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Which SIL's side are you on?

  • Mainstream/Hawaii SIL

    Votes: 158 66.7%
  • Crunchy SIL

    Votes: 79 33.3%

Poll: Which SIL's side are you on?

5K views 96 replies 50 participants last post by  mamawanabe 
#1 ·
I'm just dying to see it in black and white -- it seems so very divided on the looooong SIL thread! I know most of you would qualify your choice with "I think they're both in the wrong, but...", so just assume that part is understood. But if you *had* to place yourself on one side or the other, which would it be? Mainstream/Hawaii SIL or Crunchy SIL?

 
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#52 ·
well then isn't the follow up posts that maya wrote csil's voice... it is...its just written out by maya

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But last year she asked for the TV to get shut off when her dd's wanted to come in the room to get stuff (and what is mostly on is Disney Channel stuff like Drake and Josh).

As for the movies, when the girls were going to watch the DVD of Legally Blonde, she said something like "Don't tell my girls that you are going to be watching a movie tonight, I dont' let them watch stuff like that. I will just take them out.")

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As for the chores thing, last year my nieces would say to their mom CSCIL "do we HAVE to set the table" and she'd say "not unless you want to"

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Again CSIL took one look and said "I can't believe your kids eat this stuff" and plopped down the big ol jar of pb and j.
I don't really feel like digging but there are more of "csil's voice" within the 800 posts

when I said about csil having problems with msil...I meant in a major way...major enough to write a list of house rules for her. I don't mean like little things like oh msil was annoyed that so and so spilled a glass of red wine on her carpet (this is just a random example i made up)

I always thought the not being excused from the table until everyone is done is good manners.
 
#54 ·
Linda ~ thanks for answering my post! You sound like a thoughtful, respectful guest. I was just wondering about those who didn't require their children in their rooms at a general time or didn't require them to sit at dinners. What if this interfered with the host's family and the other guests. Would this bother the person? Would they just expect everyone else to stifle their feelings because the person felt as their children had every right to do what they wanted and that no one (other than the parent) could tell them what to do?
 
#56 ·
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Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
well then isn't the follow up posts that maya wrote csil's voice... it is...its just written out by maya
What monkey's mom said.
What you are describing as being CSIL's voice is Maya's interpretation of CSIL's words and actions, colored by Maya's own perspective, but it is not CSIL's authentic voice.

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Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
I always thought the not being excused from the table until everyone is done is good manners.
Not excusing one's self from the table before the meal is finished is good manners, I agree with you. Forbidding people to ask to be excused is very rude, IMO, and that is what MSIL effectively told people in her e-mail.

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Originally Posted by maya's SIL's e-mail
5. Everyone is expected to SIT at every meal until all are done.
 
#57 ·
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Originally Posted by LittleMonkeyMom View Post
What monkey's mom said.
What you are describing as being CSIL's voice is Maya's interpretation of CSIL's words and actions, colored by Maya's own perspective, but it is not CSIL's authentic voice.
That is absolutely true. I am remembering to the best of my recollection but I am sure my memories are colored by my own perspective!
 
#58 ·
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
That's funny. I think I'm more mainstream than crunchy, and I side with CSIL (to the extent that I side with either of them...which isn't much, actually). I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Not at all trying to be in the least bit rude but you truly think you are mainstream? In the other thread you said you don't have any exposure to any media. You don't use any punishments at all. You use a totally non-coercive parenting approach. You don't want any free time from your kids and wouldn't find a child-free event to be something you would want to attend. You extend BF, cloth diaper, etc etc etc where is the mainstreamness?


I agree with those who say each of us seem to be putting a lot of our expectations of crunchy vs mainstream. We're told one SIL is the mainstream one and one is crunchy and work from there with some of us changing our minds as it seems that maybe CSIL isn't so crunchy and MSIL isn't so mainstream or perhaps you read things the other way and it confirms your initial perspective. I think that is what is making it such a fascinating discussion well that and it's not really a situation many of us have to worry about.
 
