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What would you to a MIL who says she can not visit very often because you work?

10K views 185 replies 46 participants last post by  That Is Nice 
#1 ·
Thank you for the responses.
 
#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by provocativa View Post
I think you should change your mind. She is toxic- you don't want her to bond to your kid, then he'll be caught up in her toxic cycle. I wish to point out that my in-laws are similar, and my dh has a similar history to your dh. He was abused as a child, worse by bio mom but also by stepmom and biodad, and he is verbally abusive and explosive to our family like your dh. His bio family ignores his existence, but is very involved in his brother's life and his half sisters. (His bio mom has been out of his life since he was 12). So, I am asserting in brief that the pattern of your mil ignoring you is part of the pattern which created the monster of your dh, and is similar to the pattern which created my monster dh. Jump at the chance to break your kids from their cycle of being treated as 'less than' the other grandkids.
I live in the jackass village too. My mom claims to be devoted to my kids, but only babysat for my brother's kids. My babies used to cry, why does nana love patty more. . . . I don't know what to do about it either. I really want to tell her to frack off, but I'm trying to leave my h and she might actually do some babysitting now. Sigh.
yes to the bolded. i only have one "good" grandparent. and she is the one who is now bonded and loves my kids. the others could care less, don't call, don't send cards etc but we were pretty much raised to not expect much (my parents made up for it, they knew their parents were awful to them, didn't want them etc) and its not because they hate us or anything that is just who they are. they like my cousins better and we respect that and are kind if they ever do come to visit or we speak on the phone. however we do have a running joke when my grandparents visit (they have always stayed with my uncle) that we are not the "favorites" but really we could care less!!
 
#28 ·
American families kind of suck at being supportive. I wish it were different. It's not like this in any of the foreign families I've met, or even in American families heavily influenced by a "mother culture" (including my own.) I hear this stuff all the time on here, and IRL too. I think that I got lucky with my MIL, who is pretty helpful, but even so there is just something off. Like I know that my there is a line that I couldn't expect my MIL to cross in terms of helping out family, but that line doesn't exist with my family. Like I know my dh, my kids, and I could all go live with my mom (and sis and BIL and their 2 kids) in her house without a second thought. I'm talking permantly. Because to my family, that's just what you do for family, whatever you have to. But I don't think I could do that with MIL, and that's always in the back of my mind.

OP- do you think this underlying hostility is directed at you, or DH? Is the family she visits her "favorite" child's? Either way, sounds totally toxic. You guys need to circle the wagons with some good friends and make a new kind of family. Because, yeah, it totally takes a village.
 
#30 ·
Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.
 
#31 ·
I didn't read all the replies...but from the sounds of it, it seems like you want her to come help out with the kids and you're irritated that she does that for the other grandkids...but...

Does she?

I mean, maybe she doesn't WANT to spend a weeks vacation "helping out". Maybe she wants to come see you guys with no pressure to help? Maybe she'd just like to chill and play with the grandkids and enjoy your company vs. knowing you want her to be the designated week long sitter?

I know you didn't SAY that's what you want...but you also didn't say it's not, and since you seem fixated on her needing to "help" I thought I'd might point out the above.

I know if it was me, I'd rather visit the people without expectations? I'm not trying to be rude here, just throwing it out there
 
#32 ·
I should always read the entire thread before posting, no? Geez, lol!

Sorry - ignore the above response. I got it now!

I don't know your history, but from the other posters it sounds like you've been having ongoing issues. I'd just give up. Sounds like, for whatever reason, she prefers the other family.

That's sh*tty and sad and I'm sorry
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Skippy918 View Post
Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.
I probably didn't or couldn't convey everything in one post.
We do invite her and her husband (FIL) to come and go on outings. FIL isn't the outing kind of person, so I'm told over and over again. He rarely, rarely comes but he always flies to visit the other grandchildren and stays a week or more. So, usually every year ends with both FIL and MIL spending 4 weeks or more at the other grandchildrens' house 3000 miles away and a handful of hours or days spent with us. This has been happening for years.

MIL is a little better than FIL. She will come on outings. I've extended multiple and plenty of invitations to come to children's museums, parks, museums, fairs, field trips, you name it.

The problem is she only ever comes for a few hours, or maybe a quick overnight where she leaves first thing the next day.

