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Would you invade your child's privacy to make sure they are okay? - Page 4

post #61 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by frontierpsych View Post
I don't think I'd read my child's diary, that's too personal, and I certainly wouldn't invade their privacy for no apparent reason, I want my children to trust me! And I hope I'll be able to trust them. BUT if I had a strong suspicion that they were involved in detrimental behavior, I would certainly start following up closely with them, ie: call to make sure they are where they say they are, insist on meeting their new friends/talking to parents, etc. It would be a safety or health concern, thoughg, not to catch them "doing something bad". And of course I would try approaching the subject with them first, in as many ways as possible.
Wow, I intend to do all that (the bolded part) even if my child shows no signs of anything dangerous or disturbing. I intend to know where my kid is/ what they are doing/ who they're with and who their friends are just so I know what's going on in their life. To me, that's completely different from snooping. I plan to follow up on them closely even if they don't show me I need to... that way I can (hopefully) catch problems before they get out of hand.
post #62 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Wow, I intend to do all that (the bolded part) even if my child shows no signs of anything dangerous or disturbing. I intend to know where my kid is/ what they are doing/ who they're with and who their friends are just so I know what's going on in their life. To me, that's completely different from snooping. I plan to follow up on them closely even if they don't show me I need to... that way I can (hopefully) catch problems before they get out of hand.
Yeah, me too - then again, this is part of my relationship with DH, too - call when we're going places, know each others' friends, let each other know if plans change, etc. To me, it's just common courtesy.

I will definitely know my kids' friends families when they start going to their houses alone, etc. etc. Will expect to know where they're going, when they expect to be home, etc. But I would do the same myself, so I can't see expecting less from them.
post #63 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Wow, I intend to do all that (the bolded part) even if my child shows no signs of anything dangerous or disturbing. I intend to know where my kid is/ what they are doing/ who they're with and who their friends are just so I know what's going on in their life. To me, that's completely different from snooping. I plan to follow up on them closely even if they don't show me I need to... that way I can (hopefully) catch problems before they get out of hand.
Well, yes, I plan to know who they are with and what they are doing, but I'm talking about digging deeper than just that, like asking friend's parents to keep an eye out for X behavior if I suspected it, or possibly not allowing them at a friend's house if I thought that parent was allowing some behavior that I had told them I was not okay with. I didn't mean to say that I would not check up on my kids at all!
post #64 of 293
I am torn on this. I guess I have principles that say no, but reality may make me do something that is against my principles.

I have told my kids that there are no secret passwords on the computers, except mine and dh's. And they understand that we have secret ones because of security of financial info etc, not because we are hiding things from them.

I was just reading a book on marketing to tweens, and read how marketers routinely create tween personalities on the internet to get crazes going on their products. That is not illegal,but imo immoral, and it is happening all the time. These people can persuade tweens and teens to buy their products through this deception. There are many others who will try to win our children for far more sinister reasons.

I assume that as my kids grow they will want myspace accounts etc. At the moment we do not do facebook, myspace or any of those social sites, and we've told the kids that we don't do them. I am not sure that we can maintain that as they get older. So, my feeling right now is that when we give into that sort of computer use, we will tell the kids that we will be monitoring it. I can't imagine not monitoring, but I also cannot imagine snooping. So at the moment my plan is to watch over them, but to have them know that we are doing so, and why. At least until I am convinced that they understand the safety issues.

As for alcohol - I'm European, so don't get the panic that hits many Americans if their kids have a drink. If the kid was back home, it would be perfectly legal, and I'd prefer my kids learned to drink responsibly at a young age than have it forbidden so that they have to do it in secret, or save it until 21 then go nuts. Sex - I'd hope that I'd instilled some sense into them so that when they have sex, they do so responsibly and safely. Drugs - that worries me more.

Ack, I'm getting myself all concerned over this now, and my oldest is only just 8. I haven't even figured out the 8 year old stuff yet.
post #65 of 293
wow. you know the saying if you go looking for trouble you're going to find it? searching your kids rooms, recording conversations, reading diaries etc. for no reason other then it is your right to do it... so that you can protect them just incase is a great way to make sure you find something.

