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The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties

10K views 145 replies 68 participants last post by  BetsyNY 
#1 ·
I see alot of Birthday threads where the Mom is asking how to delicately ask the Guests not to bring gifts to their kids Birthday Party or give alternatives as to what they CAN bring.

Why has this become the norm?

What happened to simple days when your Guests could just bring whatever they wanted to bring?

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

When DS is invited to someone's Birthday Party, I am genuinely excited for that Child and I spend a great deal of time and effort finding out what he/she would like for their Birthday.

And DS enjoys giving the gift to the Birthday Child.

Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.

Just my .02 cents.
 
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#27 ·
wow! this is a touchy subject. i just posted a thread asking for advice on this particular issue so maybe it all started with me!?

my question is, why is it so hard to raise our children the way we want & have our family & friends respect that? i try & respect everyone's crazy parenting ways....we all have them...so why is there so much offense taken when i ask people not to bring gifts or to just bring a book? i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to assume people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?
 
#28 ·
I hate, hate, hate trying to pick out a toy that some kid I don't know is going to play with for two seconds and throw away. I seriously dislike the mass consumerism in this country. I once read a statistic that said the average child gets $800 of toys from their parents in a year. JUST their parents. Not the twenty kids that get invited to their birthday party. I realize that part of the fun of a birthday is getting toys and opening them. Don't you think that these kids are getting presents from their families? WHy do they need 20 more presents?

I am never offended by the "please no presents" thing. I think it's great.
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by doulalove View Post
i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to assume people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?
I figure the only friends worth inviting are the ones who will understand our request of no gifts.


We're "weird" about birthdays, at least that's what we've been told. It doesn't bother me because I am comfortable with the way we do things.
 
#30 ·
we have gifts optional..

But having a house full of plastic clutter is not my thing. So when they do get the gift that is plastic or just something we don't allow here... it goes away that very night.

My older boys know this is the rule and they often save these toys for certain kids they know will love them.
 
#31 ·
I think a euphemistic way of putting it, like someone else posted about bringing "best wishes" is really nice. If you do want specific types of gifts, then starting wish lists known within your "group" would be nice, as I'm always wondering what I should give not always knowing someone's parenting style or simply what they already have.

We had a huge party for my ds's first birthday and did not even get around to opening the gifts at the party. Of course, he didn't even know what was going on. However, it probably was a disappointment for some people that we did not open them there, although they were adults. (We did send very personal thank you notes to everyone, so they do know how we felt about the gifts.) But, it really made me think about a "no gifts" party in the future.

Also, what another poster wrote about inviting an entire class or playgroup really plays into this issue, I think. We were recently invited to several parties in a row (I heard even Jerry Seinfeld griping about this on Letterman one night! Wish I could remember what he said as it was really funny.) One mother invited our entire playgroup, but only several people came. I kind of wondered if some people felt "gifted out" for the month. For ds's second birthday I'd hate to think some people wouldn't come just because they couldn't afford yet another gift. I'd rather have everyone there to celebrate. I assume that close friends would still give a gift privately, as we would do for them. As I wrote before, I'll now consider a term like "bringing best wishes" on the invitations.

Back to specific types of gifts: Even though I've made a well-researched wish list for my child, with items that are not expensive, I know he'll still be receiving certain gifts that at best he probably won't like and at worst we don't really want him to have. Some of our family "get it" and some don't. Personally, I'd love for others to post their wish lists so I'd know what they'd like! I'm not offended by that at all. But, unless you are in a group of really like-minded individuals (e.g. about plastic) then saying "no plastics" will sound like you simply want "better" and more expensive gifts, as many people aren't aware of the health issues involved in plastics. However, if your child does have an overwhelming allergy to something then I think having a friend spread the word would be appropriate.

In the end, gifts are just that - gifts. It is a shame, though, that we receive so many items that people have paid good money for that we just can't or won't use. Hence, my wish list. And, what about starting a trend of a group gift when inviting an entire class or playgroup? Everyone could chip in what they felt comfortable giving and the group could get one "large" gift. I think that would also be a nice lesson in group participation. (I'm sure there's a more specific term for this concept; just can't think of it at the moment.)
 
