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Working the Work of Motherhood

Mama RenewMelanie Mayo
By: Mama Renew and Melanie Mayo
Posted 4/11/11 • Last updated 1/25/13 • 66 views • 10 comments

Sarah Juliusson


Today I received an email from a woman concerned about the use of the phrase “working mother” for a Mama Renew group we are hosting for mothers who work “outside” of the home. Here is my response – and I welcome your thoughts and perspective as well. This is not an easy topic!


To Mama Renew,


Re: Offering a Mama Renew group for “working mothers”


er … all mothers are working mothers.


I don’t draw any distinction between paid or unpaid in my definition of working or not. Most mothers are working unsalaried in roles which prop up the rest of society and don’t deserve being classified as non-working. It is definitely a tricky classification but getting it wrong risks alienating a whole section of women who are mothers.


My response:


Agreed! The work of motherhood is real, and the lack of economic recognition of women’s contribution to society as mothers is a major issue.


Thank you for writing – I struggled with how to phrase this over & over again, seeking to phrase it in a way that would honor the very real work that we All do as mothers. While I could have denoted “mothers who work outside of the home”, this phrase suggests that those of us who are self-employed and work from home, are not “working” or do not have “real jobs” – and in today’s marketplace self-employment – both part & full-time – is a major component of women in the work-force. Adding to the complexity is those of us on mat-leave or between jobs, struggling to discern the next best step as women and mothers. Our culture has not yet allowed for language that can capture the essence of women’s work – within and outside of the home.


I am writing this as a woman who has been self-employed and worked 20 – 40 hours a week from home on my business throughout the 9 years of my children’s lives, while also managing to be at home with them full-time. From the perspective of a mom who has worked “outside” the home, I am aware that mothers who are balancing “outside” work & the work of motherhood do have unique perspectives on the themes that Mama Renew addresses, and thrive when they can be in a circle of women struggling with some of the same questions.


For many women who return to their employment after having children, there is a sense of isolation that emerges – we go to work, we go home, and opportunities for building community with other mothers can be hard to come by. This upcoming Mama Renew group was organized on the special request of a few mothers who do work full-time outside of the home and were feeling a strong need for community with others facing similar questions.


Words are powerful, and can hold very different meanings depending on the reader. Interestingly, while we can all agree on the very real work of motherhood, just as the phrase “working mother” can be alienating to some mothers who work within the home, phrasing all mothers as “working mothers” can also be alienating to those women who are employed outside of the home and do not see their reality accurately reflected in the wider use of the phrase.


I wish I had an easy answer. I wish our society had better ways to acknowledge and support the work of motherhood, as well as the experience of those of us who are employed beyond the work of motherhood. I wish there were economic recognition both of the work of motherhood, and to support women who either choose or need to work “outside” of the home with quality daycare options and flexible schedules and job-shares. Mama Renew was created to nurture each of us in our unique journey – with the hope that taking some time & gaining perspective on our lives and choices we can all move forward in a way that truly honors who we are and nurtures our families.


***************


Gratitude to the woman who took the time to share her thoughts. I now invite all of you to enter into this conversation. What is your experience of the term “working mother”? I also welcome any further suggestions you may have on phrasing that would better honor the full spectrum of the work of motherhood.


Blessings,


Sarah


 


 



Mama Renew

About Sarah Juliusson

Sarah Juliusson, founder of Mama Renew, is a gifted facilitator and writer on the journey of birth & motherhood. She brings two decades of experience supporting families through pregnancy, birth and motherhood to her work. Sarah is mother to two growing boys, a playful crafter with cloth & wool, student of traditional food preservation, and a diva at heart. Join the conversation on http://www.mamarenew.ca & on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/mamarenew

 


Posted by: Mama Renew

Comments (10)

