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parenting, to each their own or up for debate?

7K views 203 replies 58 participants last post by  newbymom05 
#1 ·
WARNING: please keep it civil. keep the UA in mind. this is a touchy subject and i would like to be able to keep this open for discussion. report posts your think are UAV and let moderators take care of it.

ETA - i mean if the topic comes up. it is beyond bizarre and inappropriate to just walk up to people and lecture them or ask them to defend themselves. do people actually do that?

parenting choices! to each their own or up for debate? should everyone just mind their own business or is it our responsibility as members of society to hold people accountable for the way they treat the young members of society? is it our right or responsibility to advocate for those ones who are unable to advocate for themselves? parenting effects more then just the children of the parents.. the way those children are raised effects how the interact with the rest of us, how they raise their children, how they treat others etc. so what do you think and why?? my (very long) explanation is below!

parenting is a taboo subject. when it comes up you are expected to say 'oh to each their own' b/c everybody is different and makes different choices and we have no right to judge.

on this site i always read about people not knowing any other way, not having enough info, not having enough support etc. how do people learn another way, get more info, ask for support etc. if we are just supposed to shut up and mind our own business?

i always agreed with this idea b/c i didn't want to have to justify my parenting choices to anyone. then i realized that the best way to test your opinions and beliefs is to have someone challenge them. if i could not sufficiently prove my point and defend my opinions in a debate with someone who disagrees then maybe i need to rethink what i am doing. after a few discussions with close friends who have no problem tearing apart my arguments i realized i actually can argue my points exceptionally well and in a non judgmental way. i have several points about why i do the things that i do and i have the factual information to back it up.

every situation is different so of course every family is different. for this reason something may make complete sense for one family and no sense at all for another. BFing for instance makes total sense for many people, it is cheaper, healthier, more convenient etc. it is probably easier for a SAHM then a WOHM but it those things still apply to many WOHM. but for a mom with Low supply supplementing might be absolutely necessary, for a mom who works and has a very hard time pumping then supplementing may be best for her family, for a mom who has to take a medication that is contraindicated for BFing should obviously FF, for someone who BFing would be traumatizing psychologically FF is the best option. for a mama whose little one has so many allergies or digestive troubles that they are healthier on a special formula that obviously is the best choice. and of course for Mamas who can't BF for a myriad of physical reasons formula is a godsend.

Babywearing is awesome for people who can do it. i totally love it and it is great when you are BFing. i also have back problems and wearing my 25lb son for extended periods of time would put me in the hospital .. so obviously a stroller might make more sense. anyone with physical problems may very well be better served by a stroller.

Co sleeping is def. not for everyone. there are tons of great reasons to do it and tons of great reasons not to. some babies wake up every thirty seconds when co sleeping, some people have babies who take up so much space they need their own king sized bed.

the ones i have trouble understanding are CIO especially for little babies, FF by choice when there is no reason it wouldn't be possible, and spanking. i just don't get it. do these fall under the to each their own category too? do we put the parents right not feel judged, not to have to be accountable for their choices, not to be questioned etc above a child's rights?

FF by choice is the only one i can see myself just saying to each their own. while i don't think it is the best choice there is it hard to argue.. for a mom already FF it may just make her feel guilty and there are so many good reasons to do it there is no way to tell if it really was by choice or by necessity.

CIO and spanking are different IMO. i know that people have a right to question my choices too and honestly i really don't mind. i am not talking legal involvement b/c that would be a catastrophe. I have logical, fact based reasons why i do the things i do. it is incredibly hard to discredit my arguments.... i have had people try.

I always try to form a logical fact based argument that supports the other side of the argument, not why no one should do it by why other options may be better for some families. BFing, Co sleeping, and baby wearing IMO have to many variables and there is no way to know for sure whether or not it is right for anyone but you and yours. CIO and Spanking are the two i cannot form a coherent argument to support.