#34 ·
I

Back to specific types of gifts: Even though I've made a well-researched wish list for my child, with items that are not expensive, I know he'll still be receiving certain gifts that at best he probably won't like and at worst we don't really want him to have.

QUOTE]

These, dear, are the gifts you drop off at Goodwill. It's simple as that. If you don't like Goodwill, for whatever reason, take the stuff to the nearest family shleter where kids have nothing. All poltics aside, of course. Don't let the slave labor child in China have worked in vain.

If you do not want your child to have it, there is another child in your town who has nothing.
 
#32 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.

Thank you for saying that.

I agree with inexcusably and horrifyingly *rude*. If you do not like, donate it.
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by doulalove View Post
wow! this is a touchy subject. i just posted a thread asking for advice on this particular issue so maybe it all started with me!?

my question is, why is it so hard to raise our children the way we want & have our family & friends respect that? i try & respect everyone's crazy parenting ways....we all have them...so why is there so much offense taken when i ask people not to bring gifts or to just bring a book? i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to assume people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?
Here is another $0.02 for you. Do what YOU think is right. EVERYBODY will find something they don't like about you. To request NO gifts is FINE. To ask for specific gifts to me is a little tacky. What my SIL has done in the past is have theme birthdays. She announced the theme on the invitation so we could find something with THAT theme. It was FUN. Her son JUST had an army theme party. People came wearing camo and we got him a suction cup dart gun with dart board (I know I know don't give a kid a gun BUT he wanted it and his parents are weird about those things). Anyhow.....Do what is best for YOUR family and let everybody talk behind your back. They will anyhow. Pleasing people doesn't work. Somebody ALWAYS finds something.
 
#35 ·
What about a book, a box of crayons, magic markers? Make a CD of your kid's favorite music. Buy him a box of biscuits for the dog, or bag of birdseed and a jar of peanut butter. There are a million options besides cheap plastic toys.

Birthdays are supposed to be about celebration, about joy, not about making sure gift rules are followed and making sure that a certain "parenting standard" is adhered to. It's not FOR the parent, it's for the child, and whereas I can certainly understand not wanting a ton o plastic garbage in your house, I think there has to be a balance.

The "no gifts please" thing...I'm just a stickler for it. You just invite and people do what they want to! We just had a huge birthday party for our boys, some brought gifts, some did not, and it was no big deal if you didn't. If you feel particularly strongly about not bringing gifts to children's parties, that's cool.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
I'm not a fan of plastic either--but I believe that common courtesy trumps social responsibility every time. I would never put ANYTHING on a printed invitation that indicated whether or not we expected gifts, or an Amazon wishlist/registry. We're not only teaching our kids how to be good citizens of the Earth, we also have to teach them to be good citizens with each other.
Cripes, you're smart.

Where have you been all my MDC life??
 
#37 ·
I usually tell my friends that come that THEY don't have to bring gifts. I have NEVER put it on a invite BUT I don't have playgroups OR school classrooms to deal with. If you want to involve the school friends take treats to the school. If you want to involve the playgroup schedule an outing for the playgroup. That keeps the demand or thought of the demand for a gift to a minimum. Yeah there is still the "my child is allergic" issues BUT those are hard to combat. You do the BEST you can.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
: People will say we're in love!

At least there's someone out there to save me from the volley of Waldorf gnome houses aimed at my head (or at least deflect a few of them)

Okay I think I'd like to witness that. Sorry but it created a FUNNY picture in my head.
:
 
#40 ·
We put the following on the most recent birthday party invite (4yo) for DD (a preemie):

"In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the March of Dimes, an organization very dear to our family."

DH and I decided on this tactic for several reasons:

1. She gets overwhelmed if she has too many presents.
2. We were already tripping over her toys.
3. It would be easier for friends ... no shopping, deciding, wrapping, etc.
4. We feel that birthdays are a celebration of living, not an excuse to build up the toy inventory.
5. The donation would be a tax deduction for the giver!

No one said they had a problem with it. And, yes, she did get a few gifts from family, but our family lives far away so they'd sent them up earlier. She opened them, plus what we got her, on her actual birthday (the party was a couple of days later).
 
