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Brother's fiance said breastfeeding inappropriate

9K views 145 replies 69 participants last post by  User101 
#1 ·
This is the only place I know to vent and find support and suggestions. My brother is engaged to a woman that our family is not particularly fond of. I only say that because the story I'm about to explain is the icing on the cake for me. I have tried and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but now she has attacked me.

My DH and I went over to my brother's house (she lives there) for dinner fr the first time. We arrived before the fiance got home from work. While there I nursed my LO in the living room. Nothing was said to me, apparently my brother deliberatly left the room then, but I didn't notice. Later when the fiance arrived home from work we had dinner and went back into the living room for conversation. I began to nurse baby again and the fiance politely offered me a blanket. I politely said no thank you, thinking she was just being nice. Well, she responded by saying "Yes, you do" with a facial expression that showed exactly what she meant. I said "No, I'm already covered" (because I was, my large t-shirt and sweater hid everything from view. My sweater was already hanging in my baby's face. So she continues to say that as long as we're in the same room then i need to cover her. So I said "what, you need her body covered?" And she insisted yes. I immediately decided to leave because I was not going to let some woman tell me how to feed my child and I was obviously angry.

The next day I emailed my brother to explain to him why I had to leave abruptly and why this was such an important matter to me. I wanted to share with him how I felt without getting angry. He then called me and proceeds to yell at me insisting that "breastfeeding is inappropriate" and they did nothing wrong. I was the one that was so rude for leaving.

I just got another email from his fiance insisting that covering up is "common courtesy" - still nothing even close to sympathy or an apology from her. She wants to "drop it"and move on because she's "said her peace".

I know it's hard to retell whole events like this but I don't feel like i can drop it so easily. As far as their concerned I should cover up everytime I'm in their house. I believe that this is a much bigger issue than their opinion that it's "inappropriate"....i just don't understand that word. As a Christian, I want to forgive, but they weren't even willing to listen to my feelings. Am I supposed to tiptoe around my family everytime we have a get together because she doesn't like it. I think our family should be the one group that we feel comfortable breastfeeding around.
 
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#127 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by tashaharney View Post
totally OT but

i love that sleepsack thingy. i have one and it is soooo nice and warm and comfy.

but it's definitely not for nursing, as if you try to open it to latch on, your entire chest and not just one side or the other, will be exposed. and then you get
:
No, I meant she should offer it to the SIL to wear when she eats.
 
#130 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by purple_kangaroo View Post

In any case, I think it is extremely rude and inconsiderate of me to subject another person to an uncomfortable situation I'm forcing them to remain in just because I think I have the "right" to do whatever I want wherever I want to do it.
Yes indeed. One of the attitudes that has impaired the spread of breastfeeding and the general acceptance of breastfeeding is precisely the holier-than-thou attitude you've put your finger on here: the idea that one's own desires to "do whatever I want wherever I want" supersedes anyone else's right to control what happens in their own house.

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In any situation where I'm making someone uncomfortable, and it's far easier for me to change what I'm doing or go somewhere else than it would be for them to leave the situation, I would at least make an effort within reason to adjust my own actions to accommodate their comfort. It wouldn't matter who "owned" the place.
But see, that reasoning makes no sense if you believe that you're supremely important, or at least that your desires outweigh those of others. That is, until they attempt to do something that you find objectionable in your house. Then, of course, the reaction would be quite different.

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I don't think I'm the most important person on earth, and therefore in a situation where two people's desires or needs are coming into conflict, both people's needs and desires should be considered unless there is some kind of emergency or dire need on one side and not on the other.
Agreed -- and the routine feeding of a baby, particularly when all the OP had to do was cover up that routine feeding or go elsewhere, not even skip that feeding (as some people implied) or let her baby die of starvation (as was suggested by previous posters) -- is certainly not "dire need" by anyone's estimation. Sorry, anyone's reasonable estimation.

Quote:
This whole "I don't have to consider anyone else's comfort level even IN THEIR OWN HOME because breastfeeding is sacred and therefore I should be able to do it HOWEVER I want any time I want" stems from the basic idea that my right to not have to cover my baby or move to a different spot in the room or house while nursing is more important than their right not to be cornered in an uncomfortable (for them) situation they can't escape.
Well said.

Quote:

Again, nursing the baby is a need. Nursing the baby in direct view of someone who is uncomfortable when the mom could easily provide some sort of visual barrier or reposition herself is (at least in the majority of situations) a preference, not a need.

If it is not terribly difficult for her to do so, I think the mom should set aside her preference to accommodate the greater need of the person whose home she is in, since they have nowhere else to go and she does.
Awesome. You said it.
 