In stark, stark contrast she goes and spends weeks at a time with the other grandkids and recently said it was because they have a stay-at-home mom and I work.

There was a time when I was a stay-at-home mom and she treated us no differently then. She still would only come for a few hours so it seems like she's just throwing out lame excuses.

I don't even really expect her to babysit. I would like for her to babysit sort of on an emergency basis, but I don't expect it. I do expect fairness and for her to spend more time than she does with this grandchild of hers.

It's a major difference of opinions between MIL and myself. It's not a new issue. It's been ongoing and I've addressed multiple times. It's just this last time that she came out and said it was because one daughter in law is a stay-at-home mom and I work. Ack. Just seems like that shouldn't really matter.
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Skippy918 View Post
Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.
Thanks.

Oh, they're taking care of the kids, even on their own at times. BIL and SIL often use the week long visits when the grandparents fly in 4 times a year to go on mini-vacations. They will often go to resorts, camping, and get away when the inlaws come to town. I think that greats. I am glad BIL and SIL have that.

I just want my inlaws to do something similar to us, but every time I bring it up they basically come up with excuses left and right and start the blame game and say we should just come visit them for a weekend. Not really the same, you know?

But, yeah, you are right. It is like a vacation. They probably view it that way. It's a warmer climate and BIL has a pool which I know they like and I think they probably enjoy BIL and SIL's company...they're all quite familar with each other and the relationship is more developed because my inlaws have been going down there for weeks every 4 months for years and years.

When they visit us in such a rushed and infrequently fashion, there simply isn't the time to develop a relationship, you know? Everything is short and truncated.
 
#35 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I wouldn't characterize what she's said as outright lies, just illogical twists and turns to justify.

But mostly she's full of illogical twists and turns of logic that are just attempts at excuses to make herself not look so bad. Probably she is defensive.

Sounds like the apple didnt fall to far from the rotten apple tree.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Banana731 View Post
American families kind of suck at being supportive. I wish it were different. It's not like this in any of the foreign families I've met, or even in American families heavily influenced by a "mother culture" (including my own.) I hear this stuff all the time on here, and IRL too. I think that I got lucky with my MIL, who is pretty helpful, but even so there is just something off. Like I know that my there is a line that I couldn't expect my MIL to cross in terms of helping out family, but that line doesn't exist with my family. Like I know my dh, my kids, and I could all go live with my mom (and sis and BIL and their 2 kids) in her house without a second thought. I'm talking permantly. Because to my family, that's just what you do for family, whatever you have to. But I don't think I could do that with MIL, and that's always in the back of my mind.

OP- do you think this underlying hostility is directed at you, or DH? Is the family she visits her "favorite" child's? Either way, sounds totally toxic. You guys need to circle the wagons with some good friends and make a new kind of family. Because, yeah, it totally takes a village.
ita with this! my mil stayed with us and did everything (cleaning, laundry, cooking etc) even when i told her not to! their family and culture really do take care of each other.
 
#37 ·
ok, so if your MIL is a toxic person maybe it is a good thing she is staying away.

as for her unfair (in your opinion) devision of her time and labors with her sons and her grandchildren... let me tell you my story.

when i do work i have a very very flexible schedule (i am an RN) so when my MIL does come to visit (no matter where we have lived) she gets alot of company and is always happy to watch the kids if dh and i go on a date or something. she will also fold the clothes or do the dishes while i cook dinner. plus we do stuff together. take the kids places. when she visits she helps out, but mostly she has a great time and gets to relax and do fun stuff. NOW dh's brother and his wife have a very very busy schedule they both work long hours most days a week (SIL works 4-5 10 hour days a week, BIL work 5 12 hour days a week) they come home have a quick dinner and then everyone goes to bed. when my MIL is there she watches the kids, fixes dinner, does the laundry, what ever will help my BIL and SIL... but she doesn't like it much. she is still so sweet and will go see them often, but she has said she likes coming to our house better because she actually gets to visit, not just do chores and baby sit. i have no idea what your life looks like, but even if both you and dh work and even if it is just 8 hours a day, that is still a big chunk of the day. she would be at your house not visiting with you or her son, just watching kids and doing chores. not much of a vacation. now, like i said my MIL will happily go to their house for a couple weeks 3-4 times a year (especially in the summer when the kids are not in school), but it is lonely and a bit boring for her. god love her, she is the best damn MIL i could hope for.

h
 
#38 ·
My MIL is really, really helpful.

