or Connect
New Posts  All Forums:

Posts by captain optimism

    Obviously, many people here, especially those who grew up with abusive parents, disagree that it is bad to take children away from a father who is abusive.    I think you, and many others on this board, have an unrealistic view of divorce. If you're a mom who has come to the conclusion that she's married to an abuser, you do not automatically walk away with the children who then never see their father. Divorce means a child custody arrangement that may result in...
  I don't think anyone leaves their spouse because of advice from people who only know one part of the story. Some of what is required here is values clarification and reflecting back what we're reading.    What we read was, she has seen a pattern with him riling up the children and then getting angry with them and lashing out physically. The one incident she reported seemed to her very extreme, and it read that way to the rest of us, too. She did not seem to have a...
 I thought, from the initial post, that the little girl reported the incident and the father didn't deny that he had done what she said. Rather, he tried to drown out her account with loud speech and denied that she was actually frightened. (At least, that's how I read it.)     I did not see the OP report that her child had fibbed or exaggerated on other incidents.    Her concern is precisely the one you're stating here: could he change? Is he really as bad as she thinks...
  Therapists are human, and they come to couples counseling with their own biases. Sometimes couples counseling can be great anyway, if the counselor is really professional and smart. I don't know enough about this counselor to say, but I didn't think she sounded professional and smart in the OP, and now I doubt her competence even more.      We all heard first about the most extreme thing that eko_mom has seen her husband do. Unless she told this specific story to the...
Since you are ready to leave anyway, it's worth trying to become more financially and emotionally independent without leaving. Does that make sense? But I'm saying, don't give it a deadline--just do it as though you planned to stay married. You don't need the excuse of leaving to get what you want.   I'm basing this on my own experience of always compromising. When my husband left me anyway, I was unhappy that I hadn't insisted much earlier on what I...
  Oh, see, I read that totally differently. I thought she wanted to get away from him but didn't think anyone would believe her, and was worried that if she left he'd get enough time with the children without her there that it could be damaging to them. If you go back to read her OP, you can see where she says this.    She's not wrong. Abusive dads can get substantial visitation or custody if the default where the divorcing couple lives has a presumption of 50/50 custody....
It doesn't feel good to me for people to say to a woman in the OP's position "leave, no excuses."   She has already said, in her initial post, that her reason not to leave is that she's afraid that she'd have to share custody with her husband, and that he would then be alone with their children. She also said that he doesn't present as the kind of person who would get angry with his children, most of the time. She could wind up in a situation where she leaves him,...
I agree with the previous posters who are horrified at the level of violence and risk to the child in the incident you describe.    I do not agree with your therapist that your DH has to get to the roots of his anger. He has to stop acting out violently, period. Getting to the roots of your anger is for people who yell and stamp their feet, or are sour or grumpy. A person who reacts to his frustration with his child by smothering her with a pillow does not have the...
I think there are other reasons in a marriage that warrant divorce aside from outright abuse. When I went to the parenting class that our state requires of all divorcing parents of minors, I heard many stories of different parenting arrangements and a lot of different kinds of marital breakup.     One other mom was doing really well with her ex--they had the children living in the family home and were sharing custody by having the parents stay with them during their...
Do you have a lawyer? Are you getting state mandated child support? What is happening with your jointly-held assets? Can anyone help you pay for a lawyer?    If you do not think he can take care of your twins on a beach vacation, do not allow him to take them. You are not divorced yet, you don't have a child custody agreement in place, and you aren't required to do anything that worries you. If you think he can handle it and it will just be hard for him, let them...
New Posts  All Forums: