Originally Posted by Tigerchild
I think that if things had gotten to the point where I felt that I had to investigate my child's goings on, trust would have already been broken--on their part.
I suppose I'm a little leery of making my parenting decisions primarily on how it might affect my children's feelings towards me at that time.
Okay. I'm not sure what this has to do with my post. I'm talking about long-term damage to the relationship, to the point where the main figure of authority in the teens life is someone they don't trust - ever again. I'm not talking about a teenage, hormone-fuelled "you're wrecking my life", followed by stamping off to their room to sulk. I'm talking about losing your authority, in a very real sense, because your teen now sees you as not just an authority figure, but as an actual enemy
. How do you expect to parent effectively if you're the enemy?
|I see a lot of people here operanting from the base assumption that parental intentions are automatically bad and suspect (probably reasonably learned for most of us). However, I work very very hard to keep my motivations and intentions "right", going against childhood learning and instinct to do so. Therefore, I assume that IF I've reached that point that this kind of invasive intervention is necessary that frankly the situation is such that trust has already been broken intentionally or not and things will by defnintion never be the same.
I don't know if you're talking about my posts or not. I don't think parents who snoop always have bad intentions (I don't think they always have good intentions, either). What I do think, based on watching this play out many times from both sides (teenaged friends when I was younger, and teens I've seen as I've become an adult), is that snooping with cause doesn't help as often as people seem to think, and snooping just as a...safety measure??...creates huge problems.
|This is why I guess I don't understand the implication that if you don't intervene in a given specific way that the relationship is somehow preserved. I don't think it is, because in order for someone like me to consider something invasive damage has a;ready occured and I sense danger. At that point, the relationship is already altered (though my child might not be as pissed at me as they're about to be I guess) because of the level of alarm being triggered.
If I'm troubled and going through a bunch of crap in my life (which has certainly happened more than once), it obviously alters my relationships with those around me. For one of those people to then say, "okay - you're altering our relationship, so I can violate your privacy" doesn't follow in any way. In any case, I never said that the relationship would necessarily be preserved if a parent doesn't snoop. What I said is that, for some personalities, the relationship will
be damaged, possibly destroyed, by snooping, even if it would have otherwise survived. My depressive episodes and other issues had a peripheral effect on my relationship with my parents (far more directly affected my education and peer relationships). They were my safety net. Had they chosen to invade my privacy, the only safe place
I had would have been gone. I'm not talking about "altering the relationship". I'm talking about hurting the child.