Mothering › Baby Articles › Why Are We Afraid to Admit the Difficulty of Attachment Parenting?

Why Are We Afraid to Admit the Difficulty of Attachment Parenting?

Sarah Clark
By: Sarah Clark
Posted 10/11/12 • Last updated 10/11/12 • 2518 views • 30 comments


Last week I shared a short post here on Mothering Magazine about how attachment parenting can make you crazy.   I have actually posted many times on my personal blog about my difficulties, frustrations, and yes, love of attachment parenting.  How hard this type of parenting (or really ANY type of parenting) is for me is no secret.  I am a mom and sometimes I struggle.


When I share these thoughts on my frustrations with AP the response is overwhelmingly positive.  There are many, many other mothers who struggle as I do.  There are other women who are sleep deprived despite others saying it just “doesn’t last very long”.  It feels like a long time when it has been 5 years of broken sleep people!!  There are other mother’s whose backs sometimes hurt from babywearing.  There are other marriages who don’t thrive with babies in their beds.  And there are simply other moms who have bad days, get overwhelmed, and need a place to vent and somebody to actually HEAR them.


So when I dare to admit that attachment parenting isn’t just roses and rainbows other women respond in droves.  They understand what I am talking about.  It isn’t that they don’t also love attachment parenting, it is just that even though you know something is right and is working, doesn’t mean it is easy all the time.  It doesn’t mean you don’t have to adapt to your situation.


But there are always the critics.


“You just aren’t doing AP right.”


“You don’t understand the fundamentals of attachment parenting.  It requires balance which you don’t get.”


“I don’t know how anybody couldn’t just love co-sleeping.”


“I actually enjoy holding my baby.”


Well….


I have a response for that.


I am actually quite sure that I am in fact NOT doing attachment parenting “right”.  Of all the things in life I do wrong PARENTING is on the top of my list of things I worry about and fail at.  There is a possibility I don’t understand true AP either.  I DO try to balance my needs with those of my children.  But any caring mother will admit that achieving balance (and doing it with out guilt) is DIFFICULT.  Possibly it is the most difficult part of mothering.  I know from other mothers that I am not the only one who struggles with giving so much from our cups that you have nothing leftover for yourself.  There was even a time when I DIDN’T understand why everybody didn’t just adore co-sleeping.  But I have been co-sleeping with at least one (and often more) children for the last eight years and eventually, it does lose some of it’s charm.  And of course, I too enjoy holding and comforting my children.


The problem with the critics who say we shouldn’t even DARE admit the difficulties of attachment parenting is that they HURT MOTHER’S.


Yes.  They do.


When we act like parenting is easy, breezy, and always intuitive and natural and full of rewards we discount the experience of many (if not all) mothers.  Not only that but we further isolate women from one another.  Too many of us are scared to death to admit that we freaking use disposable diapers!  I have seen women APOLOGIZE because they stopped nursing at 18 months or had a hospital birth or used a pacifier.  REALLY?  Do we really have to justify our choices about life and parenting to every stranger we meet?  Do we really need to silently endure the challenges of parenting just to appear perfect?  Just to preserve a facade of perfection for ourselves and our chosen parenting style?


Frankly, I think this is ridiculous and I think it hurts women and I think it makes them feel more lonely, more frustrated, and more insecure.


But I am not afraid.  I will admit that despite the fact that I could be considered a very “attachment parenting” parent, I STRUGGLE.  I don’t love every moment.  I get tired.  I get angry.  I respond badly.  Sometimes I don’t want to be touched.  Sometimes I want to do something selfish.  Sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t sound like something I want to do just now.


I will admit the difficulty of attachment parenting.  I will tell other mother’s that they are NOT ALONE in their struggles.  I won’t pretend that everything is perfect when it isn’t.


Why?  Why would I do this?  Why should you?


Because when we are honest about our struggles with parenting and attachment parenting we build a community that is open, accepting, and much more likely to actually TEACH and HELP other people.  We open our arms to women who are stressed and overwhelmed rather than frowning and mentioning something that we are perfect at that they aren’t.  When we have the courage to admit our imperfections we help each other more than when we pretend.


This doesn’t mean we hate attachment parenting.  It doesn’t mean we let our babies cry all the time or that we circumcise like crazy.  It just means that we are honest that attachment parenting (like all kinds of parenting) has moments of difficulty within the beauty.  We embrace ALL of what it means (yes, sometimes sleepless nights) and not just the stuff that looks shiny and sells.