My own mother really wants to be, but it rarely works out. There's the germ phobia (so she can't help if my son is sick, at least not with certain kinds of illness) and a bunch of other reasons. She has helped sometimes; I'm not trying to say she hasn't. But it is always on her terms and it's not something I can rely on for the most part (sometimes if it's extreme enough she will sort of rouse herself).

But I also jumped in because my mother loves to stay with my sister and brother-in-law. They tend to have large "McMansion" type homes - really lovely and really new and really sterile, and with big guest bedrooms with nothing in the closets and their own bathrooms. Which is great. I live in an urban area where space is at a premium (although we're suburban) and I guess I also have a philosophy that our space is primarily for us to live in, so we don't have dedicated guest rooms - we have rooms with pull-out couches that are also dens and such.

In my defense I have to say my space is clean and not very cluttered and it's pleasant, I think. But we don't own houses where we have sort of no-live zones.

Anyways my mother lives close, but when we were thinking of moving further away she out and out told me she prefers to stay with my sister and that she prefers how my sister and her husband live. Even though I was 34 and had had therapy wow did that ever hurt. There's no question that we're more laid-back and casual and not all my cutlery matches, but not only did I not think that was very important - when I was growing up my parents were hippies and TAUGHT me that those things were NOT IMPORTANT.

So I felt really cheated.

However, after years of mulling it over I've realized that's my mom. She does at this point prefer my sister and...it sucks and I really don't think parents should ever SAY that...but that's how it is. I try to just work with her and my relationship where it is rather than comparing.

The irony is...years later, she basically implied to my sister that I'm a better mother...WHAT??? My sister is the best mother to her child that she can be. It's nuts.

I hope you can find support, but it doesn't sound like your MIL is it. I was wondering if you guys had room for an au pair on top of your daycare? (Some more money, definitely some space loss.) It might help.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
But, yeah, you are right. It is like a vacation. They probably view it that way. It's a warmer climate and BIL has a pool ...
I think you just found your answer. Also they probably take you a bit for granted, you are there, whenever they feel like seeing you. The others are so far it feels like a getaway.

And they have a POOL! You can't compete with that, can you?

 
#40 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hakeber View Post
And they have a POOL! You can't compete with that, can you?


Ya know... it's possible that your SIL is on a forum somewhere posting about how put out she feels because her MIL comes to visit too frequently and she suspects it's just because they have a pool and want a cheap vacation!

She may be saying something like, "They invite themselves to our house multiple times a year and expect to be catered to all day. They don't interact with the children unless hubby and I force them to by going away for a couple of days. I swear, if we didn't go to a hotel, I'd likely be strangling my MIL!

I'm so jealous of my SIL. Even though she lives much closer to the in-laws, they never bother her... probably because they know that since she works outside of the home, she's not available to make their morning coffee, whip together a gourmet lunch, make sure the beach towels are clean and dry and keep the children quiet so that they can nap."

Eh? Eh?? Sound plausible??
 
#41 ·
I'm sorry that you don't have more support.

I do think, though, that you are setting yourself up for disappointment by continuing to have unrealistic expectations of your MIL. If you expect nothing from her, you won't ever be disappointed.

Like another poster said, grieve for what you don't have and move on. It is not worth your time to dwell on a relationship that will never be.

 
#42 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by VillageMom6 View Post
Ya know... it's possible that your SIL is on a forum somewhere posting about how put out she feels because her MIL comes to visit too frequently and she suspects it's just because they have a pool and want a cheap vacation!

She may be saying something like, "They invite themselves to our house multiple times a year and expect to be catered to all day. They don't interact with the children unless hubby and I force them to by going away for a couple of days. I swear, if we didn't go to a hotel, I'd likely be strangling my MIL!

I'm so jealous of my SIL. Even though she lives much closer to the in-laws, they never bother her... probably because they know that since she works outside of the home, she's not available to make their morning coffee, whip together a gourmet lunch, make sure the beach towels are clean and dry and keep the children quiet so that they can nap."

Eh? Eh?? Sound plausible??

Ha.

You may be right. Good point.

(Are you my SIL, secretly??)


I'm sure at certain times, my SIL may have thought some of these things. I know there has been a time or two where the inlaws sort of wore out their welcome.

