Is this Parental Alienation Syndrome? My stepdaughter's been starting to think for herself, and rebel against her Mother in many of these ways, but it's making things worse, making her Mother more aggressive towards our side of the family. We can't afford to go to court or family counceling at this point, and her Mother cn't see her daughter's needs from her own. What can we do about it in our own home? How can we help my stepdaughter (and the rest of us!) get through this?
1. My stepdaughter's Mother has turned off the phone on occasion, including my stepdaughter's birthday, two years in a row, so that my Hubby cannot call. My son and I are not "allowed" to talk to my stepdaughter on the phone- if we do, and my stepdaughter gets "caught", the phone call is cut short and my stepdaughter is told how "sad" her Mother is that she wanted to talk to us, when we're "not even family".
2. My Hubby is occasionally told about events in my stepdaughter's life, but it is a known, and much visited fact, that my son and I are not "allowed" to attend any event. My stepdaughter has been told that school, daycare, camp and Religious events are for "family only" (which has included her Mother's boyfriends), and since my son and I aren't "real family", we shouldn't be coming, and also, if we do come, my stepdaughter knows not to acknowledge us, or if absolutely neccesary, to barely acknowledge us, because to acknowledge us, would make her Mother sad and "think she loves US more than HER."
3. My stepdaughter has been told that she has to go to her Dad's, or her Mother will go to jail, and her Mother is sad, depressed and worried, the entire time she's with us. My stepdaughter has said, she doesn't know if her Mother "is okay" when she's at our house.
4. My stepdaughter's Mother talks about and shows disrespect of me, my son and occasionally my Hubby to my stepdaughter.
5. My son and I are either not acknowledged or my stepdaughter is told how we're wrong/bad/or me trying to "steal" her.
6. My stepdaughter is two different children, depending on which house she's at. She's said so herself. She's only 8.
7. My stepdaughter knows she needs to cry and get upset, for her Mother's sake, when it's time to come to our house. The same goes with phone calls, which usually consists of 10-15 minutes of her Mother asking what we're doing, what she's eaten, what she's wearing, is she sad she's not "at home" and "are you sure you're okay there?, but my stepdaughter's back to normal the moment she hangs up.[/I]
8. My stepdaughter's Mother does not allow her to talk on the phone with me or my son. If she does and gets caught, she gets in trouble for wanting to talk to us, and guilted, because she must not love her Mother, then.
9. "I am not sure I will be able to afford to send you to camp because Daddy won't give me the money for it.", "I saved up for a long time to bring you to Disney World. Daddy doesn't bring you anywhere for vacation because he doesn't want to.", "Daddy left us for his new family and now his new family is trying to take you away from me." This is the language my stepdaughter's Mother speaks with my stepdaughter.
10. When we do have my stepdaughter for a week vacation, at dropoff, even if my son and I am standing right there, my stepdaughter is asked, "Did you have a good vacation with Daddy?" The same goes with dropoff with visits. Now, we're not "allowed" to get out of the car if we're there for dropoff.
11. The my stepdaughter's Mother tells her many of the details of the ongoing conflict, financial problems and possible legal proceedings.
12. My stepdaughter's Mother blames my Hubby and I for changes in life style, any current hardships, and her negative emotional state.
13. We've been accused of neglect, and it's been hinted at that, when my son gets older, we must be careful that "he doesn't try something" with my stepdaughter. I fear that she may use that in the future if she wants something. She can mess up my son's entire life if she does that.
14. My stepdaughter knows how she must act and say she feels about me, my son and her Dad, in her Mother's presence. She must not show any excitement about seeing us or anything we do with or for her (example- happiness about any gift for brithday or Christmas) and she must appear very upset that she has to come to our house and act like she's having a rotten time when her Mother calls. If not, she is betraying her Mother. This includes all extended family on our side, with the exception of my Grandmother. For some reason, my stepdaughter's Mother absolutely ADORES my Grandmother.
15. My stepdaughter is allowed to talk negatively or disrespectfully about our side of the family. This is encouraged greatly, but to my knowledge, my stepdaughter is beginning to rebel against it.
16. She uses my stepdaughter as a messenger or a spy. Not with her Dad- it goes past him, directed at me. Example- "My Mom says you can't come to my Open House because you're not my parent." or "My Mom says I have to tell her you don't blowdry my hair after my shower."
17. She asks my stepdaughter to lie to her Dad. It happens alot, but there's an unfortunate loophole- "My Mom said I can't tell Daddy that she didn't make me wear my seatbelt."- and then I've got to say something to my Hubby.
18. She nfringes on the my Hubby's time with excessive phone calls or scheduled activities. There are usually three, four phone calls a day, to see if my stepdaughter is "okay". Birthday parties, special outings (with just her and her Mother) and even extracurricular activities that have options for which days she can go (example, choosing to sign her up for Religion class on Sundays, instead of having her brought there after school on the bus on Tuesdays, while her Mother's working anyways) , all seem to get scheduled on my Hubby's time. And then she can go "if Daddy lets you".