I can guarantee that our children will also prefer a parent who isn’t afraid to love something despite it’s difficulties.


Speak up.  Be honest.  Admit your struggles.  Somebody else needs to hear your voice.


Sarah Clark is a mother of four children 7 and under.  She writes about motherhood and natural birth at her blog Mama Birth.  She is also a natural birth teacher and is on the board of directors for Birth Boot Camp, a natural birth education company.



Posted by: Sarah Clark

Comments (30)

LCoffee 10/11/12 at 4:56am
Beautifully and honestly written. The balance in all things includes both the dark and light sides, the easy and difficult, the beautiful and ugly. Parenting is all of this and more. Thank you for sharing that.
LisamarieC 10/11/12 at 5:32am
I'll admit it, I'm not always a fan of co-sleeping. I love not having to get up to breastfeed, and the extra snuggles a working mom can get in at night are priceless. But, I also like to roll over sometimes. And, I don't think my head makes a great pillow, but my toddler does :)
Franchelle 10/11/12 at 5:32am
This couldn't have come at a better time. As a mother of a two and four year old who still sleep in my bed (and drive me crazy sometimes), the feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and well, wondering if I'm doing it right sometimes linger. But then a great read like this comes along that shows me that I'm not alone, and this is all the encouragement I need to keep doing what feels right. Thanks
donniesmommie 10/11/12 at 5:41am
This is a beautifully written article.Thank you! I too had a hard time with attachment parenting. I did the home birth, and after the second one I wasn't so judgmental and smug to those who chose to have a c-section or hospital birth. I breast fed but was happy to say "you are done" at one year old. I even home schooled my children for a time then sent them back to a school so that I could refocus on my art career. There are many many ideals I had for the punk rock/hippy/progressive/attached loving mom I thought I wanted to be. But the reality is that to be sane, I need large chunks of personal and psychic space away from my children. I have been dealing with this through a series of art work I call "invisible Mother's Milk". To see more please visit my website: http://artbyellengreene.com I believe we are all better for speaking our truths and acknowledging the truths of others around us. Thank you for speaking yours Sarah!
debib 10/11/12 at 5:42am
thank you.....
Marcie Macari 10/11/12 at 5:42am
Yes! I completely agree with this article. I posted on your previous post as well, but I agree that it's a good life lesson for our kids to see that perfection isn't our goal. I think that's healthy.:) I love most AP things SOME of the time, but I love the closeness of it most of all...and even that is sketchy at 3am after being woken for feedings every hour on the hour by my year old baby girl.:)
Ali Skylar 10/11/12 at 6:47am
Amen! I always say that I love my kids - it's the parenting part that drives me crazy!!! Well done..:)
Adele 10/11/12 at 7:10am
Bravo Sarah for sharing your words. I am exhausted by all of the judges out in the world of parenting. We need to start supporting each other and I mean really supporting each other. No more smiling and nodding and pretending to sympathize when another momma spills her heart out. As an AP family I agree it's tough. I'm tired of my 22 month old taking up the entire bed while my husband and I end up sleeping on the edges waking up exhausted and sore.
Sarah Clark 10/11/12 at 7:25am
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and your honesty. So glad to be part of this community.
Becca Solomon 10/11/12 at 9:13am
I thank you from my heart for this. Ditto what you said and all the other brave and honest women who commented!
mamasnuggle 10/11/12 at 9:49am
Whew. Thank you. This couldn't have come for me at a better time.
Helen 10/11/12 at 9:49am
Great article, couldn't agree more. Attachment parenting is a long-haul committment, and challenging, demanding work. For AP moms employed outside the home, there is an extra helping of AP needed on days off. For AP moms at home, there can be isolation, and no one to share parenting with while their partners are at work, or to hand off the baby to for a few minutes, as in other more family-centered cultures. Our daughter and I talk about motherhood all the time, and how hard it is. We talk about how easy life appears for some women, who seem to have kids with no allergies, who are hardly ever ill, who are not high-need,and intense. They seem to have husbands who are calm , and their own personalities aren't so sensitive either. I'm not saying that they don't connect with their children, just that they have personalities that can tolerate noise better, emotional upheaval better, sleep deprivation better, being around people all the time better. They don't come from families with a tendency to anxiety or mood disorders, or have any inconvenient chronic illnesses. Their lives are just easier. Just recently, our DD discovered that feeding her ten year old anything with tartrazine in it was like giving him uppers, and making him feel ill and unfocused, all at once. In fact, it probably was bothering the whole family. She has changed the whole family's diet, so they are ALL, from youngest to oldest, feeling better, and more easier going. Wouldn't it be wonderful, if she had known about this years ago? Sadly, she didn't. Still, even on the very best days.attachment parenting is a lot of work, even with healthy, easy going family members. Raise your hands, all of you who were not always blessed with those!