Generally, though, I think my SIL loves that they visit the length they do and as frequently. It allows her to run errands and to get away for a few days.

She's also mentioned to me several times how good of care the inlaws take of her two young children. And how our inlaws come down and spend hundreds of dollars each time on them to help out and to be nice. My inlaws have been fairly generous with the other set of the family.

But yeah, you may have a point about perspectives.
 
#43 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hakeber View Post

And they have a POOL! You can't compete with that, can you?


No, I guess not. We're never gonna have a pool. And we're not in the climate for it.

Yes, I'm sure my inlaws love flying away, going to a warmer climate, sitting pool side, etc.

They've mentioned that many times. They like the heat. They like the pool. BIL has a giant flat screen that's like - what's the big dimension - 50 in? Bigger? I don't know.

My inlaws LOVE that.

They've mentioned it.

Funny story...we have a small 19 inch tv as the main tv. It's one of the heavy, old ones. I don't put much priority on tv. My mother-in-law was at our house a year or so ago and said, "That little tv is what you watch??"

She was pretty shocked. Not their style. Not that they're all about tv, but as DH says, it's what they understand. They don't get the smaller, older tv.

There is also a guest bedroom, I guess, and we do not have one. I'm sure that has come up because my SIL once said her advice was to "buy a bed."

I don't think my inlaws understand how tight finances are when you are paying for daycare. They don't get that. They never paid for daycare. DH's mom stayed home for 9 years.

So, yeah, I guess we can't compete. I'm not Suzy Homemaker...sorry...I just don't have the time nor the money to put together a nice vacation package for my inlaws at my house. I wish that didn't get in the way of them wanting to visit, but I guess it does.

Also, my attitude is that they are unfair, because they are and have been for years, and they don't like that attitude however justified.
 
#44 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
My MIL is really, really helpful.

My own mother really wants to be, but it rarely works out. There's the germ phobia (so she can't help if my son is sick, at least not with certain kinds of illness) and a bunch of other reasons. She has helped sometimes; I'm not trying to say she hasn't. But it is always on her terms and it's not something I can rely on for the most part (sometimes if it's extreme enough she will sort of rouse herself).

But I also jumped in because my mother loves to stay with my sister and brother-in-law. They tend to have large "McMansion" type homes - really lovely and really new and really sterile, and with big guest bedrooms with nothing in the closets and their own bathrooms. Which is great. I live in an urban area where space is at a premium (although we're suburban) and I guess I also have a philosophy that our space is primarily for us to live in, so we don't have dedicated guest rooms - we have rooms with pull-out couches that are also dens and such.

In my defense I have to say my space is clean and not very cluttered and it's pleasant, I think. But we don't own houses where we have sort of no-live zones.

Anyways my mother lives close, but when we were thinking of moving further away she out and out told me she prefers to stay with my sister and that she prefers how my sister and her husband live. Even though I was 34 and had had therapy wow did that ever hurt. There's no question that we're more laid-back and casual and not all my cutlery matches, but not only did I not think that was very important - when I was growing up my parents were hippies and TAUGHT me that those things were NOT IMPORTANT.

So I felt really cheated.

However, after years of mulling it over I've realized that's my mom. She does at this point prefer my sister and...it sucks and I really don't think parents should ever SAY that...but that's how it is. I try to just work with her and my relationship where it is rather than comparing.

The irony is...years later, she basically implied to my sister that I'm a better mother...WHAT??? My sister is the best mother to her child that she can be. It's nuts.

I hope you can find support, but it doesn't sound like your MIL is it. I was wondering if you guys had room for an au pair on top of your daycare? (Some more money, definitely some space loss.) It might help.
Well, once again, my friend, I feel like you get this and put it in perspective.

Thank you.

We are so alike, you and I. What you described is my philosophy about life and space. I don't like clutter. A few years ago I began reading the decluttering forum here on MDC and books like the Not So Big House. I decided I was going to declutter my home and 4 years later, it's pretty decluttered. If anything is unuseful, doesn't have a space, and unnecessary, I donate it.

I don't have a lot of pictures on the walls (just some of my son's art work). I put all breakable knick knack kind of stuff like picture frames and some small pieces of art in storage in boxes when I babyproofed and the rest I donated. I do miss a few of the special pieces but with an ADHD pre-schooler running around, I'm going to wait a few years before setting them out again.

