Clinging Child

Dear Parent,

Your son sounds healthfully attached and trusting of you and your husband. He is also very wise to keep his anxiety and deep emotional needs between you and him and to suspend his needs while in preschool or with other people. It is possible that his anxiety is the result of going to a daycare.

The fact that he goes happily and seems to do well there is not proof that the separation does not stress him. Children are often very good at accommodating our expectations. Your son may have a good time at the Waldorf daycare, yet also wonder why he is sent away and assure himself that you are present. Yet, I cannot know that this is the reason, or the only reason, because his need is very normal for his age even when always at home.

Fears are a natural part of growing up and of self-discovery. The world becomes bigger and more overwhelming than what the child thought it was. He thought there was just a home with a mommy and daddy and him. The expansion of the world can be really scary, and your child needs your full understanding and support. Being alone in a room can be terrifying.

The need for assurance and permanency is part of brain development. Meeting his needs fully is what allows the child to grow in emotional capacity and security. He will move on when he is ready. Parental exhaustion is always the result of wanting things to be other than the way they are. When he was a baby you never left him alone, and that was fine. Now you have an expectation to have a bit more freedom (re-enforced by the hours that he is away from you) so you feel stressed when you don't get it. Your son also senses your resistance and it feeds his fear further.

I suggest that you trust your child and flow with his needs in peace. Question your own mental resistance. The thought, "He shouldn't need me to go with him to the bathroom," is the cause of your anxiety because in reality he does need it. Go with him in peace, and you won't feel exhausted.

One of my children was full of fears and needing me with him everywhere until a much older age than your son. I knew it wouldn't last and cherished every moment of it. He is now a young adult and one of the most self-assured and peaceful people I have met. When you fully respond to your child's needs, with no anxiety in your heart, he learns to trust himself and go inside for guidance. Keep giving it to him knowing that you are building his emotional power and capacity for peace and joy.

Warmly,   Naomi Alodrt  www.AuthenticParent.com