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Wrong, wrong, wrong time to die! - Page 2  

post #21 of 33
4/27/02 at 2:35pm
I know the feeling you mean.I would be sitting having a good time,then suddenly feel REALLY guilty and upset b/c I realized I hadnt thought about it for a couple hours.I think that's all part of the healing process.You will NEVER forget your brother.You were both formed in the same womb,and will have ties together FOREVER.He will ALWAYS be a part of you.I think getting a scrapbook made is a cool idea.ANd also sharing stories with people,too.

If you want to talk about his death here at all,go for it too.We're here and want to listen and talk with you about it if you want to.PM or email me anytime to.(I can PM you mt email if you want it)
post #22 of 33
4/28/02 at 4:45pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I keep thinking this is one of those things that happens to "other families." It feels like I'm stuck in this sick nightmare, that it can't possibly be true and that by some miracle he will be found and be taken to a hospital and revived, and the story will be in all the papers, and the government will want to do all these experiments on him to find out how he survived at the bottom of a lake for a year, and no one will be able to find out anything, we'll just be glad to have him back. And I'll be able to show him all the stuff from the memorial, and say "This is from when you died!" and he will laugh.

Also, in those cards I wrote him, I asked him to give me a sign that he was OK, and I didn't get any. So I use that as an excuse of why he's not really dead, like if he were he would have given me a sign. Or maybe I'm just "not ready."

What exactly does "letting go" mean?
post #23 of 33
4/28/02 at 6:08pm
Greaseball~

IMHO~I don't think that anyone ever "lets go" of their loved ones. You can't forget about a person, no matter what their age or how long they were with you. I think you make peace in your heart about their death. I have accepted my dh's death, but there are still sometimes that its so hard to believe that he is truly gone. We do rituals surrounding anniverseries, holidays, etc. to remember him, so we haven't let go.

Good question Greaseball!

Hugs~

Lisa
post #24 of 33
5/5/02 at 7:46pm
Thread Starter 
Yesterday my dh and I went to visit these old people who live in the neighborhood where I grew up, and they had a picture of Harley on their wall. It was the flyer from the memorial. I have one in my room but it was weird to see one in someone else's house for some reason.

My dh directs a choir at a church and sings solos there as well, and in a few days the church is having some kind of special service for people who have lost loved ones, and he's going to be singing there. I decided I'd go, but I just hope it's not a bunch of people saying "he's with god now, so you should be happy!" and stuff like that.
post #25 of 33
5/8/02 at 11:50pm
Thread Starter 

I just got back from that thing.

It was ok, I guess, but I probably would have liked it better if I were religious. Dh got up and lit a candle for me, but I didn't light a candle because I figured I could do that at home without a bunch of people staring at me. Hopefully next week I can make it to that non-religious support group.
post #26 of 33
5/9/02 at 12:45am
Greeseball, I'm glad your seeking out ways to remember him. It sounds like you have a great deal of unresolved issues right now and this will help you work through them all.

I'm so glad you've shared more about him. I'm getting to know him through you.
post #27 of 33
5/10/02 at 3:08am
Actually I do have this feeling too. My father died a month before my wedding. He had been in the hospital but was getting better and had been transferred to different rooms until he was on the relatively healthy floor for people who were going to be discharged soon. He was getting better and I had just been to visit him and was talking to him about walking me down the aisle. The next morning he died. I never heard the phone ring that morning when my mom and sisters tried to call me to tell me he was going fast, and by the time I got to the hospital he was gone. I was really upset about it all because I feel like he always wanted to live as he was a very positive person. He was going to come to my wedding, dammit! And because he didn't want to be "kept alive on machines" they didn't do anything to revive him and just gave him morphine. He had breathing problems and had aspirated vomit, so he died pretty quickly after that. OK, now I'm sitting here blubbering like an idiot and this happened over 5 years ago. Anyway, it's made me think twice about being classified a DNR!
post #28 of 33
5/10/02 at 3:20am
Awww, I checked out Harley's pictures. What a nice looking guy. I'm sorry he never got to be an uncle. Sometimes I try to picture my father holding Molly when she was a baby, and I can actually create an image in my mind where he is holding her when she is about 6 months old and she reaches out to grab his nose. At some point I will probably be senile and convinced this really happened, but it's kind of sweet to imagine.
post #29 of 33
5/10/02 at 10:31am
Greaseball, I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss....thank you for sharing about your brother with us...he sounds like a wonderful person...

I lost my Dad when I was 22 (12 years ago) and although the sharp pain of the loss is gone, I still miss him and always think about him when we are celebrating important events in our lives. The memories now are not of his death though, they are of his life: who he was, what he liked, what he would think of what is going on now....

I do think support groups can really help, hopefully you will find a good one. Have you called the Hospice in your area? They always have bereavement support groups. Also, they may be able to direct you to a group specifically focusing on "sudden loss" which you experienced.

Take goodcare of yourself and remember that every feeling that you are experiencing is perfectly normal.... I have heard it said that the only way to get over grief is by going through it...don't deny yourself time to grieve....
post #30 of 33
5/10/02 at 11:16pm
Greaseball, I am sending you lots of positive energy tonite. My mom died when I was 5 mo. pregnant. She had been in a nursing home after a bad stroke since I was about 2 mo. along. I would go to see her everyday and encourage her by saying "you have to get better, I want to enjoy this baby with you."
When it became clear that she wasn't going to get better, I told her that we would all be OK, that it was OK for her to move on, and that she would always be with us. I reassured her that I would tell my child all about her, and that he/she would feel as if they knew her through me. She died about 12 hours after I said these things to her.
I don't believer you ever "get over" a huge loss. Your grief is just a journey, and you walk it daily. I guess for me, it just doesn't feel like such a hard, uphill climb anymore. I think of her often, but more times with laughter than tears. It has been 6 years since she died. It is trite, but time is a healer, so is love. Allow yourself to walk your own path, and let the love you are offered in to help you along. I will be thinking of you. Sandi:better
post #31 of 33
6/10/02 at 4:55pm
Thread Starter 

Today's the day

Well, today is the anniversary of his death. I don't really feel any differently. It's not like some switch in my brain was reset and I've been having screaming fits or anything.

After he died, everything in my life became either pre-death or post-death. My kid is post-death; my shirt is pre-death. Now every day of every month has become post-death. Before, it was like, "Hmm, I've never lived through a May 12 or a June 8 without Harley; I wonder what that will be like?" Now I've lived thru all the days without him.

I used to think it was ironic, because he died on AA's birthday, but I'm sure people drink and die every day.
post #32 of 33
6/10/02 at 7:04pm
Greaseball~

(((BIG HUG))). Anniverseries can be so hard, even the days/months leading up to it can be difficult. I'm thinking of you.

Much Love~

Lisa
post #33 of 33
6/19/02 at 9:19pm
Thread Starter 

I went to a group!

It was OK, I guess. There was only one other person there, and I prefer bigger groups so I can be unnoticed. I'll probably go back though. The facilitator was nice, and she didn't push me to talk. I barely said a word. The group is only twice a month, so I'll see how the next one goes. They gave me a book and some handouts.

I'm hoping more people my age will show up, and more who have lost siblings in sudden deaths. That way I won't feel so "different."
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