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I need last name help...

3K views 68 replies 41 participants last post by  ~adorkable~ 
#1 ·
So, I have a hyphenated given name that I love. I didn't change my name when we got married because I am a professional and name recognition is important in my field. Dh and I talked a lot about future babies' names and have flitted all over the place with ideas:

-we'll make up our own family name (Dh isn't fond of this idea
-I'll just suck it up and change my name
-Dh will change his name (He is not willing)
-Boy children will have the first part of my last name (otherwise it will go away) and girl children will have DH's last name
-Children will all have DH's last name
-Children will each have their own last name ie first part of my last name, DH last name, Dh's maternal father's last name, etc
-Giving children their first name, middles names, my last name, dh's last name

DH was concerned at first if the kids have different last names then people won't think they were "his". I countered that with, well, if we default to your name people might not think they were mine. He has since eased on this point. I just feel so stuck. I never imagined that what last name my child had would matter to me as much as it does. It probably doesn't help that Dh's family hasn't ever been very nice to me and in fact was very unkind to me for the first year we were married. I don't expect them to embrace our kids (it would be *wonderful* if they did but I'm not expecting it) so giving my children their name just seems wrong.

Anyway. If I didn't already have a hyphenated last name I probably would have just done that. Our current solution is giving the kids first name, middles names, my last name, dh's last name which makes for a very long name but seems the most equitable although I'm sure on the birth certificate the "last name" will be Dh's.

Why does this bother me? How do we move on? What would you do in a similar situation?

Thanks!
Jenne
 
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#52 ·
When your great-grandhildren and descendants beyond that trying researching their family history, this is all going to be so confusing for them. Sometimes it is just simpler to go with tradition. I am also a feminist, but my love of having one family name that unites us in the eyes of others trumps that in this instance.

My divorced sister-in-law went back to her maiden name after the divorce, but her kids have their father's last name. Now she is engaged to a new man, and has talked about keeping her maiden name. So what on earth is the identity of this new family going to be? "Hello, you have reached the Anderson-Brooks-Wellington residence?" For people who meet her through the new hubby or her kids, for the rest of her life, she will be Mrs. "new hubby" or Mrs. "name of children." And not that we should all live our lives for the sake of others, but think how hard it would be for someone to try and look her up when necessary and her name is completely different than both her husband AND her kids. It also can make other people resentful on some level when there is no way they can even make an educated guess what your name should be.

All in all, give the kids their father's last name. Just because I don't have my maiden name anymore doesn't mean I belong any less to my own family or any more to DH's. And frankly, my maiden name was a whole lot easier for everyone than it is for English-speakers to figure out DH's. Nevertheless, it was a happy sacrifice on my part for the sake of our new family.

Just my 2-cents worth.
 
#53 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
Yeah, this is what I tried to do at first but since 9/11 their are more restrictions on this. For instance I can't have a driver's license with one name with a SS# with another. Nor can I have a bank account with a name different than what's on my DL. Further I cannot change the name associated with my SS# without also changing all my professional numbers.
Huh - my SS# and passport are under my maiden name (just never changed it over) but my driver's license and everything else are under my married name. I have to file taxes under my maiden name, but I have had no problems with it ever. What state are you in? Maybe that is the difference? I'm in Oregon fwiw.
 
#54 ·
Oh, I forgot to add, DH's middle name is hyphenated - he has both of his grandfather's first names. It hasn't been a problem except for when the bank decided to put his full name on his debit card... he lost the last 6 letters of his last name! When they call for a middle initial, we just put R-F or R (it's Ralph-Franklin).
 
#55 ·
I had a teacher in school who had a professional job and then also taught just for fun at the school. For her professional job she went by her given last name, however at school she used her husbands last name. I remember for her kids they all had her husbands last name, but to keep students from finding out her phone number and where she lived all that good stuff her and her husband went by her last name. I dont know what last name she used on any id's and such but just thought somehow this might help.
 
#56 ·
I am late to the party but this thread is super interesting to me. No one has mentioned the alternative that my DH and I chose -- alternating last names. Our first son has his last name (he went first bc the first name we chose was the only boy name we liked that went with his last name) and our second son has my last name. We plan on 4 kids so it will hopefully come out even. I *sort of* understand why people want to have one family name, but I don't share those feelings. I was never going to consider changing my name to my DH's because I hate his last name and because I have a law degree and after studying about coverture there was no way I could wrap my head around doing something that has historical echoes of women as property. If other women want to do it, that's their choice, and most do, but I just couldn't.

