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Please help-post 15-he's at it again.-update 80, 96

9K views 118 replies 46 participants last post by  MG01 
#1 ·
Ex has just informed me that he's going to be keeping ds until 7pm tonight. Our court order has him keeping ds until 3pm, at which time we meet and exchange ds. I told him that bedtime was unacceptable because we meet 2 hours (half-way) away from my house and tomorrow is a work/daycare day. Plus I haven't seen ds (or nursed him! Ouch!) in two days and I'd like to have some of my own time before bed. He said that He'll be there at 7 no matter what, and that's his right as ds' parent.

I called the police to get their input and they said this is a civil issue and all I can do is file papers to the court because he will be in contempt of orders.

Is there anything I can do? It's 17 degrees outside and will just get colder as night falls. I'm extremely upset that he's doing this. Part of me is inclined to just not show up. Then he'll have to either a) drive ds to my house and save me the gas or b) keep ds and violate the order even further (which he wouldn't do because he has to work and has no childcare tomorrow.)

Suggestions?
 
#79 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by WatermelonSnow View Post
TearyCloud, just know that by pulling this stunt on what has become a weekly basis is going to sink his ship fast. DO NOT sink to his level. Stick to the letter of the order, and keep your own nose clean. In the long run, this will reflect positively on you and negatively on him. But only if you do everything through the proper channels.
Yes, this. Please update - I hope your ds is doing well.

When people get invovled in court actions, whether those are family law or some other kind of court situation, they almost always fail to take into consideration the perspective of the judge and any other "neutral" party such as a GAL. While as a person invovled, you are very upset, and as a parent, you are very upset - as a party in a legal dispute, you have to be calm, collected, and rational. You want to appear responsible, conforming to the rules set out, and reasonable. These are very important things if you want a chance of things going your way.

What your ex has done is unacceptable, per the court order. The place to handle that is in court. You've done all the right things so far: Obeyed the order by handing ds over when required; filed a police report when ds was not returned on time; and have emails documenting your refusal to agree to a modification of the agreement. You need to continue in this manner. It may take a bit more time, and it may be uncomfortable for your ds in the short-term, but in the long term you will have more rights and you will have a court file that shows that you have been consistent, reasonable, and fair, while your ex has been the opposite. Work towards that goal. That pattern will give you more power in these proceedings.

You've gotten some really good advice and some really awful (but well-meaning) advice. Hopefully you can see which is which! Follow the rules. Contact your attorney. Document everything. Hugs to you and your ds! I would be terribly upset by this situation, too, but for your ds' sake, you need to really keep a cool head when dealing with the legal aspects of this situation.
 
#80 ·
Thank you everyone for the suggestions, hugs and caring.

I picked up ds on Sunday morning. He looked at me with a straight face for about a full minute and then started sobbing like a little baby, burying his head in my neck and begging to nurse. Ds took a four hour nap on Sunday after getting home, so I assume he didn't sleep well at night (usually his naps are about an hour and a half).

I emailed my attorney yesterday and told her about how I filed a police report, how he refused to return ds, etc... She doesn't want to bother doing anything because she thinks the courts would have let him keep ds that long anyway. I think that is besides the point--he VIOLATED a court order, and that's setting a very big precedent. I can't change attorney's this late in the game- I have talked to others and they won't take me with trial coming up. I left a message with the GAL both Thursday (Christmas) and Friday, but I still haven't heard from her.

The GAL is supposed to be filing an interim report by this coming Friday, but she hasn't interviewed anyone, nor has she come to see ds' behavior after these visits. She was supposed to interview DCP and ped. and no one has heard from her. I frankly can't believe she didn't call me back, and I'm pissed off that she's filing a report without getting information. Suggestions welcome.
 
#81 ·
whew!!! i have been checking in regularly looking for your update.

man i am so mad to hear all this. so he violates a court order and the lawyer seems ok with it?!!! i am hopping mad. i wonder if the judge is going to see it that way too. shit probably ur ex knows it too and therefore can pull off such stunts.

and now GAL didnt call.
:

i have no suggestions. poor baby. his response to seeing you was so heart wrenching. i dont know what to say.
 
#82 ·
Someone please help op with legal advice!, my heart is broken for you! I wish I had advice myself--I totally don't. Your son is lucky to have a mom who loves him and cares about him as much as you do. I REALLY HOPE that you get the proper legal representation that you deserve because I just can't believe that what happened to you and your son is acceptable. Go forward into the new year with love and commitment to turning this situation around.
 
#83 ·
I wonder if you could file contempt on your own without your attorney. I think you should at least insist that your attorney bring this to the attention of the judge, and you can write it into your declarations and attach your documentation. I think is is a big deal when someone decides they don't need to follow court orders.
 