I understand the arguments that are made in favor of them but i also see the flaws that make them incorrect. on a really simple level they use the end to justify the means without considering the reasons it "worked" and the ramifications of that. what if the parents don't know those reasons and ramifications? how are they every going to know if they are never held acceptable for those decisions?

since questioning other peoples parenting is taboo and we are expected to just mind our own business how are people ever supposed to hear the other side of the argument? parents can opt to never have their choices questioned by anyone who disagrees with them. they can just do what they want and decide everyone else is wrong without ever having to argue their points with someone who disagrees. how are people ever going to learn if they never have to defend their actions?

debate is one of the best ways to learn. you know that if your best argument for or against something dies a slow death in a debate you might be wrong. not an emotional debate of course.. but in a truly logical and fact based debate for educational purposes.

btw this is sort of my opinion on politics too... how come its ok to form your opinion but never test it in debate? if your so sure your right why wouldn't you want to try and convince others? but thats another story. religion is different.. people have a right to their beliefs since none of can really prove beyond a doubt that other people are wrong.

it seems like subjects that are 'personal' have become taboo in our society so we don't hurt each others feelings. but i wonder if this is really a positive thing. why would you be so emotional about your parenting or politics that no one has the right to question you? i would rather have my opinions challenged and find out i was wrong and change what i believe that be eternally unchallenged and never know there was a better way to do things. i guess i don't understand why we are not held accountable for our opinions. everyone says it's b/c there is no right answer. i disagree with this. i think there is often more then one right answer.... but there are definitely right answers and wrong answers. maybe i am wrong though.... i think i am about to find out


parenting effects people who cant advocate for themselves... is the 'to each their own' mentality really the best for our society?
 
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#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua View Post
My wish is that the media would be more broad in it's portrayal of parenting. ... What I would like to foresee is having more AP and natural-minded parenting views presented alongside the mainstream views in magazines, books, television, and especially in doctors offices (how many times have we all witnessed doctors giving out parenting advice as opposed to medical advice?). I personally don't think AP is right for every family situation but it would be nice for more families to be aware of it. That, to me, is the real crux of the issue.
:

Quote:

Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
only exception to #2 is if i think things are being misrepresented or people are being misled for example, if a couple mamas are saying cio is amazing and a newer mama is sitting there soaking it in, i'll speakup.
If I consider commenting, it's not usually for the benefit of the person I'm having a discussion with, but for the by stander, listening in, who isn't participating likely because they haven't formed an opinion yet. I learned a lot about parenting and baby care by attending mothers' groups and watching the other moms and listening to their discussions. Luckily, it was a fairly crunchy bunch, with nursing past a year, co sleeping, no formula, babywearing, etc. not being unusual.

I have a hard time not commenting if I think someone is spreading misinformation, though. And I find that there is a double standard (though it might be my bias towards AP). I've heard women talk about the non-AP things they had to do, as though there were no other choice, and if someone suggests an alternative, they get upset and say it's no one else's business. But people can jump to conclusions about my parenting and challenge the safety of cosleeping or babywearing or delaying solids, and I have to just smile and answer them politely, and if I point out the problems that these things solve, I'm somehow attacking them.
 
#28 ·
OH yeah, if I'm in a group and moms are talking about something, I'll say, "Oh, well what I do is . . . . " Or something. I won't just sit and not contribute. That's a different situation than giving someone unsolicited advice when you see them doing something you disagree with, though. And yes I do internally judge, and I make my choices based on that - like how much time I want to spend with someone, whether my dd can play at their house, etc. But that's an internal judgment.
 
#30 ·
I couldn't vote since my option wasn't there. I only talk about parenting choices when I'm asked. It's not a normal conversation I would have on purpose. Now if somebody asks me what worked for me, then of course I'll tell them, but I don't bring it up. Even if somebody is talking about their choices and they differ from mine, I don't add to the conversation.
 
#31 ·
I already posted but wanted to clarify, I do not offer my opinion ever really...because I get sick and flipping tired of DH's family criticizing everything that DH and I do.