No one has really questioned us yet in terms of day care, doctors office visits etc., though our families are not supportive of the decision, but I told them to suck it up and get over it because they had no say. I would have preferred for all the kids to have my last name bc it's the better name, but DH didn't want to change his and wanted some representation, so we compromised. It's sort of interesting too, and probably indicative of how little I value names, that I don't have the same last name as my parents because of a falling out we had when I was in my 20s where my mother suggested I legally change it and I called her bluff. I picked my last name from the phone book -- literally! It was a HUGE hassle to do all the paperwork involved in getting a new SS card, etc etc., so I would never do it again.

I guess I just don't think about names much. We are the DH'slastname/Mylastname Family. Our relationships to each other have nothing to do with whether we all have the same name. But thanks for this interesting thread, and good luck, OP, with your decision! No matter what you decide, it'll be fine.
 
#57 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by snguyen View Post
When your great-grandhildren and descendants beyond that trying researching their family history, this is all going to be so confusing for them. Sometimes it is just simpler to go with tradition. I am also a feminist, but my love of having one family name that unites us in the eyes of others trumps that in this instance.

My divorced sister-in-law went back to her maiden name after the divorce, but her kids have their father's last name. Now she is engaged to a new man, and has talked about keeping her maiden name. So what on earth is the identity of this new family going to be? "Hello, you have reached the Anderson-Brooks-Wellington residence?" For people who meet her through the new hubby or her kids, for the rest of her life, she will be Mrs. "new hubby" or Mrs. "name of children." And not that we should all live our lives for the sake of others, but think how hard it would be for someone to try and look her up when necessary and her name is completely different than both her husband AND her kids. It also can make other people resentful on some level when there is no way they can even make an educated guess what your name should be.

All in all, give the kids their father's last name. Just because I don't have my maiden name anymore doesn't mean I belong any less to my own family or any more to DH's. And frankly, my maiden name was a whole lot easier for everyone than it is for English-speakers to figure out DH's. Nevertheless, it was a happy sacrifice on my part for the sake of our new family.

Just my 2-cents worth.
Ah, the tradition argument always raises my hackles. Lots of things were tradition (being allowed to beat one's wife with a stick, so long as it was not thicker than one's thumb, slavery, denying women the right to vote, etc.) that people upheld because it was tradition. Sorry, the tradition argument doesn't work for me.

Neither does the family tree argument. I'm adopted--an old-school, 1970s closed adoption...which means that family trees mean very little to me. I am the start of my own family tree, at least so far as genetics is concerned (always fun in school biology, when we had to trace family lineage for dominant/recessive genes, which is a different thread entirely...). I mean, I guess it's fun and all to be able to research one's family tree, if that's something that interests you, but I don't see it as a valid argument for why a person should change her (or his) last name. Plus, given the current mania for ancestor-hunting, I'd guess folks for whom family trees are important will leave behind the documentation future progeny might want to document a family tree.

Finally, the issue of belonging isn't why I kept my last name--it's an issue of my identity. I was "Firstname Lastname" long before I met DH, and all that I accomplished was as such. Why should that person "disappear" (at least legally) just because we decided to sign a marriage contract as two equal parties?

Hmmm...I realize this post probably sounds contentious, which I don't mean it to be, but the whole tradition argument (which I get from family members) really rankles me. So, my apologies if this comes across as spoiling for a fight...I think I'm just feeling super-cranky today.

Quote:
I am late to the party but this thread is super interesting to me. No one has mentioned the alternative that my DH and I chose -- alternating last names. Our first son has his last name (he went first bc the first name we chose was the only boy name we liked that went with his last name) and our second son has my last name. We plan on 4 kids so it will hopefully come out even. I *sort of* understand why people want to have one family name, but I don't share those feelings. I was never going to consider changing my name to my DH's because I hate his last name and because I have a law degree and after studying about coverture there was no way I could wrap my head around doing something that has historical echoes of women as property. If other women want to do it, that's their choice, and most do, but I just couldn't.
DH and I considered this option as well...but we don't know if we'll decide to have more than one kid, so we figured we'd go with the hyphenation, so all parties are represented equally (he's also an attorney
).
 
#59 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurski View Post
Finally, the issue of belonging isn't why I kept my last name--it's an issue of my identity. I was "Firstname Lastname" long before I met DH, and all that I accomplished was as such. Why should that person "disappear" (at least legally) just because we decided to sign a marriage contract as two equal parties?