#59 ·
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Originally Posted by Brigianna View Post
I didn't reply to the other thread, but am totally on csil's side! No way is it ever appropriate to dictate the bedtimes, assigned chores, or food of guests in your home! Saying you will only provide certain food is one thing; saying "you must sit at the table and you may not eat other food" is something else. Asking guests to help out around the house is one thing; assigning chores is something else. Csil may have her flaws but sheesh.
: I voted csil, just because I would be very upset if those rules were given to me!
Of course, I'd try hard to be considerate of others' good time too, and wouldn't expect THEM to go out of their way to accompdate me.

I'd be ok with a rule "stay seated until you are done eating" but definitely not "stay seated until EVERYONE is done eating!"
 
#60 ·
I am on MSIL's "side". I might feel differently if there were infants/toddlers, but these are school-age children. Her turf, her rules. Perhaps CIL's children will return home after the vacation with a realization of how different families operate.

And since the "adults" party was in the same house, I don't see a big deal with excluding children. There is no constitutional right for a child to be invited to a party. I guess I see it as the same as any adults only activity (certain weddings/funerals, skydiving, nightclubs). Sometimes I think kids enjoy being with kids (without adults) and adults enjoy being with adults (without kids). Why is that wrong? Again from what Maya said, CIL's childrenn didn't have a problem with being excluded; it was CIL who had the problem. If her children didn't mind hanging with their cousins, why was CIL pushing to have them down with the adults?

As far as bedtimes, I am afraid I assumed that CIL was allowing her kids to be up while other children were in bed and they were disruptive while others were trying to sleep/rest. I feel that CIL's childrens rights end when they impact negatively on others. Again, is that wrong?

It all comes down to treating others with respect, particularly if they are your host. Implicit in accepting the hospitality is a realization that you are in someone else's home with their own customs and preferences.
 
#61 ·
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Originally Posted by wasabi View Post
Not at all trying to be in the least bit rude but you truly think you are mainstream? In the other thread you said you don't have any exposure to any media. You don't use any punishments at all. You use a totally non-coercive parenting approach. You don't want any free time from your kids and wouldn't find a child-free event to be something you would want to attend. You extend BF, cloth diaper, etc etc etc where is the mainstreamness?

Okay - I do read my local paper sometimes, and read magazines in waiting rooms...plus the omnipresent tabloid headlines at the grocery store. But, yeah - basically media-free (there's always the internet...I seem to hear about a lot of things, despite not watching tv or reading papers).

I don't really use punishments, per se, but I'm not totally non-coercive, either. My home is definitely run with the understanding that dh and I are "boss". There are some expectations (helping with cleanup, for one) and there are some consequences for things.

I never really thought of wanting my kids around all the time as something "crunchy". I've met mainstream moms who want their kids around all the time, and crunchy moms who don't...

Anyway...guess I'm just saying that I'm not really crunchy. I shop at big box stores, don't eat much organic, etc. I do several things that probably aren't very environmentally friendly, etc. I'm very AP, but not very NFL, and have never thought of myself as crunchy. (My sister, on the other hand, says I'll be eating "seaweed sandwiches" soon, so I guess it's a matter of perspective.)
 
#62 ·
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Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
I have been reading mothering threads since last winter and I still don't get why is it ok for kids to not be sitting when the eat? I mean do you really let your kids run wild all while eating? I know toddlers won't always want to sit to eat, but why not teach them? Having kids run around with food just creates a huge mess ( I know some of you are ok with this) but also they can easily choke while
running around eating.
I don't make my kids sit at the table for dinner. They do have to eat in either the kitchen or the dining area (absolutely no food upstairs or in the living room, with the exception of a big bowl of popcorn if we're watching a movie). They're also not allowed to wander around while actually eating. However, if dd takes a few bites, then wants to get up and walk around, she can do that. When she wants to eat some more, she comes back to the table. As she's getting older, she's realizing that everyone else sits at the table until the meal is finished, and she's more inclined to stay at the table to converse, etc. I simply see no point in making an active 3-year-old sit at the table.
 
#63 ·
you know it seems csil is the picky eater and not her chilldren if she only ever makes 3 meals. maybe her children would like new things but SHE gives them no choice and they don't want to make her think they are going mainstream on her or something of that sort.
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#65 ·
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
That about says it for me. I don't think I'd go, if I were CSIL...but I'm aware that if I were actually in the situation, and dh wanted to see his brothers and wanted me to be there, I may change my mind. It wouldn't be a vacation, though...I'd spend 10 days feeling trapped.
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could
 
#66 ·
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
ITA.