#41 ·
Oh, and I do remember reading about a theme party Gwyneth Paltrow had for herself (not her children) where she asked everyone to bring their favorite childhood books (or maybe adult books, as well), and asked them to write in the book a bit about why it was their favorite and what it meant to them. I think a gift theme party sounds nice. I'm not sure how one would do this other than with something like books. Anyone have any other ideas?

I'm sure some etiquette experts would disagree with this idea. But, it might be a way of circumventing the unwanted gift issue without making "demands," and actually making it a more thoughtful and personal act of giving, as well.

And, I will say that my old-fashioned Southern background does make me squirm at including a registry on the actual invitation. Word-of-mouth just seems like a more polite idea even if it's not as efficient. However, after trying to keep up with letting family know all about ds's accomplishments I am considering starting a blog, with a photo album, as well, just so anyone can just tell me which ones they want without having to send so many out to everyone. After a relative told me they thought my Amazon wish list was a great idea (unlike some others) I thought I'd try to create a wish list on our (yet-to-be-created) blog so that anyone can buy from any store and mark it on the list without our having to know ahead of time as we've had to do with Amazon. (Gifts bought elsewhere we've had to be told so we could mark them purchased so others won't buy the same gift, which means we already know who is giving what. )

And, on our wish list I've included what the items mean to ds in terms of his interests and development. I hope that makes everyone feel more connected when giving the gift instead of feeling like they're just buying something. Hey, play is a child's "work" so I do think it's important to have items tailored to a particular child's needs. So, really, I do think the lists are a great idea, just a touchy subject.

So, I'd love to hear if anyone comes up with any other "gift theme" ideas and what you all think of the group gift.
 
#42 ·
I think the book party idea is charming...it helps the guests to connect, think about their childhoods, give something with meaning, etc. I've also been to baby showers with that theme. Others could be recipes or something, I guess? like your favorite food as a child (or parents could include their kid's favorite recipe) and a recipe for that...or people could just write an anecdote from their childhood, especially if you have different generations attending.
 
#43 ·
Hm, quite a thought-provoking topic.
It reminds me of my childhood, and the dreaded birthday parties. I remember my parents always restricted me to inviting as many friends as how old I was turning that year, and how I eventually talked them into letting me have more... I didn't want that because I felt bad about leaving friends out of my celebration (I never had many actual friends growing up), but because I wanted more presents.
: I'm ashamed to admit that, but... it's true. I kind of wish my parents had held no-gift parties, I would have learned much younger what celebrations are REALLY about.
I guess that's just a very roundabout way of saying that I wouldn't mind a request for no presents, personally. I also think that asking for a donation to a charity is wonderful, especially if it's one that has greatly affected the family/the child who the party is being held for. And it would also take away some of the anxiety of that one poor child who is so afraid of the recipient's reaction to her gift, she refuses to be present for the unwrapping...
 
#45 ·
I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.
 
#46 ·
i think it depends on the lifestyle of the people you're talking about. where i live, the majority of my daughter's friends live in a one bedroom apartment - very very few kids have their own bedrooms, no one has back yards, and no one has room for many toys - even books.

we generally make the PARTY the gift, and do it up big, with loads and loads of kids invited, not just a handful. in this way everyone has fun, and no one feels they need to bring a gift in order to go to the party, and no one is left with a 1 br apartment full of toys, and no one is asking a 2 or 3 year old to pack up and donate brand new toys.

it never goes on an invite, it's always word of mouth - you'll say "please come, no gifts are necessary" which generally prompts a commiserating conversation about having too little space. Everyone understands.

sometimes people bring gifts anyway, sometimes people don't, even if not told not to. in neither case is the guest made to feel bad for not "following the rules." most everyone brings a card or drawing from the kids to the kids.

saying 'no plastic' to me is outrageously rude. but saying "no gifts, please." is not. but then, as i said, it's the norm here, and not the exception.
 
#47 ·
Oooh, another thing... I recently read somewhere that some culture(s) GIVES gifts for their birthday. Anyone know that one? If not, I'll look later, as I need to sign-off now...

Oh, but is the "Gift Closet" a Southern thing? My DH says it is. Everyone I know always has a gift closet with items they pick up during the year for specific people and general gift items for births and such. And, you can always throw in the re-gifts. I don't think re-gifting is rude at all as long as it's a gift you genuinely believe the other person would like, yet you simply did not or already had.

And, on the Southern gift topic... I've also been told that monogramming is kind of a Southern Thing. I've found a good idea for doing so is to pay for the monogramming (or engraving) and include that ticket or note with the gift, so that if the person receives more than one of that item, or just doesn't like it, they can still return or exchange it, as it has not yet been altered. I think this is particularly important for weddings and showers. Just a tip!
 
#48 ·
Quote:
Don't let the slave labor child in China have worked in vain.
If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.

Quote:
If you do not want your child to have it, there is another child in your town who has nothing.
I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it really works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!
 
#49 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Slabobbin View Post
I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.
my daughter is being raised with no/few gifts. at every party there are always a few things to open, and it's exciting but not the *point* of the party. likewise the gift isn't the point of any holiday.

if asked my three year old will happily tell you that she has "plenty" of toys. once i went to a consignment store with her. i dropped off a bunch of outgrown clothing and with my credit bought a bunch of new clothing. from this she got the idea that if she wants a new toy she can "buy" it with some old toys. I have never given her this idea, nor have i encouraged it - it's just something she came up with. (she also tries to buy dessert by offering to give her dinner in exchange...)

she's used to living in a small space and she knows that she can't play with any of her toys if she has too many of them, because there's no room to take everything out at once. she often takes it upon herself to get a bag and fill it with things she doesn't use anymore. she's 3.5 years old. i assure you i did not put this concept into her head.

i can imagine that a child raised with lots of space, and a basement or a garage to store unused items in, etc. might feel slighted if the gifts were suddenly stripped away, but a child doesn't grow up traumatized from not having a ton of gifts each birthday/holiday.

almost ANY time my daughter asks for a toy when we are out i will buy it for her. we do discuss it at length, and as often as not she decides she doesn't really need/want it. if we discuss it and she insists that she wants it, i never say no. and truthfully, she almost NEVER asks.
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post

I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it really works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!

I don't think etiquette is esoteric. We don't get to make demands of others just because we're "right." From the last handful of kids' birthday parties I've been to, it seems that opening the gift at the party is no longer the norm and as has been discussed, what's the matter with giving a card or a painting? It's not that we can't survive the "horror" of honesty, it's that good manners dictate you don't demand what gifts can and can't be given.

And one man's "crap" plastic toy is another man's felted wool ball. There are plenty of people out there who would be overjoyed to have a piece of plastic "crap" for their kids to play with...if the choice is plastic toys or no toys at all, would you care? If the choice was a non-organic food or no food at all, would you let yourself starve? Of course not.
 
#51 ·
I have always included on every invitation to every party I've ever been thrown (including both baby showers) "The only present required is the gift of your presence."

I've never yet had someone mention to me that they were offended by my asking them not to spend money on me. They seem to have always understood that I simply wanted to share my celebration with them.

I have received gifts, most of them incredibly thoughtful. I've also been asked "Well, if I DO get you something, what would you want?" to which I usually responded with whatever material object I wanted/needed at the time...though since my DD was conceived, the answer has changed to "Savings bonds to put towards DD's college fund."

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something along those lines (obviously, or I wouldn't say it!). I do find it incredibly tacky to say "Cash only" or "No plastic"...even lists of suggested gifts *can* be tacky, if they're not done well.
 
#53 ·
We just had DD's party and did the No Gifts thing. It was awesome. I did write on the invitations No Gifts Please, and also explained my reasoning in person: "It's hard to have to do presents for birthdays... there are so many birthday parties to go to and by the time you buy the gift and wrapping it's like $15, so you have to pick and choose which ones you go to. So I asked [dd] what she would prefer - more friends to play with or more toys? And of course she said friends! So we've made it no gifts, please." People were totally cool with that, nodding their heads as I was talking. Most did bring her a homemade card, though, which was really cute. Later that week she cut them up and made a collage.
 
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