Let me just say, WOW! This is wonderful, I never thought I would find so many others RIGHT away! Let me tell you, you have cheered me up. it is sooo wonderful to know others are going though the same trials and joys!
I have seen multi-generational homes work, IN MY FAMILY, my uncle (mother's brother), lived with his wife, my cousin, and my great-aunt - Баба (Baba) - for many years, until they had to sell the house, and Баба was having issues due to her very old age. Sadly she died shortly thereafter, but then again, people die. It is the way the world works. This is part of why I have so much hope that multi-generational living can work.
I did not mention it in my first post, but things are really hard here right now. On top of having different types of personality temperaments, my mother is bipolar and my son is "spirited", making our mix sooo much harder. It is getting to the point where I have to "council" my mate (we are unwed by choice, perhaps in time this will change....) on how to try and handle my mother. Instruct my mother on how to handle the kids, down to "Please, stop telling them what /not/ to do, and PLEASE /only/ tell then what they can do." (DON'T put the worm in your mouth vs we need to be able to SEE the worm at all times, or something else creative). Do not get me wrong, I try to give her space, but she in no way looks out for herself and has bad habits (examples: every sentence has a negative contraction in it, sometimes so many that when I respond to her triple negatives properly she is lost, walking around with things in her mouth, talking back, having to have the last word, looking at the floor or the wall when talking to people, smiling and laughing when talking to her about something serious, extremely low work ethic, etc) which my kids are picking up and, while she doesn't see these habits at all, they make her life much, much harder and I hate to see my mom suffer. The kids walk all over her, and I can hardly blame them... they see her as weak and while she isn't per say she plays it well. As I am rather sure I could right a book, to sum it up, my farther who passed away 3 days I gave birth to my DD - now 2.5yo - was very abusive to both my mother and myself. While I was able to "escape" most of the "wrath" by moving away at 18yo (tried two weeks before and was brought back by cops, who even told me they were sorry when I was leaving the station after they met my father), my mother feels "others have it wrong when it come to understanding people hitting each other," and that my father always had her in mind so she never divorced him. I feel it is because of this and her mental illness that so much of her life is, well, toxic - EXTREMELY unhealthy diet, hording/pack rat behaviors, and keeping friends who perpetuate her toxicity (and these are just the very low end). Sometimes, more and more now, I wonder how I made it as a kid. She seems to only respond to my mate and then normally only when he gets overly emotional. Um, wait, make that ANY MALE. She claims not to be sexist, but, for example, will ONLY come to me about matters of cooking while my mate does the main cooking and shopping in the house. I am sure that helping create a "safe home" will help everyone in my family, but as long as my mate sees me as the head of "home life" and my mother see him as the "pants in the family" I have no idea what to do.
I LOVE having my mom around, it's my mom
but it is getting to the point where I am unsure we can make it work over the long run. I can tell at times she tries to help, like today when she vacuumed the playroom and helped watch the kids, but sometimes I wonder if she is more of a hindrance than helpful. She is also very supportive of things that other family members are not: birthing at home, not vaxing, educating at home, working at home, home steading, and much more!
As for how what you guys are currently talking about - I have fallen behind due to life as so am still working though people "introductions," but will be doing more to keep up with your guys as time goes on... so these are just the first few post made, therefor please pardon if something has been coved and I have yet to get to it >.< I will be making more "rounds" as time allows and then, like I said, staying up to date
You guys all seem great!
rizzosanders :
I am so happy to hear this! I think when things work out, homes like this can be even more enriching than having just mom and dad, if only because of all the stories and life histories which can be shared. You are very blessed,
I was wondering if you have your own little apartment or do you share a space?