I think people have got sidelined with what they personally think of the rules and the way that both SILs raise their kids, and have missed the point.

Which, imo, is, that nobody has the right to dictate to another family that they should go against their personal values in the way that they treat their children while at a family gathering, no matter who pays for the tickets and who hosts.

I said it on the monster thread, and I'll say it again. IMO that is not the way that loving families interact. If you truly want family harmony, you embrace on another's differences and love all the children. If that means feeding them pb and j every meal, then you do so with a loving heart. If that means having children stay with their mother at an 'adult' event, you welcome them with a loving heart.

I cannot fathom how anyone can support any aunt who does not welcome her nieces and nephews with tolerance and good humour, even if their mother parents them with different values to one's own.

As for the idea that as it is hosted at the MSIL"s home, she can call the shots, that smacks of control and power play imo. And many posters seem to miss the point that CSIL cannot just stay home - her husband expects her to go and she has little choice. If my dh told me that I had to go to visit his family and 'suck it up' because they were paying and because he wanted to visit with his brother, I'd be furious.

I could not look my child in the face if I'd been forced to treat him/her in a way that contradicted our principles, just because my in-laws were temporarily in a position of control.

The basic principle is the same no matter what CSIL's personal child-raising philosophies are. I don't get it that so many people miss that point.

For example, if the OP had said that MSIL had told everyone in an email that nobody was to nurse in the room with others, or cosleep, or that they must all eat non-organic food, or that children must be left to CIO at 6pm, everyone woudl be up in arms. It is equally wrong, whatever the 'rules'.

I just couldnt fathom having to stay with someone who thought that they could dictate how I treated my own children during my stay. Actually, I've been in that position once, and had to brave some pretty emphatic people while sticking to my guns. I will not treat my children disrespectfully, even if the whole army of ILs are firing big guns at me. No way, no how.

Similarly, I would never try to dictate to my ILs how they should treat their children if I were hosting for them. Although maybe I'd have a problem if they were spanking.... I havent had to deal with that, but for me, that would be an exception to the 'no interference' rule.

I love Hawaii, but I'd have to be starving to accept anything from someone who thought that she could set rules for my kids in this way. I'd feel the same even if I agreed with her rules. Not her place, and totally ugh, ugh, ugh.
 
#70 ·
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Originally Posted by CryPixie83 View Post
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could

I don't think staying occupied would be the problem -- MSIL has every minute planned.
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#71 ·
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Originally Posted by Viewfinder View Post
I'll pick crunchy, even though she reminds me of one of my SILs who ruined too many family things to count, because Hawaii SIL must have a major screw loose to have THREE nannies and NO HOUSEKEEPER to clean the kitchen. WTF? That's some nerve, man, to have three nannies on the payroll and no kitchen help at a monster function like that. It might be "fun" for the kids to do the after dinner clean up together (yeah, right), but, I think they'd like to just relax and play around like everybody else.

Still, I'd freaking GO to this shindig no matter how much I didn't like the rules. There's a HAWAIIAN BEACH out the back door!! Hello?? Ten days in one of THE most beautiful places in the world, free. My kids get to play for 10 days with their cousins. MSIL can serve me eyeballs and cardboard and tell everybody I'm having an affair with a lizard, and I could care less when I'm on that beach, soaking up the rays, lulled into blissful relaxation by those waves crashing, and, hey, is that one of those, whachacallit? CABANA BOYS? uh, huh, come on over here and rub some oil on me, would you? Who do YOU vote for, Cabana Boy? (He picks the rich one, wouldn't you know? But he does NOT get a vote.)

*gasping....can't.....breathe*

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#75 ·
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Originally Posted by CryPixie83 View Post
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could

I think most people could, but I have no interest in Hawaii, and in that circumstance, I'd only be going because of the family aspect in the first place. (I'm not claiming CSIL feels the same way, though.)
 
#76 ·
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Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
Yep. From BOTH sides of the issue.
I only saw disrespect on one side (and then the disrepected side trying to defend itself).

But I hate that it was closed for review (which means it won't be reopened - "under-review" threads never are).
 
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