I want to preface this by saying that I am very aware that other women have had truly long, difficult births, often resulting in vacuums/forceps/c-sections and other things that have been far more difficult to process than my birth. I feel guilty for posting my "easy" birth story, but I also wanted sort through some of my negative feelings about my birth.
I had planned a hospital birth with a midwife at a hospital about 2 minutes from my house. First baby. I was impatient to get baby out for a number of reasons and took castor oil after a good nights sleep at 7am (2 days before EDD). I went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:45 with contractions and diarrhea. Sat on the pot for a little while, then took a shower, still having contractions that were stronger than I'd had during the earlier part of my pregnancy.
Got out of the shower and started timing them. 2 minutes apart and very regular. Woke my husband up around 8:15am. I was very calm and not quite admitting to myself that this was happening REALLY fast. My husband, thinking things would be nice and slow (like we heard about in childbirth class) asked if he has time to shower and eat some oatmeal. I said yes (should have said ''no'' probably...I was being very calm).
Halfway through his oatmeal I started vocalizing during contractions. We both knew this was the real thing. I was having intense back pain on both sides of my lower back and my husband kept heating up our heating pack in the microwave for me and rubbing my back. I called my midwife and she said I should come in to be checked. I said I was doing okay at home for now. So, we made a plan for me to come in at 9:30.
So I labored at home until then with contractions every 2min apart. I threw up and had more diarrhea. I remember wishing I could shower and brush my teeth but didn't think I could focus to do those things. Even though my back pain was bad, I remember thinking "Wow, I hope this is all there is to it. I can totally DO this!"
We drove to the midwife's office (next to hospital). I was 7cm and baby was engaged. I was so excited to hear that! We walked across the street to the hospital. I had to stop twice for contractions, but otherwise, the walk felt good.
I sat on a birthing ball as soon as we got to the hospital room, answered the admit questions between contractions. I kept asking my husband to rub my back and complaining about the back pain. The midwife offered sterile water injections and I accepted. She said they hurt like hell and she wasn't kidding. I yelled with each injection. It definitely didn't take the pain away but I think it took an edge off for about 45minutes. I then agreed to get in the tub. The tub was only okay. The water wasn't warm enough to touch the back pain and it was a standard sized tub -- not a full sized birthing tub. But it was as good a place as any available.
I labored for a while resting between contractions with my midwife sitting there and my husband holding my hand. Around 11am I started having contractions that I had trouble handling -- they made me feel panicky. I was feeling intense rectal pressure with them but the back pain was far worse than any other feeling. After about 5 of these I got out of the tub and sat on the toilet at my midwife's advice. She checked my cervix and I was 10 cm. Here's where it went downhill....
She said I could start pushing at any time. I felt no urge to push. But I pushed a little bit on the toilet and the pain in my back and the pressure in my rectum just blew my mind. I felt like I was being gutted. She said "I expect pushing to take anywhere from 2-4 hours." And I became totally disoriented and devastated. I asked about an epidural or pain meds and she explained why they wouldn't be appropriate (I already knew the answers). She asked if I wanted my water broken and I had no idea what I wanted at that time. She broke it.
She said to push again and I tried but I wasn't really pushing very much because of how painful it was. The back pain wasn't stopping even between contractions. She did more sterile water injections and I screamed again. I don't know if it helped at all or not. Still had horrible back pain. I finally said "I need a minute. I need to rest a minute." They said okay.
They had set up the bed for me to get in knee chest position so I did that for a while. I was still felt utterly desperate to get out of the situation. I felt like I could NOT continue it and I wouldn't be able to continue pushing past the pain. At one point someone (the nurse or the midwife) rubbed my hips and lower back with massage oil VERY FIRMLY and it felt so amazing. I think that's what made me feel like I could crawl back out of the hole.
They set up the squat bar for me. I started giving some effort. Also utterly excruciating. I would have had a c-section right then and there had they offered it. I was starting to get angry with myself and the situation. I started really pushing. Then they got me on my back (not any worse than any other position for me) with people holding my legs and I was pushing then. I pushed so hard. I didn't think anything coherant this entire time until someone said "Baby has hair!" and I said "She does? Really?" I remember thinking "Where the f*** is the baby nurse and delivery tray?!" and they finally arrived. The baby nurse stood near me and was very encouraging. I felt like I had lost absolutely all dignity and was just sobbing and completely wrecked by the pain and fear. I couldn't bring myself to let me legs go far enough apart and my midwife told me that if I could give two good pushes with my legs way up to my ears that I could have the baby. I felt like she had just suggested that I have a c-section without anesthesia -- I was so horrified by that suggestion. I did it and baby was born. Healthy and only a 1st degree tear at 12:30pm.
