Attachment Parenting and Twins

Bonding is a process that begins during pregnancy and picks up speed when you behold the "intimate strangers" you have known for nine months, but not yet seen. The time after the birth is especially advantageous for bonding because a mother is very open hormonally and emotionally, so the mother-baby diad should be respected much more than it often is. Bonding really involves adults establishing enough connection to make space in their lives for taking care of this new being (or beings!); children always respond to and love their primary caregivers, unless there is such neglect and abuse that they "check out" and fail to thrive. I can't think of any differences in the process of bonding between a mother or father and multiples compared with a single baby. One thing to remember, of course, is to keep your awareness attuned to the fact that they are separate spiritual beings, and see what is revealed to you at birth and throughout life. Another thing to recognize is that they already have a particularly close bond with one another and to honor that by not separating them unnecessarily (I feel it's crazy that most hospitals still keep them in separate "boxes," especially if there are any problems).

One of the best things you can do for your twins to avoid prematurely or a surgical delivery is to eat well and gain about 50-60 pounds so they don't decide to exit the womb early. Twins we dealt with as midwives always went to term and weighed 6-8 pounds. Good nutrition also helps to prevent toxemia. And try to have a natural delivery, which should be possible with the right practitioner, unless factors such as sharing the same amniotic sac or being in a position where the chins could lock make vaginal delivery too high risk. However, if you do need a cesarean delivery, this does not necessarily mean a breakdown in bonding! Bonding with human beings does not have a "critical period," as it does with many other animals. It's an ongoing process. The key with twins is to get enough help that you have time to heal and regain your energy after the birth and so you aren't always exhausted. I feel that we're in a "bonded state" whenever we treat the baby as a feeling and knowing person rather than as an object. And that's harder to do when you're exhausted!

So I would recommend putting extra time into planning the first six weeks after the birth. In many cultures this is a time of honoring the mother, enabling her to really recover and be with her baby in that magical time after the birth. Do you have friends who can come in and do special things with your four year old? Can you (or a friend) line up people to bring dinners by every night? Can you afford to pay for help from a postpartum doula, or arrange for housecleaning for the first couple of months? Can your partner take time off from work? Have you connected with a "Mothers of Multiples" support group? [check out MotheringDotCommune's Parenting Multiples forum]

One thing many mothers wonder about when they have a second child is how they will possibly love this child as much as the first. But love doesn't work that way-it's not a finite pie that can only be divided into so many pieces. Time, on the other hand, fools us because it appears so linear, and it is natural to wonder how you are going to be able to manage. Twins are a powerful impetus not only to learn to be in the moment, but to learn to accept help gratefully-you're actually doing people a favor by letting them help you. Bonding grows with the time mothers spend with their babies and the love that springs forth when the baby responds. Twins are twice as much love, but also twice as much work. Good luck!