We don't own a lot of furniture. We got rid of a worn, sagging love seat/couch that was really too short about a year ago and I haven't replaced it due to finances and instability with DH. What am I going to do? Buy a new couch and then try to sell my house and move into an apartment? Now isn't the time to buy furniture.

But MIL mentions the missing couch...a lot. We have chairs. No couch. Sorry.
MIL also mentioned to my DH she doesn't like visiting because our home isn't homey. She noted the lack of pictures on the walls and a few storage boxes. She doesn't like it.


We have a very small tv by American standards. MIL also has pointed this out. We have a small, older 19 inch tv for the main, living room tv. I shut it in a cabinet. I don't think tv is important and I never want it to be the centerpiece of my living room, you know? With all furniture oriented around the tv? Nope. Not my style.

We also do not have a guest bedroom. And we have no plans to add one soon. When MIL comes, she uses an inflatable mattress. I don't see a problem with that.

By contrast, MIL and FIL have a giant television with all furniture oriented towards it. BIL does, too. MIL and FIL love the giant flat screen tv. It's something understand, as DH has said. They don't get a 19 inch tv. They think it's sort of crazy.

MIL and FIL love BIL's in ground pool. He lives in a warmer climate where it makes sense to have a pool, I guess. I on the other hand am an environmentalist and I probably would not have a personal play pool for water conservation reasons and money pit reasons. I like the public pool and splash park (free!). But MIL and FIL love in ground pools.

We don't have a grill. We don't grill a lot of food. I'm vegetarian and I don't buy meat for the house. MIL and FIL love to grill and to see a vegetarian meal as missing the main course. So, of course they love the grill BIL has and have spoken of it fondly.

Let's see...I'm sure there are other things.

Yes, we definitely have different lifestyles. FIL smokes and I don't allow smoking in my house. I have a child with asthma. My own dad smokes and when he visits, I treat him the same as I treat my FIL, but FIL gets offended and sullen while my dad takes it in stride. My son gets on both my dad and FIL to stop smoking because it's bad for your health. My dad responds by saying, "hey, kid, good job, maybe you'll save me money if I quit!" FIL gets mightily offended and thinks I'm feeding my kid lines.

But still to hear MIL say she can't visit because I'm not a SAHM and SIL is just is crazy!! That's not the real reason!
 
#45 ·
Given all this, I have NO idea, why you'd want them to visit. Sounds like your values are in opposition, she criticizes your lifestyle and your parenting, and she's not interested in being part of your family. What would be the point? Any "help" she would give would be more trouble than it was worth.

I honestly don't get the gripe here. Yeah, I suppose it's "unfair," but so what? I don't want people in my life who are negative about my life.
 
#46 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hakeber View Post
" and Dh said "well you haven't been invited yet, mom so that's a bit premature, isnt it?"


It seems like there are three distinct issues here.
1. this isn't fair and you want her to be fair.
2. you need help.
3. you want your ds to bond with your MIL.
other than wanting things to be fair, I think you need to really evaluate what exactly your child will gain from getting to bond with this woman. remember, she is a major part of the reason your dh is the way he is. Do you really want her having that kind of influence over who your ds turns out to be? If he is bonding to her, she will have that influence and control over him. I'm not sure that is really what you want to encourage.
As far as you getting the help you want, you probably need to look outside of family for that.
 
#47 ·
I struggle with this as well. in this case my FIL and his wife made several trips to see her grandnieces in ATL, but NEVER visited us only 4 hrs away. Even DHs brother gets more attention. They live 2 hrs away now and didn't even come up for DS's bday party with a month's notice, but drove 7 hrs for DH's niece's bday.

I strewed, I was angry, and you know what?

I just decided I was spending too much wasted energy on them. If they don't want the relationship with my kids, I can't force it. I will keep inviting them, and maybe someday they'll count all the times they've turned down our hospitality. Fortunately my kids have my parents that are enjoying their proximity.
 
#48 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
We have a very small tv by American standards. MIL also has pointed this out. We have a small, older 19 inch tv for the main, living room tv. I shut it in a cabinet. I don't think tv is important and I never want it to be the centerpiece of my living room, you know? With all furniture oriented around the tv? Nope. Not my style....