DH comes from a more conservative culture than I do. Think Dharma and Greg. His parents have never said anything to me about keeping my name, but what drives me crazy is that some of his friends (one in particular) occasionally comment on it, albeit jokingly. And especially when we were first married, these friends would address mail to both of us under his last name. Why is it at all their business?
 
#60 ·
Yeah, names and naming, especially last names are such an emotional thing!
I get the whole tradition for traditions sake argument. I also get the whole buck tradition just because it is tradition argument! It primarily depends on the day of the week how strongly I feel one way or the other.


At our house we are at an impasse albeit we have narrowed to 2 options. 2 last names or hyphenated my first last name-dh last name.

I actually poked around on some other sites dealing with last names and hyphenation and came to the conclusion that I really admire people who hyphenated their children's names along with some guidelines for the children on how to proceed in the future. These were mainly people hoping to switch to a more matrilineal or more balanced last name framework. I think that is really cool.

Thank you again for all the opinions! I really appreciate it!


Jenne
 
#61 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
At our house we are at an impasse albeit we have narrowed to 2 options. 2 last names or hyphenated my first last name-dh last name.

Jenne
I'm glad you've gotten down to 2 options. Naming is such an emotional issue, and I really enjoy that we seem to be moving in our culture towards conscious choosing of names rather than default- regardless of the end result name.

I just wanted to mention one thing that I didn't see anyone else mention- I have no idea if it has bearing for you...

Like I said earlier, my DS, my DH and I all have hyphenated LNs. When my DS was born, no big deal. When we were married, though (years after DS was born) and went to the SS office to legally hyphenate- we were told that the hyphen did not legally exist in terms of the SS office or birth certificates in my state anymore.
So, even though we wanted a hyphen, the SS administration no longer recognizes the hyphen, so, on our SS cards, we have 2 independent LNs.

When I questioned the SS employee about it (as my DS certainly has the hyphen on his SS card), I was told they had overhauled the computer system and the computer system wouldn't let them enter the hyphen anymore. I have no idea if this is valid (I do know there is no - on our SS cards), or if, perhaps they have changed it since, but I thought you might want to know that, in terms of some legal documents, 2 last names or hyphenated LNs will appear the same.

Interestingly, this is not the case for either my passport or my DL. I have a hyphen on them, even tho it doesn't appear on my SS card.


g/l with your continued decision.
 
#62 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
Changing your name is not abusive, like spousal abuse, slavery or denying ones rights.

Really not a fair connection there in any form.
I'd have to disagree. What I'm talking about it from the perspective of the tradition argument--the form of the argument ("Well, that's the way it's always been done, so therefore we should continue to do it in the same way, just because it's tradition"), not the substance.

Anyway, to refocus: Jenne, I'm so glad you've managed to narrow it down to 2 options as well! You and babygrey are absolutely right--names can carry such emotional weight, and it really is wonderful that we live in a time where we have options, rather than default expectations. Best of luck with your final decision!

(Also--babygrey--fascinating info about the hyphen! I guess when baby is born DH and I will enter the same weird world of SS regulations and hyphens! I wonder what they do with other punctuation--I'd guess that apostrophes are still recognized?)
 
#64 ·
I don't know if this helps any, but we have decided that my two word last name (not hyphenated) will be on the baby's birth certificate and dp's last name will be what the baby goes by.

dd has her biodad's last name though wants to change her name to what I stated above to be like the rest of the family...so essentially, the kids will have the same last name and we each keep our own last name. If we ever get married, we *may* both hyphenate so we are all the same, but it's unlikely we will ever get married anyways...

it's a complicated issue...even more complicated when there is more than one father in the situation...luckily dd's father is not in her life and she has no attachment to him or his name.
 
#65 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ThisCat View Post
Not all traditions are pernicious, and I would think someone who chose marriage might realize that some traditions have value and meaning and can change over time. And honestly, I think it's bit inconsistent to put it nicely for someone who chose marriage to come down on tradition so harshly.

Anyway, I'm not sure what your goal was of throwing out such an inflammatory statement equating name changing to slavery or wife beating. The PP you quoted was not making the "argument" than anyone blindly follow tradition and damn the consequences.