melody 4/13/11 at 8:26am
i love her comments and i love your response. such a tricky, but important issue to examine.
Penny in Texas 4/13/11 at 8:27am
I find "employed mother" a better phrase than working mother, because it avoids the baggage of whether unpaid domestic labor is or is not work. However it doesn't adequately encompass many situations, such as those involving separation but not remuneration (e.g., mothers who are students, or perhaps very active outside-the-home volunteers) or those that involve remuneration without separation (WAHMs or mothers who bring their children to their place of employment). My experience is that the biggest real distinction is whether the mother identifies primarily with her mothering role or with her role outside the home (whatever it may be). How does she answer the question "and what do you do?" Personally, I get less offended by the use of "working mother" to mean only paid work outside the home than I am by the blanket assumption that every mother who is paid for her labor needs day care or uses bottles, or has the sorts of political interests usually ascribed to "working mothers." I weave paid employment around my family, work from home, schedule outside-the-home obligations when dad or older siblings are around to care for young ones, or have taken children to work. My full-time work is mothering. And while no one can ever "clock out" of parenting the way one can clock out of work, there is a distinction between those whose full-time work is parenting and those for whom hands-on parenting is the part-time endeavor.
Mama Renew 4/13/11 at 10:26am
Hi Penny, thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure about your distinction around self-identification. I know that for myself my personal inner definition is #1 as mother, even though I very much work full-time. If someone asks what I do, a tumble of answers come forward in my mind, and I never know which to bring forward first - mothering, my businesses, the farm,... While my hands-on-parenting is no longer 24 hours with the boys in grade school, my heart is parenting them 24/7.
amy 4/13/11 at 11:40am
I agree the phrase "working mother" gets under my skin. Not sure I have a better wording, I'm not much on the labels, I dont like SAHM either. We are each so unique in how we juggle motherhood around our other interest/hobbies/causes/jobs. I know very few women who have only being a mother on the resume, and yet many if them are labeled SAHM and often are stereo-typed as living this mundane life that involves a lot of staying home, not typically the case. I, for one, "work" many hours outside the home as a birth advocate. I receive no pay for this, and often little validation. I spend very little time at home actually, between my outside interest, playdates, fieldtrips, and other volunteer works I'm able to do as a "SAHM". I rarely sit down in a sixteen hour day, and yet I have friends who work full time outside the home who use my label as a "SAHM" to feel somehow separated from me. In my eyes we are all working, we are all home with our families as much as possible, we are all under appreciated and underpaid for what we do. I think many mothers would answer the question "what do you do" with more than one answer. Not sure if my insight helped, I just think mothers should unite and respect each other regardless. We all deserve and need community. Sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone.
paige rien 4/13/11 at 11:47am
Such a tough topic indeed and so loaded. What comes up for immediately is the derision and lack of support between women who make difference choices. I hate that mothers who have jobs in addition to being mothers can often have less than positive views of mothers whose primary work is that of child + home care, and most certainly, vice versa - it is ignorant and shameful that women who choose not to be in a career other than their children judge others who are as "less than." I've done it all - worked outside the home for 16hr days on set, stayed home full-time, and spent most of my time somewhere in between - balancing and nurturing a career I'll return to with more vigor later in life, and doing what my heart tells me to do very clearly, which we can luckily afford to do - be with my little guys as much as possible. Words do fail here. "Work" is different for so many women - for some it puts food on the table - for others, it makes one's heart sing, i.e., creative work, for others, both. I actually see mothering as what is - so much more than "work" can connote - work is involved, but it's a hell of a lot more than just work. When someone else cares for your child - they are "at work" - when you care for your own child, it's more than "work" - it's who you are, and it's the path that you chose and either accept, enjoy or muddle through.
andrea 4/13/11 at 1:25pm
I have never been too entirely attached to either label. I have 4 children and have gone through different phases; working full-time, working from home, working part-time nights, working part-time days. I have seen and heard from both "stay-at-home" moms and "working moms". One of my various jobs is as a home daycare provider (retiring this fall). I'm reminded of the tiffs with the terminology like 'babysitter', 'teacher', 'caregiver'. You know what I've learned....whatever and however you do it, whatever you prefer to be called...you have a child in your life. Having a child in your life requires love and energy beyond limits. I also think that there is too much emphasize that staying home is 'better'. Not always the case. I have seen children who would be much 'better off' spending at least a little time with another caregiver. Children need to realize that it's o.k. to trust other adults. And adults need to realize that it's o.k. to share their children with other adults. Anyone who envies me for being home during the day with my kids must realize that I sacrifice their needs at times for other children in my care. Fortunately my mother watches my children when I need ..but that there are days that I would gladly pay someone else to spend the day with one or more of them. I have seen women feel guilt about being a 'working mom', but many times this is a single mother talking...what else is her option? I suppose whats got many women worked up is the choice or lack of choice in the matter.
felicity 4/13/11 at 9:54pm
Of course parenting requires work. Is anyone who uses the phrase "Working mother" trying to imply it doesn't? Of course not. It's just a shorthand way of labeling "female parents having some kind of occupational pursuit for income." It's not meant to diminish or even comment on the work parents do parenting.
Mama Renew 4/13/11 at 11:32pm
that's some amazing typing for being on your phone!
Mama Renew 4/13/11 at 11:41pm
As I read all the comments here and on the mothering facebook page I find myself wondering about the judgment aspect. We talk of the judgment we experience from "SAHM" about being "mothers paid for their work", we talk of the judgment that "mothers paid for their work" show towards "SAHM". Both of these are real, I have witnessed them many a time. Still, there is another layer of judgment to consider here - the one so many of us hold within. For example, i had always wanted to be 100% home with the kids in the early years - and once I was there, discovered that I still needed my work to be healthy as a mother. My own internal judgment around this was Huge, not to mention the guilt of not being the idealized stay at home mother image i had in my head, and the guilt of the hours away from them.
The BabbyMama 4/14/11 at 7:57am
To me "work" is something you do because you have to or you're dedicated to a career. I have worked since two days after my six week early preemie was born, first editing in between NICU visits, then writing and editing at home, and now two years later, because I have to at the moment, outside of the home. That is work. Work is going to a job, maintaining a career, doing what you have to do to make ends meet. To call the time I spend keeping my home or the time I spend with my child "work" absolutely dishonors those activities. Would I call spending time with my husband work? Absolutely not. So why would some people label the time I spend with my child work? I *take care* of my home, my child, my husband. It's what I want to do, not what I have to do. And there's a big difference between doing what one wants to do (for me: being home with my child) and doing what you don't want to do because you have to (for me: going to an office). That's just my personal definition of "work," however.

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