Child Making A Mess

Child

Naomi Aldort

My sweet freedom-loving child (almost 4 yrs old) likes to create some serious messes around the house. She'll dump out all the crayons looking for one or two, make the whole bathroom wet with splashing and experimenting, throw things on the floor when she's done with them, (sometimes including food such as pea pods, etc.). The mess doesn't seem to bother her and in fact she seems to delight in it. I, however, am a fairly neat person and was raised very strictly, so this is new to me. For the most part she makes her own choices how to live her life, eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. It doesn't seem to be rebellion so much as a carefree sort of unconcern. So, my question is, is this something that I need to accept and make peace with, or is this one of those things that I need to intervene on so it doesn't go on for years? So far, unless the mess is unlivable, I just clean it up at the end of the day. Sometimes when she's interested, she will help clean up a little. I'm not even sure how I would intervene as she's being raised as best I can without rewards or punishment. Any ideas on how to make peace with this or to change it would be appreciated. Thanks!

Dear Parent,

Your daughter is normal and sounds delightful. There is no need to make her clean the messes she makes. As you wisely point out; to her these are not “messes.” “Mess” is your concept things being spread around and it is your wish to clean it up.

However, your child learns to desire orderliness by watching you and based on the environment she lives in. There is no need to coerce her to do what is valued by you and not by her, but it is fine to live authentically with your values. If you clean up after each spill without making a religion our of it, your daughter will learn a commitment to orderliness. You do it for yourself and she observes and, over the years, will be influenced, yet free to have her own preferences.

Cleaning once a day teaches your daughter a balanced view of cleanliness. She is learning that order is valued yet is not compulsive; she will notice that living with the way it is through the day is fine too. If you want her to learn a greater commitment to neatness, then don’t wait to the end of the day. As soon as she picked up the crayon she needs, or when she is done doing her art, pick up the crayons.

If from an early age you pick up things as they show up but without being obsessive about it, your child will internalizes the commitment to orderliness. It is also find to include her in your idea by saying things like, “I like to put the crayons in a larger box so you can easily pick the one you want without having to spill it on the floor.” Or, “Let me know when you are done playing with the beans

so I can pick them up.” But, stay away from trying to manipulate her. Just share what is authentic to you. Living in a messy house harms no one and is often typical of more relaxed families.

Parenting includes mess no matter what you do. To make peace with this reality, I suggest that you work with your own mind, questioning the thoughts that dictate orderliness. You can use the four questions and turnaround from the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie, or book yourself a phone session with me and I will facilitate this inquiry and answer more of your questions.

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Child Making A Mess

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