"Oh, isn't she a bit old to still do **that**?" Re bf'ing (even though my DS bf'ed until he was over 2)

"Oh, she looks so uncomfortable to be in her carseat like that! I think she'd rather be the other direction to see the world!" (Re my DD still rf)

"I feel so bad for such-and-such homeschooled child! They have no friends because their homeschooled. Ya know, DH's Uncle/Brother thinks that homeschooling is CHILD ABUSE, and I mostly agree with him!" (even though they know we intend to homeschool)

"I'm so glad that I got to feed B and M and K." (since my kids were bf'ed and never took a bottle)

"C and J let B cry for a little bit and ya know, he will just climb up the stairs when he's ready for bed! They just shut the door and he goes right to sleep." (like it's the most wonderful thing ever **shudder**, to which I reply "Oh, I could NEVER let my kids cry in a cold dark room wanting me, that's just so sad..." I was tempted to pull the CHILD ABUSE line since C is the one who said hs'ing is child abuse)

etc etc etc...
 
#32 ·
I would comment on any of those topics if they came up, but it is as others have said it is how you comment that is most important. Parenting is a sensitive topic, so you have to be more careful about discussing it IMO, but you can have a civil discussion about anything if all parties are willing. If you make your comment and the other person/people are not open to listening on that topic, then there isn't any point in continuing further with them, though others did point out if there are people listening that aren't speaking, it can be worth continuing for their benefit. Also, you have to be willing to listen too which can be hard. I try to be good about that myself, but I do not always succeed.
 
#33 ·
i forgot circ! thats a big one but its one i pretty much never talk about since infant foreskin isn't exactly everyday mom talk. ok well i don't talk about any of this most of the time b/c i don't know any moms IRL whose kids are younger then mine.. my friends pg but thats really it.

soooo circ.... would you, have you, and how on earth would it come up?
 
#34 ·
everyone keeps saying if it comes up or someone asks their opinion.... how else would you talk about it? i can't imagine ambushing some poor unsuspecting person who is minding their own business at the grocery store or something. has this happened to any of you? b/c that would inappropriate IMO ... not to mention just weird.
 
#35 ·
Didn't vote , but my answer is that it depends on the situaation and the people involved, I think it's NEVER OK to go to a complete stranger in the mall and yell at them for not BF, BW, letting their baby cry or whatever they are doing that is wronk in your parenting eyes.
 
#36 ·
I make it a point not to comment on others choices about any of these things unsolicited. If a friend ASKS my opinion, I'll give it; likewise on MDC threads. But not otherwise. I make judgements for myself, I'll make supportive comments to friends, I might not be interested in being friends with people who do some of them, but I don't make comments. It has to be illegal before I would comment unsolicitedly.

On the CIO, I've refused to visit family members currently doing CIO. It would be too emotionally distressing for me to listen to a baby cry. But DD has 5 yo old friends who CIO as babies. I'm not going to bar the friendship or ignore the mom. If she's pg, I let her know we never did CIO and look, DD sleeps fine in her own bed, to get the gears turning. (And the mom was talking about how hard CIO was and how she was dreading it).
 
#37 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
everyone keeps saying if it comes up or someone asks their opinion.... how else would you talk about it? i can't imagine ambushing some poor unsuspecting person who is minding their own business at the grocery store or something. has this happened to any of you? b/c that would inappropriate IMO ... not to mention just weird.
Um, YES! There are threads about it all the time! It's happened to me some.
 
#38 ·
Believe it or not circumcision does come up and I make sure to be very clear that it's wrong and there's no way in hell I'd let someone take a scapel to my sons' (or daughter's for that matter) genitals nor is it my right to do so. Circumcision is not just another parenting decision. Circumcision also isn't a crunchy versus mainstream thing but a human right's violation. Most people I know who leave their sons intact aren't crunchy or AP really.
I do make myself bring it up with anyone I know who is going to have children, it's too important not to imo.
 