But still to hear MIL say she can't visit because I'm not a SAHM and SIL is just is crazy!! That's not the real reason!
I'm laughing because of the TV thing. My sister and BIL have a media room with a 72-inch projector and surround sound (or did; they're moving but their new house will too I'm sure) and then they have several other massive plasma TVs, and my BIL wired the house so you can play any movie they own from their video server to any television. It truly is television paradise.

We have a 22" colour television I bought used in 1998 (an upgrade from the black and white tv we had at that time) and I have to admit that the quality is pretty darn poor - it's not a visually rich experience (we do have nice speakers 'cause our stereo's on the same system and we have a music thing). And no cable. And I do think guests, particularly ones who stay over days we are working, can find it challenging, although I try to point them to our entire seasons of Mad Men and Heroes. And let them use our art gallery and museum membership which we buy in lieu of new TV sets.


I don't know why your MIL said that - I'm guessing she was searching for a reason for something she's never fully verbalized to herself and it came out wrong. And it was hurtful. And not right. And I realized reading that that of course it hit home because you do struggle with that life-work balance thing so hard every day right now.

You do deserve better...but I doubt it's going to happen y'know? It sucks.
 
#49 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I'm laughing because of the TV thing. My sister and BIL have a media room with a 72-inch projector and surround sound (or did; they're moving but their new house will too I'm sure) and then they have several other massive plasma TVs, and my BIL wired the house so you can play any movie they own from their video server to any television. It truly is television paradise.

We have a 22" colour television I bought used in 1998 (an upgrade from the black and white tv we had at that time) and I have to admit that the quality is pretty darn poor - it's not a visually rich experience (we do have nice speakers 'cause our stereo's on the same system and we have a music thing). And no cable. And I do think guests, particularly ones who stay over days we are working, can find it challenging, although I try to point them to our entire seasons of Mad Men and Heroes. And let them use our art gallery and museum membership which we buy in lieu of new TV sets.


I don't know why your MIL said that - I'm guessing she was searching for a reason for something she's never fully verbalized to herself and it came out wrong. And it was hurtful. And not right. And I realized reading that that of course it hit home because you do struggle with that life-work balance thing so hard every day right now.

You do deserve better...but I doubt it's going to happen y'know? It sucks.
Thanks so much. You get it. Exactly.
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Carita View Post
I struggle with this as well. in this case my FIL and his wife made several trips to see her grandnieces in ATL, but NEVER visited us only 4 hrs away. Even DHs brother gets more attention. They live 2 hrs away now and didn't even come up for DS's bday party with a month's notice, but drove 7 hrs for DH's niece's bday.

I strewed, I was angry, and you know what?

I just decided I was spending too much wasted energy on them. If they don't want the relationship with my kids, I can't force it. I will keep inviting them, and maybe someday they'll count all the times they've turned down our hospitality. Fortunately my kids have my parents that are enjoying their proximity.
Thanks. Yes, this is exactly what my feelings are from beginning to end. I am seeing there won't be fairness - sometimes I deal with that better than others. Most of the time, I get so busy with parenting, work, life that I don't have time to think about it.

It's when things start to get really stressful and I know I could use some help, and then I think of what MIL could help with if she did for us what she does for the other set of grandchildren that I get wishful, I guess.

But what can you do?

Just what you wrote in the last paragraph, I guess.

I was just mad as hell that she would use the excuse that I work and her other DIL is a stay-at-home mom. Not accurate, not right.

But, oh well.

I'm off to make my son pancakes and have a good Sunday on this sunny summer day. I'm not gonna ruin my entire weekend!
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by waiflywaif View Post
Given all this, I have NO idea, why you'd want them to visit.


Yeah, I guess I don't really have a desire for them to visit, not for my sake.

I could use help, but that's probably not going to turn out OK even if things changed.

And so much has been said and done now that I don't think things will change.

I grieve for my son. It would be nice to have more resources for him. And people to love him and be there for him. That's the issue, but I am pretty adamant that they aren't allowed to treat him like he's less. No way. I'm sure they do love him, and I know they think I'm difficult and I'm the main problem, but they could make things fair if they wanted to.

Anyway, too much time devoted to thinking about my MIL and her inane comment.

I'm moving on to sunnier things.


Thanks for all the good thoughts and support. Love you all. Really.
 
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