While I felt immense relief and happiness to see her, I never felt my "birth high," I felt like I'd lost all sense of hope and reason and barely survived (mentally). I was just so shaken by the amount of pain in the last 1 1/2 (felt like 20 hours). I was very "fuzzy headed" and I remember that I was talking to the baby and enjoying her but wasn't very "on top of things" -- I let her get too cold (which I knew better!) by not keeping her wrapped up enough. I also let the nurse try to latch her on for a while (holding my boob and her head and trying to mash the two together and the right time while she was screaming). Which, retrospectively is totally ridiculous because I am a post-partum nurse! I know how to latch a baby on! I was just soooo dazed and kindof feeling like a failure all around.
Also, not the end of the world but ANNOYING, I let them take her to the nursery after about 3 hours to get a hearing screen (because we wanted to leave that afternoon) and the nurse asked about a bath. I said "Oh, I'll just give her a bath at home and you can just bring her back as soon as she's finished with the test." My husband and I both fell asleep and woke up over an hour later -- he went to get her. She was totally bathed! It didn't really register with me until I got home and kept smelling her head -- baby soap. Argh!
Am I a total wimp? Why did I lose it so completely right before pushing? Why no birth high? Why no adrenaline rush so that I was alert and together for my baby in the first few hours of her life? I FELT like I had been drugged (I hadn't..I didn't even have an IV).
BTW, it was the hospital I work at as a nurse. Apparently, the story there is that I had an AMAZING, perfect, powerful birth. It was just picture perfect and totally what I deserved for all my hard work and planning, they say. My husband says he felt like it went totally smoothly too. I just never expected to feel so shaken up and traumatized. ESPECIALLY given the fact that things went remarkably well (clinically speaking). I thought I would be ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
Anyway, sorry about the length and sorry to you mamas who really did have terrible birth experiences. I don't know what's wrong with me -- I should feel grateful about it. I just need to process some more and get my head around it.
I had planned a hospital birth with a midwife at a hospital about 2 minutes from my house. First baby. I was impatient to get baby out for a number of reasons and took castor oil after a good nights sleep at 7am (2 days before EDD). I went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:45 with contractions and diarrhea. Sat on the pot for a little while, then took a shower, still having contractions that were stronger than I'd had during the earlier part of my pregnancy.
Got out of the shower and started timing them. 2 minutes apart and very regular. Woke my husband up around 8:15am. I was very calm and not quite admitting to myself that this was happening REALLY fast. My husband, thinking things would be nice and slow (like we heard about in childbirth class) asked if he has time to shower and eat some oatmeal. I said yes (should have said ''no'' probably...I was being very calm).
Halfway through his oatmeal I started vocalizing during contractions. We both knew this was the real thing. I was having intense back pain on both sides of my lower back and my husband kept heating up our heating pack in the microwave for me and rubbing my back. I called my midwife and she said I should come in to be checked. I said I was doing okay at home for now. So, we made a plan for me to come in at 9:30.
So I labored at home until then with contractions every 2min apart. I threw up and had more diarrhea. I remember wishing I could shower and brush my teeth but didn't think I could focus to do those things. Even though my back pain was bad, I remember thinking "Wow, I hope this is all there is to it. I can totally DO this!"
We drove to the midwife's office (next to hospital). I was 7cm and baby was engaged. I was so excited to hear that! We walked across the street to the hospital. I had to stop twice for contractions, but otherwise, the walk felt good.
I sat on a birthing ball as soon as we got to the hospital room, answered the admit questions between contractions. I kept asking my husband to rub my back and complaining about the back pain. The midwife offered sterile water injections and I accepted. She said they hurt like hell and she wasn't kidding. I yelled with each injection. It definitely didn't take the pain away but I think it took an edge off for about 45minutes. I then agreed to get in the tub. The tub was only okay. The water wasn't warm enough to touch the back pain and it was a standard sized tub -- not a full sized birthing tub. But it was as good a place as any available.
