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On Raising a Reluctant Reader

Jennifer Margulismamazee
By: Jennifer Margulis and mamazee
Posted 10/15/10 • Last updated 03/11/13 • 51 views • 18 comments

I got a message from my son’s school the other day.


“It’s nothing to worry about,” his teacher was quick to say into the machine. “I just wanted to let you know that your son’s been identified as a kiddo who needs extra help with reading.”


Etani, though he loves to be read to and has a prodigious vocabulary, has really been struggling with learning to read.


We’re a family of readers. James is reading Kafka’s short stories now; Athena is reading the Warrior series and the Sisters Grimm; Hesperus, who has read the Twilight series three times, plows through so many books from the library that I can’t keep up; and I’m reading Wendy Mogul’s brand new The Blessings of a B Minus, Wicked, and Bram Stoker’s Dracula.


But Etani has been pretty adamant he doesn’t want to ever learn to read.


James and I are trying not to panic.


Two of James’s good friends were both reluctant readers.


One has a Ph.D. in Philosophy and teaches metaphysics. The other is the director of an International Baccalaureate school.


They are both among the smartest people we know.


But I am worried. What if my son never learns to read? Last year the teacher told us he could recognize a lot of words but he lacked confidence. He gets frustrated and impatient whenever we try to teach him anything about word recognition or reading. I worry that struggling with reading is having a negative effect on his self-esteem. I worry there will be a stigma associated with being identified as a “Title One kid.”


It’s counterproductive to compare but I can’t help thinking about how James taught himself to read when he was three, how Athena could write her name before she turned two, how my brother’s son (who’s two days younger than Etani but a head taller and a grade level above him in school) is such a good reader that he’s reading the Harry Potter books to himself, how Etani’s friend Moshe (who’s just two weeks older) reads English and Hebrew with ease.


Me: Jennifer, repeat after me: Every child develops at his own pace.


Myself: But–


Me: Every child develops at his own pace. Just keep reading to him and modeling how much you love books. Your son will be fine. When he’s ready, he’ll learn to read.


Will he? Do you know any reluctant readers? Were you a reluctant reader yourself? Do you have children who are struggling with reading or other aspects of school?




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Tags: Blessings of a B Minus, Dracula, Harry Potter, Kafka, learning to read, needing help at school, reluctant readers, Sisters Grimm, Twilight obsession, Warrior series, Wendy Mogul, what if your child never learns to read?




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Comments (18)