#84 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
I emailed my attorney yesterday and told her about how I filed a police report, how he refused to return ds, etc... She doesn't want to bother doing anything because she thinks the courts would have let him keep ds that long anyway. I think that is besides the point--he VIOLATED a court order, and that's setting a very big precedent. I can't change attorney's this late in the game- I have talked to others and they won't take me with trial coming up. I left a message with the GAL both Thursday (Christmas) and Friday, but I still haven't heard from her.
The part I bolded above is absolutely ridiculous, and I'm an attorney myself so I think I can call bs quite easily in this case.

You need to speak to your attorney in person, no more emails, and be much more forceful with her to advocate on your behalf. Because that's what you are paying her to do in the first place, you are the client, she works for you, and she needs to do a whole lot more than simply take your money and then sit on her hands. (Sorry to get so fired up here, but it drives me nuts when others in my profession seem to lose sight of things like how to treat their clients properly and how to do their darn jobs for pete's sake!)

As I'm sure you know, the court put that order in place with the intention that it be followed not just in spirit but to the letter. Your attorney is correct that the judge will be more inclined to let your ex expand visitation, but ONLY if you let this precedent stand unopposed. You would have very sound legal ground upon which to stand if you pursued a motion to find your ex in contempt of that order, and even your attorney's laziness and lack of motivation won't change that.

I can't stress this enough here, you really need to go see your attorney in person (like yesterday) and have a stern discussion with her about how she WILL do her job (that is, advocating for you and your son) properly, professionally and zealously from this point forward. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the most attention!
 
#85 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
Thank you everyone for the suggestions, hugs and caring.

I picked up ds on Sunday morning. He looked at me with a straight face for about a full minute and then started sobbing like a little baby, burying his head in my neck and begging to nurse. Ds took a four hour nap on Sunday after getting home, so I assume he didn't sleep well at night (usually his naps are about an hour and a half).

I emailed my attorney yesterday and told her about how I filed a police report, how he refused to return ds, etc... She doesn't want to bother doing anything because she thinks the courts would have let him keep ds that long anyway. I think that is besides the point--he VIOLATED a court order, and that's setting a very big precedent. I can't change attorney's this late in the game- I have talked to others and they won't take me with trial coming up. I left a message with the GAL both Thursday (Christmas) and Friday, but I still haven't heard from her.

The GAL is supposed to be filing an interim report by this coming Friday, but she hasn't interviewed anyone, nor has she come to see ds' behavior after these visits. She was supposed to interview DCP and ped. and no one has heard from her. I frankly can't believe she didn't call me back, and I'm pissed off that she's filing a report without getting information. Suggestions welcome.
ITA with Lolagirl. What a load of crock! I can't believe your attorney would take that kind of attitude...
I have no good advice, but I hope things come out your way during the trial proceedings.
 
#86 ·
I agree with Lolagirl as well. Your ex is in contempt. Period. To not document it fully would show the judge that you ARE okay with expanded visitation. Your attorney works for YOU, not the other way around. Knowing that he did this against a court order, if your attorney refuses to file for contempt, I would imagine that that would be grounds for legal malpractice. (I am not an attorney, btw.)

My attorney sometimes advises me against certain things, gives me advice, but *I* ultimately make the final decision. If I ask him to file something for me, he darn well better file it. He doesn't get paid hundreds of dollars an hour to tell me that the courts would allow it anyway. I know family court is a mess, but GEEZ.

What does your attorney suggest you do if your ex pulls a stunt like this again? What if, the next time, he doesn't return ds for two weeks?

As far as the GAL, I'm in the process of a legal malpractice suit against the one that represented my daughter in a CPS case, for some of the same reasons that you stated that your GAL is doing. Look up the GAL guidelines for your state, and if she isn't following them, call your attorney, read off the guidelines, and ask that she object to the submission of a report.

You can delay the trial if you are changing attorneys, by the way.
 
#87 ·
Yes, I agree. Go and stand in her office and make her file, and if she point-blank refuses, sue her for malpractice, and either find someone else to file the motion or file it yourself. You can't let this go.

See what you can do about delaying the trial and changing attorneys. You have a lazy one.

And I agree, look up the GAL guidelines, staple them to your lawyer, and have the lawyer send a letter reminding the GAL of her duties. Then get that new lawyer asap.

Meanwhile, stay very, very calm in your dealings with the GAL.
 
#88 ·
A friend of mine had an ex who did this to her and she handled it by having the GAL do the handoffs. That way, if he didn't return the children at the proper time, the police would be after him right away. He didn't like those rules and hasn't seen his kids in over 3yrs because of it. She refuses to budge because she knows that his mother (exmil) would try to kidnap the kids if it weren't criminal not to return them. She actually did it to her other grandkids and got full custody by kidnapping them and refusing to return them.