I labored for a while resting between contractions with my midwife sitting there and my husband holding my hand. Around 11am I started having contractions that I had trouble handling -- they made me feel panicky. I was feeling intense rectal pressure with them but the back pain was far worse than any other feeling. After about 5 of these I got out of the tub and sat on the toilet at my midwife's advice. She checked my cervix and I was 10 cm. Here's where it went downhill....
She said I could start pushing at any time. I felt no urge to push. But I pushed a little bit on the toilet and the pain in my back and the pressure in my rectum just blew my mind. I felt like I was being gutted. She said "I expect pushing to take anywhere from 2-4 hours." And I became totally disoriented and devastated. I asked about an epidural or pain meds and she explained why they wouldn't be appropriate (I already knew the answers). She asked if I wanted my water broken and I had no idea what I wanted at that time. She broke it.
She said to push again and I tried but I wasn't really pushing very much because of how painful it was. The back pain wasn't stopping even between contractions. She did more sterile water injections and I screamed again. I don't know if it helped at all or not. Still had horrible back pain. I finally said "I need a minute. I need to rest a minute." They said okay.
They had set up the bed for me to get in knee chest position so I did that for a while. I was still felt utterly desperate to get out of the situation. I felt like I could NOT continue it and I wouldn't be able to continue pushing past the pain. At one point someone (the nurse or the midwife) rubbed my hips and lower back with massage oil VERY FIRMLY and it felt so amazing. I think that's what made me feel like I could crawl back out of the hole.
They set up the squat bar for me. I started giving some effort. Also utterly excruciating. I would have had a c-section right then and there had they offered it. I was starting to get angry with myself and the situation. I started really pushing. Then they got me on my back (not any worse than any other position for me) with people holding my legs and I was pushing then. I pushed so hard. I didn't think anything coherant this entire time until someone said "Baby has hair!" and I said "She does? Really?" I remember thinking "Where the f*** is the baby nurse and delivery tray?!" and they finally arrived. The baby nurse stood near me and was very encouraging. I felt like I had lost absolutely all dignity and was just sobbing and completely wrecked by the pain and fear. I couldn't bring myself to let me legs go far enough apart and my midwife told me that if I could give two good pushes with my legs way up to my ears that I could have the baby. I felt like she had just suggested that I have a c-section without anesthesia -- I was so horrified by that suggestion. I did it and baby was born. Healthy and only a 1st degree tear at 12:30pm.
While I felt immense relief and happiness to see her, I never felt my "birth high," I felt like I'd lost all sense of hope and reason and barely survived (mentally). I was just so shaken by the amount of pain in the last 1 1/2 (felt like 20 hours). I was very "fuzzy headed" and I remember that I was talking to the baby and enjoying her but wasn't very "on top of things" -- I let her get too cold (which I knew better!) by not keeping her wrapped up enough. I also let the nurse try to latch her on for a while (holding my boob and her head and trying to mash the two together and the right time while she was screaming). Which, retrospectively is totally ridiculous because I am a post-partum nurse! I know how to latch a baby on! I was just soooo dazed and kindof feeling like a failure all around.
Also, not the end of the world but ANNOYING, I let them take her to the nursery after about 3 hours to get a hearing screen (because we wanted to leave that afternoon) and the nurse asked about a bath. I said "Oh, I'll just give her a bath at home and you can just bring her back as soon as she's finished with the test." My husband and I both fell asleep and woke up over an hour later -- he went to get her. She was totally bathed! It didn't really register with me until I got home and kept smelling her head -- baby soap. Argh!
Am I a total wimp? Why did I lose it so completely right before pushing? Why no birth high? Why no adrenaline rush so that I was alert and together for my baby in the first few hours of her life? I FELT like I had been drugged (I hadn't..I didn't even have an IV).
BTW, it was the hospital I work at as a nurse. Apparently, the story there is that I had an AMAZING, perfect, powerful birth. It was just picture perfect and totally what I deserved for all my hard work and planning, they say. My husband says he felt like it went totally smoothly too. I just never expected to feel so shaken up and traumatized. ESPECIALLY given the fact that things went remarkably well (clinically speaking). I thought I would be ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
Anyway, sorry about the length and sorry to you mamas who really did have terrible birth experiences. I don't know what's wrong with me -- I should feel grateful about it. I just need to process some more and get my head around it.