4yo DS says he wants to be a girl

[limabean]

My 4yo DS has consistently talked about wanting to be a girl for the past year or so. It's completely different from the way he pretends to be other things like dinosaurs, firefighters, etc. -- he gets really quiet and almost teary-eyed, and says, "I just really really wish I was a girl." Today he said, "Mom, are there lots of kinds of fairies in the world?" I asked him what he meant and he said, "Is there a kind of fairy that has special dust that could turn me into a girl?" I want to honor who my DS is and the person he's going to become, but I'm not sure how to react to the sadness he expresses over this issue -- I want to be really careful about what I say so that he continues to feel comfortable confiding in me as he grows and his desires become more concrete.

My DH and I have never reacted negatively to his comments -- so far I've been sure to give him my full attention so he doesn't feel like I'm brushing it off, and I've gently said things like, "It's okay to feel that way" and "Sometimes we all wish we were different" and "I love you just the way you are, and I will always love you no matter what." When I ask him why he wants to be a girl, his answers range from "They get to do cool songs and dances" (that one was after watching Beyonce perform) to "They can have babies and they have breasts." He walks around with a stuffed animal in his shirt a lot of the time, pretending that he's pregnant (that mostly started when I was pregnant with his little sister).

He loves Gwen Stefani and Beyonce, so I looked up a Justin Timberlake video to show him just in case he hadn't realized that men can do cool songs and dances too, and we watched a video about Mikhail Baryshnikov, which he seemed to really like, but he still keeps coming back to wanting to be a girl.

How seriously do I take this at his age, and how should I respond to validate his thoughts and keep the door open for future discussions?

[ammaflre]

Gender issues

I attended a university that was very much an LGBT advocate. I learned so much about "other" gendered people it astonished me that so many were out there. The main thing I learned was the amount of pain that differently gendered people go through trying to fit in to our society's dual gendered standard. Last year I saw a great documentary about young children that insisted they were the opposite gender than their genitals indicated. I think it was on PBS.

Anyway, here is an interesting article and I am sure you can find more info on the net.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...NGL2KQ8H41.DTL

[LynnS6]

At this point in time, I would listen to him, validate his feelings like you're doing, and help him explore the aspects of being a girl that appeal to him.

At 4, kids still don't have a fixed sense of gender and they really are trying out identities -- what's it like to be a man? a woman? a mom? a dad? a big brother? a little sister? Because of this, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it either. He is who he is, if you're open to that and listen like you're doing, he'll eventually figure it out (but it's a many year process, I think).

[lizabird]

I wish you lived close to me and our DS could play together.

MY ds is almost 5 and for the last year and a half he has wanted to be a girl. He wears skirts and wants his hair to grow long again (it was long, then he wanted it cut to look like dad, but now he wants it long to look like a girl again).

He plays well with boys, roughhousing, chasing, wrestling... but then he'll turn around and play well with the girls too, climbing into the castle to be a princess or build a fairy house. He stuffs dolls and stuffed animals up his shirt and pretends to be pregnant, then he gives birth to his toys and nurses them. It's very sweet.

This has been an interesting issue for us as well, and I posted here many months ago about gender identity and my son wanting to be a girl (I actually thought your post was mine when I first saw it just now). Then a few months ago we also heard a story on NPR about gender identity in kids that interviewed 2 families of boys who grew up wanting to be girls. I guess we're just going with it for now. My ds tells people he's a boy, but doesn't mind at all that they usually think he's a girl. We are letting him grow up to explore all things, whatever he takes an interest in, and as he grows older I am sure he'll settle into his true self, whatever/whomever that may be. It sounds as though that's pretty much what you are doing too.

When I first made my post about my ds in this forum, I got a lot of responses from others who had/have sons who explore gender identity, and since my ds started wearing skirts, several of his boy friends have also wanted skirts of their own.

[lindberg99]

There was a big article in The Atlantic magazine, November 2008 issue, about boys who want to be girls. I keep meaning to read it but still haven't gotten to it. Anyway, you might want to check it out. I don't know if it's online but I bet a library would have it.

[robin1377]

From when I was around your DS's age until I hit puberty, I very much wanted to be a boy. I had a boy hair cut, wore my brothers old hand me down and was regularly mistaken for a boy. I even peed standing up. My parents let me do my own thing and never really even addressed it. It was such a non issue for them and me that I've never really thought much of it until recently when my DD, 5, started telling me that she feels like a boy on the inside. If this is something that she continues to feel this I plan on handling it similarly to the way my parents did. Listening to her, of course, and being supportive but making it a non issue so she doesn't feel like it's something that needs to be justified or analyzed.