#131 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Meg Murry. View Post
Yes indeed. One of the attitudes that has impaired the spread of breastfeeding and the general acceptance of breastfeeding is precisely the holier-than-thou attitude you've put your finger on here: the idea that one's own desires to "do whatever I want wherever I want" supersedes anyone else's right to control what happens in their own house.

just wanted to reiterate that we are talking about FEEDING a BABY.

not "doing whatever i want wherever i want."



why should the expectation be placed on the nursing mom to accommodate everyone else? if you're offended and your eyes and legs work, either look away or walk away. why force YOUR objection on a mother who is just trying to care for her child? is it because you feel like you have the power and control to do so if she happens to be sitting on YOUR couch?
 
#133 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Meg Murry. View Post
Agreed -- and the routine feeding of a baby, particularly when all the OP had to do was cover up that routine feeding or go elsewhere, not even skip that feeding (as some people implied) or let her baby die of starvation (as was suggested by previous posters) -- is certainly not "dire need" by anyone's estimation. Sorry, anyone's reasonable estimation.

Awesome. You said it.



I can't believe that someone would call those views "awesome" on this board.


The OP happened to be covered. Actual nipple to mouth contact was not visible. The hostess wanted the baby covered head to toe so that the OP merely looked fat and not that there was a baby breastfeeding under that shirt. So it is not always the "view" that is "offensive", but the mere knowledge that breastfeeding is occurring.

The SIL was not reasonable.
 
#134 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Meg Murry. View Post
I can't believe "Don't respect other people's rights in their own home" is being defended ANYWHERE.
are you unaware of the right that women have to breastfeed anywhere that they are in most states?
 
#135 ·
I believe that once you INVITE a mother and her nursling into your home, you can no longer fall back on the ludicrious assumptions of property rights to establish restrictive boundaries that could result in depriving a nursling of the right to eat.

No one has the right to create an environment that is hostile to children even if it is in their own home. The continued reliance on "rights" to defend the practices of individuals who are creating hostile environments for women and children is simplistic and really troubling to me.

Edited to say that I think "ludicrous" may be misplaced up there, BUT rights to privacy/property are pretty ludicrous if it means depriving a nursling of the right to eat.
 
#136 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ruhbehka View Post
I am still at MDC, right??


Just checking...


No one seems to have mentioned yet that many states use the wording "anywhere that the mother has the right to be" is somewhere she may nurse her baby.

So that in essence, she does have the right to nurse her LO in someone else's home, unless they are revoking her right to be there (kicking her out).

Meat eating and smoking are not protected by the same legal wording.
It is not a right to be in someone else's home. It is a privilege. The laws also generally apply to public places, not private residences. You have the right to be in public places.
 
#138 ·
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Originally Posted by mimiharshe View Post


i basically give up.. i cant believe that i am having this convo on MDC.
 
#141 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cognito View Post
It is not a right to be in someone else's home. It is a privilege. The laws also generally apply to public places, not private residences. You have the right to be in public places.
And most stores and restaurants are privately owned. Slippery slope argument you're making --- lawyers can and have made similar defenses for civil rights violations being 'legal' in a privately owned establishment.


The bottom line:
a. Breastfeeding is recommended for a *minimum* of the first year of an infant's life, due to the risk factors that NOT breastfeeding introduces for both mothers and their infants.

2. Every major medical or health organization has issued some sort of statement to the above effect (and some have a *minimum* of two years, not one).

3. If a mother (whether she's known to be nursing or not) is invited into one's home, one should expect that said mother will need to feed her child while she's there. If you know she nurses, you should realize she may need to nurse her child while there. If you don't want that, don't invite her. Period.

4. Once she's there, to tell her she can't nurse is rude and ill-informed. The mother usually explains the reasons that bf is right for her/child, and in fact ALL infants. For a host(ess) to refuse is similar to a host(ess) refusing to allow a diabetic to check their blood insulin; or refusing to allow a 4 year old to use the bathroom.

5. Even the "Miss Manners" type books note that an infant under the age of 1 should be considered the same as the mother in terms of invitations to events etc.

The persons being rude are the host(esses) who are trying to forbid a mother from feeding her child. OR who expect the mother to go to great lengths to 'hide' a perfectly normal, healthy, and desirable situation (desirable as in "medically recommended"

To clarify for those who disagree -- I sincerely doubt that any of the posters who are arguing that mothers should be able to nurse anywhere they or their babies have a right to be, are arguing that to do so, one must remove all their clothing and do a lap dance on the hostess' lap. These situations usually go down with the bf mother trying desperately to explain her position and mend fences politely while holding her ground.
While being told that she is disgusting, reprehensible, and possibly permanently damaging her child while offending everyone on the planet.
 