Anyway, I wonder if you can do the same thing with the GAL doing dropoffs and pickups.

I'm so angry that you're being bullied by him.
 
#89 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
I emailed my attorney yesterday and told her about how I filed a police report, how he refused to return ds, etc... She doesn't want to bother doing anything because she thinks the courts would have let him keep ds that long anyway.
I would call your attorney back and tell her that that isn't the point. The point is that your stbx DIDN'T follow a court order AND he didn't get your agreement to the extra time nor did he go to court, which is the proper way of handling getting more time, to get more time.

I would calmly tell your attorney that you want to pursue contempt of court charges as his disregarding the court order is becoming a regular occurence and that he doesn't even bother to try to get your agreement when he wants a change. And you feel, and he hasn't proven you wrong to date, that he will continue to disregard the court order and not even attempt to co-parent with you until the judge holds him accountable for not following the court order.

Even if he gets a slap on the wrist, he will see that he has to follow the court order. Because if you keep going back for the same reason, the judge is eventually going to get fed up and do something more than a slap on the wrist.

If your attorney balks, simply tell her that she is working for you, not the other way around. If you and your stbx are ever to learn how to get along as divorced parents of a child, he needs to learn that he needs to follow the court order. And that the proper way to handle wanting more time is to either get your written agreement or go to court and ask for it. Not to just take it regardless of what the court order states.

And I would also tell your attorney that given his refusal to follow the court order, you will not be letting him take your son. Your stbx can visit where you live until this matter of him not following the court order has been resolved.

And I would not discuss visitation with your stbx over the phone. Insist on e-mail communication. And if he calls, let the voicemail pick it up. Let him leave proof that he isn't following the court order. And when you respond to his voicemail, do it via e-mail. Having his refusal to follow a court order in writing is hard proof of his blatant contempt for a court order. And admissable in court. Whereas, a voice recording may not be, voicemail is admissable because he voluntarily left it on your machine.
 
#90 ·
So, so, so glad your son is home with you! Poor little guy.

I agree that you should not let this just drop. I am NOT a lawyer but it really does establish a precedent. You DO NOT want that to happen. What he did was wrong. The fact that your lawyer would be willing to let it slide is really telling. That alone tells me she is not looking out for your best interests - and your son's. I also agree about the email communication. Having it all documented will help immensely. Anything he says in a phone call is lost.

And of course, many many
.
 
#91 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lolagirl View Post
Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the most attention!
THIS is the KEY!!!!! by filing your case you are not asking for any favours. you are RIGHT!!! lawfully he IS in contempt of court.

LIGHT the fire under your attorney's ass and tell her you wont put up with such bullshit.

i absolutely agree if you let this slide - then you lose a big upper hand.

aaargh i cant believe teh gall of your lawyer.
 
#93 ·
I agree with everything the above posters have said especially lolagirl and ginger_rodgers. Do not back down from this because I can guarantee you that ex will continue to pull this stunt and thn when you finally do bring it o the attention of the judge they will ask why you didn't do anything about it before. This needs to be nipped in the bud and your attorney needs to get off her lazy ass and do as you have paid her to do.... represent you!!!! or give you you retainer back. I would look into filing a continuance too because of the GAL thing. Obviously she is not prepared and needs more time.
 
#95 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lolagirl View Post
Any more updates, Mama?
I have been watching your situation but didn't feel that it's my place to reply. I'd really like to know how you and your LO are doing.
 
#96 ·
Last week I called my attorney and told her that as soon as I got the police report, she needed to pursue contempt charges since he violated our court order. She said ok, but she didn't think it would help. I just got the police report this morning, so nothing has been filed yet.

On my way to work today, I checked my email. My attorney sent me a letter stating that she was going to be officially withdrawing from my case as of today and she gave me phone numbers of other attorneys that she thought were good. She said she wants to shift her focus to other things, and so now I don't even have an attorney. Trial is in Four weeks and ex isn't trying to work things out and settle before trial. I am screwed.

The waitlist for pro bono in my area is about 8-12 months according to the bar association who helps with this kind of thing. I am at a total loss right now. I can not go to trial unrepresented. I can't believe my attorney bailed out right before trial. The chances of finding someone that I can afford, who will be available on such short notice, is not good.
 
#97 ·
What state are you in? I work for a company that provides legal services and have access to attorneys in a lot of states. I'd be happy to put out some pro bono feelers for you.
 
#100 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
Can you (or a legal-aid person) file for a delay?
Call the family court information desk, tell them that your attorney withdrew from your case and you have a trial date set, and tell them that you need information to file a continuance. It's just one form, and relatively simple.

And your attorney is a big fat UAV, by the way.
 
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