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Mothering › Baby Articles › This Is Our Last Baby I Think

This Is Our Last Baby … I Think

By Jessica Rassette for Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers

 

 

There is nothing better than a baby bundle. A lump of baby all bundled up on your chest with their frog legs curled up underneath them. Chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat, their big fat cheeks covered in drool just begging to be munched on. Yep, nothing is better than a baby bundle.

 

I’ve been doing the baby bundle with our youngest a lot lately. He’s five months old and my baby bundle days are numbered. Any chance I get I grab that boy around his big ol’ belly and squeeze him as close to me as I can. Squeeze and tickle and coo and squeeze and rub his soft face, oh, the squeezes. He has two older brothers he’s been admiring for a while now, and he is just one gutsy, coordinated moment away from crawling after them. I know when that happens he’ll be all “pssht mom, no time for bundling this baby, I’m crawling!”

 

It’s ok, I’ve been through it before, but the hurt is a little more scorching this time. He is our last baby. While we haven’t done anything official to ensure he’s our last one, in my heart, I know. This is it. My husband knows it too, he was after all my biggest cheerleader when I asked my doctor about getting my tubes tied. But in the end I couldn’t go through with it. I gave a really lame excuse, like “I don’t feel qualified to make decisions for my future self.” But really, I am scared of being done making babies. Read more

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I did have my tubes tied with my last baby and highly do NOT recommend it. Waaaaaay too many hormones to deal with on top of realizing it is the.last.baby. In my head, it was the right decision. We very luckily had two babies in our forties. The last baby came a month shy of my turning 44. We definitely should not have any more babies. I knew it then, I know it now. Still, I wish we wouldn't have made it final. Crazy, I know.
I am struggling with this right now.  I've had pretty bad postpartum anxiety and depression after both of my two, and that is a big part of the reason I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have any more, but I want one more.  Or do I?  I don't, I do, I don't, I do.  I can't decide if it's just the baby ache that every mama has once she's done, that I will have forevermore, or if it's a true baby ache that only another baby will fill.  I just. Don't. Know.
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