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Posts by lavender

My first bicycle arrived on Christmas when I had just turned five. I remember sitting on it before Christmas “just to try it out” they said and then there it was on Christmas morning, with tissue paper draped over it sitting in front of the Christmas tree watching over the other packages. I knew Santa brought it but I knew I had seen it before and these two mutually exclusive thoughts produced a foggy confusion in the back of my head that was quickly displaced by my...
Upon finding out I was pregnant the only evidence I had was a missed period and two lines on a peed-on stick. I wanted more. I needed more in order to believe it was even possible. Anything could make a line on a stick, couldn't it? I had never taken a pregnancy test before so I had nothing to compare to. I looked in a book and saw that the baby was barely bigger than a grain of rice. I looked at the photo of the grape next to it and thought, “Oh! She will be the size...
I told Jeremy the awful truth one day. I said, “You are composed of over fifty percent peanut butter cups.” Amazing that I would admit that, when my enforcement of good eating habits drives me to make whole wheat flour cookies and secretly throw away--or, okay, I admit it, eat—handfuls of their Halloween candy. It was peanut butter cups and egg rolls. I couldn't eat enough egg rolls, and they had to have sweet and sour sauce. Oh, and salad with lots of avocado. And how...
If I could have something with vinegar I would be okay. We walked the short distance to Blueberry Hill, which was a sunny fifties-style pancake joint two clocks from our apartment. He would get french toast. I usually got the blueberry pancakes. I didn't want to look at a pancake, didn't want to smell them. Maybe...cabbage. Cabbage with vinegar, or maybe...salad. Or something fried. Fried salad with vinegar sauce. That was the only thing that would make me feel better....
It was the winter of 1995, February, and it was as usual, sunny in Las Vegas and my hands shook as I fumbled with the keys on the way into the drugstore. I hoped desperately I wouldn't run into anybody I knew. I was only a week late, that's really not very late so I really couldn't be very pregnant therefore I really shouldn't be very worried. The test was to give myself assurance. Of course I wouldn't be pregnant. I never had been before. As always it would be a...
I have hardly even checked in during the past few weeks as things have gotten really hectic around here, and then I peeked in the other day to see this message that Tanya is leaving! I'm sad to hear it but so grateful for the time and the guidance you have given us, Tanya. Thank you. Will there still be a writing group? I'm hoping once things settle down around here (I'm FINALLY over my cold and now I've got a kyu test on Tuesday and have been spending all my "spare"...
from diapers and wipers to holes in the knees from soft cotton onesies to white sweaty gis my laundry my journal of my children's growing tossed in the washwater ebbing and flowing the same red shirt with the holes in the cuff the favorite blue jeans pockets of stuff tissues and nickels and favorite rocks become intermingled with undies and socks this home-sewn costume now everyday wear his warrior's tunic is fighting in there mud in the...
Maybe it's because I have never really loved myself all that much. Maybe I didn't feel loved enough by those around me. Why don't I love as abundantly, as selflessly as what I suspect others may do? Why do I feel my love, faded and worn, slipping away like an old stretched out sock? I always wished I was somebody else. Somebody dumber, somebody with longer hair, different teeth, shorter, taller, older... or younger. I have been fifteen different somebodies and I still...
I was not ready so, “Mama, I'm hungry!” rattles my ears as I work the shadows around Cody's fingers. A little darker, more red, that's it. I breathe and look up. Blue eyes greet me and little arms go around my waist. I smell and kiss the top of his head. “Good morning, sweetheart. Okay, just a second. Almost done.” I realize I should darken the back hand a little more also and that it would be wise to keep moving at least until the feet have been solidified now also so...
The two worlds are as far apart as two separate universes, the one where I have children and the one where I do not. Question is, in that other universe, have they not been born or have they grown and moved out? My dad says it never stops, the parenting, even after they move out. Funny he would tell me that. As if he were in his other universe too and I were not his child. In the other universe, where there are no sandwiches to be made except my own, where there are no...
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