help - 5 yo keeps having 'accidents'...

[MommyHawk]

DS just turned 5 and he has been using the toilet perfect since 2.5yo, however since about 4.5 he has been having accidents. I think it's a focus issue. He seems to know he's about to, but doesn't want to stop playing, so he'll mess his pants a bit!! #1 and #2...I don't get it?! What is going on?!?! Is it his diet? Does he have ADD? I don't get it.

anyone out there have any ideas? Right now we're trying a major consequence. No TV for a week from the day he has an accident. Yesterday we started since he had 2 messes yesterday...but then he had another one today! So that's no TV/computer/games for a week from today...and if it keeps going on, he'll never watch it again (which is great IMO) BUT is that going to help us determine whats going on? And fix it?

help

thanks

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

BTDT.

I really don't think this is a discipline issue. You are punishing a child for a completely normal, age-appropriate behavior. And unless you've been to the doctor but didn't say, you might even be punishing him for for something that is a medical issue.

First take him to the doctor to rule out infections or other medical issues. I can't remember what it is called, but there is a variation on constipation that can cause accidents. Our DS had all sorts of accidents (both urine an bowel movements) until we realized he was lactose intolerant and eliminated dairy from his diet. So please start there.

Also, not all children gain bladder and bowel control at the same time. And growth patterns can be uneven -- his body could be bigger but his bladder is still growing, so out-of-sych causes accidents while things catch up. Not something he (or you) can control, so completely unfair to punish for it.

If its not a medical issue, I'm not sure you can punish a child into listening to his body and remembering to respect what it is saying. I think you would get further by teaching him the right habits. Is he home with you during the day or at school? Does he have accidents at school? If so, then explore their potty schedule and routine with them. If he's home with you all the time, establish a regular routine where you have him try to go to the bathroom every hour or two. You can't force him to go, but you can certainly have him try. You might try a small consequence if he isn't willing to try (not doing anything else until after a visit to the bathroom), though I would never start there -- I always assume that things will go well and move from there if I have to. I found that setting a timer was more effective than my nagging. That way it was "The TIMER says its time to try to go potty" rather than me. Much harder to argue with a timer.

If that doesn't work, how about rewards rather than punishments? Lots of people have had success with small immediate rewards for using the toilet (my best friend used M&Ms), or for staying clean/dry all day. Sticker chart maybe?

Make sure you are modeling regular bathroom trips and habits. You probably did this during potty training but may need to do it again during this phase.

[amcal]

I would absolutely not punish a child for having accidents. I think that's a very dangerous thing to do.

Have you taken him to the doctor? I would rule out a medical cause first.

My DD started wetting her pants at about 5.5yrs old. It turns out she was consitpated. I had no idea. She pooped every day but, wasn't fully eliminating so her poop was getting more and more backed up. Constipation or bowel issues are the most common cause of urinary issues in children according to our ped.

I think you owe it to your child to figure out what is going on rather than just punishing him for something he may not be able to control.

[jtbuko]

Hey Mommyhawk,

My DS (young 5) has had ongoing issues with accidents ever since he chose to stop wearing diapers at about 3.5. It can be really frustrating to manage all that clean up! For us it is a focus issue. He shows us time and time again that he can stay dry when he choose, so he needs to choose to stay dry.

Some things we have had success with:
regular reminders - works well for his grammy, but not with me
timed reminders - worked well at his co-op friends home, but not at home
potty watch - great for a few days
reward chart - what worked best for us. We do about a dozen spots per chart and rewards are little things like going out for ice cream or a small lego set or a chocolate covered bug, or staying up late or a ride on the town trolley...
having him take care of changing/ clean up himself as much as possible - this was a key part of removing my frustration
putting him in charge of bring his extra clothes when we go out - he has his own little backpack and it is his job to bring it places
rewarding his success - special toy to play with at the end of a dry day
celebrating his success
enabling his success - pausing a movie or a story, watch for his signs and offering to save the project he is working on or protect it from his younger friends
pointing out (gently) the natural consequences - bummer you had an accident... changing takes longer than using the potty.

And then big picture changes specific to our family like doing less in-home childcare have probably also made a difference.


gotta run, typed fast and hope it makes sense!

[michelle97006]

I know it is frustrating. We have a 4-year old who has setbacks too.

Here is some info that may be helpful:

1. It is important to rule out a medical condition, such as constipation or an anal fissure (that could be making it uncomfortable for him to go, so he avoids until he can't hold it any longer).

2. Has there been a recent major transition? New sib? New school? A lot of visitors or schedule changes in general? If so, you may want to consider helping your child to reduce stress and get back on a comfortable schedule.

3. You may want to try talking to your child about "listening to his body." For example, when he asks for a snack, say "good job listening to your body. You're body is telling you are hungry and so you asked Mommy for a snack. Way to go!" Then, you can talk to him about bathroom habits in the same way. In particular, reinforce him for the times he does NOT have an accident. i.e., "You stopped the game to go to the bathroom! Good job listening to your body."

4. Get on the same team as your child. Talk about the "sneaky poop" problem (as in the poop is the problem, not your child). "That sneaky poop keeps trying to come out when it's not supposed to. We need to teach that sneaky poop a lesson. I'm going to help you take potty breaks several times today so we can make sure that poop comes out when it's supposed to..." and so on...

5. In general, rewards are much more effective than punishment. We used small chocolates or TV time as reward for sitting on potty for 5 minutes or so, even if not able to actually go. If still necessary, you could also try natural & logical consequences (vs. punishment). For example, "Oops, you had an accident. Now we need to cut this (insert pleasant activity) short so we can get you cleaned up. We can try this (activity) again tomorrow."

6. We also like the book, "You can use the potty" by Dr. Sears. It's meant for younger children but can be adapted for older.

Good luck!
Michelle

[MommyHawk]

yeah, I have been avoiding punishments for over 6 months but this week I just about had it. DH talked me out of it this afternoon, so I feel like I'm back to square one...

I'll try the 'sneaky poop' and listening to your body talk along with a trip to the doc...

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

What exactly is it that is driving you over the edge? I'm serious -- there are lots of reasons this can be frustrating and not everyone is going to respond to the same aspect. Which button is this pushing for you?

[Eliseatthebeach]

I agree with the pp's about not punishing....I am glad you decided not to do it. It really is a normal phase and it too will pass. I know it feelis like forever, I had one that did that for a while. I was so frustrated I honestly didn't know what to do, and likely did some things I shouldn't have(like punishment). I realize now just how normal it is and that they do and will outgrow it.

[jtbuko]

The other posts reminded me of something else we used early on in the process. We had a little mantra of sorts along the lines of "listen to your body, listen to your mommy, and your body will listen to you..."