Tried to get through the whole thing but around page 10, it started to get pretty redundant... I skipped to page 14 and read from there, and was pleased to see the direction the conversation had taken... So I'm here with my
I agree w/ pp's re; Respect. For example:
Originally Posted by Grylliade
I think the missing term in this thread is 'respect'. This isn't about rights or what one "deserves", but respect for one another. I try to not do things to my child that I would not want done to me. Because I respect him as a human being.
If I felt that I needed to do some investigating for the sake of protecting his life then I'm sure that I would. But I would want to try and talk with him first before it came to that. And I hope that he would do the same things for me if for some reason it ever became necessary.
I think that to presume one would know
if something were wrong (like feelings of suicidal depression) is naive. I have lost count of the friends and family-members (in-laws and extended) whose own families dropped the awareness-ball til it was nigh too late (and sometimes actually too late... lost a few friends because of parental denial).
When faced with the fact that a child is in crisis, too many parents deny the authenticity of those feelings, or their own part in creating an atmosphere that doesn't support their child's growth and trust, thus contributing greatly to the disparaging feelings youths experience.
Snooping itself can very much contribute to the feelings of discontent and disconnect tweens and teens suffer from. I feel strongly that cultivating a climate of consultation, trust, mutual respect and vulnerability, mutual full-disclosure, and unconditionality can ease the path that tweens and teens are destined to walk.. that is, one of questioning, doubting, insecurity, unsurity, frustration and anxiety.
Originally Posted by Cherie2
ok I know this thread is getting old, but I had this thought today... what about teaching our children that the "right to privacy" is an important thing?
We live in a dangerous time of legislation trying harder and harder to diminish citizens right to privacy. If we raise our kids thinking they have no right to their privacy they may well grow up thinking this is not an important or deserved right. Then where would we be?
This totally falls in line with Respect.
What would be the outcome if, instead of allowing a relationship deteriorate to the point of having
to snoop, we included our children WHOLLY in the process of inquiry, from the outset? How would our relationships be different if this was an open discussion from very young, if our children knew
we are looking after them, but that they are ultimately their own steward?
For example, my mom didn't do a ton
of things right, but one thing she did
do was constantly repeat these words: "You can always tell me anything, I will always be there for you. I can't always be with
you, I can't stop you from doing things I wouldn't choose for you, and I might not like what you tell me, but I'll always hear you. Sometimes you might find you have no one else to turn to, but you can always tell me anything
. You'll never surprise, disappoint, or hurt me by talking to me."
I kind of got sick of hearing it through my teen years... and then when things like sex and drugs came up, and the only people I had to turn to were my equally confused and directionless friends, those words would ring in my mind and I decided to put it to the test. "We'll just see how much she can handle..." So I told her... everything. The first time I believed I was ready for sex, my plan, what I thought... the first time I did hallucinogens, the time I cheated on my boyfriend, skipping school, even when I did worse
things I knew she would abhor
, I told her. She never missed a beat. She didn't like most
of what I told her, but she knew that by cultivating that atmosphere of consultation and presence, I would come to her, and she therefore had a front-row seat to everything, rather than having to dig. She never showed signs of judgement, or disappointment. She just listened and helped me by asking open-ended questions that usually allowed me to arrive at the answers myself.
With dd I plan to utilize what I learned from my mom, and more.
There should be no problem opening a conversation with a person
about concerns you have about them and the choices they may or may not be making. Those conversations may not yeild the information you're seeking, but often will act as avenues to further communication later. The PSA commercials may be trite, but they're right... it all starts with talking.
Young people are going
to have sex. They are going
to be faced with drugs. They are going
to face unhappiness, evil, darkness and depression... There's no stopping the world around them. Snooping makes parents one of them
... the enemy. We have to ally
with our children, be the presence in their lives they will need to be able to count on.
don't like some of what dd tells me, and she's only 4! But I listen, and I let her know I Respect her.
How do you plan to be available? What kind of dialogues do you have now? Do they know they can tell you anything... can