Natalie 10/15/10 at 3:32am
I don't have any expertise in this area (I teach high school English, not grade school language arts), but I think in grade school, there's still plenty of time for kids to develop skills. What I know about your family from this blog is that you care about education, you model behaviors and habits you'd like to see, and you're respectful of your kids' development. Be a tiny bit worried, but have faith that there's still plenty of time for your son to learn to read and learn to love reading.
Kimberly Ford 10/15/10 at 3:35am
We have a non-reader in our house, too. My daughter--who learned to read on schedule but NEVER reads anything that's not assigned to her in school--once looked right at me (a Ph.D. in literature) and said, "I HATE to read." I've tried to be relaxed. It's not easy. My new thing is to appreciate her competence in OTHER areas. One thing to do in the meantime is audiobooks?? That way he'll get to love literature without having to do all the work! And yes, patience.
kelly 10/15/10 at 3:58am
Jennifer, I too am a teacher. High School Physics. I would caution you about sharing such private details about your son's development with the world. It is NOT respectful to blog about struggles such as this without your child's consent. Many of my students were identified early as struggling readers, writers, etc and it really stays with them. If you and James need support around this topic I would advise you to seek it among your closest family and friends.
MarthaAndMe 10/15/10 at 4:20am
I know how you feel. My daughter learned to read a very early age and I did too. My son was a slower. I bought the Bob books and tried to teach him with that. He fought me tooth and nail on it. The outcome though is he is a very good reader now and loves to read. Etani will get there - at his own pace!
Alexandra 10/15/10 at 7:11am
I wondered if my son would EVER read. So, I gave in and allowed my husband to give him comic books. In France, some of them are beyond racy. But, it got my son reading. He reads all kinds of things now, of course, as an adult. I would not worry. Everyone is different. (Have you tried Tin-Tin?) .-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Bonus Post- LeCount Hollow- Today =-.
Vera Marie Badertscher 10/15/10 at 7:27am
Hey, we all need extra help with something. What frustrated YOU in school? math? artwork? lack of physical abilities? I assume that you have checked other possibilities that your son is having problems reading, like vision problems or dyslexia? Sometimes some physical problem gets in the way and isn't recognized. One of my sons did not learn as quickly as the other two and it broke my heart when he asked me how come they could understand things so fast. He figured out that he could be better than they were at art work, and made the most of that and his skill as a baseball pitcher. As an adult, he has more common sense than either of them and is an excellent problem solver. .-= Vera Marie Badertscher´s last blog ..What’s New =-.
Alisa Bowman 10/15/10 at 7:51am
I think we are all different people--with different strengths and different weaknesses. I excelled at reading as a child, but my younger brother did not. He struggled in school. Now he out earns me. How you do in school really doesn't translate to how happy you are later in life. Yes, you want him to learn to read (because you cant navigate the world if you cant), but you also want him to find whatever his unique strengths and loves and passions are. I think that's more important than grades. .-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Are you searching for a unicorn =-.
ChristineGL 10/15/10 at 8:09am
Jennifer, You might find John Holt's "How Kids Learn" (and other related books) interesting. (He's the unschooling guru: http://www.holtgws.com/johnholtpage.html). My second son is also a reluctant reader (though to give him credit he is learning to read in two very different languages). I try to at least make sure he has plenty of models and plenty of books lying around. My husband, his older brother, and I are avid readers. His little sisters like to either look at books (3 year old) or chew on books (baby). I do understand your feelings. I tend to think that the happiest people I know are those who can always turn to the world of books. But perhaps that's wrong. As adults, we all find our own paths. One thing that we try to do is to recognize and respect the passions my son does have. My son is passionate about art and also about visual images (how movies are made, and whatnot). This reminds me - I keep meaning to look for books on this subject for him. What is Etani interested in? What does he love? .-= Christine @ Origami Mommy´s last blog ..Picture books =-.
Claudine 10/15/10 at 8:36am
My eldest is reluctant now at almost 13. I asked him, please tell me what you want to read. He is not a fan of fiction at all and prefers books on "how things work." My middle son wouldn't sit still long enough to be read to. He hated the physical act of writing. Now? He loves poetry (grown up poetry like Yeats and Dickenson). You just never know. Everyone has their own thing they are great about. As for the person who thinks you shouldn't post this I disagree. You're looking for answers, ideas, help. It's good to talk. Now others can feel confident about looking for help too. What a good mom you are--I can feel the angst and concern and love in this post.
KrisB 10/15/10 at 9:07am
Jennifer, my eldest taught himself to read at 4. My youngest? Was SUCH a late reader. He just. couldn't. get it. Because we homeschool, I was able to allow him the freedom to do it in his OWN time. I worried some, yes. But mostly that worry was about what other people would think. I didn't want people to think that homeschooling wasn't working because he couldn't read. When he was 8-9 he wanted me to read Harry Potter to him. Everybody was talking about Harry and he wanted a piece of that action. I was concerned that it might be a little too much for him, so I did this: I told him he could read Harry Potter when HE could read Harry Potter. Instant motivation. He picked up the book, read it from cover to cover and hasn't stopped. He reads voraciously, and goes through a dozen books a week. On the other hand is his friend who went to kindergarten at the local public school. He was pushed and pushed to read. He wasn't ready. He hated it. In first grade, his mom began homeschooling him, but to this day (he's 16 now) NO amount of freedom/help/encouragement/bribery will make that love to kid read. He was taught to HATE reading. What a horrible thing. I hope that Etani's teacher is able to step back and give him the space he needs. Think about comic books. Not literary by any means, but it's reading. Does he love maps? Get him maps and let him read those. There are so many different ways to learn to read that will let him be in charge! Stop worrying. Trust him. .-= Kris Bordessa´s last blog .. =-.
