Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
You are assuming an unhealthy attachment between bio-mama and baby, and then assuming a healthy one between adoptive mama and baby.
I don't think anyone is saying it is better for a baby to be with a neglectful bio-mama than a loving and attentive adoptive mama. I think we are questioning the assumptions generally re: young and poor mamas and whether they can be good parents. And specific to this situation, I think we are questioning whether this young mama might have done a better job had people rallied around her.
I also don't think adoptive parents are necessarily always fabulous. I think they can be just as dysfunctional as everyone else. Adoption does not automatically = a fabulous life and perfect parenting.
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I'm assuming an unhealthy attachment between bio-mother and baby based on the information we've been given of this particular mother's actions. There are certainly reasons she is behaving that way and I'm not saying she's some sort of an evil monster or anything, just that at this point it wouldn't in my opinion be in the baby's best interest to let him wait for the mother to come around. I do hope that the mother gets suitable help. I also hope that adoption was the right choice for her. Nevertheless, I can't say I don't see this as the best choice for the baby, given the options available.
Yes, I would like to see better resources for young mothers (heck, I was raised by a young single mother). It would be great if someone could take in both the mother and the baby, turn the mother into a different direction, "save" them both, as it were. However, there are precious few people willing and able to take on a task that huge. I know I could not do that. Would I like to be able to do it? Yes, I would love to give the people involved the help they need. That would be ideal, obviously.
Sadly, what is ideal is not always practical. And sacrificing a child's wellbeing just to be idealistic isn't something I'm comfortable with. I fully agree that in an ideal world things would go as many have suggested in this thread. In reality, the resources aren't there. And given then circumstances, given the resources available, I still can't help but think this might just have been the best way things could have worked out for the baby.
I do see your point that if she had been told she could do it, things might have turned out differently. I agree, they might have. She should have been encouraged in her decision, no matter what it was. I can't remember anyone out and out saying that she was discouraged, but it's a fair assumption, there is a definite bias against young parents. That might well have played into why she made the kind of decisions she did. I mean, I subscribe to the theory that people do what is expected of them. If she was told that she'd be a crappy parent, it's no wonder she did what she did. I suppose I did overlook that earlier, it just seems like such an old-fashioned way of talking about young mothers. Where I come from (Finland originally), the support system is fairly good for parents, young or old, single or not. The stigma has faded. I guess I filtered the story through my own background and experiences. It must depend so much on where the whole thing takes place.
Heh, I started this post disagreeing and ended up agreeing (well, to a certain extent anyway). With thismama of all people, that's a first