I get that you feel your name is tied to your identity and respect your decision to not change it, but to imply than anyone might "disappear" when she changes her name is absurd. I added my husbands last name to mine shortly after getting married, and I can assure I didn't disappear legally or otherwise. It might have been nice though in some ways. I could have gotten rid of thousands of dollars of student loans. Funny thing is though that the bank still knew it was me. Luckily my friends and family did too, and I still recognized my reflection in the mirror. I am still here. I am not my name. If you hadn't made the comparison to wife beating, I might not have felt the need to point that out to you. But I just wanted to let you know that even though I changed my name, I actually still exist in the eyes of the law and everyone else and that my husband can't beat me now with a stick or otherwise. I can still vote too. My, how times have changed.
Never said all traditions were pernicious, hence my willingness (for a variety of reasons) to get married (although by a justice of the peace--already a violation of tradition!). My point about tradition is that it is often used in the argument for changing one's name as if that is the only reason to change one's last name. I absolutely respect people's right to follow traditions, but I am bothered when folks do so simply because it is "easy" or "expected" or "what has always been done." Following tradition because it is "simpler" (something that *was* suggested in a previous post) just doesn't seem, to me, to be a sufficient reason for doing something that's traditional.

I'm sorry if you found my point about slavery, rules on wifely treatment, or suffrage offensive; it was not meant to be. As I noted earlier, my point is about the form of certain traditions--things were done a certain way for a long time simply because it was traditional. Changing tradition meant upsetting the "normal" way things were done, and so the argument that something was "traditional" was used to support behavior and ideals that today we'd find abhorrent.

A previous poster mentioned the issue of coverture--this is where the tradition of a woman changing her name from her father's last name to her husband's comes from. When a woman married, she became legally "covered" by her husband (a nice nifty way in many societies to prevent women from voting, holding property, entering into legal contracts, etc.). While yes, of course, you do exist and haven't *literally* disappeared (which is not something I suggested, hence the modifier "legally"), but when a person changes her (or his) name, and therefore changes all of their formal documentation, they have, to my knowledge legally "disappeared" as their previous selves. (Hence the need to change one's name on the SS card, driver's license, credit cards, student loans, etc.)

I'm not quite sure why the sarcasm in your post, or the hostility; I apologize if you think I'm attacking people's choices for doing with their last name what they will. I'm honestly not. The issue of last names is something I'm passionate about, and I really value the hard work and care of folks like the OP who are working through how to negotiate the messy waters of last names without cavalierly relying on the tradition argument.

Change your last name, don't change your last name, go with one name like Madonna--in the end, I don't really care. But at least have a logical, well-reasoned position on why you've chosen the last name you have. That, in the end, is really all I wish for, when the issue of last names comes up.
 
#66 ·
After a long, contemplative walk with my dog, I've decided I'm officially banning myself from this thread. First, I've gotten it way off track. Second, 38 weeks preggos is way too pregnant to be getting this worked up about last names. I've made my choices, y'all make yours, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.

Best of luck to OP and everyone else deciding on last names for themselves and/or their little ones!
 
#67 ·
Laurski, sorry you are self banning. I liked what you had to say.

I haven't read the whole thread and maybe I missed the really yucky bits?

Anyway, we have an interesting name story I thought I would share. I had a boring last name and DH had an interesting one. Still, it rankled to think of taking his name. Why? He also insisted that we not do that because he didn't like what it represented. We were both committed to a common family name. His name was on the long side to hyphenate. Our choice? We blended the names to make a new one.

We took a bit of flack for this decision. Worst from his grandma, Mrs Lastname who ironically was also born a Miss Lastname. Right, she married someone with her same name so never faced the choice herself.

We've been married 13 years now and we both love our solution. We love being the only ones with this name. I would consider it weird to have my kids have a different last name. Unintentionally our chosen new name is ethnically ambiguous and we have been adopted by many cultures from Italian to Polish as one of their own.

Good luck finding a solution that works and don't be afraid to be creative. A few years down the road, whatever you choose will probably be regarded as totally normal.
 
#68 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurski View Post
After a long, contemplative walk with my dog, I've decided I'm officially banning myself from this thread. First, I've gotten it way off track. Second, 38 weeks preggos is way too pregnant to be getting this worked up about last names. I've made my choices, y'all make yours, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.

Best of luck to OP and everyone else deciding on last names for themselves and/or their little ones!
I like what you had to say, too. But I'm one of the ones that hyphenated her kids names and kept my own.
 
#69 ·
I really kinda like the thinking that was mentioned that kids get their fathers name because it is clear who there mother is and it's nice to give dad a connection too.

And for me as a very strong woman I felt like dh giving me his name was him committing to me, not owning me. Me taking it was accepting his care and intent, not giving myself up in the least.
 
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