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Ten Things You Will Totally Do When You Have Kids


(Get ready to eat some humble pie. I like mine with whipped cream. Vegan, obviously.)


1.Talk about your kid incessantly

Yes you will. To family. To friends. On Facebook. Oh so much on Facebook. But only because your kid is way more adorable and smarter and more advanced than those other babies whose every babble and meal and toothless grin were documented for the world. Obviously.


2. Catch vomit in your hands

There is no reason for parents to develop this particular instinct. It does not make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse because now there is vomit on your child, their bed, the wall, and probably your hair and you can’t do a thing about because you are holding vomit in your cupped hands like an offering to the stomach virus gods. It does not placate them.


3. Talk about poop

Not only will you talk about it in great detail, but sometimes it makes you really, really happy. Proud, even. Everybody poops? Hell yes.


4. Sound like your mother

Her voice will burst forth from your lips like a demon possessing your soul, close the door! the demons will say, are you trying to heat the whole neighborhood? and then, stop making a mountain out of a molehill! And you will clamp your hands over your mouth and stare with horror but too late, you already know: she was right all along.


5. Regret saying “my child will never_”

In fact, go ahead and write down everything you ever said that began with that phrase. That way you know exactly what kind of cruel karma awaits you. 


6. Change your entire life

You will not be the same person. Your life will not be the same. Just trust me on this one. But also? It’s a really, really good thing. 


7. Handle it

All those thoughts of I could never deal with tantrums/illness/carpool/labor/poop/vomit/sleeplessness/listening to The Wiggles on constant repeat until I go just a little bit insane? You will. You kind of have to. You’re tougher than you think.


8. Constantly be running late

You will always be late. It will become your new state of being: perpetually running behind, never quite catching up. You will be the athsmatic kid wheezing through the end of the race. Oh you’ll get there. But it won’t be pretty.


9. Be a morning person

I’m kidding, you won’t. But you’ll be up at dawn anyway so may as well pretend. Isn’t the sunrise beautiful? Really, I’d like to know. I’m too busy staring blankly into my coffee cup, I have no idea.


10. Smile smugly and say, “it’s totally worth it.”

It totally is.


Jill Vettel is a writer and a stay at home mom of three in Durham, NC. Her favorite kind of pie is not humble, but key lime. Mmmm pie.

Comments (12)

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Haha. Oh so true so far, and mine is just 6 months old - but I'm fighting the constant talking about her and FB'ing about her.. and doing a pretty good job so far. :)
So very true. It changes EVERYTHING. And it's totally worth it.
No 2, 3, 4 & 8 have so not happened! The rest - totally true! My son is now 3 :)
Lol! Thanks for the great read this morning. They are all true!
Haha I'm only 4 years in and have hit all 10!
I've got number 1 on the way and know that I've violated #5 too many times watching friends and families parent :) We're in trouble haha 
Oh, yeah. I've hit nearly every one of those, and my baby is only 1!
And number 7 is important. You WILL handle it, because really, there is no other choice. Maybe not with grace and ease, but you will handle it. And it is so empowering to realize that you CAN do hard things. Things you never thought you could, things you probably never wanted to do - you can do them if you must. It's what it means to be a mother.
 Very very true! My mantra when my kids were younger was "I don't have to be a perfect parent. I just have to be a good enough parent." My other mantra was "This too shall pass." And happily and sadly much of it has. They are now 9 and 12, not babies anymore. For all the hard times, I miss it.
 My top two "oh my lord I'm my mother" statements are "it's not a choice" and "I can't hear you! If you want to talk to me, come HERE!". Both of which used to infuriate me as a kid.
 All have these have happened to me!
These are super funny, and so true...just a small rant:
I really don't like when people are late.  It's disrespectful to all the other people/kids at the named event.  Huge pet peeve of mine.  Yes, sometimes you will be late.  But ALL THE TIME??  I have 4 kids, 6 & under, including an infant, and I still manage to be on time. 
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