19. My stepdaughter is made to feel she's the sole reason for her Mother's happiness and her Daddy and I "take her away from her Mom", causing her Mother great sadness.
20. I'm "THAT WOMAN" to her Mother, and my stepdaughter is only allowed to refer to me as "Daddy's Wife", because "Stepmother" has "Mother" in it and I'm NOT her Mother. However, if she ever remarries, my stepdaughter has been told that, she'd then have "two Daddies".
21. She listens in on my stepdaughter's phone conversation with us, partly to make sure my stepdaughter isn't talking to me or my son, parly so that she can ask questions, change answers, and orchastrate the conversation.
22. She encourages my stepdaughter to pretend that me and my son does not exsist and that she doesn't really need a Dad, but she can't live without her Mom. All parenting things are for "the Mother" and the only reason she has to talk to Daddy about it is, "the court makes her". She's not allowed to mention me or my son at all in her Mother's precense.
23. She rewrites history. She pumps my stepdaughter for information, and then uses it to make up stories. And example is, one day my Hubby really yelled at my son good and got in his face, to get his attention. (Not the usual occurance in our house, but it does happen once in a while- my son is a very trying child and can push a saint to the limits sometimes.) My stepdaughter mentioned it to her Mother and it was suggested that my stepdaughter must be careful so that nobody yells at her and gets in her face or even hits or abuses her- she must be on her guard at our house, so that she can stay "safe".
24. Everything me or my son does, and many of the things my Hubby does, is wrong. An example is, last summer, my stepdaughter wasn't paying attention, stepped off the curb to cross the street, and stepped right in front of an oncoming car. She was walking with my son, me and my Hubby were maybe 40 feet behind. My son grabbed her arm and yanked her backward, possibly saving her life. When the story got back to her Mother, my Hubby and I were "neglecting her" (letting a 7 year old walk ahead of the adults with her 13 year old brother?) and my son apparently hurt her arm, twisting it as he pulled her backwards (no mention of hurting her arm until she was alone with her Mother, and even if he did, isn't it better than getting run over by a car?). Nothing we do is good enough and it gets turned around by my stepdaughter's Mother in a negative way.
25. No credit for the "good" things we do. An example is, a couple years ago, my stepdaughter forgot something that was very dear to her at our house, a stuffed animal she slept with every night of her life. My Hubby thought she'd be okay, but I insisted to that we bring it right to her, so we did. When we got there, my stepdaughter's Mother came our of the house to get it. My Hubby told her the story, gave me full credit. Her Mother stood there, in front of us, thanking my Hubby profusely for what "HE" did and refusing to believe that I did anything more than come along to annoy her with my presence. To this day, my stepdaughter still believes that her Mother had to go track it down at our house and then DADDY found it for her, because that's the story she was told.
1. My stepdaughter's Mother has turned off the phone on occasion, including my stepdaughter's birthday, two years in a row, so that my Hubby cannot call. My son and I are not "allowed" to talk to my stepdaughter on the phone- if we do, and my stepdaughter gets "caught", the phone call is cut short and my stepdaughter is told how "sad" her Mother is that she wanted to talk to us, when we're "not even family".
2. My Hubby is occasionally told about events in my stepdaughter's life, but it is a known, and much visited fact, that my son and I are not "allowed" to attend any event. My stepdaughter has been told that school, daycare, camp and Religious events are for "family only" (which has included her Mother's boyfriends), and since my son and I aren't "real family", we shouldn't be coming, and also, if we do come, my stepdaughter knows not to acknowledge us, or if absolutely neccesary, to barely acknowledge us, because to acknowledge us, would make her Mother sad and "think she loves US more than HER."
3. My stepdaughter has been told that she has to go to her Dad's, or her Mother will go to jail, and her Mother is sad, depressed and worried, the entire time she's with us. My stepdaughter has said, she doesn't know if her Mother "is okay" when she's at our house.
4. My stepdaughter's Mother talks about and shows disrespect of me, my son and occasionally my Hubby to my stepdaughter.
5. My son and I are either not acknowledged or my stepdaughter is told how we're wrong/bad/or me trying to "steal" her.
6. My stepdaughter is two different children, depending on which house she's at. She's said so herself. She's only 8.
7. My stepdaughter knows she needs to cry and get upset, for her Mother's sake, when it's time to come to our house. The same goes with phone calls, which usually consists of 10-15 minutes of her Mother asking what we're doing, what she's eaten, what she's wearing, is she sad she's not "at home" and "are you sure you're okay there?, but my stepdaughter's back to normal the moment she hangs up.[/I]
8. My stepdaughter's Mother does not allow her to talk on the phone with me or my son. If she does and gets caught, she gets in trouble for wanting to talk to us, and guilted, because she must not love her Mother, then.
9. "I am not sure I will be able to afford to send you to camp because Daddy won't give me the money for it.", "I saved up for a long time to bring you to Disney World. Daddy doesn't bring you anywhere for vacation because he doesn't want to.", "Daddy left us for his new family and now his new family is trying to take you away from me." This is the language my stepdaughter's Mother speaks with my stepdaughter.