martha 10/11/12 at 11:40am
Amen sister! AP is hard. Parenting is hard. And admitting the struggles makes it a more honest and rewarding path.
bluedaisy 10/11/12 at 5:09pm
I practice AP with my almost 4 year old and 8 month old, and 3 months ago I moved from the US to a country where affordable full time household help is the norm and community is emphasized. I cannot believe how much it has affected me as a mother just to be around other people more. When I lived in the US, I spent a large amount of time at home with my kids alone - now, there is almost always at least one other adult present. It makes such a huge difference to have community and help with the day to day household tasks and mothering. I am very convinced that AP is the most natural and healthy way to raise children, but I really don't think we were meant to do it alone and it IS a struggle sometimes as you point out to respond effectively to the needs of young children and enjoy it, especially when we don't have support as mothers. I wish we had more avenues in the US for living in community and supporting young mothers, and if we as mothers had more support I think it would be so much easier to find more joy and less struggle in practicing AP.
Cartside 10/11/12 at 5:54pm
Thank you for this, it comes very timely. I find it very hard at present too, I love holding my kids but one doesn't let go at all at the moment and there are times when it is difficult.
Ellie 10/11/12 at 9:43pm
Too right! I had a hospital birth, that doesn't make me a bad person! I think a lot of that stuff is becoming a fashion statement rather than a choice that actually benefits parents and children.
rachel 10/11/12 at 10:04pm
I agree. This sits within a wider context as well though and that is that ALL life is hard at times. We seem to have been sold the idea that if only be buy a,b,c or believe x,y,z life will be easy and that our lives are only hard if we fail to achieve these ideals. From school to work to society at large, difficulty is seen as failure and to be avoided at all costs. If we consider life as an ebb and flow of energy rather than a consistent upward trajectory we might all be a bit less unwilling to talk about the hard times when we need help and support.
breanna 10/12/12 at 2:19am
i truely enjoyed every word! I completely agree with helping other mothers rather than look down upon them. Also wanted to say that its wonderful to hear "im not the only one" who has gotten tired. Your encouragment to other mothers is a blessing! Thank you for your precious time and honesty to write such a beautiful article
littletravelers 10/12/12 at 12:04pm
It's funny because I've never been drawn to AP parenting- at all... Did i homebirth, co-sleep, let them nurse till they weaned, wear them and not vaccinate? yup. But AP, not so much. I tried a few groups, but they didn't fit for me. I'm not Christian so it wasn't that the AP peeps were 'too out there for me.' I'm as 'out there' as they get. But it just was never a fit. I homebirthed because i don't like hospitals, co-slept because i lived in asia and that's what most of the world does and it just felt better to me, didn't vaccinate because the science. we've unschooled, homeschooled and waldorf schooled- so the AP crowd is always around me, yet i have never been drawn to the label - at all! Since i really want to raise independent children, not attached children. maybe that was my whole aversion. But what i find most in the community is parenting as a dogma and that never sits well with me. and more importantly, i found the majority were really practicing permissive parenting- and there's a good 50 yrs of research on the outcomes of permissive and indulgent parenting and they are not at all favorable. and i also found a lot of frustrated, whiney children and overwhelmed mums with a very diminished set of personal boundaries in those groups, which again, was not such a great fit for me. Just because I allow my child to nurse when she is ready, doesn't mean I allow her to hit, grope or 'demand' it by screaming at me. So, perhaps it's just dropping the label of what AP is and going with your own gut on each individual subject and that way there is not expectation to live up to. Whenever asked, I always respond, 'No, I'm not AP' Once they know i'm NOT AP it seems we can have a fresh conversation. They make all sorts of assumptions about me at first, like I must let my children cry and yell at them or hit them all the time, etc. But as the conversation continues, if they're really interested they will find out that I 'do' many of the AP parenting things, but since i'm not AP, there is no 'perfect AP standard' i am or am not living up to. I guess it comes down to really not liking labels or feeling locked into a dogma of any sort... at all.
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