#40 ·
I haven't read the responses yet, but I voted for the last choice with the caveat that I will only discuss when asked for my opinion. For example, this morning, a coworker just returned from maternity leave and during the course of our baby discussion, she told me she was FFing by choice. She didn't ask my opinion, so I kept my mouth shut and continued with our conversation. Had she asked me for advice or for my opinion, I would have commented, but she didn't, so I didn't.

If I thought someone was crossing the line into abuse, however, I would say something. Immediately.
 
#41 ·
Everything is up for debate in the abstract (e.g. a mom who switched to formula at 6 months tells me there's nothing in breastmilk that benefits babies after that; I counter the argument with facts; nothing personal, nothing concrete).

But I'm extremely uncomfortable with telling people what to do with their children - I don't really know their children. If asked, or if an opinion is phrased in abstract terms, I'll tell a mom who spanks her daughter when she hits other kids that violence is likely to breed more violence, not less, strictly logically. If not, I may just shut up because I don't know her daughter, I'm not her mom, I'm not having the struggles she is. Unless there's REAL abuse, I'll shut up.
 
#42 ·
I think we all have a responsibility to make sure children are not being endangered, abused, or neglected, and to offer helpful advice when it seems appropriate. Beyond that, I do not think we ought to impose our styles on others.

That said, I don't see anything wrong with sharing information. For example, if a mother you knows mentions that her Dr. said she should wean her one year old, it would be great to let her know that WHO recommends 2 years, or to share the benefits of nursing an older baby.

Each child and parent has a unique personality, and each family has its own dynamic. To assume that there's a one-size fits all answer to parenting just doesn't make sense to me.
 
#43 ·
Yeah, I noticed circ wasn't on the list.

Do I disapprove of many of the above parenting issues? You betcha. Would I comment? Depends very largely on context, and the likelihood isn't necessarily related to the strength of my convictions on the topic. It'd depend more on how shy I was feeling, how well I knew and liked the person, how well I thought they'd react to discussion... for instance, I've brought up circ to MIL and SIL, and (as I should have expected) SIL responded WAY better; whereas with MIL it was more or less a waste of time.

I do think a situation needs to be pretty severe to warrant harrassing people, especially if one doesn't know the circumstances behind what they're doing. There's no call to, say, give a FF mother in a mall dirty looks or BFing info - for all you know she has IGT, and even if her motives for FF are downright ghastly it's unlikely a nasty comment would provoke her to relactate, KWIM?

So yes, I do believe humans have the intellectual responsibility to justify and question their parenting decisions. That doesn't mean I believe I have the God-given task of forcing that issue; but politeness has to be balanced out by the thought of the child's safety and wellbeing, within "live and let live" reason. So it's complex!
 
#44 ·
I would say something on CIO, BFing, and spanking. However on all it would depend on the situation.

CIO- if I saw a baby just screaming and no one doing anything about it I might say something like. 'oh are you going to pick him/her up?" or if I knew the person I would say something like "oh do you need my help, I can hold the baby"

Spanking- this one is touchy! i am hesitant to tell my real feelings on this one. I A) do not want to offend and B) feel that what I say to anyone about this is my business… i will however say that i will never hesitate to call anyone in any place out on the floor about this topic!

BFing- for the most part on this I say to each their own. I WILL however correct anyone that is wrong in their statistics or info. i have and will continue to correct those that say BFing is not best or the same as FFing, state the right facts if they are 'wrong' on what long the recommended age to stop in and I will always stand up for child lead weaning. Ie: when people say that it is damaging to the child to be BFed at such and such age!
 
#45 ·
this is something i have always been interested in. when i was fighting my doctor on an unnecessary c section the only two women i know who had natural child births (one in a flipping birth center in the 80's) told me to listen to the doctor b/c he would only do a c section if it was necessary and to not be a hero b/c childbirth hurts.
i thought it tickled

when i was Bfing and struggling and debating the meds everyone including 4 different women who BF their kids past a year.. one of them over 2 yrs told me that it was up to me, that BF was a lot of work and being a young mom was hard enough, that it really didn't matter and that it was up to me.

well for the love of all that is holy i wish they would have flipping said what they actually thought. one of them, when i said i wish someone would have encouraged me to keep trying at bfing, said she would have if she had known i wanted her too.


