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Mums raising kids in a country different from where you grew up?

9K views 72 replies 50 participants last post by  MammaG 
#1 ·
Im just wondering if there are any mums/moms here who are raising their kids in their dh's country (which is different from their own? Am I being clear?) Ive been married ten years, have 10yo twin girls and an 8yo boy. My dh is british/jamaican, but british thru and thru. Im american. Ive lived in the uk for 10 years. I love my family but I feel like Im a minority. Im learning the education system as I go, its so different from the US system. My kids have never been to my home country and I still 'feel' american, even tho if I went back, I know Id stick out like a sore thumb. Im just wondering if anyone else is in this situation. How do you get on? do you feel homesick? Do you miss that your kids wont know the country you grew up in?
 
#27 ·
I'm scottish married to an Algerian (who hasn't been back for 22 years except for about 2 weeks at a time) and we live in France, it's taken a long time for me to accept things here, the thought that I may never return to scotland to live breaks my heart, my kids love it there too, life is different, freer, but then I have french and expat friends here too whom I would miss if we did return to scotland, dh loves it here and I know is happy to be here for ever and ever, me I'd go back to scotland in a shot.

'my heart's in the highlands my heart is not here,
my heart's in the highlands chasing the deer,
chasing the wild deer and following the roe,
my heart's in the highlands wherever I go.'

That really says it all for me
 
#28 ·
Hi! So glad I found this thread. I am just embarking on this journey now, having moved to Brazil a month and a half ago (hi Tamara!).
Right now I am still in the honeymoon phase, I think--everything is new, and even when it's frustrating (bureaucracy, language and cultural issues, etc.), it feels exciting.
I think a lot about what it means to raise my kids in a place that is so different from where I grew up, and away from my family, which whom I'm close.
My husband is Brazilian and American, and we'll be here for at least two years, quite possibly longer.
So far, at least, I think the benefits they'll reap from being bicultural and bilingual outweigh the struggles.
Thanks for sharing all of your varied experiences.
 
#29 ·
You know, I completely agree that having bi/tri lingual children is a wonderful thing and the opportunity of experiencing different cultures, but it's the more personal problem of homesickness that I struggle with - it's so strong, its a longing I have and although I have accepted and am trying to make the best of where I am - thanks to a wonderful book called, Shelter for the Spirit by Victoria Moran, I wish I had found the book earlier, I still struggle with the everyday stuff, such as being surrounded by buildings and streets and the lighting rather than the open-ness, green-ness, mountains, the sea, it's actually important to me to see the countryside and be able to just sit and 'ahhhhhh' at the view, even if it is here in France or Algeria or Scotland, does any of that make sense?
 
#30 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb View Post
You know, I completely agree that having bi/tri lingual children is a wonderful thing and the opportunity of experiencing different cultures, but it's the more personal problem of homesickness that I struggle with - it's so strong, its a longing I have and although I have accepted and am trying to make the best of where I am - thanks to a wonderful book called, Shelter for the Spirit by Victoria Moran, I wish I had found the book earlier, I still struggle with the everyday stuff, such as being surrounded by buildings and streets and the lighting rather than the open-ness, green-ness, mountains, the sea, it's actually important to me to see the countryside and be able to just sit and 'ahhhhhh' at the view, even if it is here in France or Algeria or Scotland, does any of that make sense?
Yes.

I don't even think I can explain my homesickness at times because it's not logical, it just IS. I miss New Zealandness - certain plants and smells and accents and even types of faces, at times it can be quite intense.

I also get what EMS said about the honeymoon phase...def. been there too, and can recognise it in other expats


It's interesting because we've just come back home to BC from being in the Yukon for 2 months. Well, what a difference time elsewhere makes to your perspective. I was SO happy to be back home in Van. And I realised that I do have some real friends here, people that actually MISSED me when I was away. I love so much about Vancouver, really, it would be v. hard for me to live in NZ again, I suspect. I do really like the school system here in the elementary years - DD is in a great small fine arts elmentary that's public, a few minutes walk from our house- schools are great in nz too, but specialized ones like ours don't exist there yet, so I"m glad to be in BC for her sakes.