Why would a child follow your rules, tell you the truth, ask your permission etc let alone actually talk to you about their life and their feelings when you have already decided you don't trust them? they have nothing to lose by completely disregarding everything you say. it doesnt get any worse then living with people who don't trust you at all... for literally no reason other then possibly your age.

You have also successfully destroyed all the trust they had in you. not b/c of what your doing but b/c of why you are doing it. all your kids will be thinking is 'i didn't do anything to make you not trust me, you don't even know me.' Its not the actions its the entitled attitude behind it. how incredibly dishonest and suspicious of you.

if i felt something was off with my kid i would search his room and his car. i would keep an eye on the phone bill and his internet (though not key strokes unless i had a damn good reason to do so) my parents searched my room... they had a reason to.. i was doing dumb stuff. but they knew something was up with me.. they knew something wasn't right b/c they knew me. It wasn't like we had the worlds most open honest relationship before this.. i was always a private person and only shared things occasionally. they knew something was up b/c they could tell i wasn't quite the same, was intentionally keeping things from them etc. and they didn't trust my best friend as far as they could throw her with an anvil strapped to her back.. with good reason she was not a good influence at all.

they never used anything they found to get me in trouble.. i never even knew about it till later. except when they found pot they did tell me they found it but that was it.. we talked about it a little and i didn't go to school the next day (they knew this.. it was their idea) b/c it had been a long night. Knowing my parents had found the pot was enough to make an impression. my parents had always trusted me before and knowing that i gave them a reason not to was really hard on me. if they had always searched and never trusted me i wouldn't have given a crap.
post #66 of 293
Only if my child were in danger. As in: I suspected serious drug use or worse.

I think diaries are deeply personal and for that reason, I didn't keep one as a teen.

I did write a "letter" venting my (much deserved) anger at my mother (I NEVER would have given it to her) and I had kept it shoved in a workbook of mine.

Well, Mom claims that the cat knocked it off of my nightstand in MY ROOM as she just happened to be walking by and it had spread out on the floor, so she couldn't help reading it. Yeah, I know, that's weak.

She left an "I am so hurt that you wrote that about me, how could you..." letter on my bed.

It's still a sore spot for me. Everyone needs privacy, including teenagers.

Trin.
post #67 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
Only if my child were in danger. As in: I suspected serious drug use or worse.

I think diaries are deeply personal and for that reason, I didn't keep one as a teen.

I did write a "letter" venting my (much deserved) anger at my mother (I NEVER would have given it to her) and I had kept it shoved in a workbook of mine.

Well, Mom claims that the cat knocked it off of my nightstand in MY ROOM as she just happened to be walking by and it had spread out on the floor, so she couldn't help reading it. Yeah, I know, that's weak.

She left an "I am so hurt that you wrote that about me, how could you..." letter on my bed.

It's still a sore spot for me. Everyone needs privacy, including teenagers.

Trin.
I really really wish I had written something about how offensive my mother's prying was, and left it somewhere for her to find when snooping. It would have server her right.

She was still doing things like poking in my handbag when I was in my 20s and had already left home.