joanna 10/15/10 at 9:28am
i read a fantastic book: how children learn at home. it s a study about how homeschooled and UNschooled kids learn (to read and other things). it is realy interesting to see how socalled late reading is common and suddenly, around 8-9 years old, kids can read, many times without being at all told how it works! just like the way we learn to speak, no one is sitting down TEACHING us grammar when we are 2, we just pick it up, same same is possible with reading. unfortunately, with the school system, everyone has to be learning everything at exactly the same pace and rythm... .-= Joanna´s last blog ..Polaroïd- 20 mois =-.
Kimberly Ford 10/15/10 at 9:30am
You know, I have a real problem with Kelly's comment above. I think there is real merit in letting people know about any kind of struggle. There are four kids in my family of origin. All ivy league educated and all holders of advanced degrees. One of my brothers, the smartest among us, was a very late reader. My other brother is dyslexic. It was really important for us as a family to be open about these issues. It added to our sense of achievement when each of us knew that there were things that had been hard along the way. I have TERRIBLE hand-eye coordination. It's a family joke--and a good one. People deserve support and compassion and we all need to recognize that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Part of the beauty of the internet and the blogosphere in particular are moments when people are real and compassionate and vulnerable. I commend Jennifer for not pretending like her kids are all perfect. My daughter's spelling is getting to be atrocious because she doesn't ever read. Meanwhile, she has a big part in the middle school play and she's a very talented ice skater and she is currently excelling at math. We talk a lot about the fact that she needs to read more. And that my older son is very disorganized. It's good to be clear about what we can improve. The most important point here, though, is that Jennifer is not saying that her son isn't intelligent or capable or that he will one day read voraciously. The message--which is loud and clear--is that kids develop at different speeds and that she, as a parent, is reminding herself to accept that. What about that message deserved reprimand? Good for you, Jennifer.
SHERYL 10/15/10 at 11:51am
My younger son was a reluctant reader. He would rather do anything but pick up a book. Slowly, over time, he learned to like it (notice I didn't say LOVE - he still doesn't). But he learned how to read, did well in school and if applying to graduate school as I write this. Don't worry - I'm sure Etani will pick it up when HE is ready. In the meantime, he's probably processing the words in another way and I'm convinced that once he starts to really read, he'll take off. I also wonder if you've tested him for dyslexia; I know a lot of kids stay away from reading and are too ashamed (or even don't realize) to admit that they are not understanding the words because of this condition that many times goes undiagnosed. .-= sheryl´s last blog ..Please Watch to Bring Hope Alive =-.
Kristen J. Gough 10/15/10 at 1:05pm
After having one avid reader I was surprised when my younger two struggled with it. With my middle child I just didn't pressure her and finally with the right book (not Harry Potter but How to Train Your Dragon and now anything Judy Blume) she's a fan. It was just amazing to see her take to reading (I mean, I could happily live in a library). My younger one needed more help too. A teacher pointed out that she needed assistance, I balked, but agreed to let her get extra help. I'm so glad I did. She got along really well with the reading instructor at school and her confidence and abilities just shot up. .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Calzones take two–dessert raspberry ricotta =-.
gina 10/16/10 at 1:49am
Our daughter was identified as struggling with reading in first grade, sent to remedial summer school, had a wonderful second grade teacher who worked hard with her on reading, yet was still identified as "at risk" in 3rd grade--we were told that if she didn't learn to read, bad things would happen. She got a lot of help in 3rd and 4th grades from specialists at school, continuing to test poorly until 5th grade, when reading suddenly clicked and that year's standardized test showed her reading at college level. We thought there had to be a mistake, except that the test still showed her being a terrible speller, which was true. She's gone on to excel in English, both as a reader and a writer and is now taking AP English as a junior in high school. That she has to work so hard to learn to read and mastered it eventually was, in retrospect, a very positive and character-defining experience. She knows deeply that if she puts her mind to something, she can do it.
Melanie Haiken 10/17/10 at 8:43am
I've done some research on reading lately for an education website I'm working for, and it's interesting to hear the teachers' perspective on why they make such a big deal of the third grade milestone; it's basically because, after third grade, kids are expected to be able to read for content in other subjects, so if they're still struggling with the mechanics of reading in fourth and fifth grade, the concern is that it will hold them back in other subjects at which they might actually excel. I agree with all the comments about motivation RE comic books, audiobooks, all those things. I also might look into testing just to make sure there's not a visual or processing issue like dyslexia? Then I'd just try to let it go, as you are doing -- I think when you are in the upper grades there might be other ways to approach the content issue to take the pressure off. .-= Melanie Haiken´s last blog ..Best Healthy Aging Advice Ever from Rancho La Puerta =-.
EmLa579 10/17/10 at 1:34pm
I'm a Special Education teacher, and I absolutely agree that children develop at different speeds. If you're concerned, or if someone else is concerned about a late reader, it might be worth an evaluation with someone who does vision therapy just to rule out a physical cause. It's something many people and most teachers don't know much about but I've seen it transform children. Just a thought. You're a great mother to be concerned and aware without pressuring your child. .-= Mama Em´s last blog ..To Tye- at 11 months =-.
sarah henry 10/18/10 at 9:23am
I think some boys come to reading "later" than schools would like, but don't sweat it, Jennifer, they get there in the end. My son loved books -- still does -- but was initially frustrated by the fact that the books he could read himself didn't match where he was at developmentally. Who wants to struggle with an early reader when there's all that magical Harry Potter stuff to be had?
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