By Colleen Lowe Smith
My mother has a friend who is psychic. She called me recently to tell me she had a “reading” and that there was a message for me: there is a little boy wanting to come to me. “Aw Mom, stop it!” What I didn’t tell her, as the goosebumps rose, is that I’ve had several dreams of giving birth to a baby boy over the past months.
And I’m so sorry little boy, but I don’t want to be your mom.
ACK! How it kills me to say that! A year ago? Yes, yes, there could have been room for that, yes, I’d always longed for more than one, a girl, a boy, how perfect!
I just turned 44 last week. My husband will soon be 49. I’m just starting to teach a new Montessori pre-school class a couple weeks from now. Cassidy will be in the same school with me, down the hall in a different classroom, and will turn three in November. We’re all set. We’re making it all work financially, our home is just big enough right now.
When I was younger, I always wanted kids. Plural. More than one, maybe even more than two. What I could not have predicted was how long it was going to take to find my husband. I would have never predicted that I would have my first child at 41.
Infancy? Toddlerhood? Again? I could do it, of course, of course I could. But, and I never thought I would say this, I don’t want to.
Yesterday I drove by a house where a teen-aged boy dressed in a suit was outside, with, I presume, his mother. And I definitely was hit with a PANG. But still, my head involuntarily shakes, “no.”
I grapple with the sadness of this choice, and I revel in the truth of my own knowing: I am grateful for all that I have, and that all I have is enough. Still, I find myself talking to my imaginary little boy: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Colleen Lowe Smith lived as a wanderer and Montessori pre-school teacher in ten different states and New Zealand before meeting her husband and landing in rural Massachusetts. Together, they raise their two year old daughter. She also has a 14 year old stepdaughter and 24 year old stepson. Obsessed with higher education, Colleen has an BA in Studio Art, a MA in Interdisciplinary Studies (Human Studies), a MFA in Writing, as well as AMI certifications in Montessori education, and Psychosynthesis, a holistic form of psychotherapy. She currently teaches at an awesome Montessori school where her daughter also attends.