16 months later i am coming to terms with the birth and am ok with FF... but it took me a long time to get there and i might have done things differently if people had been more concerned with sharing what they know and experienced and less concerned with being politically correct. sheesh! how do you know if no one tells you?
 
#46 ·
Where's the "I mind my own business" option?

I don't like people offering parenting advice therefore I don't dole out parenting advice.

To each his own is my motto.
 
#47 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lovebug View Post
BFing- for the most part on this I say to each their own. I WILL however correct anyone that is wrong in their statistics or info. i have and will continue to correct those that say BFing is not best or the same as FFing, state the right facts if they are 'wrong' on what long the recommended age to stop in and I will always stand up for child lead weaning. Ie: when people say that it is damaging to the child to be BFed at such and such age!
me and my Formula feeding self do this too. it really confuses people when you are holding a bottle and correcting their Bfing info, quoting the WHO, and telling them babies have the right to NIP.
those who can do, those who can't teach.
 
#49 ·
The only one of those I feel is actually bad or wrong to do to a child and NO one should be allowed to do it is spanking, the rest, to each his own, I brestfed my kids for 4 years, 23 months, and 16 months (I'm positive he weaned due to pregnancy and wouldn't of otherwise), but I still don't believe it is really that much better than formula, breastfeeding to me just comes down to easier...I refuse to let me kids cry themselves to sleep, and if you are in my house, I wouldn't let your child cio either, I just can't handle it...but if it's what you choose to do for your kids in your house, I don't care, I cried myself to sleep and don't feel in the least bit scarred by it. We do a selective and delayed vaccine schedule, but I'm ok with both no vaccines and all vaccines on schedule, whatever you think is best.... Solids I think the babies opinion matters most, if your 3 month old has all the readiness signs and is obviously starving, then feed them, if your 9 month old still wants breast milk only, then don't feed them (I've been in both situations...well, we made him hold off till 4 months and she didn't eat till 15 months, but, close enough), I do not at all believe in one size fits all parenting, I think the choices we have made are right for OUR family, not for everyone.

Now on the issue of just walking up to a stranger in public to talk about their choices, obviously never, and yes, I've had people do that...someone asked me in a borders bathroom if I was going to breastfeed (I said "no, that's gross" and walked away, cause, umm holy rude...at that point in time I was 5ish months pregnant and still breastfeeding my 15 month old), I've also had people hand me pamphlets about not-circing (wtf? how do you even know I'm having a boy, and no, none of them are circd), and someone berate me for my toddler asking for milk in a store cause "dairy is not healthy for humans"...she was like 11 months old, obviously she had never had dairy, she wanted to nurse...but, I just walked away in those situations without saying anything, though I probably looked at them like they had 2 heads. We've since moved to a less liberal area (we were in ann arbor) and now I get questions about if slings are bad for babies, and looks like they have never seen someone nurse before in their lives, or a woman told me I could not nurse in the children's section of borders cause her (looked like 3 year old) son might see me doing it, and that's wrong...I kept nursing...
 
#50 ·
Isn't it interesting how different our feelings, ideals & judgments can be? I've found this thread pretty fascinating.

It's weird, but the only things on the list that I really feel passionate about are CIO, FF by choice, & baby wearing (I cringe to no end seeing parents that let their baby practically live in baby seats and/or propping a bottle in the stroller). I mean passionate like I don't think I'd be comfortable being good friends with someone who did any of those things. Otherwise, everything else on the list I think is just a personal parenting decision that doesn't fill me with passion either way.

I would have put a check mark next to "having an elective c-section" (for no medical reason at all) had that been a choice.
 
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