Child "hating" himself when reprimanded

Dear concerned mother,

In a therapy session one seven year old boy told me, “When my father corrects me, I feel so small that I want to shrink and vanish in the crack between the boards of the floor.” Your child is telling you not to correct him. He tells you that it hurts; that he loses faith in himself and in your love. Listen to him. He needs no corrections and no home schooling at this age. He only needs love and your vote of confidence. 

Everything you are trying to teach him by correcting or giving lessons, he can lean on his own when the time is right, and when he feels free from the fear of not pleasing you. He feels scared to fail. He doubts your love because when you teach and correct him, he hears that you are not happy with him. This is how young children hear corrections. In fact, most adults shrink emotionally from criticism too.

The arrival of the new baby has confirmed your son’s worst nightmare, “They are not please with me, so they got someone else that they love.” If you protect the baby from him, he is even more sure that he has failed to be who you love. If as you read these words you are crying, rest assure that I know how painful it is. You want so badly to do the best for your child, and you wonder how to turn things around. It is not too late. 

Children are very flexible and forgiving. Give your child freedom to be. Avoid stopping him unless life depends on it. Protect his freedom of choice, his autonomy and his self-governing. Don’t teach or correct. He will learn much better without it, at the right time for him. Be a “yes” mom. “Yes, I see that you want to paint on the wall, here is a giant paper. I am going to paste it on the wall for you to paint.” Spend time with him one-on-one and love him unconditionally, specially when he is not at his best (according to you.) He is already doubting himself; he needs lots of reassurance and to be loved with no conditions.

Parenting is about letting go of control and allowing the flow of the child to stream freely.

Children do not learn by being corrected or told. In fact, correcting and teaching at this age, harms the ability to learn because the child loses self-esteem. Every “mistake” is really not a mistake but a step in learning. Often, children whose speech has been corrected stutter, and if their behavior is corrected become insecure and self-loathing.

Your child does not need you to direct his life, only to affirm and love him unconditionally. 

The real mistake is in correcting and teaching your son. If you would like more specific guidance, you may want to book yourself a phone session. You can find the information on my site.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com