I pretended to sleep while trying to somehow exude maternal comfort. He eventually returned to his sleeping bag, and the event went unspoken of thereafter. Momness works. Even while we're sleeping, apparently (or apparently sleeping, anyway).

So now Nick, thank goodness, is much better. And I'm back to being an aunt (albeit an exhausted one), freshly girded with the knowledge that—should the need arise, for my own child or anyone else's—I've got the power!

Photo: Tim and Laura's first introduction to Nick, circa May 1987, back before Laura had any knowledge of mauthority. (Laura: "But what is it, Tim?"   Tim: "It's a nephew."   Laura: "A nephew? . . . but, what do we do with it?")

And, despite the fact that he can now fix his own dinner and launder his own clothes, some other things remain unchanged. I came home last night to find Reeve and his longtime (since third grade!) friend Evan sitting at our kitchen table, COLORING.

Life is good.

The bird has flown home. Got in Saturday night, and there was jubilation. 

Photo here of Reeve carrying home the Christmas tree we picked out yesterday (his dad's on the other end). His old friends Evan and Justen joined us for what was a really festive day.

Now, finally, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. . .

PS Am also including a photo of our fake fireplace, just to share the festive fun.

Dinosaur dads played an active role in raising their young and often served as single parents, according to a study published Friday in the journal Science. The researchers examined bones belonging to eight different dinosaurs that were fossilized in "brooding postures" near clutches of eggs. None of them included medullary bone, a form of bone tissue found in female birds and some female dinosaurs that is mined for calcium when they lay eggs, the researchers reported... Dino daddies may have evolved as active parents because the moms were preoccupied with laying eggs, which were large and could only be produced one at a time, the researchers wrote. Additionally, since unhatched chicks needed so much heat to stay warm, the dads may have had little choice but to help out with incubation if they wanted their offspring to survive, according to the study.

Our January-February issue each year includes a feature we call Backstage, a photo introducing the people behind Mothering. For this year's Backstage photo, our staff gathered at the Santa Fe Railyard on a frigid November morning while staff photographer Melyssa Holik snapped away.

Here are some behind-the-scenes shots from the behind-the-scenes shoot. Our invigorating morning in the cold air: rosy cheeks, warm laughter, and much-needed hot apple cider . . .

For a better look at the Santa Fe staff, click on the Backstage image (top right). Shown here are (clockwise, from left): Lisa Mora, Ashisha, John McMahon, Candace Walsh, Simone Snyder, Melissa Chianta, Peggy O’Mara, Todd McCoy, Shirl Ervin, Laura Egley Taylor, Melyssa Holik, Cara Evans, Ellie Evans, Lally O’Mara McMahon, Kristina Morris-Heredia, Elizabeth Carovillano, and Noelani Carovillano.

To see a larger version of any photo, just click on it.

When families feel the pressure of a slowing economy on their shoulders, children suffer. Historically, when the economy shifts downward, there has been a corresponding increase in child abuse and neglect. Childhelp, a national nonprofit organization dedicated to the prevention and treatment of child abuse, reports an eight to 10 percent increase in calls to child abuse hotlines since July. Researchers have indicated that there appears to be a link between the health of our economy, the economic health of families and the health and well-being of our children. Rightly so, most observers fall short of declaring there is a direct cause and effect link – the causes of child abuse and neglect are varied and not well understood – but there is a connection nonetheless. The 13 million children living in poverty are particularly at risk. The connection between poverty and child welfare is well documented. Maltreatment, especially, is more prevalent among families categorized as poor and extremely poor than in families with higher incomes. It’s not that low-income parents love their children any less than other parents, or that they don’t have the same aspirations for success, upward mobility, good health and well-being as other parents. They do. All parents, regardless of income, want to give their children a quality education, nutritious meals, health insurance and affordable health care, substantive family time, adequate housing, a safe neighborhood, exposure to a breadth of opportunities and ideas, and an environment that encourages rather than stifles dreams. It is this strong desire of low-income parents to provide their children with the basic necessities cruelly juxtaposed against their inability to do so that increases family stress, which can result in an increased possibility of abuse or neglect. In 2006, nearly 900,000 children in America were confirmed as victims of child abuse or neglect. Research has shown that children raised in poverty are 46 times more likely to be placed in foster care. The 1996 National Incidence Studies of Child Abuse and Neglect found that child neglect is 22 times more likely if family income is less than $15,000 as compared to families with an income of more than $30,000. The authors of an article published in 2006 in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry discovered that more than half the children in foster care and a third of the children who received in-home services were identified by their case workers as having birth families who had difficulty meeting their basic needs at the time of investigation. The majority lived below 150 percent of the poverty level; and of the families who did not live below the poverty level, many suffered financial hardship. As we shore up the health and stability of the middle class and big business in the wake of our current economic crisis, let us also be mindful that we must take steps to strengthen the poorest among us. Part of Casey Family Programs’ 2020 Strategy for America’s Children is to safely reduce the number of children in foster care by 50 percent and reinvest the money saved in preventive programs that strengthen families and increase their chances to stay intact. We realize that to reduce foster care, we must help redirect the course of life for the 7.7 million families living in poverty because every child in America deserves the right to be raised in a family that has enough resources to meet that child’s basic needs. Such a shift will require that we not only change our practices, but also our perspective – how we view poor and low-income citizens, families and children, how they view themselves and how families are teaching their children to view themselves. We need to change how we see low-income families and what we think about them. Only after we’ve changed our perspective about all of our families can we bring about real change and change our practices. It is this change in both perspective and practice that will dictate what we put in place to support and augment their efforts and allow them to live their daily lives with a renewed sense of dignity, strength and hope. America must do a better job of providing families with tools, resources and healthy alternatives to cope, to fill in the gaps and to provide increased opportunity for all children. If we don’t do something to constructively address poverty in this country, if we don’t help families break out of poverty, we will continue to see children channeled into the foster care system. Ultimately in the greatest country in the world, when it comes to our children there is only one standard – the standard of your own. If growing up in poverty is not acceptable for your own children, then it cannot be acceptable for any child in America.

The Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimate that men make up nearly 40 percent of family care providers now, up from 19 percent in a 1996 study by the Alzheimer’s Association. About 17 million men are caring for an adult. “It used to be that when men said, ‘I’ll always take care of my mother,’ it meant, ‘My wife will always take care of my mother,’ ” said Carol Levine, director of the families and health care project at the United Hospital Fund. “But now, more and more men are doing it.”

Oneida. In particular, their song "Sheets of Easter," which has been described as "testing the listener's patience by repeating a single brain-pummeling riff for over 14 minutes" (Jason Nickey, All Music Guide) and "Unless you have a taste for self-abuse, you would be wise to dodge the noise-drone cut "Sheets of Easter" (Yancey Strickler, eMusic.com).

I LOVE this song.

My guys Tim and Reeve slipped this track onto my iPod a couple of years ago—as a joke, I guess—and I shocked us all by really connecting with it. I find the repetition soothing—kicks me right into a focal zone where I can concentrate. I tend to listen to the song on repeat for hours at a time while working.

A while back, I contacted the band's Fat Bobby (a.k.a. Bobby Matador or Robert Thacher) to tell him how much I appreciated "Sheets of Easter." He wasn't at all surprised to hear how calming I found it and said that his wife, Erica, had recently had a baby and had found rhythmic, repetitious music to be helpful during labor. Check out her list and his comments on the tracks here. 

OK. Just got to lay out the TOC now, and we'll be done with Jan-Feb! Am giving thanks right about now for Oneida (among many other things, of course) . . .

Laura's Not-So-Secret Recipe for Protein-Packed Production Fuel, er, Oatmeal 1/3 c rolled oats 2/3 c water 1T chopped walnuts 1T raisins dash cinnamon dash salt 1/3 c chopped apple  1/3 c cottage cheese 1. Throw everything except apple and cottage cheese into a microwave-safe bowl. 2. Zap for 1-2 minutes (depending on how powerful your microwave is). 3. Add chopped apples and zap for another minute. 4. Stir in cottage cheese. 5. Add honey, maple syrup, or brown sugar, if you'd like. Makes one serving.

Just thought I'd do a visual documentation here of my favorite of Reeve's Halloween costumes. He was 3 and hugely in love with airplanes. The only thing he wanted to be for Halloween that year—nothing else could possibly work—was the Concorde. The airplane. As in British Airways. As in super-fast and super-sleek.

So, since I don't really sew and didn't want the mess of papier maché, Reeve was transformed into a poster paper-clad version of that supersonic flying machine. Photo at right.

That Halloween night, he flew beautifully from house to house, trick or treating with the kids from the apartment downstairs. . . until it began to rain—thereby ending any possibility of transcontinental flight.

Wishing you and yours a happy, safe, and dry Halloween!

Ever notice how the word parent turns into the word parenthetical if you keep at it long enough?

That's the parental goal, right? To teach and empower and be there so that, as the child grows, we become less and less the subject or object of his or her sentence, more and more a supporting clause . . .

(Photo of Reeve earlier this year, with his dad, Tim, receding into the background.)

A group of San Francisco first-graders took an unusual field trip to City Hall on Friday to toss rose petals on their just-married lesbian teacher - putting the public school children at the center of a fierce election battle over the fate of same-sex marriage. The 18 Creative Arts Charter School students took a Muni bus and walked a block at noon to toss rose petals and blow bubbles on their just-married teacher Erin Carder and her wife Kerri McCoy, giggling and squealing as they mobbed their teacher with hugs. Mayor Gavin Newsom, a friend of a friend, officiated. A parent came up with the idea for the field trip - a surprise for the teacher on her wedding day. "She's such a dedicated teacher," said the school's interim director Liz Jaroslow.... The students' parents are planning to make a video with the children describing what marriage is to them. Marriage, 6-year-old Nolan Alexander said Friday, is "people falling in love." It means, he added, "You stay with someone the rest of your life."

It's a magazine! With a cover and everything! (It was touch and go there for a while.) We finally delivered the final files to the press Monday afternoon, much to the relief of all of us. . .

Cigar, anyone?

Look, I understand what it's like to be a single parent. When my wife and daughter died and my two sons were gravely injured, I understand what it's like as a parent to wonder what it's like if your kid's going to make it. I understand what it's like to sit around the kitchen table with a father who says, "I've got to leave, champ, because there's no jobs here. I got to head down to Wilmington. And when we get enough money, honey, we'll bring you down." I understand what it's like. I'm much better off than almost all Americans now. I get a good salary with the United States Senate. I live in a beautiful house that's my total investment that I have. So I -- I am much better off now. But the notion that somehow, because I'm a man, I don't know what it's like to raise two kids alone, I don't know what it's like to have a child you're not sure is going to -- is going to make it -- I understand. I understand, as well as, with all due respect, the governor or anybody else, what it's like for those people sitting around that kitchen table. And guess what? They're looking for help. They're looking for help.

Biden choked up in that moment, as I think one would forever. He wasn’t grandstanding, and he wasn’t attacking Palin, he was simply making a point: that dads, too, know about household fears. That just as Palin is not disqualified from talking about the statehouse just because she’s a woman, Biden is not disqualified from talking about his home life just because he’s a man. It was, ironically, the most feminist moment of the debate.