MS Apricot, I spent some time in Australia. Glad you're enjoying it. I know what you mean about standardized testing. I keep in touch with Oz news and seems like everyone's obsessed with school rankings and tafe scores, it's sad. I'd kill for their uniforms though
 
#31 ·
Hi, EMS! Welcome to Brasil!

I don't think I had a honeymoon phase, and I want to go back home!
I miss my car (driving in Sao Paulo is CRAZY), my job, my money, my language, my friends, being able to buy things (cloth diapers? fabrics to MAKE cloth diapers? unscented detergents??)... Sigh. Plus, am pregnant and cranky.
 
#32 ·
Tamara, from what I know about Sao Paulo I think I would have a really hard time there, too. I've never been, but that's where my husband's family is from. Can't help with the pollution, crime, traffic..but at least here in Salvador, a lot of locals use cloth diapers. My nanny says you can buy them in the drugstore. Don't know about the quality or price, though. We got some as a hand-me-down from another American family.
 
#33 ·
I've been in France 13 years, in this region for 10. I also lived in the U.K., Hong Kong and a year in N.Y. I haven't lived in the States in 20 years, California 19.

It's strange how homesickness sometimes grabs and strangles me for awhile, then releases its grip. I can't honestly say that it's better or worse than earlier. If anything, worse.

But that doesn't mean that I don't like it here or that I necessarily want to go back. I could divvy everything up, what I prefer in California and what I prefer in France in neat piles if I wanted to but it's a waste of time.

I actually moved to Paris for work and then met my dh so I was already in the country and spoke the language. You'd think that would make it easier lol!

I've observed a lot of expat families. There are two items which are negotiable. First of all, if YOU are the one living in HIS (or in some cases, his choice of) country, you should be able to call some of the shots. I was much happier when we got out of the nice apartment we had and moved into an actual house with a garden. If you're adjusting language and culture, adjusting living conditions as well might be more than you can really handle. Of course there are budget and practical constraints (not in our case as it was a well-located apt. and a not-so-well located house lol!) but keep this in mind as it can really help your sanity. The poster who talked about missing green spaces really made me think of this.

The other consideration is schooling. I know, in many cases, you don't have much choice but you might want to favor some sort of bilingual or international option. Not only is this good for your children's development but you will meet families with whom you have more in common. We did not do this for a variety of reasons. My kids go to an inter-city school, outside our area to attend a special program. Most of the other students are lower income brackets and there are many immigrants. I actually like the fact the school is so varied but I rarely pow-wow with the other moms (some of whom I don't share a common language with). I have my own friends here in town, both French and N. American and I don't need to see them at school every day. But if you're new in the country, or even if you're not, you may find the whole experience less jarring. Just the fact that the teachers are used to foreign parents could help. I found the whole school-culture a real shock and I had been in the country already 6 years!

I think the real secret is to pin point the sink holes and to speak up before problems get out of hand. For example, the whole customer service deal here in France is dire. You have to get nasty to get anything done, the refund that is wholly justified or just to get an appointment. I've just made my peace that I will never adjust to the whole customer culture here. That actually makes it easier and then I can just get on with things, knowing this is a weak point to living here. End of story.

hth!
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclipsepearl View Post
the whole customer service deal here in France is dire. You have to get nasty to get anything done, the refund that is wholly justified or just to get an appointment. I've just made my peace that I will never adjust to the whole customer culture here. That actually makes it easier and then I can just get on with things, knowing this is a weak point to living here. End of story.

hth!
just an aside . .. .i've had to make my peace with that in Holland, as well. i used to beat my head against the wall about it. now I know how to fight for what i really need/want, and how to let a lot of minor stuff go. It's taken me about 9 years .....
 