Shaki :
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, how long ago was it if you do not mind me asking, and how is everyone handing it? From your post it seems like things are going well for the most part
You guys seem like you also have a lot of space which I am sure can make things a little easier over all and it seems more fun. I am sure the privacy thing can be a bit much. I mean you, your dad, and your sister are used to family being there, but for your DH and BIL it is different, someone new (even once they know everyone) and a new lifestyle... do they have a place to hide - a "man cave"? You mention that help with childcare is good, does everyone have more or less the same outlook on parenting as you and yours? And with everyone living near each other but still so apart, do you find support with house cleaning and meals or is everyone on their own? Great title BTW!
texmati :
I for one am happy to have you here, the more people, the more help for ALL! I hope we are able to help healing on its way, and get the crapper at least clean... then it is just a bowl! Perhaps a "super bowl"? LOL.
It seems that more room can help, what was your last set up and why are you unsure how long her being moved will last? Also, what went wrong last time and do you have any ideas what you might try this time?
jem1976 :
Wow. Great story, thank you for sharing!
I am sure being able to be yourself is key in any living arrangement. Why did you end up moving out? And do you still live close or did you move far away? Do you miss it and why do you think you would be unable to live with your MIL? Also, do you think you would do it again?
cappuccinosmom :
I am glad things are working out for the most part
Pulling one's share is one of our problems, glad to know you guys got past this. How does your household organize it all? Noise can be a BIG problem, even more so when you are unused to it (this problem thankfully we do not have)! Is this her first baby (if so does she know they get loader? LOL) and is the baby's sleeping problems due to the noise or something else? Have you thought about maybe "sound proofing" her room (my friends family did this for her older brother with tons of old egg cartons and new drywall when he got drums)?
Your dad sounds like a great role model and your boys will always remember this, they are very lucky!
mamadelbosque :
Well, at least you got something worked out
I would love to hear more!
waiting2bemommy :
I am very sorry you having such a hard time (( hug )) I understand having someone who feeds off of drama and being the martyr around, but you ARE doing good things! and it is perhaps for the best that you have no time to indulge her and are planing to move out. I have to admit perpetual dish-users and laundry-unfolders would drive me batty, but only because I hate A) doing dishes and b) folding laundry, lol. I would love to know what types of things she wants to call CPS on you for, but the fact of the matter is, if my mother ever told that to me... well we would no longer be living as we are. Again ((hugs)).
lifeguard :
What are you nervous about?
peaceful_mama :
Wow mama, you have your hands full! I wish I had it as together as you seem to
I mean at least you have a place for your mittens, lol. … though what you said to your mom about DD might have been a little harsh... I had to say something similar to my mom about my DD though, sigh. My mom just made me cry, they both got over it and now enjoy each other
Having someone to do any of the driving can be supper helpful... now if only we had a car! Lol. As well as with the cleaning. You say you would like her to see something and do it, and that you are the only one that cleans the bathroom, but that she helps with some of the chores. What I am missing is what does she do, laundry? I was also wondering if she feels that either because she is older, or because she is in /your/ house that this might be the "problem". This is something we are working through, my mother seeing her house and my house as ONE house, that we split life, and are ONE family. I think this kinda caught her off guard at first. We are about to start using Chore Busters to make a chore list in hope that I can stop my nagging as I know it is unhelpful. Do you do something like this, and if no do you think it might help? As for talking to her, there has to be a way... just because it is /about her/ does not make it "EVERYTHING is blamed on her." Wish I could help here... but all I can say is keep trying as giving up helps no one. (( hug)) Also if my mate refused to listen to me I would be very upset, I mean I can understand him not wanting to confront her, but not talking to me about problems I am having is a BIG relationship nono in my book... again (( hugs)).
I wish I could help with the TV problem, but we have none here, other than the one in my moms room and she is the only one who watches it other than the odd sporting event, like The World Cup. Perhaps if you can figure out why she likes sitting out in the living room rather than her bed room, you might be able to figure out a way to "fix" this for everyone's comfort. We took our living room and made it a playroom, Waldorf Style, EVERYONE loves it! There is a huge fold out table to play games on, but it goes away very easily, so I even have all our more adult board games down there. I feel so lucky, I never had a playroom when I grew up, only my bedroom, but like you was an only child. Though this might be a little hard for you... do you at least have a nice safe yard for the kids the play in and can you get away from the noise?