#142 ·
The OP's SIL may in fact have a "legal" right to her "private property rights", whatever that means, but it was still rude and disprespectful for her to invite a nursing pair and expect them to follow HER guidelines about breastfeeding. JMHO.
How would you feel if YOU (generic) were nursing at someone's house and was asked to cover more than is comfortable for you? I mean really, cover the whole BABY! Seriously! It implies that there is something shameful to be hidden about breastfeeding and THAT thought is the thought that is the real issue here. Its not about PROPERTY RIGHTS! Its about her SIL passing judgement on the OP and then pushing her beliefs about breastfeeding onto the nursing mother. Who cares if they were in her house or the park! The SIL put her own uncomfortable feelings about breastfeeding in front of the feelings of the nursing mother and her child who were so plainly doing something NORMAL! FEEDING A BABY! Whether or not she has the right to ask her to cover up in her own house is BESIDE THE POINT!
I, too can't believe this is being debated to this extent.
The OP came here for support because she was mistreated by another human being, her feelings were hurt, and she needed to vent. I am willing to bet she didn't start this thread to spark the debate we have now. I have been following this thread since the beginning and I just want to cry. Why is breastfeeding seen as such a shameful thing we would be asked to COVER UP the fact that we are feeding our children the way nature intended! It is EASIER for the person feeling uncomfortable to look away or pick up their knitting and distract themselves than it is to pick on a new nursing mom who is already probably sleep deprived, emotional, and already GIVING so much of herself to the baby! Motherhood is a SACRED thing, and I am willing to defend it to make sure it stays that way.
 
#143 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by gentleearthmama View Post
The OP's SIL may in fact have a "legal" right to her "private property rights", whatever that means, but it was still rude and disprespectful for her to invite a nursing pair and expect them to follow HER guidelines about breastfeeding. JMHO.
How would you feel if YOU (generic) were nursing at someone's house and was asked to cover more than is comfortable for you? I mean really, cover the whole BABY! Seriously! It implies that there is something shameful to be hidden about breastfeeding and THAT thought is the thought that is the real issue here. Its not about PROPERTY RIGHTS! Its about her SIL passing judgement on the OP and then pushing her beliefs about breastfeeding onto the nursing mother. Who cares if they were in her house or the park! The SIL put her own uncomfortable feelings about breastfeeding in front of the feelings of the nursing mother and her child who were so plainly doing something NORMAL! FEEDING A BABY! Whether or not she has the right to ask her to cover up in her own house is BESIDE THE POINT!
I, too can't believe this is being debated to this extent.
The OP came here for support because she was mistreated by another human being, her feelings were hurt, and she needed to vent. I am willing to bet she didn't start this thread to spark the debate we have now. I have been following this thread since the beginning and I just want to cry. Why is breastfeeding seen as such a shameful thing we would be asked to COVER UP the fact that we are feeding our children the way nature intended! It is EASIER for the person feeling uncomfortable to look away or pick up their knitting and distract themselves than it is to pick on a new nursing mom who is already probably sleep deprived, emotional, and already GIVING so much of herself to the baby! Motherhood is a SACRED thing, and I am willing to defend it to make sure it stays that way.
apparently motherhood and feeding a baby is only sacred when it isnt impeding on someone else's rights or someone else home...
 
#144 ·
Um, who on earth is arguing that the brother and SIL were anything other than boorish louts with manners that would be deemed crass by ravening sharks?

I thought the issue here was whether the OP was right to leave instead of fighting them. It looks like a debate between the two ideas:
1. Feeding a baby is a right and it is vital that it is recognized as normal and appropriate in all situations and therefore you must not back down and leave when someone says not to nurse in their home.

2. Feeding a baby is a right and it is vital that is recognized as normal and appropriate in all situations, but people who are obsessive about it being done in their home aren't rational enough to be educated and you should leave them to their petty paranoia and not go back until they show signs of having a brain.

No one is defending the UA violations who made the OP leave. We're defending her choice to leave.
 
#145 ·
I'm sorry, maybe I should reread this thread. (but its long and I am not going to!) Maybe I am reading too much between the lines.
I thought the OP's sister in law asked her to cover the whole baby, not that she asked her to leave. I thought it was the OP's choice to leave. I probably would have done the same thing, not because I respected her "property rights" but because I would have felt so hurt and bewildered that a future family member was treating me so unfairly. In fact, I probably would have tried to have a reasonable conversation with her about bf-ing first, then left crying with the baby still latched on the my breast if she wouldn't hear me out. I guess my point was that this story of an interaction between two human beings involving fear, anger, frustration, misunderstandings and hurt feelings has turned into a legal debate.
Whether or not she had the "right" to stay and continue nursing has more to do with the OP's comfort level than anything else. I personally would feel upset because the peaceful, nurturing environment I need to nurse in had been disrupted by the hostess herself and wouldn't WANT to subject my family to any more of her negative energy. BUT, if I was feeling super strong and fiery and had chose to stay and feed my baby anyways, that would be my choice and if she asked me to leave, fine, I would, as soon as the baby was done nursing. IF she took me to court for violating her private personal property rights (okay, again, reading between the lines again since this is now a legal debate) I don't know what the outcome would be. I sure hope if any of you all were on the jury, you'd see that the right of the child needing to eat and the right of the mother to dress and feed as she wishes as more important than the fact that the situation occured at the SIL's house.
Okay, flame away!
 
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