#35 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclipsepearl View Post
I think the real secret is to pin point the sink holes and to speak up before problems get out of hand. For example, the whole customer service deal here in France is dire. You have to get nasty to get anything done, the refund that is wholly justified or just to get an appointment. I've just made my peace that I will never adjust to the whole customer culture here. That actually makes it easier and then I can just get on with things, knowing this is a weak point to living here. End of story.

hth!
Ha, I feel that way about Canadian bureaucracy. I used to spend a lot of time saying "In NZ...xyz " now I just try and accept it even though it seems inefficient pointless make-things-harder-for-everyone paper pushing a lot of the time...

clearly still haven't accepted it...


Hmm, like the idea I just need to accept I will never get it...
 
#36 ·
I am a "transplant" and currently also an "expat". I'm originally from Canada. My DH is French and our base is in Paris but we are currently living in Madagascar.

I don't miss Canada at all (haven't since I stepped foot out of the country 11 years ago - first to the States and then to Europe). But I really really miss France and Europe. I'm not sure how I am going to stand living in this dirty polluted, poverty-stricken city for the next 4 to 5 years but I am trying to be positive about it. Honest.
 
#37 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclipsepearl View Post

I think the real secret is to pin point the sink holes and to speak up before problems get out of hand. For example, the whole customer service deal here in France is dire. You have to get nasty to get anything done, the refund that is wholly justified or just to get an appointment. I've just made my peace that I will never adjust to the whole customer culture here. That actually makes it easier and then I can just get on with things, knowing this is a weak point to living here. End of story.

hth!
How funny -- this must be a general European thing. I've blamed the lack of a customer service culture here in Slovenia on its having been communist not so long ago, but it's true that I experience similar issues in neighboring countries as well. I'm always surprised and gratified all over again by the pleasant shopping experience in the US, where most employees genuinely do seem to want to help.

On the flip side, though, one thing I don't miss at all about the US is the awful reality of doing business by phone, whether it is being harassed by computerized telemarketing or having to go through 37 automated steps and be on hold for hours before getting a real, live person. Here I do have the occasional experience of having a phone number just ring and ring during office hours
:, but almost always a phone call gets to a live person that actually can help. And we don't have any cold-calling at all! (Fingers crossed that it stays that way...)
 
#38 ·
I am American livingin France with my Italian DH. WE just moved here recently, before we were living in the US. Right now we are both learning the system for how to register kids etc. OUr children are still young, 2.5 and 1 week, but we had to find dd1 a nursery school and that took time. My French isn't good, I can understand it okay but I can't get out what I want to say, which means I rely on DH to do alot of the phone calls and important stuff. I plan on taking more French courses but it will have to wait since we have a newborn. Its mostly lonely for me because of the language barrier, although I have met some other moms through DH's job that speak english and/or italian and that helps. I think about how my kids won't know what I am talking about if I refer to American stuff when they are older. Its weird. But I also think that they will have wonderful benefits from growing up with two diferent cultures/languages at home and another one where we live.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bellabaz View Post
I am American livingin France with my Italian DH. WE just moved here recently, before we were living in the US. Right now we are both learning the system for how to register kids etc. OUr children are still young, 2.5 and 1 week, but we had to find dd1 a nursery school and that took time. My French isn't good, I can understand it okay but I can't get out what I want to say, which means I rely on DH to do alot of the phone calls and important stuff. I plan on taking more French courses but it will have to wait since we have a newborn. Its mostly lonely for me because of the language barrier, although I have met some other moms through DH's job that speak english and/or italian and that helps. I think about how my kids won't know what I am talking about if I refer to American stuff when they are older. Its weird. But I also think that they will have wonderful benefits from growing up with two diferent cultures/languages at home and another one where we live.
Hey Bellabaz, be sure to join MESSAGE if you haven't already. It really is a font of resources, information and other moms who speak English. And their internet forum is great.
 
#40 ·
Bellabaz - if there is anything I can help you with, please do not hesitate to contact me, there is also www.lllfrance.org which may be of interest - especially as you have a 1 week old, there are almost 200 groups here in france so hopefully you'll manage to find something near you. if you are in Paris there is a meeting in the 15th on the 22nd (next Tuesday) 2-4pm (you'll find it listed on the website) you are more than welcome to come and join in the topic of Advantages of Breastfeeding.
 