There is a reason that I live on a different continent than she does.
post #68 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by frontierpsych View Post
Well, yes, I plan to know who they are with and what they are doing, but I'm talking about digging deeper than just that, like asking friend's parents to keep an eye out for X behavior if I suspected it, or possibly not allowing them at a friend's house if I thought that parent was allowing some behavior that I had told them I was not okay with. I didn't mean to say that I would not check up on my kids at all!
Ooooh! I'm sorry I read it wrong. I was just thinking "man, I must be the strictest parent on MDC." LOL! Sorry about the confusion.
post #69 of 293
I always thought I would NOT do such a thing, but then there became teens in the house.... i would do random "spot checks" into myspace, IM, E-mail even though basicly myspace is where everything happens... in doing this I learned an awdul lot about DD(14) she had pierced her lip and put it in only at school(we had told her she could if she wanted to get it done we just wanted it done well, no clue why the sneaking) That she was inviting a boy from down the road up when we would run to the store or other kids to a practice or whatever, this kid has a BAAADDDD reputation in the area and many implications of other things. She acted "normal" we never suspected any real issues, she talked reasonably openly with us, sometimes we couldnt stop her!
Long story short she is now in a mental hospital because she went on a killing spree of our animals, drugged her 2yr old sister, pushed her into a hot stove and shook our 1 yr old(thakfully she is fine) She has been on suicide watch, has a worker at her side all the time and regularly has to be put in restraints to keep her from injuring herself or others.....

All that basicly is to say, build good lines of communication but dont turn a blind eye... after the run awy happens or the suicide is usually FAR to late!

We have now let kids know, that we respect them and their privacy but MUSt ahve ALL internet information, ALL friends phone numbers, if they are traveling to a friends house, biking or otherwise they have to call when arriving and i talk to a parent. none of my kids keep a diary/journal but i believe i would, if i found info elsewere or strongly suspect a prob ut i wouldnt use it directly or confrontationally against them but as thers have said, a means of opening a round about conversation. I dont think i'd go on an all out search mission unless i had reason to suspect something major BUT as I"ve already learned... there aren't necessarily any obvious signs ahead of time.

There are many TOUGH issues of parentling and I belive(with 10 kids between 16 1/2 and 1 + due in may w #11) this MAY be one of the most difficult to know which side of a very touchy line you are standing on.
post #70 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Ooooh! I'm sorry I read it wrong. I was just thinking "man, I must be the strictest parent on MDC." LOL! Sorry about the confusion.
I doubt if you're the strictest parent here. We've had to make a lot of rules I'm not happy about, but they're necessary. Sometimes you have to adapt to a child's needs, and they don't always line up with the parenting style you envisioned.

We've seen progress, so I guess it works, but I sure miss my more permissive, relaxed parenting days.
post #71 of 293
This thread is an eye-opener, to say the very least.

I just hope and pray that the trust (and respect) we've been building with our children never put us into a situation where we would ever need to go through their things and invade their privacy.

Pro-active, instead of reactive, I suppose? Of course, my LOs are 9 and 8 (tomorrow ), so who knows? Never say never.
post #72 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I doubt if you're the strictest parent here. We've had to make a lot of rules I'm not happy about, but they're necessary. Sometimes you have to adapt to a child's needs, and they don't always line up with the parenting style you envisioned.

We've seen progress, so I guess it works, but I sure miss my more permissive, relaxed parenting days.
but then ap is about meeting a childs needs yk? totally unnecessary rules are one thing... but rules your child needs aren't arbitrary or unnecessary... they are what this individual child needs so that what you do yk?
post #73 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
but then ap is about meeting a childs needs yk? totally unnecessary rules are one thing... but rules your child needs aren't arbitrary or unnecessary... they are what this individual child needs so that what you do yk?
Absolutely. If someone had told me 10 years ago I would have a child who would lie about things that didn't matter, steal my things, and do some of the bizarre things she has done in the past 3 years, I would never have believed it. I've felt violated many times, so if I read her emails and occasionally go into her room to retrieve my belongings, I don't think she has the right to feel violated. It's frustrating.
post #74 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
Absolutely. If someone had told me 10 years ago I would have a child who would lie about things that didn't matter, steal my things, and do some of the bizarre things she has done in the past 3 years, I would never have believed it. I've felt violated many times, so if I read her emails and occasionally go into her room to retrieve my belongings, I don't think she has the right to feel violated. It's frustrating.
exactly! she has given you every reason to go into her room and read her emails. she broke your trust yk? you probably wouldn't have done that prior to the lying and the stealing.

i think there is a huge difference between what you are talking about and when a parent does all of that and more even though their child hasn't given them a reason to think it is necessary
post #75 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
exactly! she has given you every reason to go into her room and read her emails. she broke your trust yk? you probably wouldn't have done that prior to the lying and the stealing.

i think there is a huge difference between what you are talking about and when a parent does all of that and more even though their child hasn't given them a reason to think it is necessary
Yeah. It's strange. Especially after having parents who gave us no privacy at all, I honestly could not have conceived of any situation where I would have to do anything like this. You just never know.
post #76 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Does your DH record your keystrokes too?

