When in the Course of a baby’s life it becomes necessary for one 12-month-old to dissolve the Velcro bands which have connected the front of her diaper, and to assume among the powers of the house, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of natural parenting entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of Mom-kind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all babies are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creativity with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Nummies, Nudity and the pursuit of House pets.— That whenever any Form of Parenting becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Baby to ignore or to abolish it.
Impatience, indeed, will dictate that Diapers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes. Accordingly all experience hath shewn that Babykind are more disposed to suffer, while micturations are sufferable, than to right them by abolishing the Nudity to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of ablutions and Slumberations, pursuing invariably the same Baby, evinces a design to reduce her under absolute Diaperism, it is her right, it is her doody, to throw off such Chinese pre-folds, and to provide new Guards for her tushy’s security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this Nursling; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter her former System of Parenting.
The history of the present Mother of Leone is a history of repeated injustices and diaperings, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over this Baby.
To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candied world:
She has refused her Assent to Lollipops, the most wholesome and necessary for the gustatory good.
She has forbidden her Nursling to pass BMs of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till her Assent should be on the potty; and when so suspended, she has utterly neglected to attend to them.
Leone, therefore, does solemnly publish and declare, That she is, and of Right ought to be, a Free and Independent baby, and that all umbilical connection between her and her Mommy is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent baby, she has full Power to lick Wall sockets, occlude Peace of Mind, contract Alliances with her siblings, demolish Quarterlies, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent babies may want to do.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of her siblings, we mutually pledge our stuffed Livestock, our allowance, and our stash of Candy.