#41 ·
I am from Switzerland living Canada for the past 14 years. I did not grow up in Switzerland as my dad was employed by the foreign department and we moved from embassy to embassy every3-4 years. Still, my parents managed to instill the Swiss culture in me. And my grandparents' village in Swizerland is "home".

I think the hardest part for me is that my kids are thoroughly Canadian. The have dual citizenship, but not a big connection to my home country. We have only been able to go back to visit a couple of time, and not nearly enough due to financial reasons. They don't speak Swiss German, as my dh doesn't and I do home daycare, the English just sort of happened. I have put them in a French Immersion school, so they will at least be able to speak one official language of Switzerland.
On the other hand Switzerland has changed a lot in the past 14 years, and I don't think I could live there permanently anymore and feel at home.
I mostly miss my family, I have always been very close to my mom, and not having her around is the hardest part.
 
#42 ·
howdy.

I'm an American living in the Middle East (Israel) with my Israeli husband. Our kids are dual citizens, and we speak two languages in the home, though I am homeschooling (kids are only 2.5 and 4.5 years old, though) so the primary environment is English/American.

Ds seems to be much more Israeli, in attitude, language, taste in foods, etc than dd, who is really the opposite in that way. Today they were fighting and dd was yelling at ds in English and he was shooting right back at her in Hebrew.

Either way they both ended up totally insulted. So I guess that bilingual thing is working, eh?


I miss the USA every day. I could go back and live there and be very happy. DH would not be so happy. I would miss Israel though. There are some great things about this country. Those great things do NOT include the constant threat of war, the sirens, the lack of customer service, the inability of the local population to drive (this goes for both Arab and Jew, btw...), the constant drama and pressure to conform, the beauacracy (which we would have to deal with in the inverse due to dh's immigrant status), the meddling nature of the society, the small size of houses, land, the expensive price of, well, EVERYTHING, my in laws, etc.. etc... etc...

But, the people can be warm and caring on day to day interactions. They genuinely love children and children definately feel that love. We have socialized health care, which is mixed blessings, but at least it's always an option for those of us that choose to use it. We are a pioneering culture, so it's a neat attitude. Jewish holidays and culture reign supreme, which is really special to live according to our religious calendar, which doesn't exist anywhere in the world. My "big" nose is considered "tiny" here in Israel...lol...

It's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends, culture, songs and sights and smells of my youth, WATER, reasonable weather...

But I know if I lived there, I wouldn't fit in any longer and I know that if I stay here I will never fit in either...

 
#43 ·
Im feeling pretty good about it lately, living in a foreign country. My girls are starting secondary school next year and we visited the school this week which gave me a better idea of how the system runs, like I mentioned Im learning as I go. We had heard some bad stuff about the school but it was completely unfounded. The secondary school, this one anyway, is more set up like a community college, which in a way is cool but children start there at the age of 11. Its all kind of solidified the fact that, as much as Id love to have gone back previously, we are most likely starting a whole new legacy for this leg of our family over in the UK. Thats kind of how I feel about it. I feel better about visiting. I think if I had visited earlier I may not have ever come back, I was so homesick. In fact I had a rare phone call from my mom on a very difficult day, which usually has me all set up for massive homesickness and somehow... it magically happens that my mum will ring on those days when I want to speak to them the least, bc of the homesickness. This phone call was different. We were both down, missing each other, but I didnt feel that yearning to go back. Sort of more like a resigned sort of feeling, I was sad, missing my family but ... I dont know... the silliest way to put it, but the only way I can describe it was ( please forgive me for sounding like a wet noodle) like 'Im a big girl now, I have my own children and well Im all grown up'. Doesnt that sound silly, but thats how it was. I mean Im 32 yk? But in a way maybe Ive just grown up about it. Sigh.