[lindberg99]

robin1377 - You know, your post brings up an interesting point. I hardly ever see anyone concerned that their girl likes "boyish" stuff. Girls can walk around in boy clothes, play with boy toys, etc. and no one really says much. But take a boy out in a skirt or let people see him playing with a doll and I'm betting you'd get at least one comment. In fact, I remember once we were on a plane and my 2 yo son was playing with a *gasp* Barbie! A little toddler sitting across the aisle pointed to it or something and her/his mom (I can't remember if it was a boy or girl) said "Oh, I'm sure that's his older sister's doll, not his!" But I bet if my older DD had been playing with a transformer or something, nobody would have felt a need to comment.

I bet this changes for girls at puberty but I think girls dressing/acting like boys during childhood are much more easily accepted by society than boys dressing/acting like girls.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

robin1377 - You know, your post brings up an interesting point. I hardly ever see anyone concerned that their girl likes "boyish" stuff. Girls can walk around in boy clothes, play with boy toys, etc. and no one really says much. But take a boy out in a skirt or let people see him playing with a doll and I'm betting you'd get at least one comment. In fact, I remember once we were on a plane and my 2 yo son was playing with a *gasp* Barbie! A little toddler sitting across the aisle pointed to it or something and her/his mom (I can't remember if it was a boy or girl) said "Oh, I'm sure that's his older sister's doll, not his!" But I bet if my older DD had been playing with a transformer or something, nobody would have felt a need to comment.

I bet this changes for girls at puberty but I think girls dressing/acting like boys during childhood are much more easily accepted by society than boys dressing/acting like girls.

Hi lindberg99 -- I totally agree with you, and I'm not sure if you're implying it but I just want to point out that what you describe is not at all my concern with my DS. My concern is about his emotions surrounding the issue -- he seems upset/sad about being a boy, and I'm asking for advice on how to honor those feelings without making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

You're right, I wouldn't be concerned if my DD liked "boyish" stuff, any more than I'm concerned when my DS plays with "girlish" toys -- but I would be concerned if I had a DD who consistently expressed sadness about being a girl -- I'm not talking about things or clothes or other people's reactions, I'm talking about the child's emotional well being.

[lindberg99]

limabean - Oh, I know you're very concerned about your son's sadness. I'm sorry if I offended you! I didn't mean to minimize your son's situation. I guess I was just thinking how hung up on gender roles our society is in general. Check out that article in The Atlantic. I think it might give you some good ideas/resources.

[mata]

My 8 yo daughter has had similar issues. I understand! She also would tearfully tell me she wished she was a boy. It sounds like you're giving him exactly what he needs-he needs to be heard, and validated as he figures it out over time.

This may be very woo woo, but I think my dd feels loss, from that very stage of fetal development that determines gender, for what she thinks she won't know. I'm not saying this is what's going on with your son, but I think some children simply feel that loss, you know?

My dd was very conflicted by this from ages 5-7. Now she seems to worked through much of it on her own, and it seems she's created a gender identity for herself that she's comfortable with.

[Bleu]

People have said some good things; if your dc is going to be trans, or have serious gender identity conflict, it probably is something he feels already. But by the same token, fours say so many whimsical, temporary, impossible/improbable things that I hardly think you need to pay more attention to this than if he said he wanted to be a baker or a kitty or a race car.

I think imitation of parents and people generally **of both genders** is really really normal. I see lots of little boys pretending to be pregnant or breastfeeding their babies and it doesn't mean anything significant. My son vascillates between being the interestingly pregnant/breastfeeding mommy and wanting me to. Sometimes he wants to be the daddy and sometimes he is the doll's brother or friend or the midwife. He's pretty fluid with it all, and nothing strikes me as a possible lifelong preoccupation.

I personally would try to be careful about well, essentialism - that you can DO things that people consider "girl things" without actually being or wanting to be a girl. In fact, I'd probably wonder if a boy who said he wanted to be a girl hadn't gotten a big dose of [those things that you like are girl things] from someone in his life. Any way you can try to suss that out without giving it undue attention? Do you know if there is someone who aggressively puts out the message that only girls can play with the pink, the sparkly, the cooking items, the dolls, the ironing board, the pretend lipstick, the feather boa, the - whatever? Because that could explain both the gender stuff and the sadness.