My kids are a teen and a preteen now. I can only imagine how much damage it would do to our relationship to demean them like that.
Nope, he doesn't, but if he wanted to, I'd be fine with that (and I think he'd be fine if I wanted to record his keystrokes too - I'll ask him tonight), since I have nothing to hide.
But you're talking about an adult-adult relationship which is totally different from an adult-child relationship. I have the responsibility to make sure my child isn't doing something that he shouldn't be. I'm the adult.
post #77 of 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by rocketgirl96 View Post
Nope, he doesn't, but if he wanted to, I'd be fine with that (and I think he'd be fine if I wanted to record his keystrokes too - I'll ask him tonight), since I have nothing to hide.
But you're talking about an adult-adult relationship which is totally different from an adult-child relationship. I have the responsibility to make sure my child isn't doing something that he shouldn't be. I'm the adult.
Recording your child's keystrokes simply means they will use the library computer or a friends computer for things they don't want you to see.
post #78 of 293
I have and I would do it again. My parents thought I was a virgin until I ended up pregnant at 14. My husbands parents had no clue that he was doing drugs until it was too late. Eventually he became a homeless heroin addict. He was 19 years old, after 3 years of addiction, when he got sober. He had OD'd several times, and died twice. There is no question in his mind that had his parents not intervened that he'd not be alive today. He has an AMAZING relationship with his parents, always has, yet they didn't know.

There are some things that children just won't tell their parents no matter how close the relationship because there is always fear of disappointing them.

My kids, though, know that there is no assurance of privacy. I give them a lot of space and a lot of freedom, but I check up on them. I have their MySpace passwords and their email passwords. If I want to check them, I will, they know that. It's not something that I do often but occasionally I do. Once I found something that my 13 year old and I needed to discuss. It led to a very good discussion.

I don't assume that my kids are perfect. I don't assume that they won't still make mistakes and I encourage them to talk to me and often. I am pretty up to date as to what they and their friends are doing and their views on certain subjects. I won't be able to save them from everything, and many mistakes are good mistakes to make, but there are some mistakes that they can't unmake and if I can do anything to prevent those ones, I will.

Even still, I think my children trust me immensely.
post #79 of 293
I can say that I would never snoop though personal things unless I had a damn good reason (suicide/drugs). My mom was good about this, sometimes she would tidy up my room, but if she ever found/read anything personal, she never brought it up to me. I also had a computer with internet in my bedroom from about 14 on. Granted it was the 90's so the internet wasn't as big as it is now, but she gave me two rules: Don't give anyone your last name or address/phone number, and if I wanted to meet up with someone I just had to let her know and she would take me to make sure everything was on the up and up. Sure I did some bad things, messed around with smoking/drinking in middle school, and talked to lots of unsavory people online (I had great fun in making up my own fake identities), but it was all a learning experience.
DP's father was very much the "my house, my rules" kinda guy, and after his mom died things got even worse. He would sneak out at night and get up to all sorts of trouble. He moved out as soon as he could and hasn't spoken to his father in about 10 years. His father will not be at the wedding, and will never meet his grandchildren. I've only seen his father once, and I do think DP is being a little over the top, it is his father, and his choice how much he want's him involved in his life.
I think there's a pretty heavy line between responsible parent, and toxic. There's definitely some gray area between letting your kids run wild, and controlling/spying everything they do.
post #80 of 293
It can be such a catch 22.

Staying as close (emotionally, mentally) as we can is our approach.

We never needed to with dss. *phew*
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