Im still american, my kids are just SO british. They are very american in their way of thinking, I think, or more like they are just a little bit different from the other kids; for a number of reasons actually, our faith kind of makes us different, altho its a very common faith, actually taking it seriously and attempting to live it in the world we live in, for real, makes us different.

anyway, dh just brewed a lovely cup of tea for me, so Im off to enjoy my afternoon tea break.

have a great day guys!
gen
 
#44 ·
Wow I´m so glad I found this post! We moved from the US to Venezuela, where my husband is from, 3 months ago. It has suprised me how much it bothers me that my child(ren) won´t experience American culture and traditions. Mostly stupid stuff like trick or treating or prom. I try to keep it in perspective that our Venezuelan American son would have to miss out on a lot of the Venezuelan traditions if we lived in the US and my husband would feel like I do now. I lived abroad in college and enjoyed living completely different but having my kid in tow has changed it. Because I don´t totally understand how everything works here I worry about it all, from his schooling to how I´ll have another baby in a country with elective csections.
 
#45 ·
Oh MummyDearest, I can completely relate. I did really stupid things like get up at the crack of dawn so they could watch seseme street, lol, during the first few months after arriving here. And I wouldnt let them watch some of the british childrens programming. I was so homesick and so eager for them to have a taste of American culture (even at 10 months, it was more for me then them I guess) that Id go out of my way to do so! Sigh. It does get easier. My kids are really british tho, they've never been back to live any kind of american culture but they are a little bit different bc of me. I think I started this thread bc I was feeling like the odd one out at the time. So I go thru waves of it. There are most days when I dont ever think about it. I do think that after 10 years tho, I have begun to really accept it. The only thing I yearn for tho is to visit my family. We really need a big family reunion and some reconciliation for us. I didnt leave on the best of terms and some things have slid even further down into what seems like hopelessness for my parents and siblings. I know my mom and dad misses us a great deal and would be very blessed to see us again. I think to have visited any sooner would have been too traumatic so I can see the wisdom on us not having been to visit yet. Also, Im not sure I would have come back and my dh wouldnt have wanted to move over there. Now, I dont think I want to go back forever. I love England now, well I love Plymouth, where we are now.

anyway, there's my ramble...

 
#46 ·
Hi guys. I've been lurking and reading and enjoying your posts.

Genifer, I went through a phase where I made my parents send me NZ children's books and books in Maori so I could teach kid some Maori. Kinda lame, especially as she never gets to hear Maori IRL the way she might there, HA. It was totally for me - she enjoys the books but I feel validated by them in a weird way. I get what you mean about feeling like the odd one out at times. Right now I'm feeling better because at my new job, everyone is an immigrant, so we're all coming from a similar place. It's nice.

I"m into year 7.5 and for the first time ever I've started thinking that I might never leave Vancouver and that this is really 'home' now.
 
#47 ·
American in Norway here with two kids that were born here. It's going on 8 years now and I'm pretty firmly into feeling like I'm going to be a little bit of a stranger no matter where I live now. Somewhere around the 5 year mark I think I started feeling like I had lost touch with what it meant to be a "normal" American. It becomes very difficult to relate to people living simple single culture lives either here or there.

I'm pretty well used to life here, but homesickness does come in waves even now. And like others have mentioned it's more of a general longing for a feeling of home, like the way it "feels" in the NE US during the fall. Not missing my favorite brand of potato chip or 4 physical walls somewhere. It's hard knowing my kids won't see a real halloween or things like that that I grew up with. On the other hand I know there are things I like that they are getting here that they wouldn't get back in the US.

No easy solutions for us long term expats I don't think.
 
#48 ·
Yep, after about 6 months of scortching hot summer here in Israel, I'm starting to daydream about the pacific north west. Or even the Northeastern states....or mountain towns with lots of trees, changing leaves. And pumpkins (no pumpkins in Israel...only large speghetti squash...or butternut or acorn). And my family.


Very much thinking of moving back. I've heard the magic 5 year time frame as well. We are at 4 years now.
 
#49 ·
I'm from germany but dh is british, we decided to live in england because homeschooling is illegal in germany. ( even though i must admit that the beach & the lovely countryside were big points,too.)
i find it hard to keep up traditions, but luckily we have a german playgroup we share celebrations with.

<3
 
#50 ·
Hi all! I'm British married t an Ameican now living in the USA. I hated it until we moved here. I think mst of the time dh frgets that I am from another culture which i so different to his.
 
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