10. When we do have my stepdaughter for a week vacation, at dropoff, even if my son and I am standing right there, my stepdaughter is asked, "Did you have a good vacation with Daddy?" The same goes with dropoff with visits. Now, we're not "allowed" to get out of the car if we're there for dropoff.
11. The my stepdaughter's Mother tells her many of the details of the ongoing conflict, financial problems and possible legal proceedings.
12. My stepdaughter's Mother blames my Hubby and I for changes in life style, any current hardships, and her negative emotional state.
13. We've been accused of neglect, and it's been hinted at that, when my son gets older, we must be careful that "he doesn't try something" with my stepdaughter. I fear that she may use that in the future if she wants something. She can mess up my son's entire life if she does that.
14. My stepdaughter knows how she must act and say she feels about me, my son and her Dad, in her Mother's presence. She must not show any excitement about seeing us or anything we do with or for her (example- happiness about any gift for brithday or Christmas) and she must appear very upset that she has to come to our house and act like she's having a rotten time when her Mother calls. If not, she is betraying her Mother. This includes all extended family on our side, with the exception of my Grandmother. For some reason, my stepdaughter's Mother absolutely ADORES my Grandmother.
15. My stepdaughter is allowed to talk negatively or disrespectfully about our side of the family. This is encouraged greatly, but to my knowledge, my stepdaughter is beginning to rebel against it.
16. She uses my stepdaughter as a messenger or a spy. Not with her Dad- it goes past him, directed at me. Example- "My Mom says you can't come to my Open House because you're not my parent." or "My Mom says I have to tell her you don't blowdry my hair after my shower."
17. She asks my stepdaughter to lie to her Dad. It happens alot, but there's an unfortunate loophole- "My Mom said I can't tell Daddy that she didn't make me wear my seatbelt."- and then I've got to say something to my Hubby.
18. She nfringes on the my Hubby's time with excessive phone calls or scheduled activities. There are usually three, four phone calls a day, to see if my stepdaughter is "okay". Birthday parties, special outings (with just her and her Mother) and even extracurricular activities that have options for which days she can go (example, choosing to sign her up for Religion class on Sundays, instead of having her brought there after school on the bus on Tuesdays, while her Mother's working anyways) , all seem to get scheduled on my Hubby's time. And then she can go "if Daddy lets you".
19. My stepdaughter is made to feel she's the sole reason for her Mother's happiness and her Daddy and I "take her away from her Mom", causing her Mother great sadness.
20. I'm "THAT WOMAN" to her Mother, and my stepdaughter is only allowed to refer to me as "Daddy's Wife", because "Stepmother" has "Mother" in it and I'm NOT her Mother. However, if she ever remarries, my stepdaughter has been told that, she'd then have "two Daddies".
21. She listens in on my stepdaughter's phone conversation with us, partly to make sure my stepdaughter isn't talking to me or my son, parly so that she can ask questions, change answers, and orchastrate the conversation.
22. She encourages my stepdaughter to pretend that me and my son does not exsist and that she doesn't really need a Dad, but she can't live without her Mom. All parenting things are for "the Mother" and the only reason she has to talk to Daddy about it is, "the court makes her". She's not allowed to mention me or my son at all in her Mother's precense.
23. She rewrites history. She pumps my stepdaughter for information, and then uses it to make up stories. And example is, one day my Hubby really yelled at my son good and got in his face, to get his attention. (Not the usual occurance in our house, but it does happen once in a while- my son is a very trying child and can push a saint to the limits sometimes.) My stepdaughter mentioned it to her Mother and it was suggested that my stepdaughter must be careful so that nobody yells at her and gets in her face or even hits or abuses her- she must be on her guard at our house, so that she can stay "safe".
24. Everything me or my son does, and many of the things my Hubby does, is wrong. An example is, last summer, my stepdaughter wasn't paying attention, stepped off the curb to cross the street, and stepped right in front of an oncoming car. She was walking with my son, me and my Hubby were maybe 40 feet behind. My son grabbed her arm and yanked her backward, possibly saving her life. When the story got back to her Mother, my Hubby and I were "neglecting her" (letting a 7 year old walk ahead of the adults with her 13 year old brother?) and my son apparently hurt her arm, twisting it as he pulled her backwards (no mention of hurting her arm until she was alone with her Mother, and even if he did, isn't it better than getting run over by a car?). Nothing we do is good enough and it gets turned around by my stepdaughter's Mother in a negative way.
25. No credit for the "good" things we do. An example is, a couple years ago, my stepdaughter forgot something that was very dear to her at our house, a stuffed animal she slept with every night of her life. My Hubby thought she'd be okay, but I insisted to that we bring it right to her, so we did. When we got there, my stepdaughter's Mother came our of the house to get it. My Hubby told her the story, gave me full credit. Her Mother stood there, in front of us, thanking my Hubby profusely for what "HE" did and refusing to believe that I did anything more than come along to annoy her with my presence. To this day, my stepdaughter still believes that her Mother had to go track it down at our house and then DADDY found it for her, because that's the story she was told.